Now I’ve found out via Facebook that he’s dating someone new.  He’ll be with her until she breaks off the relationship because he never will no matter how bad things are.  He never has broken up with anyone.   I resent the fact that he was so much better off when we broke and I will be paying for it for years and now he has someone new, while I sitting knowing that no one is going to ever want me.  No one will put up with the difficulties.  It will be about three years before I’m out of debt and I’m not going to date someone before that.  It ends up being to damn expensive.  Maybe if I was happy or joyful or content, but I’m not.  I live on a roller coaster that I wish I could get off but don’t think I ever will.  I live with pain that I am told has no cause but oftentimes limits what I can and cannot do.  I have to learn how to live with it and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

I got down to one medication, and that medication is one that was increasingly my appetite and one that I did not want to be on. I was unable to go straight off of that medication due to the fact that it appeared the depression symptoms were increasing as that medication was decreasing. So as I discontinued that medication we began to put me on Zoloft. Unfortunately, Zoloft made me extremely carsick. At that point we decide to try me on Celexa. After initial starting dose of 20 mg we increased it to 40 since it did not appear that the initial dose was working. After the increase in medication my depression increased exponentially. We immediately lower the medication back to 20 mg and began Wellbutrin. One of the things that irritates me the most is that my previous psychiatrist had me taking 60 mg of Celexa along with the many other medications so that it was impossible tell that the Celexa was making me much worse.

As we stepped up the Wellbutrin over time I began getting a benefit to my mood. Around the time of my birthday we made one last increase in the medication. Around the same time I began having hot flashes, stomach irritation, headaches, and a general feeling of bad health. Several months later I saw my psychiatrist again and she told me that my reaction matched one of her other patients who had been on the same medication. As instructed, I lowered the medication and immediately began to feel better. This too was frustrating because it was also one of the many medications that I have been on with the previous psychiatrist.

At my next appointment we decided that SSRI antidepressants were not good for me. We decided that I would discontinue the Wellbutrin and begin a medication known as Lamictal. This medication was slightly dangerous and needed to slowly be built up in the system. I was started on a non-therapeutic dose of 25 mg and instructed to start taking it once a day. After about a week or so I was to begin taking it twice a day. Lamictal has an extremely long half-life and takes a long while to drain out of your system as well as to build up in it. Wellbutrin, on the other hand, has a short half-life and leaves the system fairly quickly. I stop the Wellbutrin with little effect. Increasing the Lamictal, however, presented a problem.

After about a week, I was feeling extremely drowsy, but on the other hand my mood was was fairly good. I decided that since I was still not taking a therapeutic level dose to do something that most would consider slightly reckless. I decided to step down on the Lamictal and see what type of difference it would make. I began on a weekend to try and make it so that any withdrawal symptoms be worse on the weekend. In less than a week, I was no longer taking the Lamictal. I started keeping track in Facebook for the first several days and how my mood was doing and how the day went. The days actually went fairly well; better than I expected. I mood state fairly consistent for most the day. Only at points when I was having what I considered withdrawal symptoms i.e. a headache and some achiness and grogginess,space did I have any mood problems. Also, these new problems were nothing compared to the mood things I was having on the medication. One of the side effects of the medication was mood swings. It also occurred during times when it was especially stressful due to my work. Since my work week ended, I’ve only had increased irritability when I was in pain. For the most part, my mood has been good, I have been happy, and I have had a lots of energy. I know I still have a couple of weeks before I am sure that the medication is out of my system, the Lamictal is more of an anti-seizure medication and less of an antidepressant. In fact, it is usually prescribed for seizures and bipolar disorder, not depression. Because of that, I am torn between being irritated that was on medication that it’s looking like I did not need, and being glad that I don’t seem to need it anymore.

