You probably won’t believe this, but there are days when I wish I could end this life.  Days like today when I’m left feeling empty, old, weary, and sad.  Mornings when the anger comes on so thick, so dark, so violent I scare myself.  When it circles around and gets worse and worse and I’m doing things which I despise.  And to ease that tension, to deal with that level of emotion, I do something despicable - I turn on myself.  Hitting, punching, scratching, biting - it takes away the tension when it becomes too much.  I’ve been getting worse as the days go on.  I’m not sure what to do.  There is a part of me that is wishing that I was moving out right away, so I could be alone with my pain.  So that there would be the possibility of getting treatment soon.  I’m trapped here, for now.  Or at least that’s the way I feel.  Trapped.  I long for freedom.  Freedom from my job - the freedom to write.  That just gets me irritated.  I didn’t have extra time today, though I did steal some.  I have a story that I’ve been working on.  I haven’t shared it - I want to work on the beginning.  It started out one way and I don’t like the way it goes.  I’m creating a world.  A world with daemons and fey, as I call them.  A world with people both good and bad.  I love that.  I love having the words just flow from my brain into the computer.  I don’t know where it comes from, but I love it.  I hate to take away from that.  There’s a certain beauty in creating something new.  Except for the life of me I cannot remember my main character’s last name!  There’s a part of me that wants to take a lower paying job at a position I may or may not like as much which is much closer to the new place.  But I wouldn’t want to start that until I moved there.  And I don’t move there for another month.  Its so frustrating.  There’s a part of me that wants out of the city desperately - I don’t want to try and find my way there in the event of a strike.  I have a plan for getting there from here, but not from Baldwin.  I don’t think I can afford it.  I’m pretty sure that I cannot afford it.  Co-pays are always going to be there.  I’ll have to pay at least once a week and on some weeks, twice a week.  If I go into physical therapy then there will be co-pays for that three times a week, if I remember my doctor’s orders correctly.  If I leave I might have to go COBRA which could be up to $500 a month.  It can take up to three months to get health benefits, sometimes longer than that if you’re doing a temp to hire.  *sigh*

I don’t want to find myself in a hole I can’t get out of.  At the prompting of my mother I wonder if I’m moving from depression to bipolar.  I don’t want to find myself in a place where dying is more desirable than living.  I was there once.  I don’t want to go back.  I just don’t see a way out.

I’ve started reading a book, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend.  It starts off by telling you that in order to obtain the greatness of God’s plans for you, you need to think big.  You can’t have negative thought patterns and still fulfill your dreams.  I don’t dream.  I’m afraid to.  What if it doesn’t come true?  Even worse, what if it does and its all wrong?  I’ve had both happen.  I didn’t graduate from college and I was engaged to a scumbag.  Could I actually get a degree?  Could I actually find a job that I like?  Could I possibly get out of debt?  Those dreams seem too big and scarey to me.  Tom says they’re not out of reach.  That they could come true.  I don’t know what to believe.  Do dreams really come true for failures like me?  Do I deserve to have my dreams come true?  How big can I think?  How big can I dream?  Can God really have all that in store for me?  I really don’t know.  It just seems to be impossible to me. *sigh*

Last few of the summer

A pair of lonely Stella D’Oros

Trees:  Light and Dark

The Fountain at USX Tower

Another sunrise

Giant Rose at Kennywood Park, Pittsburgh, PA

The Racer at night

My Tom

Down the hill - The Jackrabbit

A spiderweb at Kennywood

USX Tower, from the underground

Fun Fountain

Yes, another water shot!

More clouds, but a beautiful sunrise.

Theme:  Beautiful

Only one pic this week.

Monday

-Go to work.  Be glad Colleen is back. *update* Colleen is back but I still have to do her work.  Sandy and Sylvia are both off.  *sigh*

-Talk to Tom.

-Make dinner.

Tuesday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, training, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom.

Wednesday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom.

Thursday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom

Friday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom.  Stay up late to do so.

Saturday

-Sleep in.

-Talk to Tom.

-Grocery shopping.

Sunday

-Sleep in.

-Talk to Tom

-Laundry

Intermixed in the week will be taking photos, plurking, and other various random things.  Boring, isn’t it.  And not fun.

All of these photos are from my trip to Phipp’s Conservatory and Botanical Gardens in Pittsburgh, PA.

An orchid

An outdoor fountain

Work of Glass

Glass grows?

Catch anything in there?

A perfect drop of water.  Can you find it?

Look! More orchids!

If you’d like to see more of my Phipp’s pictures, or my other pictues, then just go here.