As most of you know, I’ve been having a lot of problems with medications. Over the past three years, I have steadily gone off most of the medications I was on. It began one night I ran out of the anti-anxiety medication and since I was already through the withdrawal before was able to renew it, I decided to see how I did without it. When the withdrawal was over with, I no longer had anxiety symptoms. I had no more anxiety attacks and and have not since March 2 years ago. At that point, I decided that it might be worthwhile to see which other medications I may not need to be on. Luckily, I was with the new psychiatrist although when she first found out that I was off of most of my medication on my own she thought I was crazy.  As it turns out, I wasn’t.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not sure how I did it – today was rough. It started out with no OT then I had to deal with the idiots at HR Workways. I just didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t want to but I have bills to pay so off to work I went. Nothing terribly exciting on the ride there, but I did notice that there were not a lot of cars in the parking lot and when the van go there a bunch of people from Header daylight got out so they had gotten VTO. I got to work and realized that I had left the Nook at home which meant I had nothing to read. Got upstairs and looked at the header, OE and pharmacist schedules and sure enough daylight on all three had received VTO. You can tell just by looking. I’m working along and today, just like yesterday, the radio signal was horrible. Then about 3:15 pm (1 hour and 15 minutes into my 10 hour shift) one of the sups announces an interest list for VTO for all of OE. I didn’t sign up. I had no clue when I would leave if I took it. By 3:30 pm it had been approved. So before my first break of the day I could have left for the day. I didn’t know what to do so I called Mom and it was short and unpleasant. I won’t be calling her at work again unless I’m dying. I didn’t leave. Worked, had lunched, listened to the Pens game. I was able to download the Penguins official app and stream the game over the phone so I could actually hear most of it. there were 2 downsides to this – one was that the volume varied greatly from commercial to game and even from commercial to commercial. The second was that after so long the radio would shut off. But considering that I could hear it clearly, it was worth it. The Pens tied it and went into overtime where they lost in the last 4 seconds of the period. I stayed at work. I didn’t really have any reason to leave, even if my arm, elbow, wrist, hand and finger did hurt, if Mom didn’t really want me around. After all, the only thing I’m actually good for is working. I spent most of the day fighting off tears and just wanting to set my head down and sob. I didn’t. I kept working. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to my favorite host on The Fan. I just couldn’t. I listened to my iPod. Left late actually, since I was in the middle of a complicated order. Only by 1 minute, though. Get into the van and realized that my favorite van driver didn’t have any clue that my shift was over at 12:30 am or that there was VTO and therefore no OT meaning I wasn’t going to be staying late. Nor did he realize that when I work OT I work 2 hours post shift unless the weather is bad or there is no work to do. I’ve only been doing this for over a year now. Not to mention that except for last week, I never work OT Wednesday nights. *shrug* Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Drove home. All of my music stations were depressing – even KLove. So I spent the entire ride home flipping channels and trying not to cry. So I’m home, I hurt, I’m not exactly eating terrifically, I still want to cry and I’m going to go to sleep. I’m useless and worthless and wish I could just curl up into a ball and stay there. I can’t. I have to get up and go to work tomorrow. I’m feeling (emotionally) worse and worse this week and the lessens any chance of me doing anything. Not that it matters since I’ll be the only one who’s really suffering.  You have no idea how much right now I don’t want to go on.  I will because I have to and that’s basically the only reason why.

