Today was a busy day. Well, so was yesterday. Yesterday Mom and I went to Tanger Outlets in Washington, PA. I bought some purple (okay, they called it eggplant) Privo Ricegrass by Clarks shoes. Since they went with my outfit I changed shoes after buying them. I got a couple of tank tops for less than 5 bucks each and two of my favorite bras. I also got a 4 oz Spice candle from Bath & Body Works along with a silver snow flake jar candle sleeve. I really hope they do the Spice in the 3 wick. I love the Spice scent. I got a pair of Steelers earrings to wear. I also got two pans (Baker’s Secret non stick, too!). I had to stop at Auntie Anne’s for a pretzel and a frozen Coke. I love frozen Cokes! Then we asked Tracy (my Tom Tom GPS) to take us to Eat’N Park. It didn’t take us to the main one but to one out of the way. I had clam chowder, which is one of my favorites. Then we went home. Construction zones are confusing, though. We were definitely tired and our feet hurt, but we had fun and got some things that worked well. I really helped Mom at the shoe store. She didn’t wear heavy enough socks so she borrow mine to get good fits on her shoes. I also suggested she try not wearing her insoles and that worked as well. Not to mention I stood around forever while she did shoes. I also found the faux leather jacket style that she liked and was able to find in her size hiding away in a different area of the store. I also forced her to try on things again and again and ran out for different sizes and different articles (you have to try on everything at outlet stores) till we got ones that fit. I try to take care of my mom.

Today didn’t go so well. Mom had a visitor so I ended up staying upstairs longer than I wanted to. When he was finally gone I went downstairs, but my sugar was really low. Mom was worried and took my sugar with her glucometer and it was 79. That’s the lowest my sugar’s been that I know of. So I had some juice and a small piece of cheesecake. Once I was done with my shower I felt much better…except that my stomach isn’t a big fan of a lot of juice so it ended up quite upset. We skipped going to dinner, went grocery shopping, and came home to watch the CMA Music Festival on GAC. I stayed downstairs with them for a couple hours. I had some Italian bread which helped to calm my stomach. I came upstairs and fixed (hopefully!) my stink bug problem. Mom found some weather stripping and I stuffed into the gap. I did have to vacuum up some stink bugs first. I was going to bake a cake, but I’m not feeling well so it’s not going to happen. I did make some shells in the Pasta Boat. Unfortunately, the lid came off and the first batch ended up in the sink so I had to make a second batch. *sigh*
Tomorrow is the Steelers vs the Browns with Big Ben back in the lineup. It’s also the day we’re going to try out the crock pot and make some pot roast. We got the ingredients tonight since we’ll have to start it early. I’m hoping to get the cake done as well. Since grocery shopping is done all I have to do is vacuuming and laundry. I guess I should do some other cleaning as well. That was the weekend so far. And I have a blog post! Good night!

I don’t know what to do anymore.  There are moments when I hate my life, but most of the time I just get no pleasure from it.  I know we’re not put on this earth to have fun, but sometimes I wish I could have more of it.  I’m plodding through life.  I go to work and I go grocery shopping.  I get gas and take my car to the shop.  Occasionally, I see my father.  I work to pay the bills. I work OT to pay the bills.  I work to put gas in the car so I can get to work.  I come home, play Facebook games and read about other people’s lives on Livejournal and their blogs.  I request blinkies and such because they can actually make me smile.  On the weekends I spend most of my time reading which is the same as hiding from my life.  *shrug*  Why wouldn’t I want to?  The people around are either busy or don’t talk to me.  Goodness, if I didn’t have work related questions I could the entire day from the moment I leave the house until the minute I wake up the next morning and go downstairs without talking to anyone.  And I’m not exaggerating.  I talk more on weekends to my Mom, which is good.  That wasn’t the case in the last week, but I’m not sure in that case it was worth it.  I ended up more aggravated, but that was due to the person I was talking to.  And even then it was only after work.  I guess I’m too picky.

Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore.  Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard.  Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave.  I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long.  Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy.   The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful.  It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!).  But still – Jim was my last single RL friend.  Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant.  *shrug*  She’ll find someone.  She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom.  I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more.  It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end.  I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.

I’m not normal.  Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird.  I love to read sci fi and fantasy.  I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS.  I hate the majority of the reality TV shows.  I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game.  I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games.  I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m not comfortable in large groups.  Okay, certain types  of large groups.  Baseball games yes, parties no.  I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it.  It tends to lose something when you have to explain it.  I have a schedule that most people don’t follow.  I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.).  I like spice scented and apple scented candles.  It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty.  I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish.  I do wish.  But I don’t see it happening.  Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared.  The last two I thought were serious.  I ended up with nothing at the end of both.  In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on.  The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state.  Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified.  Not to mention that dating is too expensive.  Don’t try to tell me it isn’t.  I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.

So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will.  I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change.  I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me.  I’m not going to beg.  Fear will keep me from large groups.  Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal.  Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.

This month has been just plain weird and it’s not even over yet!  After 21 days my therapist finally called me back to set up an appointment for three weeks later then proceeded to tell me that she thought I was pushing it because I made it for 4 days later than her initial offering.  I’m pushing it?  The earliest she gave me was at least 6 weeks after the one I had to cancel (to take my mother for her colonoscopy.  Since my grandfather, her father, died of colon cancer which spread into his bones) and my wanting to wait 4 days so I didn’t have to get up at 8 am after working the night before was pushing it.  She’s thrilling me less and less – especially since if I cancel the fastest she gets back to me is 3 weeks and she once canceled my appointment telling me it was my request when it was another of her patients who wanted a cancellation.  Of course that time she called me before the actual appointment, not weeks after it.  She also told me I should date even when though I don’t want to and that I should get my degree so I can be a supervisor even though I have no desire to be a supervisor.   I’m not looking forward to the appointment and I’m not sure that is a good thing.

Then my pcp’s office calls and tells me that the appointment I made in June needs to be cancelled because the doctor won’t be in the day of my appointment in less than 2 weeks.  So I had to change that one to the week of my vacation, too.  Great – the big plans for my vacation are two appointments that I don’t really want to go to.   Also, my check engine light came on.  Dad checked the computer code and it looks like it’s the same O2 sensor I replaced in July for $300 for my inspection.  It was less than 2 months so if it is the same one it will be warrantied – I hope.  If not then I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Of course, in July it took 3 consecutive weekends to get it taken care of.  It could be very expensive.  Also, one of the contacts in my last pair is mis shaped and gives me a headache and one blurry eye if I wear it.  So I’m back to wearing my 3+ year old glasses until I order new ones.  When I order depends on how much the car repair costs.  I was also hoping to get my glasses replaced on my vacation so I don’t know if that’s going to happen if I can’t get the contacts this weekend. *sigh* I just don’t know.

That, of course, is not the weird part.  The first weekend I went to my 2 friend’s daughter’s 1st birthday party where the only people I knew were the parents.  I ended up sitting with the father’s mother and aunt who decided that I needed to be hooked up with her brother/brother in law?  I’m really not sure what he was, but he was a contemporary of her, not my friends.  He’s old enough to be my father.  I did give a reason why it wouldn’t work (and a valid one).  I also barely spoke to him and flat out refused to take a walk with him.  At the end of the party he gave me his phone number and said he really liked my eyes.  I freaked and got out of there ASAP.  Since that was the 4th guy I’ve had hit on me in 10 years, I wasn’t used to that type of situation and wasn’t handling it well.  I put it out of my mind and moved on.

The next weekend I attended the wedding of 2 friends of mine and ended up with at the table with a guy I haven’t seen in years.  He gave me his phone number later that night.  I was in shock.  5 guys interested in 10 years and 2 of them in the same month in consecutive weekends?  What are the odds?  After talking to him for a few days I’ve decided I’m not going there either.  Not only do I not want to date anyone right now, it’s also not a situation I want to be in.  *shrug*

This is weekend number 3 of the month and I’m a little nervous.  I really hope it passes with no one giving me their phone number.

by livejournal use tv_fan_girl

Someone on Facebook made a comment about friendship and it’s got me thinking about the subject.  What makes a friend?

