Today didn’t go so well. Mom had a visitor so I ended up staying upstairs longer than I wanted to. When he was finally gone I went downstairs, but my sugar was really low. Mom was worried and took my sugar with her glucometer and it was 79. That’s the lowest my sugar’s been that I know of. So I had some juice and a small piece of cheesecake. Once I was done with my shower I felt much better…except that my stomach isn’t a big fan of a lot of juice so it ended up quite upset. We skipped going to dinner, went grocery shopping, and came home to watch the CMA Music Festival on GAC. I stayed downstairs with them for a couple hours. I had some Italian bread which helped to calm my stomach. I came upstairs and fixed (hopefully!) my stink bug problem. Mom found some weather stripping and I stuffed into the gap. I did have to vacuum up some stink bugs first. I was going to bake a cake, but I’m not feeling well so it’s not going to happen. I did make some shells in the Pasta Boat. Unfortunately, the lid came off and the first batch ended up in the sink so I had to make a second batch. *sigh*
Tomorrow is the Steelers vs the Browns with Big Ben back in the lineup. It’s also the day we’re going to try out the crock pot and make some pot roast. We got the ingredients tonight since we’ll have to start it early. I’m hoping to get the cake done as well. Since grocery shopping is done all I have to do is vacuuming and laundry. I guess I should do some other cleaning as well. That was the weekend so far. And I have a blog post! Good night!

Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore.  Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard.  Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave.  I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long.  Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy.   The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful.  It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!).  But still – Jim was my last single RL friend.  Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant.  *shrug*  She’ll find someone.  She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom.  I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more.  It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end.  I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.

I’m not normal.  Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird.  I love to read sci fi and fantasy.  I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS.  I hate the majority of the reality TV shows.  I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game.  I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games.  I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m not comfortable in large groups.  Okay, certain types  of large groups.  Baseball games yes, parties no.  I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it.  It tends to lose something when you have to explain it.  I have a schedule that most people don’t follow.  I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.).  I like spice scented and apple scented candles.  It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty.  I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish.  I do wish.  But I don’t see it happening.  Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared.  The last two I thought were serious.  I ended up with nothing at the end of both.  In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on.  The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state.  Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified.  Not to mention that dating is too expensive.  Don’t try to tell me it isn’t.  I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.

So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will.  I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change.  I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me.  I’m not going to beg.  Fear will keep me from large groups.  Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal.  Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.

Then my pcp’s office calls and tells me that the appointment I made in June needs to be cancelled because the doctor won’t be in the day of my appointment in less than 2 weeks.  So I had to change that one to the week of my vacation, too.  Great – the big plans for my vacation are two appointments that I don’t really want to go to.   Also, my check engine light came on.  Dad checked the computer code and it looks like it’s the same O2 sensor I replaced in July for $300 for my inspection.  It was less than 2 months so if it is the same one it will be warrantied – I hope.  If not then I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Of course, in July it took 3 consecutive weekends to get it taken care of.  It could be very expensive.  Also, one of the contacts in my last pair is mis shaped and gives me a headache and one blurry eye if I wear it.  So I’m back to wearing my 3+ year old glasses until I order new ones.  When I order depends on how much the car repair costs.  I was also hoping to get my glasses replaced on my vacation so I don’t know if that’s going to happen if I can’t get the contacts this weekend. *sigh* I just don’t know.

That, of course, is not the weird part.  The first weekend I went to my 2 friend’s daughter’s 1st birthday party where the only people I knew were the parents.  I ended up sitting with the father’s mother and aunt who decided that I needed to be hooked up with her brother/brother in law?  I’m really not sure what he was, but he was a contemporary of her, not my friends.  He’s old enough to be my father.  I did give a reason why it wouldn’t work (and a valid one).  I also barely spoke to him and flat out refused to take a walk with him.  At the end of the party he gave me his phone number and said he really liked my eyes.  I freaked and got out of there ASAP.  Since that was the 4th guy I’ve had hit on me in 10 years, I wasn’t used to that type of situation and wasn’t handling it well.  I put it out of my mind and moved on.

