Archive for the 'Weekends' Category

Can I just say I’m scared?

Can I just say that I’m scared?  Life has sucked recently.  Tom was hit by a car on Saturday night. So far he’s lost almost an entire week’s of work.  His knee and shoulder are injured. I found out today that tomorrow he’s being sent for a MRI of his knee and won’t be able to go back until after we get the results from the doctor.  She didn’t like how his knee sounded.  So my prediction is, if there’s nothing wrong with the knee, is that the earliest he can go back is Thursday and the earliest he can get a load is Friday.  *sigh* Without tom working we start running out of money fairly quickly, especially at this point since he hasn’t been keeping up with his payments to me for various reasons.  So yeah, we’re low on money.  Due to this I’ve signed up for 14.5 hours of OT (time and a half and double time) this weekend.  Plus the 1.5 to 2 hours I’ve already done this week.  It’ll be hell, I think, but it needs to be done.  I’ve already gone through once and figured out what bills aren’t going to be paid this month and it looks like I’ll have to search for some hard numbers to figure it at this point.  I don’t know how long I’ll have to work crazy OT, but it could be a while.  Unless, of course, some untoward things happen tomorrow.

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  • Humidity: 31%;
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  • Wind Chill: 47°F;
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I just thought I might…

Tom was hit by a car Saturday night while walking around the complex.  He hurt his shoulder and his knee and is out from work until at least Thursday.  I thought that since he was trapped home and couldn’t work that I might get to spend some time with him even though I have to work.  The only think I can say is that I get to see him.  I can’t find my bluetooth at the moment so I can’t talk to him while I’m driving.  So I talked to him on all of my breaks yesterday.  After my 11 pm break he went to sleep.  It’s 11:39 am and he’s still sleeping.  I went grocery shopping last night and got him a bunch of stuff – clothes (his only fitting pair of jeans had to be cut due to the accident), food, flowers, Bengay, and cherry Crush.  He doesn’t even know it because he’s not awake.  He’s sleeping on the couch in the living room and didn’t wake when I brought groceries in, did dishes, and made myself something to eat.  I almost completely cleaned my room Sunday night and he didn’t even comment on it.  I felt so horrible yesterday and I still went to get him things at the store.  I was literally shaking when I got home and I had no help.  I know he’s hurt and that he needs to sleep in order to heal, but you know what?  I still resent it.  I was exhausted yesterday and had to work for 10+ hours.  I was shaking, feeling nauseated, having hot flashes, had back pain, etc.  I had to remind him to take the pain medication.  I’m trying to figure out how to afford everything and what to pay and not pay.  After I finish this I’m going to get dressed, eat breakfast, make lunch, call work and let them know I’m coming in early, and go to work to do some OT.  I have to cancel getting my car repaired on Friday.  I’m finishing up going through withdrawal and I’m just waiting for the back and abdominal cramps to start.  Not to mention the blood.  I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m hurting.  I know I hurt him on Sunday.  My emotions were out of control and things were going straight from my brain out my mouth.  I found out this weekend that not only has he been patronizing me, he’s also been lying to me.  He keeps telling me that it’s okay and that we’ll get through my medication trial and error and not to worry about cleaning if I just couldn’t do it.  On Friday (or was it Saturday?) he blew up about the fact that I hadn’t been cleaning things (which is incredibly hard to do when you’re depressed because you don’t give a shit about yourself, let alone the kitchen) and told me that I was a different person every weekend and he was sick of it.  If I’m a different person all the time, how can he know whether or not he loves me?  You can’t love someone if you don’t know who they are.  And will he love me when I’m finally through this?  I don’t know who I’ll be.  I’m not the co-dependent person I was when we met.  I wasn’t strong then and I depended on him for a whole lot.  I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again.  How am I supposed to know if he really loves me?  How am I supposed to know if he’ll love me a month from now?  I don’t know how to handle it all.  I’m scared and I’m alone.  I’m jealous of my friends who have people in their lives to talk to and do things with.  I don’t know where to go from here.  (He did get up at some point – the Bengay is open.)  I’m alone even when I’m with someone.  Sometimes I think I’ll always be alone.

