Do you ever spend time wondering how things would be different if you could go back and change something?  Tom and I play the what if game all the time.  What if he had asked me out before Terry did?  What if I had talked to him on New Year’s Eve last year?  What if we could go back and change things?  Facts are we can’t.  And we certainly wouldn’t be the same people if we could.  Truth is, I’m not sure how much I would change things.  That would make who I am different.  Of course, it could be that it would be for the better, but the thing is, I doubt it.  I’ve gone through the struggles that I have for a reason.  God doesn’t let things happen that don’t get used for His glory.  I just wish, sometimes, that I had met and talked to Tom long ago - before the mess with Terry.  Being with Terry changed me for the negative.  It pops up sometimes in our relationship now.  *shrug*  I can’t change things.  I guess I just want to be the best girlfriend Tom has ever had.  And I will endeaver to do so!

Well, I’ve been talking to the Tomato recently and from what he’s been telling me Terry isn’t a very nice person these days.  He’s very negative and is using people left and right.  He has given the Tomato, as well as others, the staph infection.  The Tomato is now missing a toe.  He’s laid up in a nursing home, so I’ve been talking with him.  He also gave it to a woman in OH who had to have part of her stomach removed.  Apparently Terry is having a lot of one night stands, so who knows how many people he’s infecting.  He’s still going to work, despite having open staph sores and staph in his eyes.  His eyes!  How reckless can one person be?  Its criminal.  Terry knows he’s contagious.  He just doesn’t care.  He’s always bumming money off of people and he’s still lying and telling stories.  I’m very glad that I no longer know him.  He’s on a downward spiral and it sounds to me like he’s getting out of control.  And apparently he’s being very judgmental and telling people that they are doing things wrong and are going to hell.  Talk about hypocritical!  *shakes head*  I’m glad I no longer have to deal with him.  I just feel bad for those who do.

My view of the world is a very negative one.

(more…)

I don’t know what words to use to convey the way I’m feeling.  Physically, I still am having stomach aches, heart burn, car sickness, and head aches.  I don’t know what to do to get them to go away.  Mentally, I’m doing much worse.  Its hard to think when I’m feeling so poorly.  I don’t like life.  I don’t.  I don’t like my job.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I know I should find something.  Anything.  Right now, I hurt so much that I can’t think of anything.  I have homework from therapy and a book to read.  I’ll buy a copy next week, but this week she lent me the office copy.  The funny thing is that I’ll probably have it read before I buy it next week.  I think I’m just going to take my meds and go to bed.  I don’t have the energy (emotionally or physically) for anything else.

Stealing from Sarah

4/28 - Well, its kinda over for me. Its 8:55 pm and I’m about to go to bed. Just had work today. It was awful. I felt awful. If I had been able to, I would have gone home at about 10 am. Last 45 minutes of the day sucked horribly. I wish my supervisor would make up her mind. But, clean room, candle lighted, room lighted up, computer and kitty so much better now. If only my stomach would agree….

4/29 - Tuesday. Guess what! I’m going to that joy-filled place known as work. Once again I’ll be racing through my reports trying to get them done early enough. And helping out with wires. I wonder if Kiera will be there. She might have gone into labor this afternoon. Just what I need - my back up to go missing on me. Poor Kiera, though. She’s not due till June.

4/30 - Pay day! I get to go to all my billing websites and pay my bills. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Discover (this month and next month), MBNA (which is really Bank of America, but it was MBNA when I got the card!), and phone. Well, can’t quite pay the phone yet. The bill won’t be ready until after the 4th of May. Silly Verizon. Also find out what my employee discount will get me in the way of car insurance. If it goes like the quotes I got today, I’ll be sticking with what I have, even if it did go up $98 for no apparent reason. Oh yeah, I have therapy today. Joy.

5/1 - Just another day. Maybe getting some laundry done - my bed, I think. Though its a risky thing to do on a short night. Might have to stay up late letting it dry. Must empty the dishwasher. And it’s Thursday - trash day.

5/2 - Friday! One last day at work and I get to go home to my nice clean kitchen and room. Did I mention I cleaned up the kitchen this weekend?

5/3 - Yay! I get to sleep in. Or wake up and go back to sleep, however you want to describe it. Must work on dining room and solve the weekly dilemma - whether or not to go to Seeds. Probably won’t happen. Damn Terry.

5/4 - Maybe this Sunday I’ll wake up early enough to check out St. Stephens. Must find church. So far Mom’s liked Sharon Presby and I like St. Phillip’s. Twill be interesting to see what the service is like. If I can wake up early enough. Laundry day.

So that’s my week. It will also be cold, wet, and, thank God, not snowy. I like all the spring flowers, but ’tis almost time for them to be gone. Petals are falling. The grass in the backyard looks like it has dandruff. And the clock strikes nine o’clock. (Okay, so its a few minutes and an hour off. I won’t tell if you won’t!)

Edit: 5/2 - getting together with Knitting Mama.

