Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

I’m starting to get sick of feeling pressured by people telling me I need to or should get my degree.  First thing, it’s expensive and I’m broke.  I have to pay off bills before I could consider that it and that will take years.  By then finishing my education will be even more expensive!  The thing is I’m not really sure why I need it.  I’ve never not had a job, other than the two or three weeks after Team went out of business.  I’ve had jobs where you need a degree and multiple of years in the industry (neither of which I had).  I will (eventually) make more at the job I have (which I don’t need a degree for) than I have at any other job.  2 years and 2 and a half months.  The only degree I’m close to getting is an English degree.  What on earth am I going to do with that?  I don’t know what else I would do.  Medical transcriptionist has been suggested.  Do they really have degrees for that?  I thought that was a certificate thing.  *shrug*  Melissa says to get a degree to move up in my job.  Um…I don’t know what degrees you need to become a pharmacist, but I bet it’s expensive.  Not to mention that I don’t really want to be a pharmacist.  They have to talk to people.  Melissa thinks I should go into management.   I don’t understand why.  I don’t really want to.  I don’t really want to have to deal with all the things that managers have to deal with.  I like what I do now.  I guess there’s something wrong with me because I’m not that ambitious.  I don’t understand why I have to be.  Can’t my goals just be to be better at the job I have?  I have room for improvement.

Another thing I don’t understand is the pressure on me to date.  Why can’t I just not date?  Melissa spent 20 minutes telling me I should date.  I should find someone at work.  I should meet guy’s eyes at coffee shops and bookstore cafes.  I should join eHarmony and find someone online.  There are difficulties with that.  Most of the people at work are in relationships or are married.  Not to mention that they don’t talk to me.  And the fact that most of them like to go out and drink and I don’t.  I don’t like coffee.  When I go somewhere with a book I’m basically focused on the book.  I get lost in it unless I have to be aware of the time.  I don’t look at the people there with me.  Meeting people online isn’t exactly the most safe of things to do.  I know plenty of people who have done it, but I’m very wary.  Melissa pushed eHarmony on me, but I know that’s expensive.  She said look for a free weekend.  She doesn’t want me to “waste my cuteness”.  I didn’t know it was wasted because I wasn’t going out with anyone. *rolls eyes*

Why do I need to date in the first place?  I don’t want children so I don’t really have to worry about a biological clock or anything.  I have depression which can be quite difficult and most people, especially men, don’t understand.  Even some of those who claim to understand have negative prejudices about depression.  I also don’t tend to trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships.  I’ve dated 6 guys.   2 of the relationships were extremely short.  1 of them was okay, but we just weren’t right for each other.  2 of them were very unhealthy.  2 of them drained me completely financially.  (1 of them was both unhealthy and draining.  That’s why the numbers don’t add up.)  The later ones seem to be worse than the earlier ones.  5 out of 6 is not a good record.  I’m sick of going through it.  I seem to end up giving too much and getting too little.  I don’t want to do it any more.  I also don’t go anywhere where I would meet people.  Melissa suggested I ask my friends if they know any single guys.  Yeah, so not me.  Not going to happen.  Oh yeah, it’s only been about 4 months since I broke up with the last guy.

I know these leaves me in a bad place for the future.  I know it will end up with me alone with no one constant in a few years.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.  I’m focusing more on what I’m doing now.  I don’t understand why that’s not good enough for people.  I’m content where I am, for the most part.  I’m not thrillingly happy, but I’m not horribly depressed.  I can stand the former and I love the latter.  People who don’t have depression don’t understand how wonderful the absence of sadness can be.

I don’t like my job – its too ambiguous and I’m constantly interrupted and shifted from task to task.  I have to do mail next week.  And I have to learn to do mail this week.  More interruptions.  Nobody really talks to me.  I sit at my desk all day and basically have little to no communication with anyone, including my “partner” and my supervisor.  I get horrible stomach aches.  Horrible.  Every. Stinking. Day.  I get pains in the middle of my right side right under my right breast.  Every. Stinking. Day.  I have huge bills to pay for and I’ve had to restructure my payments several times.  Something always seems to come up to change them.  But if I can just get Mom through the next three or four months….  My sister wants to be closer to me, but never calls me.  I’m always calling her.  I can’t get a hold of my father for weeks at a time.  He has no idea I have horrible stomach aches and have missed work due to them.  That happened over two weeks ago.  I have nothing to look forward to – at least nothing that seems reachable.  I’ll have my credit card bills paid off in 2010.  It’ll take me the next year or so to pay Mom back.  So by the middle of 2011 I should actually have some money to do something with.  Woopie.  That might as well be forever and a day away.  I’ve basically left one group of friends because of my ex-fiance and his new girl.  Not that I’m missing much – they all live on the other side of Pittsburgh and are very close.  Not one of them has called me.  I guess when I said I wasn’t coming to Tuesday nights for awhile in January, they all gave up on me.  *sigh*  That’s probably my negativity speaking again.  So I have no one to do things with. (And I have tried.  Barbi just got sick, I think.  Heck, I don’t even know for sure.)  I have new clothes to wear, but no one will notice.  No one ever notices me.  (More negativity?)  Not to mention that my pants are getting increasingly harder to fit into.  *sigh*

