You probably won’t believe this, but there are days when I wish I could end this life.  Days like today when I’m left feeling empty, old, weary, and sad.  Mornings when the anger comes on so thick, so dark, so violent I scare myself.  When it circles around and gets worse and worse and I’m doing things which I despise.  And to ease that tension, to deal with that level of emotion, I do something despicable - I turn on myself.  Hitting, punching, scratching, biting - it takes away the tension when it becomes too much.  I’ve been getting worse as the days go on.  I’m not sure what to do.  There is a part of me that is wishing that I was moving out right away, so I could be alone with my pain.  So that there would be the possibility of getting treatment soon.  I’m trapped here, for now.  Or at least that’s the way I feel.  Trapped.  I long for freedom.  Freedom from my job - the freedom to write.  That just gets me irritated.  I didn’t have extra time today, though I did steal some.  I have a story that I’ve been working on.  I haven’t shared it - I want to work on the beginning.  It started out one way and I don’t like the way it goes.  I’m creating a world.  A world with daemons and fey, as I call them.  A world with people both good and bad.  I love that.  I love having the words just flow from my brain into the computer.  I don’t know where it comes from, but I love it.  I hate to take away from that.  There’s a certain beauty in creating something new.  Except for the life of me I cannot remember my main character’s last name!  There’s a part of me that wants to take a lower paying job at a position I may or may not like as much which is much closer to the new place.  But I wouldn’t want to start that until I moved there.  And I don’t move there for another month.  Its so frustrating.  There’s a part of me that wants out of the city desperately - I don’t want to try and find my way there in the event of a strike.  I have a plan for getting there from here, but not from Baldwin.  I don’t think I can afford it.  I’m pretty sure that I cannot afford it.  Co-pays are always going to be there.  I’ll have to pay at least once a week and on some weeks, twice a week.  If I go into physical therapy then there will be co-pays for that three times a week, if I remember my doctor’s orders correctly.  If I leave I might have to go COBRA which could be up to $500 a month.  It can take up to three months to get health benefits, sometimes longer than that if you’re doing a temp to hire.  *sigh*

I don’t want to find myself in a hole I can’t get out of.  At the prompting of my mother I wonder if I’m moving from depression to bipolar.  I don’t want to find myself in a place where dying is more desirable than living.  I was there once.  I don’t want to go back.  I just don’t see a way out.

Last few of the summer

A pair of lonely Stella D’Oros

Trees:  Light and Dark

The Fountain at USX Tower

Monday

-Go to work.  Be glad Colleen is back. *update* Colleen is back but I still have to do her work.  Sandy and Sylvia are both off.  *sigh*

-Talk to Tom.

-Make dinner.

Tuesday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, training, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom.

Wednesday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom.

Thursday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom

Friday

-Go to work.  Pretend like I can handle Boston, Philly, loan checks, and EFT morning stuff.  Get overwhelmed, swear, cry, hurt myself.  I get to do this for the next two weeks!

-Talk to Tom.  Stay up late to do so.

Saturday

-Sleep in.

-Talk to Tom.

-Grocery shopping.

Sunday

-Sleep in.

-Talk to Tom

-Laundry

Intermixed in the week will be taking photos, plurking, and other various random things.  Boring, isn’t it.  And not fun.

Well, I’m really not all that excited.  I got yelled at at work today in front of the whole floor.  That made me sad and angry, which you know if you Plurk.  But I’m home now, talking to my guy, installing programs, and contemplating dinner.  (Tom’s having Chinese.  Sarah’s having mac’n cheese and hot dogs.  I want!) I got some good pictures today of the dog, but I don’t think I’m going to upload them tonight.  Maybe later.  Bad news: Tom’s truck looks like it has a broken head (since when did trucks have heads?) and its going to take about a week to repair.  That means no miles, which means no paycheck.  :(  That is very bad.  But, there is some good news - the company put Tom up at a hotel (motel?  What’s the difference?) which means not only can he take showers every day, he can even take baths! (Trust me, this is cause for excitement.  Tom loves his showers.)  I have Tom all signed up with Plurk, now to get him on Facebook.  And maybe LJ.  I definitely want him to see my sites.  Which reminds me, I need to track down the login page for my website.  I don’t have it bookmarked on this computer.  And I must check on Techievampire.  Darn, no update.  I’m worried about them.  Maybe I’ll call them later.  Yeah, when I get off the phone with Tom!  But I’m talking to Tom!  And that makes me happy!  Yay!

Stolen from nancypaynter who stole it from someone else. I don’t know who that someone else is, but here are my answers.

You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, “Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???” And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.

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A few good things.  I’m dating someone.  That makes me happy.  The puppy is slowing getting the whole house breaking thing.  That makes me happy.  I still have a job.  That kinda sorta makes me happy.  The bus was on time and got me back to Moon in time for me to make it to my appointment with the surgeon.  I guess that makes me happy.

A few bad things.  I just found out I’m having surgery.  My boyfriend is currently in NY and could be in TN come Monday.  My friend’s father is dying.  My depression has been very bad the past several days.  I was hitting myself this morning (Well, my morning - which lasts until 1 pm).  I feel very petty right now, for reasons I’m not going into.  They are unworthy of the situation and my own burden to bear.  Besides, there are more important things than me.

There.  A mini update.  Just for you. 

I just took an ipersonic personality test and this is the result:

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I’m still talking to a tomato - I’m not sure if it qualifies as talking to a fruit or a vegetable.  *sigh*  The profound questions in my life today.  My stomach aches have been much better (gee, I wonder why?) although I did hurt my toe.  How, I don’t know.  I just know it hurts.

Ha.  My cat is curled up with my shoes.  The slippers, the sneakers, and the black heels.  *shakes head*

I’m going to the game tomorrow night! Woot!  My dad’s even going to drive me back to the park and ride so I don’t have to pay to park in the city.  Yippee!  Hopefully, we’ll make it out before the fireworks go off.  Me+fireworks=panic.  Not fun.  And I love fireworks!

Ha.  There’s a cat behind me on my chair.  I didn’t know that till now.  I’ve got both cats.  And a spiced cider candle.  And I found my little Starbucks espresso mug that I use to catch change in.  It was on a shelf in my closet.  Understandably, since I empty it into a container in my closet.

My worst fear has happened.  Well, not my worst fear every, but one of my worst fears about work.  I’m going to be responsible for doing all three fraud reports.  *sigh*  I think I can get them done, but I don’t know about doing them, the loan checks, and the other reports.  Not to mention rendering statements and prepping sig cards.  Next week shall be interesting.  And hectic.  I guess I’m going to budget for coke icees every day after work.

I need more minutes.  ‘Nuff said.

Watch for the Friday Five!

Good evening everyone.  Its once again time for me to inform you of the wonderful plans I have for the week.  Don’t worry, this won’t take long.

5/19 - Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/20 - Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/21 - Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep. (Nope, no therapy appointment this week.)

5/22 - Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/23 - Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/24 - Sleep in.  Relax.

5/25 - Go to church, hopefully.  Laundry. Clean.

I will be doing various activities such as talking on the phone to my friend, finding three positive things for each day (therapy homework), spending time on the internet, etc. 

My view of the world is a very negative one.

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