  

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  • Humidity: 51%;
  • Heat Index: 48°F;
  • Wind Chill: 46°F;
  • Pressure: 30.09 in.;

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I guess it’s time I address this

I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

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  • Temperature: 62°F;
  • Humidity: 89%;
  • Heat Index: 62°F;
  • Wind Chill: 62°F;
  • Pressure: 30.19 in.;

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An update

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk. :)

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

  

-- Weather When Posted --

  • Temperature: 80°F;
  • Humidity: 69%;
  • Heat Index: 83°F;
  • Wind Chill: 80°F;
  • Pressure: 29.93 in.;

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I have been asked if I’m okay

The answer is yes. I think. It’s been busy around here. I’ve been working, but not working OT. I did get my bonus which means we’ll be able to pay rent this month. All my bills are paid for June and though July is started, I have to pay some more. I did see my finish my physical therapy. Yes, I’m finally done with the neck tortue. I start therapy next week. This is good, I think. I saw my phychiatrist and she yelled at me, of course. She wouldn’t let me stop the risperidol, which is what I want to do. I was told that after two to three months symptoms come back. It’s been three months, though, and my symptoms are pretty much not here. Read the rest of this entry »

  

-- Weather When Posted --

  • Temperature: 62°F;
  • Humidity: 88%;
  • Heat Index: 62°F;
  • Wind Chill: 62°F;
  • Pressure: 30.01 in.;

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A day of work and Tom

I worked today and Tom is home. That’s difficult to deal with. I want to be home with him. *sigh* And I work tomorrow. And I do OT on Sunday. *sigh* I really do need to do OT because a) we need the money and b) I never know if VTO is going to come up. It’s a lot easier taking VTO when I have the hours to cover it.

Tom made a candlelight dinner tonight. He’s so good to me. We had chicken and buttered noodles. Then we walked to Rita’s for some Italian ice. I had custard and it was good. He had a wild cherry gelato which he liked. It looks like I may have some form of exercise induced asthma. I certainly hope not. But when I exhale when I’m breathing heavily it feels like my throat is closing up. *sigh*

Sunday we’re going to go see Clayton. I know Tom really wanted to see him and when I suggested he call Ian and see if we could come up, he went for it. So we’re going to call when we leave on Sunday. Tom’s going to drive me to work so we’ll leave right from there. He’s also driving me to work tomorrow so we can go to church. I’m always feeling too tired to drive after getting up so early. He can go home and rest.

I have to go. I want to watch the Pens game. We’re winning at the moment. I can only hope it continues. I can’t stay up for the whole game. I would have to work the weekend of the Stanley Cup finals. Go Pens!

  
Feeling : excited

-- Weather When Posted --

  • Temperature: 68°F;
  • Humidity: 75%;
  • Heat Index: 68°F;
  • Wind Chill: 68°F;
  • Pressure: 29.91 in.;

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Beddy Bye time

I’ve been up since 330 am and boy am I tired! I just had to sneak in a post before I go to bed. I’m not sure what to write. I’m not completely sure as to what I’m doing tomorrow. I know I’m working from 7-1, but after that I don’t know. There are tentative plans to gather at Charissa’s but I haven’t heard anything concrete. I should ask. I just took a bath and finished a book. There’s nothing like a nice hot bath and a book. Now I’m talking to Tom. I’ve just taken my pills, including the muscle relaxer. I swear between that and the anti inflammatory I’m feeling tons better. Even when the anti inflammatory wears off in the morning it still hurts much, much less than it was hurting. I’m so happy about that. You just have no idea. I have another book to start, but I’m think I just might wait till tomorrow to do that. I’m not sure. I’m not really sure about working tomorrow, though six hours of OT would be a great blessing. I just hope God can get me through it. I’m also hoping to get some laundry done. I tried to do it on Thursday, but the washer was full. Not being used, but full. *sigh* I’m hoping it won’t be full the next time I go to use it. I don’t know if it will be or not. That’s the annoying thing about being in a building with only one washer and one dryer.