He just won’t leave me alone. I keep getting emails from his new email address. Not directly from him, but from places where he’s signed my email address up to become his buddy or answer his question or do something to get him rewards. You know, all the things evil people ask you to do to your friends so they can sell your email address to spammers. Yes, my spam has greatly increased since I broke up with him (depending, of course, on which version of events you believe). I don’t think its a coincidence. My spam had fallen to all time record lows before that. I’m smart enough to know what to avoid most of the time. He’s a spammer’s best friend. Pushing all his friends that way is not a nice thing to do. Doing it to someone who wants you to leave her alone is just evil. He claims that he doesn’t have my email address - if so, then why am I getting emails based on a fishcatcher0738. That’s his new yahoo address, if I recall correctly. I managed to figure out how to block him on Facebook. Yeah, he tried adding me as a friend for the fourth time. They don’t make it simple to find out how to block someone. If I was as spiteful and immature as he says I am, I would have reported him to the Facebook authorities. But I didn’t. Maybe I’ll just have to set up a filter that moves anything from an email address containing the word fishcatcher to the trash bin. I have enough to put up with. I don’t need this kind of crap.

I feel very small and petty right now.  *sigh*

I found the rings that were going to be our wedding rings. I had Mom throw them away. It hurts.

New job - post tomorrow. All is on hold while I mourn tonight.

Sig by Sarah.

I was going to try to update everyday this year, but I’ve missed days. I guess that’s out of the question. New Year’s Eve went well. I had to work (blech) but I did end up driving out to Ebensburg and then Johnstown for the celebration. Its a tradition - coathaning at a far away Eat N’Park to bring in the new year. Most of the time it was at Weirton, but this year Johnstown. I think we’ll be going back to Weirton next year - Johnstown was a bit of a disappointment. I have pictures, which will most likely go up on Facebook…oh wait, I gave all the pics to Megan so they area already up there. I told them at the New Years Eve “party” that all I wanted was for Terry to leave me alone at the banquet. I didn’t want him to have to not come or me to have to not come, I just wanted him to leave me alone. I thought I was safe because he was over a half hour late. I guess several people talked to him because he didn’t bug me. He talked to the people around me, which didn’t go all that well since they know he was to leave me alone and aren’t too pleased with him anyways. I had fun, took pictures, and lost one of my gloves. I love those gloves - thinsulate driving gloves that were pretty darn warm. I’ve got some old leather ones that mom had but its just not the same. So the day after New Year’s Day I’m at work and low and behold I get an email. From Terry. Telling me that I looked good even with the short hair and thanking me for not letting him go to the NYE thing because I didn’t want him there. *shrug* This was news to me since no one I know had said anything to him about not coming out NYE. I’m sure they certainly would have mentioned. Not to mention that he doesn’t have transportation so I’m not sure how he thought he was going to get there anyways. So I emailed him back told him he was welcome and that I appreciated him leaving me alone and wish he would continue to do so even in email. An hour or so later I get a reply stating that I was astoundingly immature (and amazingly enough he spelled astounding and immature correctly) and that I look like “a dyke with my hair short”. Terry’s theory is that all women with short hair are lesbians. So much for me looking nice, eh? But that was my last day with Coventry so he will no longer be able to harrass me by email. Woohoo! I survived my bus trip the next morning. Luckily a nice lady named Eve helped me. She even was able to tell me how to get to the building I was going to. Luckily I decided not to spend the day in the city because I came home and promptly got sick. The flu. Blech. Why is it every time I get a flu shot, I get the flu? And the years I don’t get the flu shot, I do? *shakes head* So I spent all yesterday feeling horrible. And most of today sleeping. My stomach still isn’t very happy with me right now and I’m feeling like I need some water. Actually, I want a coke icee. I like coke icees. My mommy got me one last night when I was sick and I was able to keep it down. First thing all day. Mommies are very good to have around. But more about life tomorrow. I’m too tired to write any more tonight.

The end of a year. Its been a long year, though its gone quickly. I think the biggest thing is that I lost a fiance. Its not such a bad thing. He’s hurt me a lot and he won’t let go. I’m probably going to see him in the next few days and I dread it. I don’t want to come into contact with him. I know I’m still vulnerable to his tale telling. I had it thrown in my face pretty severely that he lies and tells tales. It hurt me deeply. People know I don’t want to run into him. He knows I don’t want to have contact with him. Its changed my life, and not in a good way. I lost a church that I loved. I miss out on Seeds events. I don’t go into that part of the city much. I’ve blocked his emails and his im names on all of my personal emails and instant messengers. I can’t block him at work. He’s been emailing me. He’s wanted me to tell him details of the banquet. To grow up and get over it already. To talk to him and “be his friend”. Just because I was able to do that with Ian doesn’t mean that I can do it with him. Ian’s honest and trustworthy. I knew he would not try to hurt me. I can’t say that about Terry. He’s already pretty blatently ignored my wishes. He insults me and swears at me every time I tell him to leave me alone. Its another one of the reasons why I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to have to face that kind of attack. I don’t think he cares enough to not do it if I say or do something that he does not like. I’m tired. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want a confrontation. I just don’t know if I can avoid one with the banquet and Johnstown trip.