I know I haven’t been around. I’ve been feeling quite ill for last quarter last year and all this year so far.  It may be the medication that I raised just before I started feeling ill, so I’m stepping back down.  I really hope this does it. My doctor said she had another patient who had similar reaction to the same medication.  It’s not going to be easy – it’s my depression medication.  Not only may my depression increase, but I’ll be paranoid about it and may even withdraw even more, if that’s possible.  You have no idea how afraid I am of being condemned and/or hated.

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

I really don’t understand.  I don’t.  Why do I have to have what other people think I should have?  What’s wrong with being content with what I have?

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Do you ever spend time wondering how things would be different if you could go back and change something?  Tom and I play the what if game all the time.  What if he had asked me out before Terry did?  What if I had talked to him on New Year’s Eve last year?  What if we could go back and change things?  Facts are we can’t.  And we certainly wouldn’t be the same people if we could.  Truth is, I’m not sure how much I would change things.  That would make who I am different.  Of course, it could be that it would be for the better, but the thing is, I doubt it.  I’ve gone through the struggles that I have for a reason.  God doesn’t let things happen that don’t get used for His glory.  I just wish, sometimes, that I had met and talked to Tom long ago – before the mess with Terry.  Being with Terry changed me for the negative.  It pops up sometimes in our relationship now.  *shrug*  I can’t change things.  I guess I just want to be the best girlfriend Tom has ever had.  And I will endeaver to do so!

Well, I’ve been talking to the Tomato recently and from what he’s been telling me Terry isn’t a very nice person these days.  He’s very negative and is using people left and right.  He has given the Tomato, as well as others, the staph infection.  The Tomato is now missing a toe.  He’s laid up in a nursing home, so I’ve been talking with him.  He also gave it to a woman in OH who had to have part of her stomach removed.  Apparently Terry is having a lot of one night stands, so who knows how many people he’s infecting.  He’s still going to work, despite having open staph sores and staph in his eyes.  His eyes!  How reckless can one person be?  Its criminal.  Terry knows he’s contagious.  He just doesn’t care.  He’s always bumming money off of people and he’s still lying and telling stories.  I’m very glad that I no longer know him.  He’s on a downward spiral and it sounds to me like he’s getting out of control.  And apparently he’s being very judgmental and telling people that they are doing things wrong and are going to hell.  Talk about hypocritical!  *shakes head*  I’m glad I no longer have to deal with him.  I just feel bad for those who do.

My view of the world is a very negative one.

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I don’t know what words to use to convey the way I’m feeling.  Physically, I still am having stomach aches, heart burn, car sickness, and head aches.  I don’t know what to do to get them to go away.  Mentally, I’m doing much worse.  Its hard to think when I’m feeling so poorly.  I don’t like life.  I don’t.  I don’t like my job.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I know I should find something.  Anything.  Right now, I hurt so much that I can’t think of anything.  I have homework from therapy and a book to read.  I’ll buy a copy next week, but this week she lent me the office copy.  The funny thing is that I’ll probably have it read before I buy it next week.  I think I’m just going to take my meds and go to bed.  I don’t have the energy (emotionally or physically) for anything else.

Stealing from Sarah

4/28 – Well, its kinda over for me. Its 8:55 pm and I’m about to go to bed. Just had work today. It was awful. I felt awful. If I had been able to, I would have gone home at about 10 am. Last 45 minutes of the day sucked horribly. I wish my supervisor would make up her mind. But, clean room, candle lighted, room lighted up, computer and kitty so much better now. If only my stomach would agree….

4/29 – Tuesday. Guess what! I’m going to that joy-filled place known as work. Once again I’ll be racing through my reports trying to get them done early enough. And helping out with wires. I wonder if Kiera will be there. She might have gone into labor this afternoon. Just what I need – my back up to go missing on me. Poor Kiera, though. She’s not due till June.

4/30 – Pay day! I get to go to all my billing websites and pay my bills. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Discover (this month and next month), MBNA (which is really Bank of America, but it was MBNA when I got the card!), and phone. Well, can’t quite pay the phone yet. The bill won’t be ready until after the 4th of May. Silly Verizon. Also find out what my employee discount will get me in the way of car insurance. If it goes like the quotes I got today, I’ll be sticking with what I have, even if it did go up $98 for no apparent reason. Oh yeah, I have therapy today. Joy.

5/1 – Just another day. Maybe getting some laundry done – my bed, I think. Though its a risky thing to do on a short night. Might have to stay up late letting it dry. Must empty the dishwasher. And it’s Thursday – trash day.

5/2 – Friday! One last day at work and I get to go home to my nice clean kitchen and room. Did I mention I cleaned up the kitchen this weekend?

5/3 – Yay! I get to sleep in. Or wake up and go back to sleep, however you want to describe it. Must work on dining room and solve the weekly dilemma – whether or not to go to Seeds. Probably won’t happen. Damn Terry.

5/4 – Maybe this Sunday I’ll wake up early enough to check out St. Stephens. Must find church. So far Mom’s liked Sharon Presby and I like St. Phillip’s. Twill be interesting to see what the service is like. If I can wake up early enough. Laundry day.

So that’s my week. It will also be cold, wet, and, thank God, not snowy. I like all the spring flowers, but ’tis almost time for them to be gone. Petals are falling. The grass in the backyard looks like it has dandruff. And the clock strikes nine o’clock. (Okay, so its a few minutes and an hour off. I won’t tell if you won’t!)

Edit: 5/2 – getting together with Knitting Mama.

He just won’t leave me alone. I keep getting emails from his new email address. Not directly from him, but from places where he’s signed my email address up to become his buddy or answer his question or do something to get him rewards. You know, all the things evil people ask you to do to your friends so they can sell your email address to spammers. Yes, my spam has greatly increased since I broke up with him (depending, of course, on which version of events you believe). I don’t think its a coincidence. My spam had fallen to all time record lows before that. I’m smart enough to know what to avoid most of the time. He’s a spammer’s best friend. Pushing all his friends that way is not a nice thing to do. Doing it to someone who wants you to leave her alone is just evil. He claims that he doesn’t have my email address – if so, then why am I getting emails based on a fishcatcher0738. That’s his new yahoo address, if I recall correctly. I managed to figure out how to block him on Facebook. Yeah, he tried adding me as a friend for the fourth time. They don’t make it simple to find out how to block someone. If I was as spiteful and immature as he says I am, I would have reported him to the Facebook authorities. But I didn’t. Maybe I’ll just have to set up a filter that moves anything from an email address containing the word fishcatcher to the trash bin. I have enough to put up with. I don’t need this kind of crap.

I feel very small and petty right now.  *sigh*

I found the rings that were going to be our wedding rings. I had Mom throw them away. It hurts.

New job – post tomorrow. All is on hold while I mourn tonight.

Sig by Sarah.