The overwhelming support shown by the entire country can still make me smile.  All the people who traveled both great and small distances to help New York and DC recover and rebuild.  The money that was raised for the families of the victims.  I can remember a business owner who worked in the Towers who was late that day because he was taking his child to school coming on the air and promising to give money to the families of his employees.  I don’t recall his name, but I do hope he kept that promise.  I can remember the emotions of the President and the other political leaders and all the events held to raise money to help.   We didn’t break, we got back up, and today we still stand as a proud nation.

I know that it saddens me to know that there are those who believe that the whole thing was a sham.  That our government did it intentionally.  Were things missed leading up to it? Yes.  Are those misses more glaringly obvious after the fact than before the attack?  Most definitely.  No one I know had ever considered that a jet plane would be used as a bomb instead of as someplace to get hostages.  It seems obvious now, but not then.  I was old enough then to know and remember and the common man just did not consider that.  I can not speak for the terrorists and Al Qaeda who obviously did think of it nor for the people who were employed to stop terrorism since I did not know any at the time.  I think it is a real credit to our leaders, our intelligence agencies, and our military that in the past ten years we have not had another major terrorist attack on our soil and I certainly pray that the rest of the day goes by without incident.  It is also a credit to our allies who have assisted us – many of whom have also suffered from terrorist attacks in the past ten years.  It is a battle, I know, between law enforcement and terrorists to see who can win each day and I pray that each day law enforcement wins.  Killing people may get attention to a cause, but it leaves holes in many lives.  One day another terrorist may try something similar to the attacks on September 11th and my sister or my brother-in-law might just be flying the plane or be a passenger on the plane.  I know they both would fight but as little as I see them I don’t want to lose them.  No longer will the majority of pilots and crew co-operate with terrorists since we now know that hostages and negotiations are not the number one uses for planes.  We have  the memories of the brave people on Flight 93 to thank for that.  One of my favorite songs is “One Last Time” by Dusty Drake:

One Last Time lyrics
Songwriters: Matthews, Patrick Jason; Phillips, Kerry Kurt;

When she picked up the telephone
His voice came on the line
She said, “This can’t be happening”
An’ tears fell from her eyes

She said, “What am I supposed to do?
I can’t handle losin’ you”
He said, “I just had to call to say goodbye”
One last time

He said, “There are some things in this life
That are out of our control”
Like who we fall in love with
And when it’s time to go

She said, “What about the plans we had?”
He said, “This connection’s gettin’ bad”
Now c’mon baby, let me hear you smile
One last time

She started to apologize
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dusty-drake-lyrics/one-last-time-lyrics.html )
For all the things that she’d done wrong
She said, “I would have loved you better
If only I’d known”

He said, “You were the perfect wife
Promise me you’ll go on with your life”
She said, “The boys won’t understand”
He said, “Tell ‘em daddy loves ‘em and be strong, whoa”

And he said, “Honey, I’ve gotta go”
She said, “Don’t you dare hang up
There’s so many things I need to say
I love you so much”

It was almost like she felt him leave
She cried out, “Can you still hear me?”
She fell down on the kitchen floor, when the signal died
As the pilot tried to pull out of the dive, one last

Unfortunately, I was unable to find an audio version to link, but I would suggest looking for it.  It always gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes.  I can remember the shock I felt at hearing the end of the song for the first time. I thought the lyrics were kind of stupid and the man was cruel until I heard that part.

Day 1 – your favorite song

This one changes all the time depending on what I’m listening to. Right now it’s “Get Back Up” by TobyMac.

One of my all time favorite songs is “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001 started like any other day. I drove over to the Hopewell Wage Tax Office where I was temping at the time.  The elected tax collector had a tv in the office and we would watch it every day.  We switched it to the Today Show not long after the first plane hit the first tower.  We saw smoke rising from the tower and heard them say that a plane had hit it.  Everyone was still trying to figure out what had happened.  No one knew anything at that point.  As we watched while trying to work the second plane hit the second tower.  That was the first inkling we had that it wasn’t an accident.  It was a mass of confusion. I think we were actually listening to them talk to a correspondent at the Pentagon (I think they were trying to get a handle on what, if any, military action was going on about it) when the screen shook.  It took a few minutes, but we found out a plane had hit the Pentagon.  I could definitely be out of order, but the cameras were trained on the towers when the first one came down.  I remember the confusion and the horror that they were feeling.  Then the second one came down as we watched.  You could see smoke and dust everywhere.  The closer they got to what became known as Ground Zero, the more noise and confusion you could here.  I can remember the high pitched alarms of the firemen’s safety gear, though I cannot say for sure that I saw and heard that on that day, though I would be surprised if I had not.  At some point we heard about Flight 93 going down in Shanksville near Stoystown.  That struck me with shock.  I know that area, somewhat.  I had gone to church camp at Camp Allegheny and Shanksville, Stoystown, and Jennerstown were places we often went through or near to get there.