by LJ user velociraptorx at the wickpixgraphics community

I haven’t been posting because I’ve been scared.  I don’t have a lot of contact with people in the first place and I’m afraid anything I say will irritate at the least one or more of my friends.  I’m scared, I’m alone, and since lowering the med my depression is getting worse.  No more hot flashes and I no longer feel like I’m dying at work most of the time, but I spend more time wanting to cry.  Just looking at my top posts on my news feed on Facebook was depressing.  So many of them were about my friends and their families and lives.  They all seem to have something going on – some reason to keep going on while I’m wondering why I keep going.  Go to work to pay the bills for expenses incurred I’ll never be reimbursed for then come home, play FarmVille & Mousehunt, and go to sleep.  I’ve read no blogs that aren’t sports blogs for quite a while now.  I haven’t seen anyone all year (other than my parents) and each week it gets harder. I do not want to bring people down and I also know people don’t want to be around someone who feels depressed.  Not to mention that people always want a reason. Even my father who has seen me deal with depression for over 10 years now wants reasons why I’m depressed.  It doesn’t always work that way!  Sometimes (a lot of the time these days) I just feel down then things come along that make the downness worse.  I don’t tend to tell people what those things are because people take it the wrong way.  They seem to think that because I’m down and jealous that I don’t want them to be happy, do things, have lives, or hear about it, which isn’t true.  People don’t understand why it hurts and if I try to explain I’m just wrong.  I get sick of arguing.    Right now I do not have hope. I do not have a great future in store.  I do not see any way in which God could possibly use me.  Once my parents are gone I will not have anyone close to me.  And don’t suggest either of my sisters – I haven’t heard from them in months and I know I won’t hear from D until my birthday unless we happen to run into each other at Mom’s or she needs something from me.  The only thing I can do is type and complain.  I’m doing both those things rather well at times.  Oh yeah, and read.  If I’m reading a book (let’s specify a fictional story) then I’m not feeling or thinking things.  I have very little use or purpose and certainly nothing that someone else couldn’t do, some even a bit better.  I get up and go to work every day because I have to. I have no other choice and I have no reason not to.  *shrug*  My dad was telling me the other day that I shouldn’t be down because I don’t know what might be around the corner.  The last 2 corners I took left me riddled with debt because I was too generous and in some cases badly used.  I guess I should be happy that I have this job which makes it so that I can afford to pay my bills but it’s hard when people don’t want to talk to you but you see them talking to other people on the floor and when you’re cleaning off your car with weak wrists then driving home for over an hour on badly treated roads.  At least I like what I do and get to actually use my problem solving skills – when I’m not grumbling about stupid doctors & their staffs, patients, and fellow employees.

by LiveJournal user xbelladollx

I know I haven’t been around. I’ve been feeling quite ill for last quarter last year and all this year so far.  It may be the medication that I raised just before I started feeling ill, so I’m stepping back down.  I really hope this does it. My doctor said she had another patient who had similar reaction to the same medication.  It’s not going to be easy – it’s my depression medication.  Not only may my depression increase, but I’ll be paranoid about it and may even withdraw even more, if that’s possible.  You have no idea how afraid I am of being condemned and/or hated.

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

I hate being cold and it being late (or early, depending on your view of the world). The silence is deafening. Well, Kit is eating at the moment. It makes me think about how this is going to be my life. In a time far too short for me, I will have no one who I can truly be myself around. I guess it’s my own fault. Terry and Tom taught me one very important thing – people, men especially, cannot deal with my depression full time. I can still hear the words in my head and I don’t think they’ll ever go away. *shrug* I’m also selfish. One of the reasons I ended things with Tom is that I got sick and tired of taking care of him all the time. I hated being responsible for everything. Paying bills, doing laundry, buying food not only for me but also for him to take on the road, buying clothes for him, and so on. I felt like it was all on me and when it got to the point where I was having to work tons of OT to pay all the bills on my own I was fed up. Especially since I was practically as alone as I am now. No, actually I was more alone. I see Mom a lot more than I ever saw him. Now I’m working to pay all the bills left over from me taking care of him. It hurts. It truly hurts. And I still have to encourage him and tell him he’s not a bad person and tell him not to do things which would be bad for him that he was on the verge of doing. It doesn’t end. At least I’m not afraid of being alone and willing to be in a bad relationship just so that I am with someone like he is. I may not look forward to it, I may dread it, but I’m not going to anything rash to make sure it doesn’t happen. I also don’t want to have to share my nice, comfy bed. Sometimes I think my bed is my haven. My selfishness also one of the reasons I don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I could be a good enough mother because I don’t think I could handle having someone need me all the time. I know the day will come when I have to care for my mother and I think I can handle that. I hope so, anyways.

Is there some rule somewhere that states when you hit 31 your body goes crazy on you?  I have large dry and flaky areas on the side of my face in front of my ears on both sides, a little higher on my temple on the right side, and down on my neck on one of the sides.  My chin is breaking out – but that’s probably due to the fact that since my skin has been dry I haven’t been using my acne gel as much.  I got sick and have been feeling sick at work on a regular basis for weeks (but the latter might be the heat).  My stomach aches on a regular basis (every Sunday since my birthday). Now I’m having a period I shouldn’t be having at a time when I shouldn’t be having it!  Argh!! Facing definite back and possible abdominal cramps is not high on my agenda, but at least if it gets too bad I have vicodin to take.  Somebody shoot me!  Or turn back the clock!  The only thing that hasn’t been a major problem is my depression (which is odd) although when it gets to be late and I’m tired that tends to rear up as well. (Wednesday night was not good, but that’s another blog post.)

1. Finish email to Aunt Jo
2. Call Keystone about taxes
3. Grocery shop
4. sign up for OT
5. Call Dr Coleman for appointment or referral to someone who has appointments on Friday

I also have several troubling things going on.

