I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

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How prepared are you for an emergency?  How often does your place of work have fire drills? Tornado drills? Do you know what to do in a flood? How would you get out of your house in an emergency?  Do you know the fastest ways to get to the exits?  What would happen if you couldn’t get out that way?  Do you have any way of marking your children’s rooms so that emergency responders know where to go first?  Do you have Mr. Yuck stickers, cabinet locks, and baby gates?  Do your children know what to do if there’s a fire?  Do you have a fire drill at home?  Where would your family meet if you got separated?  Do you have a contact person if there’s an emergency and you can’t be reached?

Remember September 11, 2001?  Did you know that the majority of the employees of Morgan Stanley got out alive?  We’re talking over 80%.  Why did they get out when so many people didn’t?  Experts say that it was due to the fact that over the past three years the gentleman in charge of security put his colleagues through a consistent and fairly rigorous series of fire drills.  The employees, especially the long time employees, knew where the exits were, where the stairs were, what it was like to go down the stairs, and where to meet after they got out of the building.  That man, who’s name I do not know, is credited with saving many lives.  Does your employer do drills?  When was the last time you had one?  Do you know the emergency plans for your company?  They should have them.  You should know them.  I encourage you to talk to the people you work for and encourage them to get this knowledge out.  It may just save your life.

It’s the first day of the new year.  Many of you have new homes, new family members, etc. Make plans. Check your escapes. Check you fire alarms.  It’s a proven fact that having some sort of plan and having practiced that plan can make the difference between life and death in a serious situation.  It’s a pain and can take time away from other things, but if you ever have to use it, it could save your life or the life of someone you love. Do you really want to deal with the possible consequences of not knowing what to do?

Have a healthy, happy, and safe new year!!

I mentioned in September in this post that I had lost 13 lbs over the summer, which is great. I have continued to lose weight since then. Once I got off of my risperidal I did a search at work to find out about risperdal (something I now know I have access to). I had noticed something odd a few days after I stopped taking the med. I stopped enjoying the salads. (Okay, originally I thought it was the flu I caught. I went home sick my first week out on the floor and missed another day due to it. Luckily the only time I threw up was on the way home from work. And I manged to get out of the car before that happened.). I would take a bite of the salad and couldn’t eat. I tried changing lettuce mixtures and it was no help. I was still eating my apples and the ham from my salads but that was it. I also wasn’t as hungry. The apple and the ham and the second apple I had on my last break would last me for the rest of the night. I wasn’t eating once I got home from work either. Well, when I looked up the risperidal I discovered that it increases your appetite. You could have pushed me over with a feather when I saw that one. These days I’m eating two pieces of Italian bread with butter and an apple for dinner. (Yeah, so much for my low carb diet!) I have had some popcorn on my first break and an apple on my last break and a couple of pieces of candy and that’s about it. I went out to dinner with Mom on Friday and I could finish my steak. And it was only a 7 oz steak. I ate almost none of my fries, although I did eat a bunch of mozzarella sticks. It’s one of the few ways I’ll actually eat cheese. I had been in size 18 jeans over the summer and several weeks back when I was at Mom’s I grabbed some size 16’s and a bunch of nice blouses from my Mellon job which at that point either fit or almost fit me. About a week after that I switch to wearing the size 16’s. They got very baggy very quickly. Also the end of my belt was sticking out very far. Way too long for the first belt loop, but not quite long enough for the second. Friday I put on the size 14 jeans I had grabbed from Mom’s and they fit. Woohoo! I bought a smaller belt (went from a 42” to a 38”) and when I got back to mom’s I weighed myself. Since May (or so) I have lost a grand total of 31 lbs! That’s a not so small dog. Or three + Jack’s:

The most amazing thing is that I have done nothing except get off my meds. I have exercised exactly twice (and one of those the hot water went off during so I got to take a cold shower that night). Exercising is not one of my strong points. I have not been following my low carb diet very well at all. (I’m hoping that the weight loss with help with the triglycerides.) I have just stopped taking the meds. I also have not gained any weight since starting the Celexa, so that wasn’t the drug that was causing the problems with my weight. It’s so exciting. My face has thinned out and I can wear clothes I have worn in over a year. My face is no longer round! Getting off of the meds wasn’t easy for me or my family. Tom bore the brunt of it and he held up remarkably well. No, it was most certainly not easy. But it paid off. It was worth it.