The next weekend I attended the wedding of 2 friends of mine and ended up with at the table with a guy I haven’t seen in years.  He gave me his phone number later that night.  I was in shock.  5 guys interested in 10 years and 2 of them in the same month in consecutive weekends?  What are the odds?  After talking to him for a few days I’ve decided I’m not going there either.  Not only do I not want to date anyone right now, it’s also not a situation I want to be in.  *shrug*

This is weekend number 3 of the month and I’m a little nervous.  I really hope it passes with no one giving me their phone number.

by livejournal use tv_fan_girl

I know part of it depends on what you have in common with someone.  That’s a big problem for me that I’m really not sure how to change.  I don’t have a whole lot in common with the people in my life right now.  Most of them are married with (young) children.  The others are in a relationship or have children.  I read a lot.  I probably spend a lot of my free time reading.  Some of that has to do with the fact that I don’t have much to do outside of the house.  I also have unusual reading choices, at least in my circle.  I enjoy sci fi, fantasy, and romances.  I do like watching football and hockey and going to baseball games, but that seems to be hard to plan.  Another problem is my hours.  My life rarely includes mornings.  I work until either 12:30 am or 2:30 am and I try to avoid varying that on the weekends.  It just makes my life easier.  I don’t go to church on Sundays.  I usually sleep till about 1 pm on the weekends which cuts out morning services.  Not to mention that I have a hard time fitting in at churches on my own.  Sometimes friendships grow because of the people you live around.  I live in a neighborhood of retirees and senior citizens.  Sometimes friendship grow at work.  The people on my shift who I work with do not talk to me.  I only talk to leads and supervisors and only when I have questions.  Sometimes I go to people who know about the protocol I’m working in if the lead doesn’t know.  I’m completely isolated there.  I spend more time talking to the van drivers who I see for less than 10 minutes a day.  *shrug*  Not much I can do about that.

A lot of the problem, however, is me.  I’ve spent most of my life on the outskirts, not fitting in.  It didn’t start by choice, but it lasted throughout my public school career.  It got better in high school, but my choices were rarely the popular ones.  I’ve always been grateful that I have always enjoyed learning and excelled at it as well.  Although that was, in some instances, was the problem.  I’m quiet.  I shy.  I’m not terribly fond of large groups of people. I don’t know how to break into groups.  I don’t tend to interrupt people.  I will wait and if the conversation turns so that what I have to say is no longer relevant, I don’t say it.  I don’t invite myself places and I don’t feel comfortable just dropping by to see someone.

Of course, I couldn’t fairly go through my thoughts on friendship without bringing up the depression.  I’ve noticed that these days my depression makes me feel even more isolated, unloved, and unwanted.  It’s incredibly hard to impossible for me to set up plans.  I just give up.  It can make me an erratic friend.  I’ve had people tell me that they can’t handle being around me.  We’ve talked and worked through things, but I’d be lying if I said that it hadn’t scarred me.  For one thing it’s made me even more cautious with what I tell people.  I don’t believe that people will listen when I’m negatively emotional so the closer to sadness it is, the less I talk about it.  I might post about it, but people won’t comment.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to people starting conversations with me online and just disappearing whether it be by going offline, saying that they need to leave for a minute and never come back, or just stop talking altogether.  It’s frustrating.  But people are busy.  So I get used to it and accept it.

I don’t know how I would need to change or if changing would make a difference.  I don’t really want the things the people I know have.  There are some aspects, of course, that I envy, but I wouldn’t want to be any of them.  I tend to think I’m destined or meant to be alone.  *shrug*

Sig by livejournal user phyncke by xpixie_palacex

I don’t normally have problems with the power company.  We don’t have many outages and the ones we do have don’t usually last long.  I’m not counting the outages during the great snow storms of February 2010, though.  That’s nowhere near normal for us.  Not to mention that I was only without power for about an hour, though I was without heat for much longer.  But that was Leland Pointe’s fault.  I digress.  I’m not too happy that rates will be going up soon, but I can live with it.

