Good evening everyone!  It’s been quite a week!  I worked two 12.5 hour days, one 12 hour day, and one 10.5 hour day.  If it weren’t for traffic and no OT one night, it would have been four 12.5 hour days.  I had a fiasco with my bc prescription.  Luckily, I work for Medco so I was able to talk to someone who was able to figure out how to make it right.  After I called the dr back and they gave me the correct quantity.  *rolls eyes*  Again, luckily, I work for Medco and was able to tell the nurse that it was 4 packs in 3 months.  The first rx she sent only had 3 packs listed on it.  I’ll be getting the first three packs soon, and the my co-worker who can deal with employee rx’s is having the 4th sent as well.  I still have to get one prescription sent to Medco, but that’s a completely different doctor.  I also finally got the one from my PCP in.  They keep trying to use my health insurance number for my prescriptions and always get told that I don’t have prescription coverage.  I do, but you have to use my Medco number.  Medco manages all of my prescriptions.  I’ve only had it for 1 and a half years!

Today I did the first day of the first week of the Cool Running Couch-to-5K.  Well, that was the plan.  I only did about half.  I did the 15 minute brisk walk warm up, 5 60-second runs, 4 90-second walks, and the 5 minute cool down walk.  I didn’t understand something.  He said six intervals. I thought it was 6 run/walk sets.  I got to the end of the fifth run and he told me I was halfway done.  At that point I was exhausted, red faced, sweating profusely, unsteady on my legs, and feeling very sick to my stomach so I fast forwarded to the 5 minute cool down walk.  Yeah, somehow I don’t think I’ll be ready to do a 5K in 2 months.  Oh well, I don’t have one scheduled to run so I can work up to it.  I do wonder how long I’ll be doing week one.  Since I am going to be regularly working 12.5 hour days, I’ll be planning on doing 2 runs a week – one on Friday and one on Sunday.  I might be able to squeeze a third one in depending on how much OT is offered during the week.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do on the weekends we have the  June running clinic with the Pittsburgh Charity Runners and Walkers, which is on next Saturday morning.  I might have to not do that, which would suck.  I need to do some type of exercise and I know that running is a good one.  I might do something on my Mom’s XL Glider during the week.

I also got my contacts on Monday.  Shocked the heck out of me considering I got 5-7 day shipping and had ordered them on Saturday.  1-800-Contacts used through Wal-Mart rocks!  There wasn’t even a whole business day in between the two!  I got the Acuvue Oasys with Hydraclear Plus that I’ve had before and no problems.  I had tried the Air Optix Night & Day lenses but they irritated my right eye.  I loved being able to wear them all day and all night, but I had at least two areas in my right eye that would swell when I tried to wear them.  I waited months to be sure the eye was totally healed and I haven’t had a problem yet.  I’ve been wearing them more than I haven’t been wearing them.

My self esteem isn’t always the best. It never has been. There have been times in the past when it has been better than others, but you know what? Right now isn’t one of them. Last week’s counseling session really torpedoed it. I feel like I’m fighting against everyone. Well, almost everyone. I wasn’t feeling very strong due to illness. Nausea is hard to deal with and I had been going through it on both Wednesday and Thursday. Being told that I was too rough…just hurt. I don’t know how I was too rough. He forced the issue. I told him things that were troubling me. I’d been telling him things that bothered me. He didn’t listen. He didn’t remember. He doesn’t. We argued basically every time we were on the phone and every time he was at home. I’d tell him specific things he could do, and he didn’t do them. *sigh* Then to have her tell me that she didn’t think that “the fat lady had sung” on our relationship. What about it makes it salvageable? Just because he’s a nice guy and didn’t physically abuse me doesn’t mean that I need to be with him. I’m completely drained. Physically, emotionally, and financially. I need someone I can depend on. I want someone to be strong for me. I don’t want someone who deals with something that he knows bothers me by avoiding it and ignoring it. Anyways, the result of that Friday is that I have been feeling like a horrible person. Like someone who is mean and cruel. I like to think I’m a good person, or at least an okay person, but that. That doesn’t.
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Well, my last post was different than this post will be.  I haven’t posted yet so far because I’ve been busy.  I’ve been doing a lot of overtime.  A lot.  I will be doing a lot of overtime until at least October.  Yeah, one of the advantages of having a spreadsheet forecasting out expenses and income is that you can tell when you’re just not going to be able to make ends meet.  *sigh*  My wrists are killing me.  I worked on 16 out of the last 19 days (including today and two of the days on which I didn’t work were yesterday and today).  I have my wrist braces and have been wearing them for the most part.  Because I have been doing so much OT the leads decided to teach me how to do singles one night when Alpha was down.  (And no, I don’t expect you to know what Alpha or singles are.)   Twice last week there was VTO and not only did I not take it, I worked 2 hours of OT on those nights.  One of the nice things (for me) is that if they offer OT they can’t cancel it.  But I did have work both nights I stayed when there was VTO so it all worked out.

