I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

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There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

Well, I’m just about finished with my second bout of physical therapy and feel well enough to try and exercise.  I did the 1 mile Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds Express this morning.  I debating doing it again later today. I was able to do it with the stretchy band which gave a real workout to my arms.  It took about 20 minutes – 15 min workout and about 5 min cool down.  I worked up a sweat, which is a good sign for a work out.  I’m trying to lose weight and inches.  Of course, baking cookies isn’t helping, but I’ll mainly eat them with my lunches. I’ve stopped all snacking at work (which can be rough during those first six hours!) and I’m working on smaller portions.  I’m eating healthier foods (ham and potato chip sandwiches vs canned ravioli and meatballs).  I have to move furniture around to work out, which is a little extra exercise in my corner.  If I get up at 4 or 4:15, I should be able to walk the mile before work.  That would be good.  I just recently bought new walking shoes (they have sparklies on them!).  I want to try to get in shape, not only for me but for Tom as well.  He never criticizes me for being over weight and says I’m perfect, but according to For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn (I love her book and feel it’s essential to understanding guys.  I know it helps me in my relationship with Tom.  I’d recommend it to any woman, as I would recommend For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn to any man.) how a woman looks is important to a man.  Not that a woman needs to be skinny, but that they need to take care of themselves.  I haven’t been taking very good care of myself and I’m trying to do better.  He deserves it, even if I don’t.

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk.

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

Tom is on a night run. Well, several night runs. He’s on his way to Laredo, Texas and he had a 2 am pick up this morning. So I can only talk to him at night. Luckily, I don’t work tomorrow. He slept today from 2 till 11 but woke up around 9:30 to call and tell me some good news. He finally got the regional position that he had applied for earlier in the year. It’s so awesome because it means that he’ll be home every week for 36 hours and he should be home on the weekends. He’ll be taking a pay cut to take the position but it guarantees 2500 miles a week which is much more than he’s currently getting which means he will have more money in his weekly pay check. So that’s more money and more time home. It’s such a blessing. We’ve gone for such long periods of time without seeing each other. Thank God for cell phones and free in network calling!

There’s only one problem. I’m having problems with it. I’ve seen the struggle he’s had with getting miles over the past year. He can run up to 4200 miles a week legally but has been making between 500 and 1700 miles a week. Once he’s made roughly 2000. I have a hard time believing that the Lord will bless us with 2500 miles a week, let alone more than that. It would be a great blessing. We both have bills we need to pay. But I’m afraid to be happy about it; I’m afraid to believe it. I have no problem believing bad things will happen. But good things are a different story. I’ve heard it said that you have to believe that good things will happen in order to have them happen so I’m going to work on believing it. God can do all things – even bring miles into our lives.

The answer is yes. I think. It’s been busy around here. I’ve been working, but not working OT. I did get my bonus which means we’ll be able to pay rent this month. All my bills are paid for June and though July is started, I have to pay some more. I did see my finish my physical therapy. Yes, I’m finally done with the neck tortue. I start therapy next week. This is good, I think. I saw my phychiatrist and she yelled at me, of course. She wouldn’t let me stop the risperidol, which is what I want to do. I was told that after two to three months symptoms come back. It’s been three months, though, and my symptoms are pretty much not here. Read the rest of this entry »

I worked today and Tom is home. That’s difficult to deal with. I want to be home with him. *sigh* And I work tomorrow. And I do OT on Sunday. *sigh* I really do need to do OT because a) we need the money and b) I never know if VTO is going to come up. It’s a lot easier taking VTO when I have the hours to cover it.

Tom made a candlelight dinner tonight. He’s so good to me. We had chicken and buttered noodles. Then we walked to Rita’s for some Italian ice. I had custard and it was good. He had a wild cherry gelato which he liked. It looks like I may have some form of exercise induced asthma. I certainly hope not. But when I exhale when I’m breathing heavily it feels like my throat is closing up. *sigh*

Sunday we’re going to go see Clayton. I know Tom really wanted to see him and when I suggested he call Ian and see if we could come up, he went for it. So we’re going to call when we leave on Sunday. Tom’s going to drive me to work so we’ll leave right from there. He’s also driving me to work tomorrow so we can go to church. I’m always feeling too tired to drive after getting up so early. He can go home and rest.

I have to go. I want to watch the Pens game. We’re winning at the moment. I can only hope it continues. I can’t stay up for the whole game. I would have to work the weekend of the Stanley Cup finals. Go Pens!

I just got the news – Tom will be home until Monday. He was coming home anyways, but when he went to leave his truck wouldn’t start. The batteries weren’t dead, but it wasn’t enough to start the truck. This is the second time this week that he’s had that problem so they’re going to fix the truck. It was due for a service anyways. He’s being sent home so I have to drive to Columbus to pick him up. I’m not sure when he’s going to get to Columbus, nor am I sure when I’m going to get to Columbus. This no hugging/kissing/etc. is going to suck, but I’m going to get to see him! I’m so excited! I’m so happy! Yay!

I worked today. OT. 6 hours. It was hard to get up at 430 am, but it went well. 6 hours isn’t nearly as long as 10 hours is. I worked and listened to my music. I bought lunch on the way home and Tom ordered pizza for me for dinner. Isn’t he sweet? I took no pictures this week so there’s no weekly winners. Sorry guys. I took some this morning of the sunrise so there will be some next week. Please have some patience.

My neck feels much better. I working on ideas for my story, but not reallly getting anywhere with them. I’m going to take a bath and go to bed. 430 comes quite early in the morning. Night all!