  

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  • Temperature: 68°F;
  • Humidity: 34%;
  • Heat Index: 68°F;
  • Wind Chill: 68°F;
  • Pressure: 29.8 in.;

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Baby steps

I have always believed in God and Jesus. I have always believed that He loves me and cares for me. Recently, that belief has been stretched and even broken. I know He came to save us and that he redeemed us. I’ve just been going through a time when I haven’t been able to trust Him.
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  • Temperature: 74°F;
  • Humidity: 51%;
  • Heat Index: 77°F;
  • Wind Chill: 74°F;
  • Pressure: 30.04 in.;

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Tom is home! Tom is home!

Tom wasn’t going to get any freight this weekend so he came home. Yippee! I went straight (okay, almost straight. I stopped to eat) from work to pick him up in Columbus. We didn’t get home till after 2 am, though we did stop to share a scallop dinner (yum!). He stayed up all night cleaning the apartment – the yucky stuff I didn’t want to do like the refrigerator, toilet, bathtub, carpets (kitty puke yay – not!), and the ucky chicken pans I didn’t do on Thursday. He also took all of the trash out. :D And cleaned the rest of the bathroom as well. Does a guy get much better than that? He came to bed at that point (he did all of that while I was sleeping – I told you he was awesome!) and we slept for most of the morning. He’s now dealing with the gas shut off notice we got from Equitable last night. Since we’re not responsible for paying the gas bill according to the lease, I didn’t think we should have gotten the notice. We’re also going to go to Seeds of Hope tonight (especially since Ian and Megan will be there – yay!), though he does need to get some more sleep before doing that. I also need to get a copy of his SS card and driver’s license so we can send away for his DAC report (commercial driving report) to see how long we have to wait until we can find him another job. I’m hopeful; he’s not. I think the plan is to see our mothers tomorrow and he’ll be heading back on a bus on Monday. That will be sad, but its been wonderful having him home! His next scheduled home time isn’t till June or July so it’s nice to get the chance to see him. :D Needless to say, I did not go in for OT today. Yay! I really didn’t want to go. LOL. I hope you guys are having as great of a time as we are. :D

  

-- Weather When Posted --

  • Temperature: 71°F;
  • Humidity: 63%;
  • Heat Index: 75°F;
  • Wind Chill: 71°F;
  • Pressure: 29.68 in.;

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My day from hell

I’ve had a couple people ask me what happened today and its not just one thing. Its been a day long event. Here we go!

I got up a half hour early due to a closed bridge on my route. I was so happy. Its amazing how things can change. I walked out my door and closed it not stopping in enough time to keep it from closing. Why did I need to keep the door from closing you ask? Well, the door was locked and my keys were still inside. Its now 430 in the morning and my day was just beginning.

Remembering that Tom had told me that it was “easy” to break into our apartment, I tried. With his help and without his help. All I got was a damaged card and some blisters. Oh, and all hot and sweaty. Really sweaty. He said call you mom; she has a key to your car and you can still go into work. I’d be late and half to leave early to get back in the aparment to keep from paying $200+ to get back in. So I call Mom, get her out of bed and she heads up here. We’re having a horrible time staying connected. But she comes.

We knew it was going to set the car alarm off, but having been assured that yes the car would start we went for it. Well, the alarm did go off but the car did not start. *sigh* At this point Mom and I head for McDonald’s to get something to eat. We stay there till 745. Mom says JC Penny’s is opening early so we head over there so she can show me the dress she likes. Its not open. So we go shopping. And finally head over to the office to get the door unlocked.

Mr Maintenance Man had to come from his house so it looked like I was going to have to stay even longer. Luckily I got my first break of the day. One of the nice ladies who work in the office goes over to my apartment with me and lets me in. Mom gets her cup and I head for work.