On to update number two, my health. As I’m sure most of you know, I was going off of my meds. Remember this quote from an earlier blog post?

Warning: This may not apply to everyone. This is just what happened to me. Every person is different and due to severe reactions which may occur (which did happen to my friend Leslie) consult with a doctor before discontinuing any form of your medication. When I ran out of the clonopin before I was able to refill it I went through withdrawal. I was stupid (yes, I’ll admit it. It was very stupid.) and did not refill it right away. Once I got through the withdrawal I decided to see if I really needed the anti anxiety medication after all. I live five minutes from the pharmacy and could go there at any point to get them filled if I had an attack, so I decided to wait. And you won’t believe what I noticed – all my symptoms disappeared. All the problems I’d been having with depression and anxiety went away. To this day, I have not had a single problem with anxiety. So I compounded my stupidity and since the doctors in the hospital had decided to cut most of my meds with no slow down, so did I. Of course, I weaned myself off of the pills. I cut down what I was taking week by week until I was taking nothing. I watched carefully and not once did I have a problem that wasn’t related directly to finances. I had missed an appt with my psychiatrist but I wasn’t worried. The only pill that stopping made me really sick and unable to complete was the risperdal. So I went back on it.

Well, I saw my psychiatrist again and she agreed to let me off the risperidal. I went down to one-half of a pill, then one-quarter, then none. As I was doing this my irritation level was increasing and so was my anger. I was always irritated and often angry. My Mom’s therapist told her that anger is often a sign of depression. The day I went off the last of the risperdal, I called VBHA and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. The following Thursday I got up at the crack of dawn and went to see her. I’m currently taking 20 mg of Celexa, which is one of the mildest antidepressants and known for having the least amount of side affects. My irritation is gone. I have more normal anger now. I get easily irritated when I’m over heated, for the most part. And Melissa said that the meds would make no difference with my anger. Ha! My dry mouth is back (although that does seem to be fading somewhat) and I’m having trouble staying asleep in the morning. I do have a little bit of trouble falling asleep, but between the hours of 9 am and 11:30 am I get very poor sleep and I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t think I want to go on sleeping meds again. I’m hoping it will get better.

I will say this for those of you who are confused.  I didn’t get off of my medications simply because I no longer wanted to be on them.  It was much more complicated than that.  I was put on anti-anxiety medications when I was placed in the hospital in 2001 because I was shaking in the ER when I was admitted.  I was scared.  I think most people with a modicom of sense would have been in my position.  I was never taken off of it.  When I ran out in March and stopped taking it on my own, my breakthrough anxiety and depression simply disappeared.  Since taking me off most of my meds cold turkey in December (when I went in the hospital the second time) had little affect on me and since I had no breakthrough symptoms I decided to go off of them as well.  I didn’t want to be on what I didn’t need to be on.  I had been having breakthrough symptoms ever since I left the hospital the first time.  We kept increasing dosages and adding medications.  It always broke through.  Since, in March, I was convinced it was the anti-anxiety drugs which were causing the breakthrough symptoms, I wanted to see if I truly needed all of those meds.  Turns out, in my case, I did not.  I was always willing to go back on the medications if I needed them.  I wanted to see if I did and to see what symptoms were truly mine and what were the by-products of the medications.  It’s not for everyone.  It’s not something to do rashly.  There are many, many people in the world who need these medications and need many different medications to get through the depression.  My situation is not typical.  That’s that.

In my last post I mentioned the tooth incident. Well, one day during training I was eating my salad for lunch when I started chewing on something hard. It was a couple of pieces of stuff in my mouth. Part of it was metal attached to part of a tooth and the other chunk was pure metal. My tooth had broken in half and the root canal had fallen out. *sigh* I had a sharp edge and went to see my dentist. He said the other half had to come out and drilled down the sharp edge. A month later I went to see the oral surgeon. It was amusing. He walks in and asks me what hurts. My response? Nothing. Oh, the look on his face! He then asked me why I was there and I said I had half a tooth that needed to come out. He put me out (my decision and much easier on my TMJ), numbed me up, and Tom took me home. Tom couldn’t stay with me (idiot trucking company) so Mom came over and stayed with me the rest of the day. It was Friday the thirteenth. My cheek hurt the most. I hurt for about a week. My teeth in front of that tooth hurt some as well. But my TMJ never acted up. Woohoo!! Now to see whether Delta will cover the iv sedation. I’m not too hopeful on that score.

