I was going to try to update everyday this year, but I’ve missed days. I guess that’s out of the question. New Year’s Eve went well. I had to work (blech) but I did end up driving out to Ebensburg and then Johnstown for the celebration. Its a tradition – coathaning at a far away Eat N’Park to bring in the new year. Most of the time it was at Weirton, but this year Johnstown. I think we’ll be going back to Weirton next year – Johnstown was a bit of a disappointment. I have pictures, which will most likely go up on Facebook…oh wait, I gave all the pics to Megan so they area already up there. I told them at the New Years Eve “party” that all I wanted was for Terry to leave me alone at the banquet. I didn’t want him to have to not come or me to have to not come, I just wanted him to leave me alone. I thought I was safe because he was over a half hour late. I guess several people talked to him because he didn’t bug me. He talked to the people around me, which didn’t go all that well since they know he was to leave me alone and aren’t too pleased with him anyways. I had fun, took pictures, and lost one of my gloves. I love those gloves – thinsulate driving gloves that were pretty darn warm. I’ve got some old leather ones that mom had but its just not the same. So the day after New Year’s Day I’m at work and low and behold I get an email. From Terry. Telling me that I looked good even with the short hair and thanking me for not letting him go to the NYE thing because I didn’t want him there. *shrug* This was news to me since no one I know had said anything to him about not coming out NYE. I’m sure they certainly would have mentioned. Not to mention that he doesn’t have transportation so I’m not sure how he thought he was going to get there anyways. So I emailed him back told him he was welcome and that I appreciated him leaving me alone and wish he would continue to do so even in email. An hour or so later I get a reply stating that I was astoundingly immature (and amazingly enough he spelled astounding and immature correctly) and that I look like “a dyke with my hair short”. Terry’s theory is that all women with short hair are lesbians. So much for me looking nice, eh? But that was my last day with Coventry so he will no longer be able to harrass me by email. Woohoo! I survived my bus trip the next morning. Luckily a nice lady named Eve helped me. She even was able to tell me how to get to the building I was going to. Luckily I decided not to spend the day in the city because I came home and promptly got sick. The flu. Blech. Why is it every time I get a flu shot, I get the flu? And the years I don’t get the flu shot, I do? *shakes head* So I spent all yesterday feeling horrible. And most of today sleeping. My stomach still isn’t very happy with me right now and I’m feeling like I need some water. Actually, I want a coke icee. I like coke icees. My mommy got me one last night when I was sick and I was able to keep it down. First thing all day. Mommies are very good to have around. But more about life tomorrow. I’m too tired to write any more tonight.

The end of a year. Its been a long year, though its gone quickly. I think the biggest thing is that I lost a fiance. Its not such a bad thing. He’s hurt me a lot and he won’t let go. I’m probably going to see him in the next few days and I dread it. I don’t want to come into contact with him. I know I’m still vulnerable to his tale telling. I had it thrown in my face pretty severely that he lies and tells tales. It hurt me deeply. People know I don’t want to run into him. He knows I don’t want to have contact with him. Its changed my life, and not in a good way. I lost a church that I loved. I miss out on Seeds events. I don’t go into that part of the city much. I’ve blocked his emails and his im names on all of my personal emails and instant messengers. I can’t block him at work. He’s been emailing me. He’s wanted me to tell him details of the banquet. To grow up and get over it already. To talk to him and “be his friend”. Just because I was able to do that with Ian doesn’t mean that I can do it with him. Ian’s honest and trustworthy. I knew he would not try to hurt me. I can’t say that about Terry. He’s already pretty blatently ignored my wishes. He insults me and swears at me every time I tell him to leave me alone. Its another one of the reasons why I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to have to face that kind of attack. I don’t think he cares enough to not do it if I say or do something that he does not like. I’m tired. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want a confrontation. I just don’t know if I can avoid one with the banquet and Johnstown trip.

I speak, but it seems no one listens. I write, but it seems no one cares. I watch and wait and there’s never any payoff. I believe what people tell me and all I get are lies. Why should I keep talking? Why should I keep writing? Why should I keep watching? No one cares. Well, I’ll amend that. My mother cares. I try and I fail. Some days I feel like giving up. This would be one of them. Some days I feel like shutting off the computer and never turning it back on. If I can’t get people I know to care, why should people I don’t know care. I put myself on the edge again and again, and I keep getting knocked off. I get my hopes up, and they are dashed. I want to go to bed and not get up tomorrow. I’m losing faith in my job search. I’m losing faith in a lot of things. *shakes head* Maybe its just a bad day. I don’t know. Some days I think I’m losing it. Some days I just don’t know. Who cares?