So why, you wonder, am I upset?  (And yes, I’m upset.  I’ve been fuming, panicking, and grumbling off and on, though rarely all at the same time.)  Duquesne Light has decided that they are going to upgrade the power system in Cantebury Commons.  Great! Wonderful for Cantebury Commons people.  Well, except for those who are furious that they will now have boxes in their yards.  They are also going to do some upgrading to Castlewood.  Wonderful! Why am I upset?  Because not only will I be without power during the day between the hours of 8:00 am and 4:30 pm M-R next week (though they said at the meeting that they would probably not shut the power off till Tuesday or Wednesday since they had to bring all the equipment in and junk), the power will be on and off intermittently for the next 6 weeks.   Yes, you read that right. 6 freaking weeks.

Mom went to the meeting they held on Tuesday and found out several things.  The representative (who retired from DL and now consults for them) said that the cables and equipment were 30 to 40 years old.  Um…we moved in in 2001 and Castlewood (the plan I live in) was only about 5 years old, if that, at that time.  So that makes our plan 14 years old.  Cantebury is that old, but now us.  The issue is that Castlewood is behind Cantebury.  You have to go through Cantebury to get to Castlewood.  So all the power goes through Cantebury to get to Castelwood.  So the entire time they will be working on the main part of the project (Cantebury) we (Castlewood) will have power interruptions.  It will take six weeks or so to get through it all.  They need to put three types of boxes in.  Castlewood has 2 of the 3 in spots around the neighborhood already.  All we need is the mini coffin one (the reps description, not mine).  Cantebury has no boxes – they all have underground sewer-type access.  As they progress through Cantebury the people there will stop having power outages.  The people closest to the beginning will be out the shortest amount of time.  Those of us who are practically up to date will be with power the most amount of time.

Did I mention that they didn’t bother to check the demographics of the people living in these plans?  Cantebury is younger people and middle-aged people.  Castlewood, however, is a patio home community.  The majority of the residents are retirees.  The didn’t have enough room at their meeting because they didn’t expect anyone to show up since the outages would basically be during work hours.  He said that, looked at the group there, then made the remark that they hadn’t bothered to check the demographics.  *sigh*  Now that he’s seen the people at the meeting they will definitely bring a cooling trailer in for next week.   He also said to duct tape the fridge closed so no one opens it.  Yup, duct tape.  To people over 65.  Yeah, I could an 80 year-old grandmother getting out the duct tape for that.  *rolls eyes* Mom’s going to have to unhook the electric garage opener to make it manual.  The family who has someone who needs oxygen will get a generator that will run the oxygen and the fridge.

So why won’t I be around?  Because I will be staying at my father’s house and I’m not sure how I will be able to use the internet.  He has it, but I’m not sure how I would hook it up and all that.  You see, I get up at 10:49 am.  I live upstairs in the loft on the side of the house that faces the sun in the morning.  On an afternoon when the sun was on the other side of the house and was going down, the loft went from 73 degrees to 80 degrees in less than 2 hours with the air off.  The windows do have black out drapes and yes, I have 2 windows.  However, the windows are in dormers which do not provide much air circulation.  You need a fan for that and with no power I have no fan.  Also, I will have no lights to see by.  I will not have an alarm clock to wake me up.  No hot water for my shower, not to mention that the bathrooms (both of them) are in the inside of the house with no windows.  Hard to do hair, brush teeth, put contacts in without being able to see.  I do salads for my lunch with an apple.  I would have to open the fridge to get it (I put ham on my salad for some protein.) I normally make a hot dog in the microwave and eat it as I drive out of the plan. I can do almost none of that with no power!  So I’m removing to my father’s and Kathy’s for the week.

Did I mention that they don’t work on F, S or S?  And that they can’t leave until the power goes on each day no matter how late it takes (though it should never be later than 8 pm)?  And that we should unplug everything so they don’t get fried in power surges when the power goes back on each night?

