by LJ user velociraptorx at the wickpixgraphics community

by LiveJournal user xbelladollx

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

I also have several troubling things going on.

On the money front I have a local tax mess to deal with.   From Dec 2008 to May 2010, I lived in Baldwin which has a Pittsburgh zip code.  They started out with the correct rate – 1%.  I cannot tell if it was going to the right place – my company has a 3rd party collect and distribute the local tax payments.  After the pay period ending 8/22/09, someone at HR Workways changed my local tax withholding to the city of Pittsburgh.  Let me make this clear – I did not and have never lived within the city limits of Pittsburgh.  There were no changes in August of that year – no raises, no change of address, no change of anything.  The biggest problem is not only did they start sending my payments to the city of Pittsburgh they changed my withholding to the tax rate for residents of the city of Pittsburgh.  That rate is 3%.  You might be wondering why I didn’t immediately notice.  The thing is I punch in and out of a computer so they know how much I’m logged in to the second.  August was also a time when header had a lot of VTO.  I have not had 2 paychecks be the same the entire time I’ve worked for the company.  My last paycheck for the pay period ending 10/9/10 was much higher than I expected.  It was ten dollars less than what I expected to get on the week I wasn’t having my car insurance deducted which is around $30.  I compared my last two paychecks and discovered that they stopped deducting 3% and sending it to Pittsburgh and starting deducting 1% and sending to Keystone.  Again – there was absolutely no reason for them to change my local taxes at that time.  If they had changed it, it should have been in June around the time when I changed my address.  I didn’t check at that time because I didn’t expect it to change. I knew it was being sent to Keystone which is labeled as N Versailles so it wouldn’t have showed up as the individual cities changing.  Due to several problems – me working tons of OT, getting local tax bills from 2 different localities and not knowing which was correct (my apartment complex was in both – I wasn’t sure which one I was actually in), moving and losing my W2.  I would have noticed it this weekend – I had just received a copy of my W2 which I had requested and was going to fill out the taxes on the weekend.  I just got a few days head start.

I did call our local payroll person and she told me to call HR Workways since they were the ones who were responsible for entering and keeping track of that information.  I called them after I woke up Friday afternoon and after I had done research to find out when the deductions had originally changed and when it changed back.  The woman I talked to tried to tell me that I should have had my payments going to Pittsburgh since my address was Pittsburgh.  *sigh*  I really wish people would realize that just because the zip code says one city that it’s not necessarily the locality that gets the taxes.  Of course, I’ve always dealt with local people dealing with where the taxes should be sent.  Anyways, she told me she was unable to access the information and that she would open an investigation.  She’s supposed to call me Monday or Tuesday.  Keystone closes every day at 4 pm so I was unable to talk to them.  I’ll have to do that later today.  I’m thinking that I’m going to make a complaint to my company about this.  HR Workways is, from what I understand, a 3rd party company who does the administration work for the company.  Since they had no reason to change it and no reason to change it back when they did, there is something seriously wrong.  I think that someone looked at my city, said it should be sent to Pittsburgh, and made the change in August.  I don’t know why they changed it back when they did.  They should have done it in June, not October.  I’m owed over $180 for 2009 and over $550 for 2010.  I should be able to get the 2009 money relatively soon since the year is complete.  I just have to figure out who I have to get it from.  I don’t know where it is at this point.  I’m not as sure about the 2010 money.  I don’t know if it can be refunded by anyone since the year is still going on or if I have to wait for a W-2.  I am not happy.  No I did not notice it, however I should not have had to notice it.  That’s the bottom line.  They should not have made the change.  I was angry when I figured it out but I was livid when I did the calculations and realized how much money I was owed and that I may not be able to collect the majority of it until February of next year.  I’m trying to be positive – “I got a 2% raise!”  but it’s not really working very well.

I haven’t been feeling well. I was sick last week and this week I’ve apparently begun what appears to be a period although that really shouldn’t be possible at this point.  I’m taking active pills.  But I have the pain.  I’m going to have to be sure I have all the meds to take to work this week.  *sigh*  I should have about 2 months before I have to go through this crap again.

I’m also trying to figure out what to do about my cell phone plans.  I think I might split Mom off – it would be cheaper for me to pay both of them if they were separate, especially if she can get an AARP discount.  I’m also trying to decide if I want a smartphone, what smartphone I want, and if I want to stick with Verizon which has the best network but is also very expensive.  Especially since I’m not really sure my employee discount would apply to a data plan.  The possibility of me changing to Sprint exists as well.  The $69.99 plan sounds good, but I’m not sure about their network.  I’m still trying to gather research.  My contract is up in February, though I could upgrade my phone with Verizon now.  Decisions, decisions.

