Pictures from around the apartment

This is a picture of the hot chocolate set, as my Mom refers to it, displayed on the hutch in the kitchen.

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My jaw hurts.  It’s been hurting for several days now.  Monday?  Tuesday?  I’m really not sure.  It’s the TMJ and it’s on both sides right now.  I can talk without pain, but not eat.  Taking pills is not easy either.  I don’t know what to do to make it better.  I guess I deserve it.

My stomach’s not happy.  Since Wednesday I’ve been having on and off nausea, normally accompanied by sweating.  I was so sick when I got home from work Wednesday night that I just went to sleep.  I took Zofran to get through Thursday but I was still sick when I got home.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep.  I was starving.  I ate a hot dog (something which actually did not turn my stomach, strangely enough), but I was still starving and had a very hard time going to sleep.  I had to go to therapy today and went grocery shopping.  I was able to eat a hot dog this morning, but not the donut I tried.  Even now, I’m fighting it.  And of course, I was so depressed after therapy that I went and had lunch at Long John Silvers.  Not something my digestive system tolerates very well now that I do not have a gall bladder.  I didn’t go out to see people, even though I wanted to.  I don’t know that I’ll go see Mom tomorrow and F Cubed…well, I just don’t know about that.  It’s more than sickness that would keep me away.

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Do you ever have those moments when you just don’t know what to do?  I’m tired and I’m starting to get overwhelmed.  I have a lot of decisions to make.  I’m trying to re-connect with people.  I am, but I’m intimidated in some ways and feel too pushy in others.  Two weeks ago I saw The Steel City Knitter and Knitting Mama.  Last weekend I made plans to see my favorite French teach, but they fell through.  This weekend I did get to see the Mademoiselle and offered to go see Knitting Mama, though she wasn’t up to it.  I was supposed to go to F-Cubed.  I didn’t.  I was planning to work, but didn’t.  I was way too tired and overwhelmed.  I guess you could say that’s why I didn’t go to F-Cubed.  I almost didn’t go to see the Mademoiselle.  Frankly, it’s intimidating.   These are all good friends of mine and people I trust, so I’m sure you’re wondering why I would feel intimidated.

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Just when I think things are getting under  control, I realize that I miscalculated things.  At this point I honestly don’t know what to do.  I have to work at least 10 to 12 hours of overtime a week between now and October in order to make ends meet.  It’s not going to happen.  It hit me last night when they put up that there was no need for overtime last night.  There’s also no need for overtime tonight.  That’s 4 hours I’m not going to be able to work.  I should be able to work on Friday although I don’t know about tomorrow night.  So that’s 7.5 hours for the week.  I doubt there will be OT on Sunday either.  Now I have to decide if I sign up for Saturday.  I could work 10 – 4:30 which would give me another 6.5 hours, but it also means I could end up working every day for God only knows how long.  I’m not sure how long my wrist could take that.  As it is right now it’s very painful doing certain things and that’s with me wearing a wrist brace.  My left wrist seems to be doing better than my right one, but again, who knows how long that might last.  So I have to figure out what I need to give up this summer.  No going out, no nails, no shopping, no eating out, no Pirates games, etc.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m used to eating ramen noodles for dinner.  And this isn’t even counting car repairs and doctors visits.  Forget about getting my cavities filled – I’ll just have to let my teeth fall out.  At least my generic medications are free.

Right now I’m saying I’ll never date again.  Every time recently I give too much, get too little, and end up broke when it’s over with.  Who knows? I may end up on the street before this is over.  I saw Mom’s list of rules and since I’m working full time I have to pay rent on time every month.  Which might just mean not paying the minimum payments on my credit cards every month which is just going to ruin my credit even more and increase the already long projected time to pay them off.  And no, I don’t use the damn things and haven’t in over a year.  Well, once, for groceries because I didn’t have my debit card.  So if I decide not to pay her, or not pay her on time only God knows what will happen.  And Tom was telling me yesterday that things are going to get better.  What a load of crap.  Of course he was also telling me that people making minimum wage can manage to live on their own so why can’t I?  Yeah, I wanted to belt him.   If he actually gives me money between now and when we move out I might be able to afford my inspection and car repairs.  I might be able to get the alignment done.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not really sure if I have the time or energy for a second job.  Nor am I sure what I’d be able to do.  And it seems that everyone and everything wants me to donate money to something or the other.  *sigh* As if I didn’t have enough to feel guilty over.  Maybe I can sell some of my books, though I hate to do that.  Yeah, life pretty much sucks and I don’t see it getting better.

