Well, I need to go to sleep, but I’m very thirsty so while I drink something, I’m doing a quick post. I have to get up early to go see my psychiatrist for a half hour appointment. I have no clue as to why she wants to see me for a half hour but it’s very inconvenient. I’m still trying to figure out when I need to set my alarm for. I don’t know what she’s going to say. I haven’t take anything type of psychiatric drug since a week after I saw her last. I’m fairly confident there is no Wellbutrin in my system. She told me it had a short half life and would be gone quickly. I was not taking a therapeutic level dose when I stopped the Lamictal so it really makes no difference if it is in my system or not. I don’t know if she’s going to give me a hard time or not. I hope not. And can I say that I hope that there is OT in the morning or else I’m going to be highly irritated and quite bored for a good period of time.

I’m not sure how I did it – today was rough. It started out with no OT then I had to deal with the idiots at HR Workways. I just didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t want to but I have bills to pay so off to work I went. Nothing terribly exciting on the ride there, but I did notice that there were not a lot of cars in the parking lot and when the van go there a bunch of people from Header daylight got out so they had gotten VTO. I got to work and realized that I had left the Nook at home which meant I had nothing to read. Got upstairs and looked at the header, OE and pharmacist schedules and sure enough daylight on all three had received VTO. You can tell just by looking. I’m working along and today, just like yesterday, the radio signal was horrible. Then about 3:15 pm (1 hour and 15 minutes into my 10 hour shift) one of the sups announces an interest list for VTO for all of OE. I didn’t sign up. I had no clue when I would leave if I took it. By 3:30 pm it had been approved. So before my first break of the day I could have left for the day. I didn’t know what to do so I called Mom and it was short and unpleasant. I won’t be calling her at work again unless I’m dying. I didn’t leave. Worked, had lunched, listened to the Pens game. I was able to download the Penguins official app and stream the game over the phone so I could actually hear most of it. there were 2 downsides to this – one was that the volume varied greatly from commercial to game and even from commercial to commercial. The second was that after so long the radio would shut off. But considering that I could hear it clearly, it was worth it. The Pens tied it and went into overtime where they lost in the last 4 seconds of the period. I stayed at work. I didn’t really have any reason to leave, even if my arm, elbow, wrist, hand and finger did hurt, if Mom didn’t really want me around. After all, the only thing I’m actually good for is working. I spent most of the day fighting off tears and just wanting to set my head down and sob. I didn’t. I kept working. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to my favorite host on The Fan. I just couldn’t. I listened to my iPod. Left late actually, since I was in the middle of a complicated order. Only by 1 minute, though. Get into the van and realized that my favorite van driver didn’t have any clue that my shift was over at 12:30 am or that there was VTO and therefore no OT meaning I wasn’t going to be staying late. Nor did he realize that when I work OT I work 2 hours post shift unless the weather is bad or there is no work to do. I’ve only been doing this for over a year now. Not to mention that except for last week, I never work OT Wednesday nights. *shrug* Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Drove home. All of my music stations were depressing – even KLove. So I spent the entire ride home flipping channels and trying not to cry. So I’m home, I hurt, I’m not exactly eating terrifically, I still want to cry and I’m going to go to sleep. I’m useless and worthless and wish I could just curl up into a ball and stay there. I can’t. I have to get up and go to work tomorrow. I’m feeling (emotionally) worse and worse this week and the lessens any chance of me doing anything. Not that it matters since I’ll be the only one who’s really suffering.  You have no idea how much right now I don’t want to go on.  I will because I have to and that’s basically the only reason why.

