Life ‘N At
I don’t know what to do anymore. There are moments when I hate my life, but most of the time I just get no pleasure from it. I know we’re not put on this earth to have fun, but sometimes I wish I could have more of it. I’m plodding through life. I go to work and I go grocery shopping. I get gas and take my car to the shop. Occasionally, I see my father. I work to pay the bills. I work OT to pay the bills. I work to put gas in the car so I can get to work. I come home, play Facebook games and read about other people’s lives on Livejournal and their blogs. I request blinkies and such because they can actually make me smile. On the weekends I spend most of my time reading which is the same as hiding from my life. *shrug* Why wouldn’t I want to? The people around are either busy or don’t talk to me. Goodness, if I didn’t have work related questions I could the entire day from the moment I leave the house until the minute I wake up the next morning and go downstairs without talking to anyone. And I’m not exaggerating. I talk more on weekends to my Mom, which is good. That wasn’t the case in the last week, but I’m not sure in that case it was worth it. I ended up more aggravated, but that was due to the person I was talking to. And even then it was only after work. I guess I’m too picky.
Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore. Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard. Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave. I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long. Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy. The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful. It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!). But still – Jim was my last single RL friend. Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant. *shrug* She’ll find someone. She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom. I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more. It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end. I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.
I’m not normal. Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird. I love to read sci fi and fantasy. I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS. I hate the majority of the reality TV shows. I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game. I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games. I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother. I don’t know how to do small talk. I’m not comfortable in large groups. Okay, certain types of large groups. Baseball games yes, parties no. I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it. It tends to lose something when you have to explain it. I have a schedule that most people don’t follow. I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.). I like spice scented and apple scented candles. It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty. I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish. I do wish. But I don’t see it happening. Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared. The last two I thought were serious. I ended up with nothing at the end of both. In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship. Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on. The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state. Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified. Not to mention that dating is too expensive. Don’t try to tell me it isn’t. I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.
So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will. I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change. I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me. I’m not going to beg. Fear will keep me from large groups. Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal. Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.
-- Weather When Posted --
- Temperature: 64°F;
- Humidity: 72%;
- Heat Index: 64°F;
- Wind Chill: 64°F;
- Pressure: 30.18 in.;