Well, my last post was different than this post will be.  I haven’t posted yet so far because I’ve been busy.  I’ve been doing a lot of overtime.  A lot.  I will be doing a lot of overtime until at least October.  Yeah, one of the advantages of having a spreadsheet forecasting out expenses and income is that you can tell when you’re just not going to be able to make ends meet.  *sigh*  My wrists are killing me.  I worked on 16 out of the last 19 days (including today and two of the days on which I didn’t work were yesterday and today).  I have my wrist braces and have been wearing them for the most part.  Because I have been doing so much OT the leads decided to teach me how to do singles one night when Alpha was down.  (And no, I don’t expect you to know what Alpha or singles are.)   Twice last week there was VTO and not only did I not take it, I worked 2 hours of OT on those nights.  One of the nice things (for me) is that if they offer OT they can’t cancel it.  But I did have work both nights I stayed when there was VTO so it all worked out.

I was actually totally off meds for almost two weeks, but between everything in my life falling apart and the depression, I decided to start taking Wellbutrin.  Unlike the last two it hasn’t (yet) made me more depressed or motion sick.  Nor has it increased my appetite.  I’m actually eating less now than I was before.  I’m thinking that once I get to Mom’s I might start the Couch to 5K program. Although, since I’ll be working at least 50 hours a week, I might not have the time or the energy.  It’s not well lit at night so I don’t know that I can run after work.  I could try doing it before work. Now that I’m not getting up at 4:30 am I have energy in the morning.  Yeah, I do a lot better on a 2pm to 12:30 am schedule.  I could do a video before work then.  Mom won’t be home so I won’t be disturbing her.

I didn’t talk to anyone on the phone between 3/27 and 4/2.  Unless you count the OT line, but that’s a recording so I don’t.  I didn’t have much interaction with people.  I did next two people and made plans for Saturday.  I worked my tail off.  I was alone, but you know what?  I wasn’t lonely.  I didn’t cry all week.  I didn’t get angry.  I didn’t argue with anyone.  I almost feel guilty, but I didn’t miss Tom.  I must be a cold bitch to feel that way.  Friday I had an appointment with Melissa.  She was shocked that I broke up with Tom.  Shocked.  When I explained she said that she was glad that I was standing up for myself.  I was thinking and this is the first time in years that I’ve done that consistently.  I’m not the person I was a year ago.  Getting rid of the over abundance of meds has made a difference.

I feel like I have to learn who I am again.  I have to find out what I like and what I want to do.  I’m actually interested in doing things.  I made plans this past weekend and saw people.  People said I was different.  I am.  I have to find out where I’m going and what I want to do.  I’ve made changes in my life recently and I think I will be making more changes.  I’m not going to put with what I have in the past.  I’m not going to continually go out of my way for people who won’t help me.  Some of the things that go to me, don’t.  Some of the things I let go by, I no longer do.  I’m going to keep going and see where this takes me.

For awhile I’ve been drifting and not sure of what to do or where to go.  I’ve made decisions and tried my best, but things have fallen apart.  I think there’s something wrong in just about every area in my life. My health, my transportation, my job, my relationship, my shelter, my finances, etc. it all seems to be falling apart. I’ve gotten away from God and I’m not sure how to get back.  I’m afraid and I’m not sure why.  I’m not sure I can ever go back.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.

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Starts with Goodbye – Carrie Underwood

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn’t understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you’re standing at a crossroad,
There’s a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it’s gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there’s a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life’s so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it’s gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]
I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it’s gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
It’s sad but, sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
Na na na na na na na.