by LJ user velociraptorx at the wickpixgraphics community

I haven’t been posting because I’ve been scared.  I don’t have a lot of contact with people in the first place and I’m afraid anything I say will irritate at the least one or more of my friends.  I’m scared, I’m alone, and since lowering the med my depression is getting worse.  No more hot flashes and I no longer feel like I’m dying at work most of the time, but I spend more time wanting to cry.  Just looking at my top posts on my news feed on Facebook was depressing.  So many of them were about my friends and their families and lives.  They all seem to have something going on – some reason to keep going on while I’m wondering why I keep going.  Go to work to pay the bills for expenses incurred I’ll never be reimbursed for then come home, play FarmVille & Mousehunt, and go to sleep.  I’ve read no blogs that aren’t sports blogs for quite a while now.  I haven’t seen anyone all year (other than my parents) and each week it gets harder. I do not want to bring people down and I also know people don’t want to be around someone who feels depressed.  Not to mention that people always want a reason. Even my father who has seen me deal with depression for over 10 years now wants reasons why I’m depressed.  It doesn’t always work that way!  Sometimes (a lot of the time these days) I just feel down then things come along that make the downness worse.  I don’t tend to tell people what those things are because people take it the wrong way.  They seem to think that because I’m down and jealous that I don’t want them to be happy, do things, have lives, or hear about it, which isn’t true.  People don’t understand why it hurts and if I try to explain I’m just wrong.  I get sick of arguing.    Right now I do not have hope. I do not have a great future in store.  I do not see any way in which God could possibly use me.  Once my parents are gone I will not have anyone close to me.  And don’t suggest either of my sisters – I haven’t heard from them in months and I know I won’t hear from D until my birthday unless we happen to run into each other at Mom’s or she needs something from me.  The only thing I can do is type and complain.  I’m doing both those things rather well at times.  Oh yeah, and read.  If I’m reading a book (let’s specify a fictional story) then I’m not feeling or thinking things.  I have very little use or purpose and certainly nothing that someone else couldn’t do, some even a bit better.  I get up and go to work every day because I have to. I have no other choice and I have no reason not to.  *shrug*  My dad was telling me the other day that I shouldn’t be down because I don’t know what might be around the corner.  The last 2 corners I took left me riddled with debt because I was too generous and in some cases badly used.  I guess I should be happy that I have this job which makes it so that I can afford to pay my bills but it’s hard when people don’t want to talk to you but you see them talking to other people on the floor and when you’re cleaning off your car with weak wrists then driving home for over an hour on badly treated roads.  At least I like what I do and get to actually use my problem solving skills – when I’m not grumbling about stupid doctors & their staffs, patients, and fellow employees.

by LiveJournal user xbelladollx

I know I haven’t been around. I’ve been feeling quite ill for last quarter last year and all this year so far.  It may be the medication that I raised just before I started feeling ill, so I’m stepping back down.  I really hope this does it. My doctor said she had another patient who had similar reaction to the same medication.  It’s not going to be easy – it’s my depression medication.  Not only may my depression increase, but I’ll be paranoid about it and may even withdraw even more, if that’s possible.  You have no idea how afraid I am of being condemned and/or hated.

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

Is there some rule somewhere that states when you hit 31 your body goes crazy on you?  I have large dry and flaky areas on the side of my face in front of my ears on both sides, a little higher on my temple on the right side, and down on my neck on one of the sides.  My chin is breaking out – but that’s probably due to the fact that since my skin has been dry I haven’t been using my acne gel as much.  I got sick and have been feeling sick at work on a regular basis for weeks (but the latter might be the heat).  My stomach aches on a regular basis (every Sunday since my birthday). Now I’m having a period I shouldn’t be having at a time when I shouldn’t be having it!  Argh!! Facing definite back and possible abdominal cramps is not high on my agenda, but at least if it gets too bad I have vicodin to take.  Somebody shoot me!  Or turn back the clock!  The only thing that hasn’t been a major problem is my depression (which is odd) although when it gets to be late and I’m tired that tends to rear up as well. (Wednesday night was not good, but that’s another blog post.)

1. Finish email to Aunt Jo
2. Call Keystone about taxes
3. Grocery shop
4. sign up for OT
5. Call Dr Coleman for appointment or referral to someone who has appointments on Friday

I also have several troubling things going on.

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Someone on Facebook made a comment about friendship and it’s got me thinking about the subject.  What makes a friend?

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This week has been full of frustrations.  I felt sick for most of the week and therefore did not do any post shift overtime.  I found out that Duquesne Light, after sending a letter saying that we would be without power during the day from August 16 to August 19, has updated their website on the infrastructure improvement project for my neighborhood to inform us that we will have power that week, but will daily be without power August 23 to August 26.   Dad is leaving for NY this Thursday with no clear return date.  I doubt, unfortunately, that they will allow me to be there.  I also figured out that I will be without power for most of the scheduled 6 weeks of the project.  So I’m trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do.  We’ve found a travel alarm clock so I’ll be able to get up in the morning.  I’m going to look for my flash light and get batteries for it.  *shrug*

Update: I talked to Dad on Saturday and he said he would call me back.  He said he’d call me.  It is now 1:15 am on Sunday.  He’s not going to call me back.  I’m not going to be able to stay with them unless they get back before Sunday night.  If they leave Thursday while I’m at work I can’t pick up a key.  They’re totally out of the way so I won’t have time to pick one up, especially if I work OT.  I guess I have to try and figure out how I’m going to handle this.  It’s bad enough that none of them like me at work.  I don’t want them teasing me.  Especially since I know that it’s going to be going on probably for most of the next month.

Next week is going to suck.  I most likely will not be around from Sunday night through sometime on Friday.  It’s not my fault, either.  The fault lies with Duquesne Light.

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I really don’t understand.  I don’t.  Why do I have to have what other people think I should have?  What’s wrong with being content with what I have?

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