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Next week is going to suck.  I most likely will not be around from Sunday night through sometime on Friday.  It’s not my fault, either.  The fault lies with Duquesne Light.

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It’s been a rough week and it’s not even over yet. (Warning! This is a long one.)

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My self esteem isn’t always the best. It never has been. There have been times in the past when it has been better than others, but you know what? Right now isn’t one of them. Last week’s counseling session really torpedoed it. I feel like I’m fighting against everyone. Well, almost everyone. I wasn’t feeling very strong due to illness. Nausea is hard to deal with and I had been going through it on both Wednesday and Thursday. Being told that I was too rough…just hurt. I don’t know how I was too rough. He forced the issue. I told him things that were troubling me. I’d been telling him things that bothered me. He didn’t listen. He didn’t remember. He doesn’t. We argued basically every time we were on the phone and every time he was at home. I’d tell him specific things he could do, and he didn’t do them. *sigh* Then to have her tell me that she didn’t think that “the fat lady had sung” on our relationship. What about it makes it salvageable? Just because he’s a nice guy and didn’t physically abuse me doesn’t mean that I need to be with him. I’m completely drained. Physically, emotionally, and financially. I need someone I can depend on. I want someone to be strong for me. I don’t want someone who deals with something that he knows bothers me by avoiding it and ignoring it. Anyways, the result of that Friday is that I have been feeling like a horrible person. Like someone who is mean and cruel. I like to think I’m a good person, or at least an okay person, but that. That doesn’t.
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My jaw hurts.  It’s been hurting for several days now.  Monday?  Tuesday?  I’m really not sure.  It’s the TMJ and it’s on both sides right now.  I can talk without pain, but not eat.  Taking pills is not easy either.  I don’t know what to do to make it better.  I guess I deserve it.

My stomach’s not happy.  Since Wednesday I’ve been having on and off nausea, normally accompanied by sweating.  I was so sick when I got home from work Wednesday night that I just went to sleep.  I took Zofran to get through Thursday but I was still sick when I got home.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep.  I was starving.  I ate a hot dog (something which actually did not turn my stomach, strangely enough), but I was still starving and had a very hard time going to sleep.  I had to go to therapy today and went grocery shopping.  I was able to eat a hot dog this morning, but not the donut I tried.  Even now, I’m fighting it.  And of course, I was so depressed after therapy that I went and had lunch at Long John Silvers.  Not something my digestive system tolerates very well now that I do not have a gall bladder.  I didn’t go out to see people, even though I wanted to.  I don’t know that I’ll go see Mom tomorrow and F Cubed…well, I just don’t know about that.  It’s more than sickness that would keep me away.

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Do you ever have those moments when you just don’t know what to do?  I’m tired and I’m starting to get overwhelmed.  I have a lot of decisions to make.  I’m trying to re-connect with people.  I am, but I’m intimidated in some ways and feel too pushy in others.  Two weeks ago I saw The Steel City Knitter and Knitting Mama.  Last weekend I made plans to see my favorite French teach, but they fell through.  This weekend I did get to see the Mademoiselle and offered to go see Knitting Mama, though she wasn’t up to it.  I was supposed to go to F-Cubed.  I didn’t.  I was planning to work, but didn’t.  I was way too tired and overwhelmed.  I guess you could say that’s why I didn’t go to F-Cubed.  I almost didn’t go to see the Mademoiselle.  Frankly, it’s intimidating.   These are all good friends of mine and people I trust, so I’m sure you’re wondering why I would feel intimidated.

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For awhile I’ve been drifting and not sure of what to do or where to go.  I’ve made decisions and tried my best, but things have fallen apart.  I think there’s something wrong in just about every area in my life. My health, my transportation, my job, my relationship, my shelter, my finances, etc. it all seems to be falling apart. I’ve gotten away from God and I’m not sure how to get back.  I’m afraid and I’m not sure why.  I’m not sure I can ever go back.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.