I’m not having kids. I won’t have any cute pictures to show off to anyone. I won’t have anyone to kiss the booboo for. No one to watch change and grow. No one to raise. Then again I’m likely to be the old spinster aunt. I guess I just can’t see myself with anyone or having children. The past two years have taken a real toll on me. Being at this point in my life is taking a toll on me, too. I have friends. Friends who are married or on their way to being married. Friends with kids. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel like I fit in because of that. *sigh* I’m very sensitive about fitting in. I always have been. I’ve been so traumatized so it makes sense, but it makes me sad. I’m a lot better than I used to be about it. But I know there are friends that I have that I can’t really connect with because I don’t have kids. *shrug* I do try. But I don’t have the experience to share with them. I don’t think I could handle kids. I certainly can’t handle having a guy. The dynamics of relationships change upon the addition of a significant other or child. I don’t really care for change and I tend to have trouble adjusting. I get awkward and shy. People don’t understand. I feel like I try so hard sometimes and it just doesn’t work. Right now, it still stings to see happy couples – and I know a lot of happy couples. Maybe I’m swinging to the extreme, but I don’t see any guy sticking around with all the problems that I have.

But I am never alone. I have Jesus. I do have people who love and care for me. Or at least the parts of me that they see. I work hard to conceal certain things – like my depression. I’ve been told since I was young that people don’t like to have unhappy people around. And its proven out in life. So people like to have me around, but not too often – I can’t always keep up the face of calmness or happiness. So maybe its a good thing they’re so far away. *shrug* I don’t know.

He changed his im name and caught me. I have his old one blocked, but I forgot about his new one. I had deleted that email so fast I never got the chance to read the new name. So I talked to him. He, of course, wanted to see me. I said no, of course. I’ve been saying no and ignoring his emails for four months now. You’d think he’d get the message. Apparently not. He wants to have a friendship and see where it went. I again said no. I don’t trust the man and I’m too vulnerable to his tales. I don’t want to have another relationship with him. He went into all my flaws – I’m emotionally manipulative, have snobbish behaviors, see everything negatively, totally self involved, and that I need to grow up. He said everyone of those things in an attacking, hurtful manner then tried to portray it as an attempt to help me grow up and overcome what drove him away. So now he was driven away. Funny, I thought he broke up with me because I moved home. That’s what he told me last round. He apologized for lying and cheating again, but you know what – I’m not sure if he’s sorry he did it or just sorry he got caught. He said he still loved me but I chased him away. He called me names and insulted me and put me down. So I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not want a friendship with him, that I did not want to communicate with him and that I just wanted him to leave me alone. That’s when it really got ugly. The language got really bad, the insults were nasty and the message was that I wasn’t a grown up who could handle life. I asked him if he would leave me in peace and he said he would, along with some more nastiness. He was mean and hurtful. How did I ever get mixed up with someone who was such a negative influence on my life? How much of what he said is true? He called me a psycho because I said that I had prayed about it and had gotten the message that I wasn’t the one to help him. That I should just cut off all ties with him. It hurts. It really hurts. He spent the whole time trying to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do. That’s not love. He was intentionally hurtful (yes, he admitted that). That’s not love. Nothing in that conversation indicated love and caring. So why does it still hurt?

Well, he emailed me again. He wanted to get together and talk. He thought it was time. He also sent me a song. Its one of my favorites, though he has no idea about that. It was Tears in Heaven done by the Gregorian chant people. Its a little weird, but it was cool. He wanted me to email him back with what I thought of it. I thought about it. I prayed about it. I deleted it. Its not for me to help Terry. That’s for God to do. With the help of someone else. He also tried to have me add his new im name to my messenger. I rejected his request. I do wish he would leave me alone. This is why I can’t risk going to the church. Though I’m coming close to doing so. I miss it. A lot. COTS just isn’t the same. I’m going to keep going, but I miss the people and the preaching at Seeds. I suppose I’ll get used to it. *shrug* I’m trying. Hopefully, he’ll not try again. I don’t know. I kinda expect an angry email from him demanding that I talk to him. He’s not tried to call me again which is a good thing. I just have to trust that God will bring me through this. And He will. He always does.