I was actually totally off meds for almost two weeks, but between everything in my life falling apart and the depression, I decided to start taking Wellbutrin.  Unlike the last two it hasn’t (yet) made me more depressed or motion sick.  Nor has it increased my appetite.  I’m actually eating less now than I was before.  I’m thinking that once I get to Mom’s I might start the Couch to 5K program. Although, since I’ll be working at least 50 hours a week, I might not have the time or the energy.  It’s not well lit at night so I don’t know that I can run after work.  I could try doing it before work. Now that I’m not getting up at 4:30 am I have energy in the morning.  Yeah, I do a lot better on a 2pm to 12:30 am schedule.  I could do a video before work then.  Mom won’t be home so I won’t be disturbing her.

I didn’t talk to anyone on the phone between 3/27 and 4/2.  Unless you count the OT line, but that’s a recording so I don’t.  I didn’t have much interaction with people.  I did next two people and made plans for Saturday.  I worked my tail off.  I was alone, but you know what?  I wasn’t lonely.  I didn’t cry all week.  I didn’t get angry.  I didn’t argue with anyone.  I almost feel guilty, but I didn’t miss Tom.  I must be a cold bitch to feel that way.  Friday I had an appointment with Melissa.  She was shocked that I broke up with Tom.  Shocked.  When I explained she said that she was glad that I was standing up for myself.  I was thinking and this is the first time in years that I’ve done that consistently.  I’m not the person I was a year ago.  Getting rid of the over abundance of meds has made a difference.

I feel like I have to learn who I am again.  I have to find out what I like and what I want to do.  I’m actually interested in doing things.  I made plans this past weekend and saw people.  People said I was different.  I am.  I have to find out where I’m going and what I want to do.  I’ve made changes in my life recently and I think I will be making more changes.  I’m not going to put with what I have in the past.  I’m not going to continually go out of my way for people who won’t help me.  Some of the things that go to me, don’t.  Some of the things I let go by, I no longer do.  I’m going to keep going and see where this takes me.

For awhile I’ve been drifting and not sure of what to do or where to go.  I’ve made decisions and tried my best, but things have fallen apart.  I think there’s something wrong in just about every area in my life. My health, my transportation, my job, my relationship, my shelter, my finances, etc. it all seems to be falling apart. I’ve gotten away from God and I’m not sure how to get back.  I’m afraid and I’m not sure why.  I’m not sure I can ever go back.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.

Can I just say that I’m scared?  Life has sucked recently.  Tom was hit by a car on Saturday night. So far he’s lost almost an entire week’s of work.  His knee and shoulder are injured. I found out today that tomorrow he’s being sent for a MRI of his knee and won’t be able to go back until after we get the results from the doctor.  She didn’t like how his knee sounded.  So my prediction is, if there’s nothing wrong with the knee, is that the earliest he can go back is Thursday and the earliest he can get a load is Friday.  *sigh* Without tom working we start running out of money fairly quickly, especially at this point since he hasn’t been keeping up with his payments to me for various reasons.  So yeah, we’re low on money.  Due to this I’ve signed up for 14.5 hours of OT (time and a half and double time) this weekend.  Plus the 1.5 to 2 hours I’ve already done this week.  It’ll be hell, I think, but it needs to be done.  I’ve already gone through once and figured out what bills aren’t going to be paid this month and it looks like I’ll have to search for some hard numbers to figure it at this point.  I don’t know how long I’ll have to work crazy OT, but it could be a while.  Unless, of course, some untoward things happen tomorrow.