That’s a lot of words – I don’t update often but I make up for it with the word count, I guess.

by Livejournal user izabeth

Graphics from Enchanted Hollows

I know part of it depends on what you have in common with someone.  That’s a big problem for me that I’m really not sure how to change.  I don’t have a whole lot in common with the people in my life right now.  Most of them are married with (young) children.  The others are in a relationship or have children.  I read a lot.  I probably spend a lot of my free time reading.  Some of that has to do with the fact that I don’t have much to do outside of the house.  I also have unusual reading choices, at least in my circle.  I enjoy sci fi, fantasy, and romances.  I do like watching football and hockey and going to baseball games, but that seems to be hard to plan.  Another problem is my hours.  My life rarely includes mornings.  I work until either 12:30 am or 2:30 am and I try to avoid varying that on the weekends.  It just makes my life easier.  I don’t go to church on Sundays.  I usually sleep till about 1 pm on the weekends which cuts out morning services.  Not to mention that I have a hard time fitting in at churches on my own.  Sometimes friendships grow because of the people you live around.  I live in a neighborhood of retirees and senior citizens.  Sometimes friendship grow at work.  The people on my shift who I work with do not talk to me.  I only talk to leads and supervisors and only when I have questions.  Sometimes I go to people who know about the protocol I’m working in if the lead doesn’t know.  I’m completely isolated there.  I spend more time talking to the van drivers who I see for less than 10 minutes a day.  *shrug*  Not much I can do about that.

A lot of the problem, however, is me.  I’ve spent most of my life on the outskirts, not fitting in.  It didn’t start by choice, but it lasted throughout my public school career.  It got better in high school, but my choices were rarely the popular ones.  I’ve always been grateful that I have always enjoyed learning and excelled at it as well.  Although that was, in some instances, was the problem.  I’m quiet.  I shy.  I’m not terribly fond of large groups of people. I don’t know how to break into groups.  I don’t tend to interrupt people.  I will wait and if the conversation turns so that what I have to say is no longer relevant, I don’t say it.  I don’t invite myself places and I don’t feel comfortable just dropping by to see someone.

Of course, I couldn’t fairly go through my thoughts on friendship without bringing up the depression.  I’ve noticed that these days my depression makes me feel even more isolated, unloved, and unwanted.  It’s incredibly hard to impossible for me to set up plans.  I just give up.  It can make me an erratic friend.  I’ve had people tell me that they can’t handle being around me.  We’ve talked and worked through things, but I’d be lying if I said that it hadn’t scarred me.  For one thing it’s made me even more cautious with what I tell people.  I don’t believe that people will listen when I’m negatively emotional so the closer to sadness it is, the less I talk about it.  I might post about it, but people won’t comment.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to people starting conversations with me online and just disappearing whether it be by going offline, saying that they need to leave for a minute and never come back, or just stop talking altogether.  It’s frustrating.  But people are busy.  So I get used to it and accept it.

I don’t know how I would need to change or if changing would make a difference.  I don’t really want the things the people I know have.  There are some aspects, of course, that I envy, but I wouldn’t want to be any of them.  I tend to think I’m destined or meant to be alone.  *shrug*

Sig by livejournal user phyncke by xpixie_palacex

Update: I talked to Dad on Saturday and he said he would call me back.  He said he’d call me.  It is now 1:15 am on Sunday.  He’s not going to call me back.  I’m not going to be able to stay with them unless they get back before Sunday night.  If they leave Thursday while I’m at work I can’t pick up a key.  They’re totally out of the way so I won’t have time to pick one up, especially if I work OT.  I guess I have to try and figure out how I’m going to handle this.  It’s bad enough that none of them like me at work.  I don’t want them teasing me.  Especially since I know that it’s going to be going on probably for most of the next month.

I don’t normally have problems with the power company.  We don’t have many outages and the ones we do have don’t usually last long.  I’m not counting the outages during the great snow storms of February 2010, though.  That’s nowhere near normal for us.  Not to mention that I was only without power for about an hour, though I was without heat for much longer.  But that was Leland Pointe’s fault.  I digress.  I’m not too happy that rates will be going up soon, but I can live with it.