See, the first week isn’t that difficult.  I’m just going to Dad’s where there will be power even if there’s no a/c.  But at least I’ll be able to use a fan or 2!   The difficult part (for me) is the next 5 weeks.  There is no set schedule as to when the power will be out.  We can call after 5 pm to find out who the power will be out for the next day and when.  Isn’t that nice of them?  Of course, some nights I don’t get home until after 3 am which doesn’t give me much time to figure out what  the hell I’m going to do if they decide to shut the power off between 10:45 am and 12:25 pm.  And since I live in Castlewood, that could happen often.  But only on M-R!  Of course, I only work M-R and I have no time to take off until my vacation at the end of September (which is 7 weeks away, of course) and no time to take off after that until December!  If I did, I would have stayed home sick on Monday! I’m sorry, I have 5 hours.  That’s half a day.   It’s not going to go very far over 5 weeks.  Not  to mention that until I get to the last hour, I have to to take it in 2 hour increments.   So I can use it three times.  *sigh*  I wish I could move somewhere until the end of September.  It would make life so much easier.  Although I would miss Mom, Jack, Gracie, and especially my baby Kit Kit.  Who for some reason feels the need to try and cover his water dish.  I don’t know why, but I was just watching him paw the carpet and table shelf around his water bowl.  And no, I can’t just run over to Dad’s and take a shower on those days after the first week.  He lives 45 minutes or so away from Mom!  Argh!

But if you don’t see me next week, that’s why.  Stupid power company and their stupid upgrades and not upgrading Cantebury when they extended the lines to build Castlewood.

Friday was rough.  I moved stuff over to Mom’s.  I left the apartment at around 4:30 pm.  I returned around 8 and got Tom to go and change the phone plans.  I did not go into the apartment.  After changing the phone plans we return.  I walked in and found the lights on.  I got angry.  No one was home so there was no reason for the lights to be on.  I went straight into the bedroom without looking around.  I don’t know why, but I wasn’t feeling very good and I was tired.  Tom said he was going out several hours later and asked me if there was anything I wanted him to do.  I didn’t get up and look.  I was working on the computer.  I said no.  I still had stuff I wanted to do and I planned to get up around midnight and spend an hour to an hour and a half cleaning and packing before I went to sleep.  When I did that Tom was not there.  The living room was a mess.  All of the things which I had not packed for him before he got home were lying around the room.  So I had to pick all of that up.  I put it on the couch.  I was furious.  I could not believe that he went out without finishing his own packing.  He had about 5 hours to do it in and there’s no way it would have taken that long.  he came home while I was doing it.  He yelled at me, telling me it was my fault because I hadn’t told him to pack his stuff.  He also said that it didn’t matter since my dad’s fiance had just said anything that wasn’t packed wasn’t going.  Excuse me, but we had to go through the living room to move stuff and move items that were covered with his stuff.  He didn’t get home until after 1 am and we had to be up early in the morning to get the truck.  Also, I didn’t know I was supposed to tell him to pack his own stuff.  I didn’t realize that it wouldn’t be obvious that the rooms and furniture had to be clear in order to do the move.  I didn’t realize that I had to tell him to do it before he left to go out and have fun.  I didn’t go and one of the reasons I told him that I couldn’t go was that I still had packing left to do.  I didn’t know I had to be his mother.

Saturday was worse.  I set my alarm late because I was so upset the night before that I messed up.  If I hadn’t called Mom we would have been late.  The guy I picked the truck up from told me I could change the drop off, but when I called she said I couldn’t since I had the truck.  Tom and I argued and he told me that if I didn’t stop yelling then he would not help with the move.  I was falling apart and had been since we had gotten the truck.  I was crying.  I told him I didn’t have a lot of control.  I cried for at least two solid hours then I finally took half a xanax.  It took about another half hour but I finally stopped crying.  I was carrying stuff out to cars when I could, but after taking the medicine I was unsteady and the fact that due to an argument with Tom I could not finish the hot dog I tried to eat for breakfast.  I was shaking and exhausted, but I kept going.  I got food for everyone who wanted it because I knew I needed to eat.  The Maracuja called when we were finishing up.  Upon finding out we were finished she offered to come over and help clean. I told her I’d call her when I got over there.  I got Tom in New Brighton and as we’re driving close to Ambridge he asks me to drop him off so he can get pizza.  Instead of going back to help me clean, he decided he wanted to get pizza.  I was completely pissed off at that point.  I left him there and went back to the apartment.  I called the Maracuja, but didn’t get her.  I left a message and started cleaning.  I cleaned the bathroom completely, I vacuumed the entire place, and started sweeping.  The Maracuja called and came over.  She helped me finish up cleaning, took me over to ENP for dinner (for which I will be eternally grateful), listened to me whine and complain (another thing for which I will be eternally grateful), and helped me finish getting stuff out to the car.  I left my key and never went back.