No one knew what was going on that day.  I heard tons and tons of rumors being broadcast by the media.  They were grasping at straws.  We heard of more planes being out of contact.  We head of everyone being grounded.  All of use were scared.  I can also remember the rumors that we heard in the days that followed.  Stupid ones such as terrorists were coming to our backwoods area (hey, it was Beaver County!), stealing police and other emergency responder vehicles and ramming them into buildings.  I had to dispel the rumor of that stupid photoshopped picture that was supposedly take at the top of one of the towers right before the plane hit it.  Some of the people I worked with were very gullible, but it just goes to show how scared everyone was that they would even give credence to some of the rumors that we heard.  I can remember seeing President Bush talking, though I don’t remember where or when.

The tragedy was especially hard on me. I was suffering from major depression and this really hit it hard.  I loved some of the songs that came out in response – “Where were you when the world stopped turning”, “Have You Forgotten” and others.  I can remember how the country came together and all of the help that was sent to New York after that.  I also can remember the hate and the blame being thrown around in those days.

Last night I watched a program on many of the conspiracy theories surrounding 9/11.  They’d show a theory and then what the experts had to say in response.  Although I cannot believe how credulous some people are, I also cannot believe how suspicious other people are.  Faked cell phone calls, supposed demolition crews sent in before the attacks, the so-called logic some used based on plane crashes (which usually occur at low speeds near landing or take off) and using those examples to supposedly show that people were lying.  There is a hell of a lot of difference between a plane coming into land and the speed of plane being flown into something.  You get very different results from the two.  I can’t believe how full of hate people are that they want to make this whole complicated, confusing mess into some big plan by someone or another.  Complicated plans do not go through well.  They may start out well, but things always go wrong.  Murphy’s Law.  I saw the pain that some of the victims’ families had over the conspiracy theories.  Life does not tie up in a neat bow.  The fact that it doesn’t does not mean that someone has made it that way.  Grand conspiracies may work well in movies, but then you have only a few people (the writers) controlling everything that happens.  *shakes head*  No, we don’t have all the answers to all of the questions surrounding what happened that fateful day.  We probably never will.  Some answers we cannot get due to the fact that the people who made the decisions that caused some of the events are dead.  Some things became confused because people were confused and said things out of that confusion.  We had no comparison to any of the events that happened that day.  People’s reactions to it were out of control, in some cases.  For some, some answers are either too easy or too complicated.  People want easy answers and when they don’t exists some people make answers that suit their mindset.  The problem is that in that process truth, fiction, and people’s pain get all mixed up until no one knows exactly what happened.

I look at my future and it’s not so bright.  I don’t have a kid, fiance, boyfriend, or husband.  I have Mom, Dad, and Kathy.  I’m not close to my sister or my step sister.  And by not close I mean we don’t speak for months at at time.  My sister is married and my step sister is engaged.  The rest of my family is states away.  Many states, in some cases.  My parents (with the exception of Kathy – I’m not sure how old she is, but my step sister is 9-10 years younger than I am) are in their 60′s.  Since my father’s father is 93 and still living mostly on his own (see my post My Grandfather is Amazing) so he’ll be around for a long time, I think.  My mother on the other hand is a different story.  Diabetes and colon cancer are the legacies of her parents.  She doesn’t want life saving procedures done.  She’s not even sure she wants blood transfusions.  I know she doesn’t want to have a long life.  I’m not sure how long of a life she wants, but I know she doesn’t want a long one.  It makes me sad.  I don’t like to think about losing my parents.  I’ll be basically completely alone at that point.

I don’t want children.  I’m not good with children.  In fact young children scare me.  Not to mention that I really don’t want to pass down the problems in my genes.  Then there’s the fact that I would most likely have to go off my antidepressant if I became pregnant and that would definitely not be good.  If I survived that, you can forget about breast feeding.  As much as I’d want to, I know I can’t handle my regular life, let alone a baby and possible postpartum depression, if I’m not on antidepressants.  And yes, I do realize that this will leave no one to take care of me in my old age.  My mother (who doesn’t like children) has already pointed that out numerous times.

I also really don’t expect to find a spouse.  I’m not really sure I want to find one at this point.  People can’t handle being around me because of my depression (not to mention the fact that I really don’t tend to fit in with most of my peer group.  I never have.). It’s even worse for those who live with me.  It’s not going to change.  There’s no magic issue that I can work through that’s going to make my severe depression disappear.  I have to be medicated.  Of course, being medicated properly is important as well, but my life has been a series of everything falling apart that I don’t think people will put up with.  Not to mention that a lot of men (and yes, I know this is a stereotype) have problems understanding emotions.  My illness is emotions.  A lot of the time it’s been out of control emotions.