I know that this story is not typical. I also know that I did need to be on medication 10 years ago when this all began. There is no doubt in my mind that I have suffered from major depressive disorder. Unfortunately, there is also no doubt in my mind I was on medication that I did not need to be on for no good reason. There was no reason to put me on anti-anxiety medication. I certainly don’t recommend going off medication without doctor supervision. However, I also recommend being with a psychiatrist to only continually adds medications without questioning their efficacy the reason for taking them. The only sign of anxiety I ever showed was a night that I was checking myself into the hospital. I think is quite natural for the 21-year-old young woman to be nervous going into a psychiatric ward of a hospital for the first time. I may have needed to be on the medication that night, but there is no reason to continue me on it. Before that night I have had no symptoms of anxiety, only symptoms of depression. I also disagree now with the decision of the psychiatrist before my current one to put me on multiple medications at once and so discontinue one that did not appear to be working. In fact, the only time we ever discontinue the medication was on my insurance discontinued its coverage of that medication. And even then, we switch to what was considered to be the equivalent medication that was covered. Once the cover switch back we switch back to the first medication which is happened to be the medication Celexa.

I will be carefully monitoring my mood next several weeks. It looks like things are getting worse than I will go back on the Lamictal or I will call my psychiatrist for advice on a different medication. I am not against being on medication. I never have been. However, I don’t want to be a medication that I don’t need to be on. I was certainly prefer not need medication, however I need to be on it I will be.

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

Today I did the first day of the first week of the Cool Running Couch-to-5K.  Well, that was the plan.  I only did about half.  I did the 15 minute brisk walk warm up, 5 60-second runs, 4 90-second walks, and the 5 minute cool down walk.  I didn’t understand something.  He said six intervals. I thought it was 6 run/walk sets.  I got to the end of the fifth run and he told me I was halfway done.  At that point I was exhausted, red faced, sweating profusely, unsteady on my legs, and feeling very sick to my stomach so I fast forwarded to the 5 minute cool down walk.  Yeah, somehow I don’t think I’ll be ready to do a 5K in 2 months.  Oh well, I don’t have one scheduled to run so I can work up to it.  I do wonder how long I’ll be doing week one.  Since I am going to be regularly working 12.5 hour days, I’ll be planning on doing 2 runs a week – one on Friday and one on Sunday.  I might be able to squeeze a third one in depending on how much OT is offered during the week.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do on the weekends we have the  June running clinic with the Pittsburgh Charity Runners and Walkers, which is on next Saturday morning.  I might have to not do that, which would suck.  I need to do some type of exercise and I know that running is a good one.  I might do something on my Mom’s XL Glider during the week.

I also got my contacts on Monday.  Shocked the heck out of me considering I got 5-7 day shipping and had ordered them on Saturday.  1-800-Contacts used through Wal-Mart rocks!  There wasn’t even a whole business day in between the two!  I got the Acuvue Oasys with Hydraclear Plus that I’ve had before and no problems.  I had tried the Air Optix Night & Day lenses but they irritated my right eye.  I loved being able to wear them all day and all night, but I had at least two areas in my right eye that would swell when I tried to wear them.  I waited months to be sure the eye was totally healed and I haven’t had a problem yet.  I’ve been wearing them more than I haven’t been wearing them.

I have already been feeling like there’s something wrong with me. People at work do not talk to me. Not unless they have to. When I was in training, the other two trainees ignored me. Only the leads and supervisors talk to me most days. Sometimes people nod at me or will say hi as they pass me in the hall way. The van drivers talk to me more than my co-workers. I spend usually less than 15 minutes with them. I keep wondering why they don’t like me. I wonder why I’m beneath their notice.
It doesn’t stop there. My friends. My RL friends rarely talk with me. I’m on Facebook with many of them. It’s rare that they respond to anything I say. I comment on their posts and they’re basically ignored. I try to talk with people and get ignored. I ask if things are okay and I can see that they’re online, but they don’t bother answering till the next day, often when I’m asleep or at work. I try. I try to cut back on my depressive posts. It’s hard, but I really don’t say anywhere near as much as I could. There are a lot of times when I don’t say what I think about things because I don’t want to upset them. I try to interact. I was making plans. I did last weekend. I went to F Cubed. That’s hard for me considering the spiritual and emotional place I’m in right now. I expect them all to be angry with me for what I did to Tom. Especially after my appointment only two days earlier. I don’t know that they’re not. Whether or not it’s necessarily factual, I *know* I’m less important than he is. I *know* I’m less important than everyone. I *know* I don’t matter. Emotions aren’t rational. I want to be there for people, but I’m not good enough. I’m only good enough when there’s absolutely no one else.

