Can I just say that I’m scared?  Life has sucked recently.  Tom was hit by a car on Saturday night. So far he’s lost almost an entire week’s of work.  His knee and shoulder are injured. I found out today that tomorrow he’s being sent for a MRI of his knee and won’t be able to go back until after we get the results from the doctor.  She didn’t like how his knee sounded.  So my prediction is, if there’s nothing wrong with the knee, is that the earliest he can go back is Thursday and the earliest he can get a load is Friday.  *sigh* Without tom working we start running out of money fairly quickly, especially at this point since he hasn’t been keeping up with his payments to me for various reasons.  So yeah, we’re low on money.  Due to this I’ve signed up for 14.5 hours of OT (time and a half and double time) this weekend.  Plus the 1.5 to 2 hours I’ve already done this week.  It’ll be hell, I think, but it needs to be done.  I’ve already gone through once and figured out what bills aren’t going to be paid this month and it looks like I’ll have to search for some hard numbers to figure it at this point.  I don’t know how long I’ll have to work crazy OT, but it could be a while.  Unless, of course, some untoward things happen tomorrow.

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Tom was hit by a car Saturday night while walking around the complex.  He hurt his shoulder and his knee and is out from work until at least Thursday.  I thought that since he was trapped home and couldn’t work that I might get to spend some time with him even though I have to work.  The only think I can say is that I get to see him.  I can’t find my bluetooth at the moment so I can’t talk to him while I’m driving.  So I talked to him on all of my breaks yesterday.  After my 11 pm break he went to sleep.  It’s 11:39 am and he’s still sleeping.  I went grocery shopping last night and got him a bunch of stuff – clothes (his only fitting pair of jeans had to be cut due to the accident), food, flowers, Bengay, and cherry Crush.  He doesn’t even know it because he’s not awake.  He’s sleeping on the couch in the living room and didn’t wake when I brought groceries in, did dishes, and made myself something to eat.  I almost completely cleaned my room Sunday night and he didn’t even comment on it.  I felt so horrible yesterday and I still went to get him things at the store.  I was literally shaking when I got home and I had no help.  I know he’s hurt and that he needs to sleep in order to heal, but you know what?  I still resent it.  I was exhausted yesterday and had to work for 10+ hours.  I was shaking, feeling nauseated, having hot flashes, had back pain, etc.  I had to remind him to take the pain medication.  I’m trying to figure out how to afford everything and what to pay and not pay.  After I finish this I’m going to get dressed, eat breakfast, make lunch, call work and let them know I’m coming in early, and go to work to do some OT.  I have to cancel getting my car repaired on Friday.  I’m finishing up going through withdrawal and I’m just waiting for the back and abdominal cramps to start.  Not to mention the blood.  I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m hurting.  I know I hurt him on Sunday.  My emotions were out of control and things were going straight from my brain out my mouth.  I found out this weekend that not only has he been patronizing me, he’s also been lying to me.  He keeps telling me that it’s okay and that we’ll get through my medication trial and error and not to worry about cleaning if I just couldn’t do it.  On Friday (or was it Saturday?) he blew up about the fact that I hadn’t been cleaning things (which is incredibly hard to do when you’re depressed because you don’t give a shit about yourself, let alone the kitchen) and told me that I was a different person every weekend and he was sick of it.  If I’m a different person all the time, how can he know whether or not he loves me?  You can’t love someone if you don’t know who they are.  And will he love me when I’m finally through this?  I don’t know who I’ll be.  I’m not the co-dependent person I was when we met.  I wasn’t strong then and I depended on him for a whole lot.  I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again.  How am I supposed to know if he really loves me?  How am I supposed to know if he’ll love me a month from now?  I don’t know how to handle it all.  I’m scared and I’m alone.  I’m jealous of my friends who have people in their lives to talk to and do things with.  I don’t know where to go from here.  (He did get up at some point – the Bengay is open.)  I’m alone even when I’m with someone.  Sometimes I think I’ll always be alone.