The next day I had was all over achy and had a fever.   Luckily, I was on vacation for the week.  I have felt horrible all week.  I’ve had cramps, especially today.  Dad worked on my car and fixed the rotors and brake pads.  I need to make an appointment for an inspection.  I went to sleep yesterday at after 5 am. I woke up in agony at just after 7 am.  I took pain killers, got Mom’s heating pad to use with mine (I had extreme pain in both front and back), and I have no idea how long it took me to finally get back to sleep.  I don’t even know when I woke up.  I had to unplug my clock to plug in the other heating pad.  When I went downstairs I discovered it was almost 4 pm.  I was in pain on and off for the rest of the day.  Still am.

There’s one more thing else that bothers me.  I have a friend who said she was planning on doing the zoo on Saturday morning.  I was thinking  of going despite the fact that it was in the morning because she’s one of my favorite people.  She decided to change it to the children’s museum.  She said she’d email me her schedule so we could make plans.  That was Monday or Tuesday.  I didn’t hear from here and it was Wednesday.  I saw her making plans with at least one other person.  I messaged her and asked if she was going to send me her schedule or if she just wanted to forget it.  She said no, that she’d send her schedule that night.  That was Wednesday.  I still haven’t received it from her.  I commented on one of her statuses and she commented back saying that she loved me for many reasons.  I have a hard time believing it.  I still haven’t heard from her. Except for that comment.

What’s wrong with me?

I have already been feeling like there’s something wrong with me. People at work do not talk to me. Not unless they have to. When I was in training, the other two trainees ignored me. Only the leads and supervisors talk to me most days. Sometimes people nod at me or will say hi as they pass me in the hall way. The van drivers talk to me more than my co-workers. I spend usually less than 15 minutes with them. I keep wondering why they don’t like me. I wonder why I’m beneath their notice.
It doesn’t stop there. My friends. My RL friends rarely talk with me. I’m on Facebook with many of them. It’s rare that they respond to anything I say. I comment on their posts and they’re basically ignored. I try to talk with people and get ignored. I ask if things are okay and I can see that they’re online, but they don’t bother answering till the next day, often when I’m asleep or at work. I try. I try to cut back on my depressive posts. It’s hard, but I really don’t say anywhere near as much as I could. There are a lot of times when I don’t say what I think about things because I don’t want to upset them. I try to interact. I was making plans. I did last weekend. I went to F Cubed. That’s hard for me considering the spiritual and emotional place I’m in right now. I expect them all to be angry with me for what I did to Tom. Especially after my appointment only two days earlier. I don’t know that they’re not. Whether or not it’s necessarily factual, I *know* I’m less important than he is. I *know* I’m less important than everyone. I *know* I don’t matter. Emotions aren’t rational. I want to be there for people, but I’m not good enough. I’m only good enough when there’s absolutely no one else.

It’s hard. My jaw hurts most of the day every day. It’s extremely hard to eat and last night it made it extremely difficult to sleep. That constant pain can be difficult. It’s draining. Only reading and listening to my audiobooks seem to block it. I also had bouts of nausea on Thursday. I’m going to have to work next Friday. That’s depressing. At least my shift doesn’t normally work on Fridays and those that do tend to work in the morning. Why, I don’t know. Of course, they don’t normally work till 230 the same morning. *shrug* I’m wearing myself out and I know it. I know I’m pulling in. I can feel it. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know that it matters that I do. I just keep asking myself and God what’s wrong with me?

My stomach’s not happy.  Since Wednesday I’ve been having on and off nausea, normally accompanied by sweating.  I was so sick when I got home from work Wednesday night that I just went to sleep.  I took Zofran to get through Thursday but I was still sick when I got home.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep.  I was starving.  I ate a hot dog (something which actually did not turn my stomach, strangely enough), but I was still starving and had a very hard time going to sleep.  I had to go to therapy today and went grocery shopping.  I was able to eat a hot dog this morning, but not the donut I tried.  Even now, I’m fighting it.  And of course, I was so depressed after therapy that I went and had lunch at Long John Silvers.  Not something my digestive system tolerates very well now that I do not have a gall bladder.  I didn’t go out to see people, even though I wanted to.  I don’t know that I’ll go see Mom tomorrow and F Cubed…well, I just don’t know about that.  It’s more than sickness that would keep me away.