It’s hard. My jaw hurts most of the day every day. It’s extremely hard to eat and last night it made it extremely difficult to sleep. That constant pain can be difficult. It’s draining. Only reading and listening to my audiobooks seem to block it. I also had bouts of nausea on Thursday. I’m going to have to work next Friday. That’s depressing. At least my shift doesn’t normally work on Fridays and those that do tend to work in the morning. Why, I don’t know. Of course, they don’t normally work till 230 the same morning. *shrug* I’m wearing myself out and I know it. I know I’m pulling in. I can feel it. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know that it matters that I do. I just keep asking myself and God what’s wrong with me?

I was actually totally off meds for almost two weeks, but between everything in my life falling apart and the depression, I decided to start taking Wellbutrin.  Unlike the last two it hasn’t (yet) made me more depressed or motion sick.  Nor has it increased my appetite.  I’m actually eating less now than I was before.  I’m thinking that once I get to Mom’s I might start the Couch to 5K program. Although, since I’ll be working at least 50 hours a week, I might not have the time or the energy.  It’s not well lit at night so I don’t know that I can run after work.  I could try doing it before work. Now that I’m not getting up at 4:30 am I have energy in the morning.  Yeah, I do a lot better on a 2pm to 12:30 am schedule.  I could do a video before work then.  Mom won’t be home so I won’t be disturbing her.

I didn’t talk to anyone on the phone between 3/27 and 4/2.  Unless you count the OT line, but that’s a recording so I don’t.  I didn’t have much interaction with people.  I did next two people and made plans for Saturday.  I worked my tail off.  I was alone, but you know what?  I wasn’t lonely.  I didn’t cry all week.  I didn’t get angry.  I didn’t argue with anyone.  I almost feel guilty, but I didn’t miss Tom.  I must be a cold bitch to feel that way.  Friday I had an appointment with Melissa.  She was shocked that I broke up with Tom.  Shocked.  When I explained she said that she was glad that I was standing up for myself.  I was thinking and this is the first time in years that I’ve done that consistently.  I’m not the person I was a year ago.  Getting rid of the over abundance of meds has made a difference.

I feel like I have to learn who I am again.  I have to find out what I like and what I want to do.  I’m actually interested in doing things.  I made plans this past weekend and saw people.  People said I was different.  I am.  I have to find out where I’m going and what I want to do.  I’ve made changes in my life recently and I think I will be making more changes.  I’m not going to put with what I have in the past.  I’m not going to continually go out of my way for people who won’t help me.  Some of the things that go to me, don’t.  Some of the things I let go by, I no longer do.  I’m going to keep going and see where this takes me.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.

So you all know about Tom, but you probably don’t know what’s been going on with me.  Let’s start out with depression. I’ve been trying to find something that works for months.   Zoloft was the last one and a week or two ago I started getting incredibly motion sick when I was driving.  So as of last Saturday, I’ve not been taking any antidepressants.  Let me just say that withdrawal sucks.  The withdrawal from the Zoloft in particular.  I think that I’m still feeling some after affects of it.  I did see Dr. Cutlip today and I do have some stuff at the pharmacy, but getting it isn’t a priority.  I’m going to try going without for another week or so.  I’ve been medicated for over 10 years and I want to see how I am without it.  So far it’s been going okay.  I was actually a lot worse on the Celexa.