So why, you wonder, am I upset?  (And yes, I’m upset.  I’ve been fuming, panicking, and grumbling off and on, though rarely all at the same time.)  Duquesne Light has decided that they are going to upgrade the power system in Cantebury Commons.  Great! Wonderful for Cantebury Commons people.  Well, except for those who are furious that they will now have boxes in their yards.  They are also going to do some upgrading to Castlewood.  Wonderful! Why am I upset?  Because not only will I be without power during the day between the hours of 8:00 am and 4:30 pm M-R next week (though they said at the meeting that they would probably not shut the power off till Tuesday or Wednesday since they had to bring all the equipment in and junk), the power will be on and off intermittently for the next 6 weeks.   Yes, you read that right. 6 freaking weeks.

Mom went to the meeting they held on Tuesday and found out several things.  The representative (who retired from DL and now consults for them) said that the cables and equipment were 30 to 40 years old.  Um…we moved in in 2001 and Castlewood (the plan I live in) was only about 5 years old, if that, at that time.  So that makes our plan 14 years old.  Cantebury is that old, but now us.  The issue is that Castlewood is behind Cantebury.  You have to go through Cantebury to get to Castlewood.  So all the power goes through Cantebury to get to Castelwood.  So the entire time they will be working on the main part of the project (Cantebury) we (Castlewood) will have power interruptions.  It will take six weeks or so to get through it all.  They need to put three types of boxes in.  Castlewood has 2 of the 3 in spots around the neighborhood already.  All we need is the mini coffin one (the reps description, not mine).  Cantebury has no boxes – they all have underground sewer-type access.  As they progress through Cantebury the people there will stop having power outages.  The people closest to the beginning will be out the shortest amount of time.  Those of us who are practically up to date will be with power the most amount of time.

Did I mention that they didn’t bother to check the demographics of the people living in these plans?  Cantebury is younger people and middle-aged people.  Castlewood, however, is a patio home community.  The majority of the residents are retirees.  The didn’t have enough room at their meeting because they didn’t expect anyone to show up since the outages would basically be during work hours.  He said that, looked at the group there, then made the remark that they hadn’t bothered to check the demographics.  *sigh*  Now that he’s seen the people at the meeting they will definitely bring a cooling trailer in for next week.   He also said to duct tape the fridge closed so no one opens it.  Yup, duct tape.  To people over 65.  Yeah, I could an 80 year-old grandmother getting out the duct tape for that.  *rolls eyes* Mom’s going to have to unhook the electric garage opener to make it manual.  The family who has someone who needs oxygen will get a generator that will run the oxygen and the fridge.

So why won’t I be around?  Because I will be staying at my father’s house and I’m not sure how I will be able to use the internet.  He has it, but I’m not sure how I would hook it up and all that.  You see, I get up at 10:49 am.  I live upstairs in the loft on the side of the house that faces the sun in the morning.  On an afternoon when the sun was on the other side of the house and was going down, the loft went from 73 degrees to 80 degrees in less than 2 hours with the air off.  The windows do have black out drapes and yes, I have 2 windows.  However, the windows are in dormers which do not provide much air circulation.  You need a fan for that and with no power I have no fan.  Also, I will have no lights to see by.  I will not have an alarm clock to wake me up.  No hot water for my shower, not to mention that the bathrooms (both of them) are in the inside of the house with no windows.  Hard to do hair, brush teeth, put contacts in without being able to see.  I do salads for my lunch with an apple.  I would have to open the fridge to get it (I put ham on my salad for some protein.) I normally make a hot dog in the microwave and eat it as I drive out of the plan. I can do almost none of that with no power!  So I’m removing to my father’s and Kathy’s for the week.

Did I mention that they don’t work on F, S or S?  And that they can’t leave until the power goes on each day no matter how late it takes (though it should never be later than 8 pm)?  And that we should unplug everything so they don’t get fried in power surges when the power goes back on each night?