Can I just say that I’m scared?  Life has sucked recently.  Tom was hit by a car on Saturday night. So far he’s lost almost an entire week’s of work.  His knee and shoulder are injured. I found out today that tomorrow he’s being sent for a MRI of his knee and won’t be able to go back until after we get the results from the doctor.  She didn’t like how his knee sounded.  So my prediction is, if there’s nothing wrong with the knee, is that the earliest he can go back is Thursday and the earliest he can get a load is Friday.  *sigh* Without tom working we start running out of money fairly quickly, especially at this point since he hasn’t been keeping up with his payments to me for various reasons.  So yeah, we’re low on money.  Due to this I’ve signed up for 14.5 hours of OT (time and a half and double time) this weekend.  Plus the 1.5 to 2 hours I’ve already done this week.  It’ll be hell, I think, but it needs to be done.  I’ve already gone through once and figured out what bills aren’t going to be paid this month and it looks like I’ll have to search for some hard numbers to figure it at this point.  I don’t know how long I’ll have to work crazy OT, but it could be a while.  Unless, of course, some untoward things happen tomorrow.

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Tom was hit by a car Saturday night while walking around the complex.  He hurt his shoulder and his knee and is out from work until at least Thursday.  I thought that since he was trapped home and couldn’t work that I might get to spend some time with him even though I have to work.  The only think I can say is that I get to see him.  I can’t find my bluetooth at the moment so I can’t talk to him while I’m driving.  So I talked to him on all of my breaks yesterday.  After my 11 pm break he went to sleep.  It’s 11:39 am and he’s still sleeping.  I went grocery shopping last night and got him a bunch of stuff – clothes (his only fitting pair of jeans had to be cut due to the accident), food, flowers, Bengay, and cherry Crush.  He doesn’t even know it because he’s not awake.  He’s sleeping on the couch in the living room and didn’t wake when I brought groceries in, did dishes, and made myself something to eat.  I almost completely cleaned my room Sunday night and he didn’t even comment on it.  I felt so horrible yesterday and I still went to get him things at the store.  I was literally shaking when I got home and I had no help.  I know he’s hurt and that he needs to sleep in order to heal, but you know what?  I still resent it.  I was exhausted yesterday and had to work for 10+ hours.  I was shaking, feeling nauseated, having hot flashes, had back pain, etc.  I had to remind him to take the pain medication.  I’m trying to figure out how to afford everything and what to pay and not pay.  After I finish this I’m going to get dressed, eat breakfast, make lunch, call work and let them know I’m coming in early, and go to work to do some OT.  I have to cancel getting my car repaired on Friday.  I’m finishing up going through withdrawal and I’m just waiting for the back and abdominal cramps to start.  Not to mention the blood.  I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m hurting.  I know I hurt him on Sunday.  My emotions were out of control and things were going straight from my brain out my mouth.  I found out this weekend that not only has he been patronizing me, he’s also been lying to me.  He keeps telling me that it’s okay and that we’ll get through my medication trial and error and not to worry about cleaning if I just couldn’t do it.  On Friday (or was it Saturday?) he blew up about the fact that I hadn’t been cleaning things (which is incredibly hard to do when you’re depressed because you don’t give a shit about yourself, let alone the kitchen) and told me that I was a different person every weekend and he was sick of it.  If I’m a different person all the time, how can he know whether or not he loves me?  You can’t love someone if you don’t know who they are.  And will he love me when I’m finally through this?  I don’t know who I’ll be.  I’m not the co-dependent person I was when we met.  I wasn’t strong then and I depended on him for a whole lot.  I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again.  How am I supposed to know if he really loves me?  How am I supposed to know if he’ll love me a month from now?  I don’t know how to handle it all.  I’m scared and I’m alone.  I’m jealous of my friends who have people in their lives to talk to and do things with.  I don’t know where to go from here.  (He did get up at some point – the Bengay is open.)  I’m alone even when I’m with someone.  Sometimes I think I’ll always be alone.