I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

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There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

Well, I’m just about finished with my second bout of physical therapy and feel well enough to try and exercise.  I did the 1 mile Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds Express this morning.  I debating doing it again later today. I was able to do it with the stretchy band which gave a real workout to my arms.  It took about 20 minutes – 15 min workout and about 5 min cool down.  I worked up a sweat, which is a good sign for a work out.  I’m trying to lose weight and inches.  Of course, baking cookies isn’t helping, but I’ll mainly eat them with my lunches. I’ve stopped all snacking at work (which can be rough during those first six hours!) and I’m working on smaller portions.  I’m eating healthier foods (ham and potato chip sandwiches vs canned ravioli and meatballs).  I have to move furniture around to work out, which is a little extra exercise in my corner.  If I get up at 4 or 4:15, I should be able to walk the mile before work.  That would be good.  I just recently bought new walking shoes (they have sparklies on them!).  I want to try to get in shape, not only for me but for Tom as well.  He never criticizes me for being over weight and says I’m perfect, but according to For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn (I love her book and feel it’s essential to understanding guys.  I know it helps me in my relationship with Tom.  I’d recommend it to any woman, as I would recommend For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn to any man.) how a woman looks is important to a man.  Not that a woman needs to be skinny, but that they need to take care of themselves.  I haven’t been taking very good care of myself and I’m trying to do better.  He deserves it, even if I don’t.

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk.

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

Tom is on a night run. Well, several night runs. He’s on his way to Laredo, Texas and he had a 2 am pick up this morning. So I can only talk to him at night. Luckily, I don’t work tomorrow. He slept today from 2 till 11 but woke up around 9:30 to call and tell me some good news. He finally got the regional position that he had applied for earlier in the year. It’s so awesome because it means that he’ll be home every week for 36 hours and he should be home on the weekends. He’ll be taking a pay cut to take the position but it guarantees 2500 miles a week which is much more than he’s currently getting which means he will have more money in his weekly pay check. So that’s more money and more time home. It’s such a blessing. We’ve gone for such long periods of time without seeing each other. Thank God for cell phones and free in network calling!

There’s only one problem. I’m having problems with it. I’ve seen the struggle he’s had with getting miles over the past year. He can run up to 4200 miles a week legally but has been making between 500 and 1700 miles a week. Once he’s made roughly 2000. I have a hard time believing that the Lord will bless us with 2500 miles a week, let alone more than that. It would be a great blessing. We both have bills we need to pay. But I’m afraid to be happy about it; I’m afraid to believe it. I have no problem believing bad things will happen. But good things are a different story. I’ve heard it said that you have to believe that good things will happen in order to have them happen so I’m going to work on believing it. God can do all things – even bring miles into our lives.

The answer is yes. I think. It’s been busy around here. I’ve been working, but not working OT. I did get my bonus which means we’ll be able to pay rent this month. All my bills are paid for June and though July is started, I have to pay some more. I did see my finish my physical therapy. Yes, I’m finally done with the neck tortue. I start therapy next week. This is good, I think. I saw my phychiatrist and she yelled at me, of course. She wouldn’t let me stop the risperidol, which is what I want to do. I was told that after two to three months symptoms come back. It’s been three months, though, and my symptoms are pretty much not here. Read the rest of this entry »

I worked today and Tom is home. That’s difficult to deal with. I want to be home with him. *sigh* And I work tomorrow. And I do OT on Sunday. *sigh* I really do need to do OT because a) we need the money and b) I never know if VTO is going to come up. It’s a lot easier taking VTO when I have the hours to cover it.

Tom made a candlelight dinner tonight. He’s so good to me. We had chicken and buttered noodles. Then we walked to Rita’s for some Italian ice. I had custard and it was good. He had a wild cherry gelato which he liked. It looks like I may have some form of exercise induced asthma. I certainly hope not. But when I exhale when I’m breathing heavily it feels like my throat is closing up. *sigh*

Sunday we’re going to go see Clayton. I know Tom really wanted to see him and when I suggested he call Ian and see if we could come up, he went for it. So we’re going to call when we leave on Sunday. Tom’s going to drive me to work so we’ll leave right from there. He’s also driving me to work tomorrow so we can go to church. I’m always feeling too tired to drive after getting up so early. He can go home and rest.

I have to go. I want to watch the Pens game. We’re winning at the moment. I can only hope it continues. I can’t stay up for the whole game. I would have to work the weekend of the Stanley Cup finals. Go Pens!