Of course, that’s not the only thing that’s been going on.  This following paragraph may contain TMI for some of you, especially the males in the audience. (Wait, do I even have males in my audience?  I really don’t know….)  Since I tried Yaz last summer I’ve been having horrible, horrible menstrual cramps – mostly in the back but sometimes in the abdomen as well.  I did go back to the original med, but that didn’t help.  For another reason altogether I switched to a more high estrogen birth control and again, no change.  I’ve complained about it every time I’ve seen my doc.  Last time I saw her she said it can take 3 cycles for the meds to help (not that it ever has taken that long before) and she told me that she would prescribe some Cataflam (she didn’t – I ended up with meloxicam).  For months on her recommendation I’ve been taking the drug of the moment starting several days before the period and cramping starts and it hasn’t helped.  I’ve tried etodolac, meloxicam, Tylenol, and ibuprofen and it doesn’t seem to help.  Only heat or the whim of the uterus seems to make a difference.  Finally, out of frustration than anything else, seh sent me for a pelvic ultrasound.  I had it Friday (oh yeah, that was interesting) and I got the call from the doctor yesterday.  Well, I guess I would have to say Wednesday now though I haven’t gone to bed yet.  I was told that it showed fluid in my pelvis probably from a ruptured cyst and that if I had pain with my next period I should make an appointment with my gynecologist.  Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your view of the world), it’s that week.  I wasted no time and called Dr. Labuda.  Now the practice that takes over a month for a colposcopy and three+ months to schedule an annual exam got me in tomorrow.  Two days.  Yeah, they’re not worried or anything.  Nothing serious there.  So yeah, I’ve been in terrible pain the past couple of days.  My uterus seems to be working incredibly hard at times.  There’s only one problem – I’ve had more blood from paper cuts than I have this period.  Although a little bit more showed up tonight.  Not even close to normal.  Wonderful – another thing to worry about.  And though I don’t know that it’s related, I do know it’s not typical of me that I’ve become very bloated.  As in up a pant size bloated.  I was bloated for my doc appointment and I had actually lost 0.6 lbs.  Someone please explain that to me.  Oh, did I mention that WebMd says next to nothing about ruptured ovarian cysts and absolutely nothing about having severe menstrual cramps but not having anything to show for it?  Nope, not able to put my mind at ease that way.

So yeah, I have to get up at the crack of dawn (for me), drive Tom to his MRI, go to the doctor, hopefully get Tom from the MRI, drop him off at home and then go work for 5.5+ hours.  Not to mention that I might have to make another appointment for something else or even go to the hospital (yes, that was brought up by a nurse friend of mine).  I’m sceduled to work 6.5 hours tomorrow and 3 hours on Sunday, if OT is approved and I don’t have  a health reason to not go in.  Somebody shoot me now and get it over with.

It started out innocently enough.  I though it was my PMS acting up.  You know, getting me down, etc.  It wasn’t all that bad, though it was noticeable.  The next week I got sick.  I mean really sick.  I left work early on Monday, January 4.  I was definitely sick because going home that day cost me my the holiday pay from New Year’s Day.  Medco has a rule that you have to work 9 hours and 55 minutes the day before and the day after a holiday to get the holiday pay.  (Although if you do have the day scheduled off  ahead of time you do get the holiday.  Same if they offer VTO that day.)  I thought that caused the downess (is that a word?  Spell check says no.  Oh well, I’m using it anyways!) that week.  I saw my psychiatrist that week on Thursday and told her things were pretty much okay although we did raise the Celexa (or citalopram, if you prefer the generic name) for the week before and of my period and we added trazodone since the Celexa was causing me to twitch when I tried to go to sleep and wake up several times in the morning.  However, by the end of the time I saw my therapist on Friday I was not doing so great.  The following Monday I saw my psychiatrist again.  We decided try canceling the trazodone and start Ambien.  I saw Melissa again that Friday.  I still wasn’t doing well.  I was cryey (yes, another made up word!), lacked self confidence and self esteem, and was much more sensitive.  I’m generally a sensitive person, but it gets worse when the depression gets worse.  Then I got my period.  Oh God, the pain.  Nothing seem to help but heat.  I was unable to do taxes Saturday night and spent all day Sunday in bed on the heating pad.  I can’t take ibuprofen so no Advil, Aleve, etc.  *sigh*  I tried etodolac, but it didn’t seem to help.  Luckily the worst part was on Saturday and Sunday, both days on which I do not work.  I’m actually thinking of asking for something stronger for next time.  Vicodin, maybe.  Yeah, it’s that bad.  That was the weekend.