Last week I had a blood test.  A lipid panel and a fasting blood sugar.  I don’t have diabetes, thank God.  Well, at least not yet.  I do have high triglycerides.  Normal triglycerides are 150-199.  High is 200-499.  Mine was around 416.  Not good.  So I have orders from my doctor.  30 minutes of exercise daily and a low carb diet.  I don’t want to be on a low carb diet.  I like carbs!  My favorite food is pasta.  No more pasta for me.  Chocolate, cakes, cookies – all things I love.  Now against the rules.  So I had to go grocery shopping.  Can’t use the tuna help I got for me.  Ground beef, hamburgers, chicken, asparagus, apples, green peppers, ranch dressing, steamed veggies, and Rubbermaid containers.  Tomorrow I’m going to Giant Eagle and I’ll be buying bags of salad (on sale bogo), strawberries (again, bogo), and ham.  I’m sure I’ll think of it.  I’m going to save up for a water purifier for the tap (cheaper than bottled).  I hate diet stuff.  I can’t stand NutraSweet.  It has a horrible aftertaste. Although I am planning on buying Crystal Light.  Mom gave me a pitcher I can use for that.  I will say that all that exercising will help me to lose weight, which is one of my goals.  I had about 80 lbs I’d like to get rid of.  I lost 13 lbs over the summer (it’s amazing what happens when you get rid of pills that make you gain weight!) so I’m off to a good start.  And that was without exercising.  I’m also going to switch to whole milk.  Mom has a book on a low carb diet and it says no carrots, no grapes, and no low fat milk.  I have a fat/carb guide to restaurants I need to track down. I can keep that in my purse.  Did I mention that I don’t like the taste of water?  I don’t.  I drink it at work, though, so that’s a start.  Now I have to start drinking it at home.  Sometimes life just sucks.

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk.

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

The answer is yes. I think. It’s been busy around here. I’ve been working, but not working OT. I did get my bonus which means we’ll be able to pay rent this month. All my bills are paid for June and though July is started, I have to pay some more. I did see my finish my physical therapy. Yes, I’m finally done with the neck tortue. I start therapy next week. This is good, I think. I saw my phychiatrist and she yelled at me, of course. She wouldn’t let me stop the risperidol, which is what I want to do. I was told that after two to three months symptoms come back. It’s been three months, though, and my symptoms are pretty much not here. (more…)

I worked today and Tom is home. That’s difficult to deal with. I want to be home with him. *sigh* And I work tomorrow. And I do OT on Sunday. *sigh* I really do need to do OT because a) we need the money and b) I never know if VTO is going to come up. It’s a lot easier taking VTO when I have the hours to cover it.

Tom made a candlelight dinner tonight. He’s so good to me. We had chicken and buttered noodles. Then we walked to Rita’s for some Italian ice. I had custard and it was good. He had a wild cherry gelato which he liked. It looks like I may have some form of exercise induced asthma. I certainly hope not. But when I exhale when I’m breathing heavily it feels like my throat is closing up. *sigh*

Sunday we’re going to go see Clayton. I know Tom really wanted to see him and when I suggested he call Ian and see if we could come up, he went for it. So we’re going to call when we leave on Sunday. Tom’s going to drive me to work so we’ll leave right from there. He’s also driving me to work tomorrow so we can go to church. I’m always feeling too tired to drive after getting up so early. He can go home and rest.

I have to go. I want to watch the Pens game. We’re winning at the moment. I can only hope it continues. I can’t stay up for the whole game. I would have to work the weekend of the Stanley Cup finals. Go Pens!

It’s been a crazy day. I took an hour and a half of VTO (which means I’ll get an hour and a half less OT this week) today. I went grocery shopping. I got a chicken.

I’m sorry I’m not very interesting these days. I’m so cold right now that it’s hard to be creative. Not to mention the pain in my neck. It’s been worse since my visit to see the physical therapist. I’m hoping that it dies down before Monday, which is when I have my next appointment. I don’t want more pain. For goodness sake’s I went to the doctor to get help feeling better, not worse. *sigh* At least I have hot water today. I’m ready to go soak in it. Again. I can’t wait to go to sleep. To snuggle in my nice, soft, clean, and warm bed. I like to have my bedroom a tad on the cold side so I can snuggle down in bed and feel safe and warm. I think I’ll go sit in some hot water and then go to bed. Night all!