Read the rest of this entry »

Today was a busy day. Well, so was yesterday. Yesterday Mom and I went to Tanger Outlets in Washington, PA. I bought some purple (okay, they called it eggplant) Privo Ricegrass by Clarks shoes. Since they went with my outfit I changed shoes after buying them. I got a couple of tank tops for less than 5 bucks each and two of my favorite bras. I also got a 4 oz Spice candle from Bath & Body Works along with a silver snow flake jar candle sleeve. I really hope they do the Spice in the 3 wick. I love the Spice scent. I got a pair of Steelers earrings to wear. I also got two pans (Baker’s Secret non stick, too!). I had to stop at Auntie Anne’s for a pretzel and a frozen Coke. I love frozen Cokes! Then we asked Tracy (my Tom Tom GPS) to take us to Eat’N Park. It didn’t take us to the main one but to one out of the way. I had clam chowder, which is one of my favorites. Then we went home. Construction zones are confusing, though. We were definitely tired and our feet hurt, but we had fun and got some things that worked well. I really helped Mom at the shoe store. She didn’t wear heavy enough socks so she borrow mine to get good fits on her shoes. I also suggested she try not wearing her insoles and that worked as well. Not to mention I stood around forever while she did shoes. I also found the faux leather jacket style that she liked and was able to find in her size hiding away in a different area of the store. I also forced her to try on things again and again and ran out for different sizes and different articles (you have to try on everything at outlet stores) till we got ones that fit. I try to take care of my mom.

Today didn’t go so well. Mom had a visitor so I ended up staying upstairs longer than I wanted to. When he was finally gone I went downstairs, but my sugar was really low. Mom was worried and took my sugar with her glucometer and it was 79. That’s the lowest my sugar’s been that I know of. So I had some juice and a small piece of cheesecake. Once I was done with my shower I felt much better…except that my stomach isn’t a big fan of a lot of juice so it ended up quite upset. We skipped going to dinner, went grocery shopping, and came home to watch the CMA Music Festival on GAC. I stayed downstairs with them for a couple hours. I had some Italian bread which helped to calm my stomach. I came upstairs and fixed (hopefully!) my stink bug problem. Mom found some weather stripping and I stuffed into the gap. I did have to vacuum up some stink bugs first. I was going to bake a cake, but I’m not feeling well so it’s not going to happen. I did make some shells in the Pasta Boat. Unfortunately, the lid came off and the first batch ended up in the sink so I had to make a second batch. *sigh*
Tomorrow is the Steelers vs the Browns with Big Ben back in the lineup. It’s also the day we’re going to try out the crock pot and make some pot roast. We got the ingredients tonight since we’ll have to start it early. I’m hoping to get the cake done as well. Since grocery shopping is done all I have to do is vacuuming and laundry. I guess I should do some other cleaning as well. That was the weekend so far. And I have a blog post! Good night!

Day 1 – your favorite song
Day 2 – your favorite movie
Day 3 – your favorite television program
Day 4 – your favorite book
Day 5 – your favorite quote
Day 6 – 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 – a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 – a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 – a photo you took
Day 10 – a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 – a photo of you recently
Day 12 – something you are OCD about
Day 13 – a fictional book
Day 14 – a non-fictional book
Day 15 – your dream house
Day 16 – a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 – an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 – my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 – a talent of yours
Day 20 – a hobby of yours
Day 21 – a recipe
Day 22 – a website
Day 23 – a youtube video
Day 24 – where I live
Day 25 – your day, in great detail
Day 26 – your week, in great detail
Day 27 – my worst habit
Day 28 – what’s in my handbag/purse
Day 29 – hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 – a dream for the future

Day 6 – 20 of my favorite things

1. reading
2. my bed
3. my pillows
4. purple
5. silver jewelry
6. Coke
7. chocolate cake with white icing
8. rainbows
9. taking photos
10. im-ing with people online
11. clam chowder
12. pasta
13. my laptop
14. NCIS
15. musicals
16. singing
17. taking a bath
18. daisies
19. smiley faces
20. Calico Kittens by Enesco

Day 1 – your favorite song
Day 2 – your favorite movie
Day 3 – your favorite television program
Day 4 – your favorite book
Day 5 – your favorite quote
Day 6 – 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 – a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 – a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 – a photo you took
Day 10 – a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 – a photo of you recently
Day 12 – something you are OCD about
Day 13 – a fictional book
Day 14 – a non-fictional book
Day 15 – your dream house
Day 16 – a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 – an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 – my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 – a talent of yours
Day 20 – a hobby of yours
Day 21 – a recipe
Day 22 – a website
Day 23 – a youtube video
Day 24 – where I live
Day 25 – your day, in great detail
Day 26 – your week, in great detail
Day 27 – my worst habit
Day 28 – what’s in my handbag/purse
Day 29 – hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 – a dream for the future

Day 5 – your favorite quote

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” unknown