Monday was great.  I was feeling fine (okay, I had some residual pain, but nothing like the weekend) and was feeling better.  I never got the Ambien so I figured it wasn’t the trazodone that was causing the problem.  (I had wondered about that, considering how my symptoms disappeared once I stopped taking certain medications on a regular basis.)  Wednesday I saw Melissa and discussed it and we agreed that it didn’t seem to be the problem.  It was a hectic week.  On Monday they made an announcement that overtime was desperately needed and that if they didn’t reach the 20% mark that they would have to mandate overtime.  So I signed up for 11 hours that week during weekdays and was considering working on the weekend, especially Sunday.  Why Sunday?  They give doubletime on Sundays for any week you work 8 hours of overtime Monday through Saturday on.  When I found out that Tom had decided to work that weekend so he could get more money and 2700 miles (a record, legal high for him) i thought great! Extra money!  It would really work out.  It didn’t.

Thursday started out as an okay day.  I was more stressed than usual since I had worked 4 hours of OT already.  Then we had Wow awards.  A lot of people diss the Wow awards but they do mean something to me.  Two people who don’t like me both got awards for something I do all the time.  One of them I do several times a day, even several times a shift.  I, however, don’t have tons of friends so I don’t really get nominated for a Wow unless I ask for it.  I even do more than that to help the customers get what they want.  It kinda made me angry which of course got suppressed and turned into depression.  By my 8:45 pm break, I was starting to stutter.  I’ve stuttered with my depression before so I knew it was that.  All week (and the week before) I had been escaping from my seat to the bathroom to spend a few minutes reading.  No, not the most diligent, but when you’re trying to keep from falling apart on the floor with people who are mean and don’t like you a few seats down, you do whatever works.  After my last break at 11 pm, I went to the bathroom and texted Tom. I basically asked him (okay, begged him) if it would be okay if I didn’t do OT the next day.  My ability to make decisions that may upset someone goes down to almost nil when I’m depressed.  Okay, that might have been before my last break.  Actually, I think it was.  My memory also suffers when my depression gets worse.  I also tend to have problems finding words, although that hasn’t really shown up this time.  After my last break, I started shaking.  I had been jumping, but it got worse.  I was starting to lose it, so I headed to the private bathroom to call Mom.  We decided that I definitely shouldn’t work on Friday and that I shouldn’t work post shift ot that night.  Mom told me to call her when I got home.  Then I called Tom. I was scared and feeling alone and just wanted reassurance and love.  Big mistake that I won’t make again.  He was sleepy and almost immediately told me to go to the hospital.  *sigh*  I didn’t need a hospital.  I needed support.  I managed to get him off the phone, cried a little bit more, and went out to find a lead or supervisor to cancel my ot.  I felt like such a failure.  A complete failure.  I hate it when I can’t do what I said I’d do, but I couldn’t help it.  I really couldn’t.

I’ve been stuttering on and off all weekend.  Sometimes I can force myself to not stutter, but it takes a lot of work.  I’ve never stuttered this bad before.  I was hoping a weekend of relaxation would cure the stuttering and I would just have to get through another week.  Hasn’t happened.  I’ve done a couple things to make me happier.  I got nails put on with a really cool prismatic purple polish.  I also got a haircut. I want to get contacts, but I chickened out on Friday.  I’ll have to try again next week.  I don’t see either Melissa or Dr. Cutlip next week.  I will be calling Dr. Cutlip.  The downward turn might have been caused be the cessation of the risperidone.  The doc told me it takes about 3 months to get stuff out of your system.  I stopped it in the middle of November.   It’s about 2 and 1/2 months now.  That could definitely be it, but I don’t want to go back on it if I don’t have to.  I lost between 15 and 20 pounds in about a month when I went off of it.  It took all summer to lose the other 15 or so pounds, just as a comparison.  I don’t know what we’ll put me on or I’ll get just an antidepressant or both an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication.  I’m scared. I don’t think I’ll talk to anyone at work until I stop stuttering.  Well, if I can help it.  I’m miserable.  I’m lonely.  I’m not very fond of life right now.  I hope this improves. Quickly.