Therapy was hard.  We talked about me having to take breaks on time at work.  Someone spoke to my supervisor about me specifically so I have to now.  I don’t know why.  No one wants me around there.  Other people take their breaks at off times.  But I’m not allowed to.  People don’t talk to me, and I don’t think they ever will.  Luckily, for the most part, I can do my job with no assistance.  If I have a problem I go to a lead or a supervisor.  Or I throw the order back so I don’t have to approach anyone else.  No one says hi to me or good morning.  The van drivers talk to me more than my co-workers and I see them for approximately 5 minutes a day.  One person congratulated me on getting my yellow belt.  One.  And that’s only because she was walking by after the presentation.  It hurts.  I’ve been spending over 50 hours a week in that building, though it’s been a little less than that in the past two weeks, and no one talks to me unless they absolutely have to.  It hurts.  The few people I did talk to no longer sit with me.

My heart hurts.  People tend to only contact me when they want something.  Even my parents.  Mom called me at work last week because she needed me to figure out how she had to send her resume to someone on the computer while I was on my 15 minute break.   On a computer that I couldn’t see, on a web page that I was not familiar with.  Dad called me today because both of their cars are out of commission and they wanted me to take them to a book sale.  And get my step sister on the way over there.  Raz called tonight because the Maracuja was concerned when I didn’t show up for the presentation tonight.  I appreciate that.  I do.  I really wish I hadn’t been too sick to go.  It was on an interesting subject and I could have seen Mocha and Mango as well.  I know, I know! I expect too much.  I’m not a very good friend.  I talk about myself too much (although considering that this is *my* blog, I feel okay doing it here).  I have to make all of the effort. I have to take the initiative.  I’ve been trying.  I’ve pestered people into seeing me.  Except for the Pens game last Saturday, I’ve driven all over the place to see people.  And yes, I know that all of my friends are busy people with lives of their own and families of their own.  So, I try to suffer in silence (except on here) and realign my thinking so that it’s more in line with reality.  I post my pains and sorrows and triumphs, and try to focus on supporting and encouraging others.  Because they are the ones who matter.

The other reason my heart hurts today is that I was told I was too rough on Tom.  That I should not have been at all irritated with him asking me questions over and over that I didn’t want him to ask because things weren’t going to change and I didn’t want to think about it while I was on my break (ie how the people at work are treating me or if they are talking to me) and that I specifically asked him not to ask me.  That he listened.  Of course his way of listening was being completely silent while I’m talking so that I start feeling stupid for saying anything or feel like I’m giving a monologue or a lecture, despite the fact that I explained it to him several times.  But he was kind, caring, and did listen so he’s not a bad person.  I never said he was a bad person. But I was too rough on him.  And apparently I’m lying to myself.  It may make me a cold-hearted bitch, but I don’t really miss Tom.  I don’t.  I’m not broken hearted about this.  But M tells me that I’m lying to myself.  Another one of her gems was that the fat lady hadn’t sung on the relationship and that there was no period at the end of it.  Um, excuse me?  You think I’m going back with someone who makes me carry all the weight for the finances, all the burden in conversations going beyond the typical how is work going, who says he loves me but does nothing to show it even when I ask, who can’t remember to do anything that I ask of him that matters to me?  But hey, I’m a bitch so what’s it matter how I feel?

So now I’m hurting all over, basically.  And wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I miss high school and college.  They sheer fact that I was constantly in the same place as people for often extended periods of time made me feel like I actually belonged.  At least from time to time.  But that’s gone now and I’m alone.  I’ll be staying that way, too.  I’ll fill my free hours with books and Facebook games, reading LJ post’s and Plurks.  Maybe I’ll start writing again.  And I’ll work on making that enough to make me happy.