Let’s see, what can I look forward to?  Good weather?  Nah, its supposed to rain and thunderstorm all week.  A Pirates game?  Nah, expensive and I can’t get anyone to go with me.  Not to mention the problem of getting back in town for a seven oh five game when I don’t reach the park and ride till six.  I have some jewelry coming.  That will be nice – a new sparkley.  I have the trip down to see the place where my sister is getting married in June.  Let’s not go there.  Right now I’m not even sure I’m well enough to go to the wedding, let alone be in it!  And I don’t know if I can get the day off of work.  I don’t know how on earth I’m going to fit in a doctor’s appointment in the daytime in the next three months – most days already have three people off on them!  Not to mention that it could be months before I get in to see the GI doc.  And he’ll probably send me for tests then find out nothing is wrong with me and once again I’ll be labeled as a hypochondriac, stuck with horrible stomach aches, and feel like crap.  (Notice the negativity.  But I’ve seen this happen before. To me.  Breathing problems and pains in my chest and arm.)  I want something to break free of this ever increasing, mostly self defeating cycle but I can’t find it.  I just want it all to stop.  And I could.  I’ll be the first to tell you that I have a way out.  I’ve got the meds to do.  Sometimes I even have the desire.  But I won’t go through with it.  Why? Because God said no to suicide.  For some reason (and that there is a reason is all that keeps me going some days) He wants me to live in this mess I call a life.  I’m very sad.  I’m very depressed.  I’m very scared.  And the best part?  I can’t tell anybody.  Nobody ever understands.  Heck, I’m not sure I even understand sometimes.  I’ve backslid a whole lot since breaking up with my ex-fiance.  I’m a mess, a wreck, and someone no one should have to deal with.  So I don’t force myself on anyone.  But I’m so lonely.  Its a devastating circle with no way out.  I’m getting deeper and deeper in and I have to find a way out.  I guess I’ll read the book the therapist gave me to read and pray some more.  I don’t know what else to do.

4/28 – Well, its kinda over for me. Its 8:55 pm and I’m about to go to bed. Just had work today. It was awful. I felt awful. If I had been able to, I would have gone home at about 10 am. Last 45 minutes of the day sucked horribly. I wish my supervisor would make up her mind. But, clean room, candle lighted, room lighted up, computer and kitty so much better now. If only my stomach would agree….

4/29 – Tuesday. Guess what! I’m going to that joy-filled place known as work. Once again I’ll be racing through my reports trying to get them done early enough. And helping out with wires. I wonder if Kiera will be there. She might have gone into labor this afternoon. Just what I need – my back up to go missing on me. Poor Kiera, though. She’s not due till June.

4/30 – Pay day! I get to go to all my billing websites and pay my bills. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Discover (this month and next month), MBNA (which is really Bank of America, but it was MBNA when I got the card!), and phone. Well, can’t quite pay the phone yet. The bill won’t be ready until after the 4th of May. Silly Verizon. Also find out what my employee discount will get me in the way of car insurance. If it goes like the quotes I got today, I’ll be sticking with what I have, even if it did go up $98 for no apparent reason. Oh yeah, I have therapy today. Joy.

5/1 – Just another day. Maybe getting some laundry done – my bed, I think. Though its a risky thing to do on a short night. Might have to stay up late letting it dry. Must empty the dishwasher. And it’s Thursday – trash day.

5/2 – Friday! One last day at work and I get to go home to my nice clean kitchen and room. Did I mention I cleaned up the kitchen this weekend?

5/3 – Yay! I get to sleep in. Or wake up and go back to sleep, however you want to describe it. Must work on dining room and solve the weekly dilemma – whether or not to go to Seeds. Probably won’t happen. Damn Terry.

5/4 – Maybe this Sunday I’ll wake up early enough to check out St. Stephens. Must find church. So far Mom’s liked Sharon Presby and I like St. Phillip’s. Twill be interesting to see what the service is like. If I can wake up early enough. Laundry day.

So that’s my week. It will also be cold, wet, and, thank God, not snowy. I like all the spring flowers, but ’tis almost time for them to be gone. Petals are falling. The grass in the backyard looks like it has dandruff. And the clock strikes nine o’clock. (Okay, so its a few minutes and an hour off. I won’t tell if you won’t!)

Edit: 5/2 – getting together with Knitting Mama.

New job – post tomorrow. All is on hold while I mourn tonight.

Sig by Sarah.