There are other problems with spouses.  I have bad judgement when it comes to romantic relationships.  The past two major ones (okay, that’s the past two, but who’s counting?) have ended with me totally drained – emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  My other relationship choices (with one exception) haven’t been all that great either.  I don’t trust myself to find someone.   I don’t want to go from relationship to relationship anymore.  I’m not joining dating sites, going to bars, going speed dating, or any of the other find-a-mate things.  My schedule is a mess.  I can’t go to most get-togethers. I tend to be either at work or asleep.  The people I work with do not talk to me.  I don’t fit in with their sex text, drinking lives.  *shrug*  I don’t want to.

The upshot of all of this is in a very short amount of time I will be basically be completely alone.  I’m sure I’ll interact with people on places like Facebook and LJ and occasionally see the people I knew in school and at past work places, but it’s not like that’s going to be often.  I’m a loner and though it’s not always by choice, it’s the way things are.  The way things will be.  I’ve been struggling for 20 or so years to change it.  A lot of that was desperation due to my illness, but I’m going to try not to struggle with it anymore.  What will be, will be and all that jazz.  Still, it’s not always pleasant to contemplate.  I try not to, but the worse my depression is, the worse the obsession with it gets. Also the more morbid the thoughts get.  I start thinking about how I’ll die and no one will notice for days, weeks, months.  *shrug*

Well, enough sadness.  Moving on….

We had a large snowstorm that began on a Friday.  Saturday morning at around midnight we lost power.  Less than a half hour later it came back on.  The heat, however, did not.  I called at around 3:35 am the emergency line and someone said he’d come in a look at it first thing in the morning.  I woke up late morning to discover that not only did I not have heat, I also did not have hot water.  I waited several hours and called the office.  No answer. I called the emergency line and they said maintenance would call me with an update.  On Sunday we called back and were told again that we would be called.  The heat came back on, but they never called.  I still do not understand why we lost heat for over 24 hours when we had power.  They never plowed the parking lot that day.  My father and Kathy came over and dug me out.  That was what? Saturday the 7th?  Well, I was unable to park in the lot on Wednesday.  I got out of the lot after helping a woman get her car unstuck.  After deciding that it wasn’t worth trying to go to work, I drove back to the parking lot.  Someone else was stuck.  I had to park at the Foodland and walk back to my apartment.  I was told that the plow was broken.  The following week, on Tuesday, after trying to get up the parking lot to a parking space.  While backing down I got stuck in the driveway.  Half of my car was in a snow drift along the driveway.  I couldn’t get out.  AAA had to come and pull me out.  Two or three days later I got stuck in the driveway again.  This time a nice young man who lived in the complex got me out.  It did snow several times during this period of time, but I couldn’t tell that they plowed that week.  Also, do you know how hard it is to walk up a snow covered parking lot at night in the dark?  Not easy.  It doesn’t stop there.  The sidewalks that I would have to walk from the parking lot to my apartment and vice-versa?  Completely covered.  They did not do any type of plowing until Friday.  This past Friday.  Almost three weeks later. And they also only did the flats.  They have never plowed the stairs in my memory.  It was plowed earlier this week…on Wednesday.  Thursday morning I found one of the residents out with his son using a garden shovel to clear the other sidewalk.  The area from the porch of my building to the main sidewalk was not plowed.

Remember how I got pulled out from the snow two Tuesdays ago?  It did some damage to the car. I knew that it messed up the alignment and I thought that was causing the noises the care was making.  I didn’t realize until I was driving home from work one Wednesday night that it was more than that. I stopped on my way because the car was making horrible noises and I didn’t know why. I was scared.  I had never heard those noises before. I checked the tires that I thought was causing the problem and saw nothing. I called Dad and he told me that I would be okay to go home but after a false start I checked all the tires.  The driver’s rear wheel was completely flat. Great. Another AAA call in one day over a week.  Same dispatcher.  *sigh*  Two new tires and an alignment on Friday and further alignment issues to be dealt with in three weeks.  Close to $400 because they couldn’t effectively plow the parking lot.

The neighbors aren’t very nice.  Loud R & B or Hip Hop music playing during the day so loud that I can hear it in my bedroom.  The same people who bitched at Tom and threatened him for playing the acoustic guitar on a Saturday afternoon while I was at work.  Laundry left in the basement laundry room for months and counting.  Children’s shoes in front of the door from the stairwell to the apartment doors.  I asked the woman across the hall to please have her children not leave them in front of the door.  She basically told me I could have moved them myself since I didn’t have groceries at the moment. I felt like giving her a piece of my mind and telling her that the next time I got home from work and found them I’d pound on her door then instead of doing it when we were both home and awake.  Or maybe I’ll just take the shoes and toss them out into the snow.

One night we found a used syringe outside the building.  It was over a month ago and it was the last straw.

I’ve given up on trying to get management to do anything.  The things that they said they’d address they do not.  They tell stories which aren’t true and don’t do the things that they say they will.  They do not call me when they say they will.  I’m sick of it.  Just sick of it. I cannot wait until we move out.