I feel like I’m in a spiritual wasteland.  I don’t know which way to go – I feel paralyzed.  I feel empty.  I feel afraid.  I feel ashamed.  I want so much, probably too much.  Everything has fallen apart and I don’t know how to get it together again.  I know God needs to be an essential part of that, but I don’t feel like I know how to reach Him anymore.  I’m not sure He wants to be there.  I know He loves me, but He must be awfully disappointed.  Intellectually I know that there is forgiveness and the He’ll accept me back, but emotionally I feel like I have to do something to earn it.  I don’t know how to reconcile the two.  One step would be to go back to church, but again, I am afraid.  I have trouble with groups.  I never feel like I do or can fit in.  There are two churches I might go to – Church of the Savior (COTS) in Ambridge, PA and Seeds of Hope (Seeds) in Pittsburgh, PA.  I don’t feel comfortable at either of them.  COTS would be harder to go to since it is in the morning.  I don’t do mornings very well.  Knitting Mama and her son go there along with her niece, who was recently baptized there.  Seeds is more casual and has a greater sense of community, IMHO.  There are more people my age who are willing to talk to me, something I’ve never found at COTS.  However, I feel like an outsider.  I feel like I have black marks against me there.  Terry, for one.  Another would be that kids intimidate me and I don’t know how to deal with them.  Kids and youth are the main focus of a lot of Seeds ministries.  There’s also the fact that a lot of them, including all the ones I was close to, are paired up and many have kids.  Multiple kids, in some cases.  I don’t have a problem with kids; they just scare me.  I feel awkward around them and am not sure how to relate to them.  Those are some of the reasons why I don’t want them.   I guess I almost feel like I don’t belong because of that.  Also, I’m afraid the people at Seeds are angry at me for disappearing.  There are other reasons why I don’t exactly feel right going.  I don’t feel like I have the money to give.  I know I should trust Him and let go, but if there’s one thing that scares me most, it’s running out of money.  I also cannot be involved during the week.  Most church activities are in the evenings on weekdays.  I can’t do that.  I work in the evenings on 4 weekdays and recently for part of the 5th as well.  I know I need to breach my comfort zone and just go.

Of course, the things going on at work don’t help.  I really feel like I’m back in 5th grade when all the popular kids decided to hate me and the rest of them either joined in or avoided me to avoid their ire.  I feel like that’s what is going on at work.  People don’t talk to me, especially the people on my shift.  Some of the have been rude or passive aggressive and make me uncomfortable.  Someone, I don’t know who, but someone decided that they didn’t like the fact that I didn’t take my break with them and complained to my supervisor so now I have to.  It’s not like they want me around and I’m not hurting them.  My supervisor knew I did it and said nothing, so why should it bother them?  But no, someone wants to make me miserable.  And it is just me.  The other people who take their breaks late still do, as do the people who take their breaks early.  I just wanted some peace, some time away from them and it was taken away from me.  There is one person who will talk to me, who isn’t upset and doesn’t hate me for typing harder than the average person, but I only sit with her on Thursdays.  Thank the Lord I can just put on my headphones and listen to whatever is on my iPod.   It has gotten easier.  Some people have broken the wall of silence and asked little things about my wrists when I was wearing my braces and one was asking about overtime.  I talk to security on the way up to my car and Thursday night I talked with a pharmacist who was riding up with me.

I know it’s my fault.  I’m awkward.  I’m uneasy around people.  I’m used to being left out or pushed out.  I almost expect it.  I’m not outgoing.  I’m not pushy.  I don’t speak up.   I don’t grab the spotlight or insert myself into conversations. Unless I truly feel what I have to say is vital, if the opening for my snippet passes I don’t bring it up.  I’m quiet.  I think.  I’ve been told I come off as a snob.  I’m not.  A lot of times I’m scared.  I’m not comfortable around loud groups of people.  The better I think the people around me are, the less comfortable I am.  I’m too serious and too literal.  People don’t talk to me and they don’t start conversations unless they want something most of the time.  This includes my mother.  I don’t talk about me unless someone asks most of the time.  People don’t care about me and don’t want to hear about me.  This is where I talk about me the most.  I keep so much inside.

I want what I see my friends have, but I no longer think it could happen to me.  I’m not sure I can ever be a strong Christian.  I’m not sure I’ll ever belong. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone supportive who won’t take more than he gives.  I give too much.  I’m not sure there is someone who is willing to accept me and not take advantage of it.  I don’t know that I’ll ever take that chance again.  I’m sick of starting over.  I’m tired and overwhelmed and I will stay that way for at least the rest of the year. I see no other choice.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.