I made it to work okay, but then the trouble started up again. They had me crossed off the list. I had called and told them I was going to be late and possibly not be there at all but that I was going to try to make it in. I go to the seat that they have to be in and someone’s sitting there. There is an open seat, but there’s no chair. I steal a chair and log in. I should mention at this point that I’m in one of the new dual stations and unlike everybody else the never trained me to use it. But the girls next to me said they would help. I log in and try to get into Enterprise. It won’t let me. I try again. Still no luck. They say shut down and restart so I do. The say what are you going into. I say Citrix and they say no, you have to go into alpha gateway. *sigh* So I go in there and it lets me in. However it is running like frozen mollasses. So I restart. Again. Still running slow.

I go back to the lead, Greg, and tell him my problem. He says to go to G9. I log out and grab all my stuff (jacket, purse, lunchbox, backpack, and cup) and head there. I log in and the computer won’t let me in on either side (I was in a multiple station which has two computers). I go back to Greg and he says let me see. He then says go to A. I log out and grab a seat over there. He’s still with me and I try to log in to both sides of the A station (it was a multiple, too). One side I have no luck, the other side I hit paydirt. He says stay in singles and try again in about 15 minutes and leaves me be. I go and sign the board because its taken over 20 minutes to get to a point where I can actually work. This gets my punch changed and prevents my numbers from dropping. I start working. I try the other side – no luck. I wait and try again. Yay! It works! So I punch into multiples and start working. I get one done and look! Its time for lunch.

I go to lunch and find out Gerry’s was fired yesterday, just like I had thought. Becky, Stacey, and Maryanne all know that their probation is being extended. I haven’t heard a thing about mine. Lovely, more to worry about all weekend. We hear that the schedules been changed and head over to check it out.

My seat (B33) is now highlighted and it says to go into Tampa. So I log out of the A station, grab all my stuff (again) and head for B33. I log in there and we’re talking. In the meeting yesterday they had said specifically that if you’re in a new dual station stay in it all day. So Becky goes and asks the supervisor on duty and he says no. Go into Tampa. We then realize that the stations we’re working in won’t go into Tampa. Another girl went and asked and we’re told to go to A or G. So I log out and grab all my stuff and head back to my A station. I log in and another break. They both work. So I head back to the board to log my problems and have my punches corrected again. I work.

I develop a really sore knee, a headache, tension pain in my neck and shourlders. By the end of the day I feel tired and kinda cryey. I decided that this would not be good for me to go to the party with. *sigh* I really wanted to go to the party. My friends already think that a) I’m flakey and B) I can’t be counted on and I don’t want to perpetuate that. But I’m basically done in. I also had told the SCK that there was a good chance that I wouldn’t be there due to the fact that I have to get up at 3 in the morning. That’s right – 3 am. I haven’t been able to get a hold of Tom all day (and I’ve tried three times). He did call me while I was working but I couldn’t answer then. He finally calls and I go home.

Nope, it doesn’t stop there. I get home and go to make macaroni and cheese with hot dog in it. I reach down to pull out the drawer beneath the oven which has all the pots and pans. It won’t open. I get down on the floor (with the sore knee, tension in the neck and shoulders and painful back), practically pull the door front off and can’t figure out why it won’t open. I push it in a little and pull back – voila! It opens. *sigh*

I finish eating. The whole time I’ve been having connection problems with Tom. Then I get diarrhea. I try to take a nap, but it doesn’t work. Tom wakes me (apparently I did fall asleep) and I go to take my pills. I get them out, pick them up, and realize I don’t have anything to drink. I grab it, come out to the living room, grab my computer, and sit down. Firefox crashes. Digsby crashes. I get them both restarted and the connection isn’t very good. Most of the FF pages won’t load and Digsby won’t connect. They finally do start working and that brings me to this point.

That is my bad day, but there were some bright points. I got to spend time with Mom. I got to get some groceries. I found out what happened to Gerry. I got to lie down in my bed. Most importantly – I panicked for 15 seconds or less and that was it. True, I did cry a tiny bit after work, but nothing like my depression and anxiety normally would have had me doing. Being off those pills is awesome! Sometimes I think that God does things like this to me so I know how much I can handle. Thank God.

  
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