See, the first week isn’t that difficult.  I’m just going to Dad’s where there will be power even if there’s no a/c.  But at least I’ll be able to use a fan or 2!   The difficult part (for me) is the next 5 weeks.  There is no set schedule as to when the power will be out.  We can call after 5 pm to find out who the power will be out for the next day and when.  Isn’t that nice of them?  Of course, some nights I don’t get home until after 3 am which doesn’t give me much time to figure out what  the hell I’m going to do if they decide to shut the power off between 10:45 am and 12:25 pm.  And since I live in Castlewood, that could happen often.  But only on M-R!  Of course, I only work M-R and I have no time to take off until my vacation at the end of September (which is 7 weeks away, of course) and no time to take off after that until December!  If I did, I would have stayed home sick on Monday! I’m sorry, I have 5 hours.  That’s half a day.   It’s not going to go very far over 5 weeks.  Not  to mention that until I get to the last hour, I have to to take it in 2 hour increments.   So I can use it three times.  *sigh*  I wish I could move somewhere until the end of September.  It would make life so much easier.  Although I would miss Mom, Jack, Gracie, and especially my baby Kit Kit.  Who for some reason feels the need to try and cover his water dish.  I don’t know why, but I was just watching him paw the carpet and table shelf around his water bowl.  And no, I can’t just run over to Dad’s and take a shower on those days after the first week.  He lives 45 minutes or so away from Mom!  Argh!

But if you don’t see me next week, that’s why.  Stupid power company and their stupid upgrades and not upgrading Cantebury when they extended the lines to build Castlewood.

I’m starting to get sick of feeling pressured by people telling me I need to or should get my degree.  First thing, it’s expensive and I’m broke.  I have to pay off bills before I could consider that it and that will take years.  By then finishing my education will be even more expensive!  The thing is I’m not really sure why I need it.  I’ve never not had a job, other than the two or three weeks after Team went out of business.  I’ve had jobs where you need a degree and multiple of years in the industry (neither of which I had).  I will (eventually) make more at the job I have (which I don’t need a degree for) than I have at any other job.  2 years and 2 and a half months.  The only degree I’m close to getting is an English degree.  What on earth am I going to do with that?  I don’t know what else I would do.  Medical transcriptionist has been suggested.  Do they really have degrees for that?  I thought that was a certificate thing.  *shrug*  Melissa says to get a degree to move up in my job.  Um…I don’t know what degrees you need to become a pharmacist, but I bet it’s expensive.  Not to mention that I don’t really want to be a pharmacist.  They have to talk to people.  Melissa thinks I should go into management.   I don’t understand why.  I don’t really want to.  I don’t really want to have to deal with all the things that managers have to deal with.  I like what I do now.  I guess there’s something wrong with me because I’m not that ambitious.  I don’t understand why I have to be.  Can’t my goals just be to be better at the job I have?  I have room for improvement.

Another thing I don’t understand is the pressure on me to date.  Why can’t I just not date?  Melissa spent 20 minutes telling me I should date.  I should find someone at work.  I should meet guy’s eyes at coffee shops and bookstore cafes.  I should join eHarmony and find someone online.  There are difficulties with that.  Most of the people at work are in relationships or are married.  Not to mention that they don’t talk to me.  And the fact that most of them like to go out and drink and I don’t.  I don’t like coffee.  When I go somewhere with a book I’m basically focused on the book.  I get lost in it unless I have to be aware of the time.  I don’t look at the people there with me.  Meeting people online isn’t exactly the most safe of things to do.  I know plenty of people who have done it, but I’m very wary.  Melissa pushed eHarmony on me, but I know that’s expensive.  She said look for a free weekend.  She doesn’t want me to “waste my cuteness”.  I didn’t know it was wasted because I wasn’t going out with anyone. *rolls eyes*

Why do I need to date in the first place?  I don’t want children so I don’t really have to worry about a biological clock or anything.  I have depression which can be quite difficult and most people, especially men, don’t understand.  Even some of those who claim to understand have negative prejudices about depression.  I also don’t tend to trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships.  I’ve dated 6 guys.   2 of the relationships were extremely short.  1 of them was okay, but we just weren’t right for each other.  2 of them were very unhealthy.  2 of them drained me completely financially.  (1 of them was both unhealthy and draining.  That’s why the numbers don’t add up.)  The later ones seem to be worse than the earlier ones.  5 out of 6 is not a good record.  I’m sick of going through it.  I seem to end up giving too much and getting too little.  I don’t want to do it any more.  I also don’t go anywhere where I would meet people.  Melissa suggested I ask my friends if they know any single guys.  Yeah, so not me.  Not going to happen.  Oh yeah, it’s only been about 4 months since I broke up with the last guy.

I know these leaves me in a bad place for the future.  I know it will end up with me alone with no one constant in a few years.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.  I’m focusing more on what I’m doing now.  I don’t understand why that’s not good enough for people.  I’m content where I am, for the most part.  I’m not thrillingly happy, but I’m not horribly depressed.  I can stand the former and I love the latter.  People who don’t have depression don’t understand how wonderful the absence of sadness can be.