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I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

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How prepared are you for an emergency?  How often does your place of work have fire drills? Tornado drills? Do you know what to do in a flood? How would you get out of your house in an emergency?  Do you know the fastest ways to get to the exits?  What would happen if you couldn’t get out that way?  Do you have any way of marking your children’s rooms so that emergency responders know where to go first?  Do you have Mr. Yuck stickers, cabinet locks, and baby gates?  Do your children know what to do if there’s a fire?  Do you have a fire drill at home?  Where would your family meet if you got separated?  Do you have a contact person if there’s an emergency and you can’t be reached?

Remember September 11, 2001?  Did you know that the majority of the employees of Morgan Stanley got out alive?  We’re talking over 80%.  Why did they get out when so many people didn’t?  Experts say that it was due to the fact that over the past three years the gentleman in charge of security put his colleagues through a consistent and fairly rigorous series of fire drills.  The employees, especially the long time employees, knew where the exits were, where the stairs were, what it was like to go down the stairs, and where to meet after they got out of the building.  That man, who’s name I do not know, is credited with saving many lives.  Does your employer do drills?  When was the last time you had one?  Do you know the emergency plans for your company?  They should have them.  You should know them.  I encourage you to talk to the people you work for and encourage them to get this knowledge out.  It may just save your life.

It’s the first day of the new year.  Many of you have new homes, new family members, etc. Make plans. Check your escapes. Check you fire alarms.  It’s a proven fact that having some sort of plan and having practiced that plan can make the difference between life and death in a serious situation.  It’s a pain and can take time away from other things, but if you ever have to use it, it could save your life or the life of someone you love. Do you really want to deal with the possible consequences of not knowing what to do?

Have a healthy, happy, and safe new year!!

I mentioned in September in this post that I had lost 13 lbs over the summer, which is great. I have continued to lose weight since then. Once I got off of my risperidal I did a search at work to find out about risperdal (something I now know I have access to). I had noticed something odd a few days after I stopped taking the med. I stopped enjoying the salads. (Okay, originally I thought it was the flu I caught. I went home sick my first week out on the floor and missed another day due to it. Luckily the only time I threw up was on the way home from work. And I manged to get out of the car before that happened.). I would take a bite of the salad and couldn’t eat. I tried changing lettuce mixtures and it was no help. I was still eating my apples and the ham from my salads but that was it. I also wasn’t as hungry. The apple and the ham and the second apple I had on my last break would last me for the rest of the night. I wasn’t eating once I got home from work either. Well, when I looked up the risperidal I discovered that it increases your appetite. You could have pushed me over with a feather when I saw that one. These days I’m eating two pieces of Italian bread with butter and an apple for dinner. (Yeah, so much for my low carb diet!) I have had some popcorn on my first break and an apple on my last break and a couple of pieces of candy and that’s about it. I went out to dinner with Mom on Friday and I could finish my steak. And it was only a 7 oz steak. I ate almost none of my fries, although I did eat a bunch of mozzarella sticks. It’s one of the few ways I’ll actually eat cheese. I had been in size 18 jeans over the summer and several weeks back when I was at Mom’s I grabbed some size 16′s and a bunch of nice blouses from my Mellon job which at that point either fit or almost fit me. About a week after that I switch to wearing the size 16′s. They got very baggy very quickly. Also the end of my belt was sticking out very far. Way too long for the first belt loop, but not quite long enough for the second. Friday I put on the size 14 jeans I had grabbed from Mom’s and they fit. Woohoo! I bought a smaller belt (went from a 42” to a 38”) and when I got back to mom’s I weighed myself. Since May (or so) I have lost a grand total of 31 lbs! That’s a not so small dog. Or three + Jack’s:

The most amazing thing is that I have done nothing except get off my meds. I have exercised exactly twice (and one of those the hot water went off during so I got to take a cold shower that night). Exercising is not one of my strong points. I have not been following my low carb diet very well at all. (I’m hoping that the weight loss with help with the triglycerides.) I have just stopped taking the meds. I also have not gained any weight since starting the Celexa, so that wasn’t the drug that was causing the problems with my weight. It’s so exciting. My face has thinned out and I can wear clothes I have worn in over a year. My face is no longer round! Getting off of the meds wasn’t easy for me or my family. Tom bore the brunt of it and he held up remarkably well. No, it was most certainly not easy. But it paid off. It was worth it.

On to update number two, my health. As I’m sure most of you know, I was going off of my meds. Remember this quote from an earlier blog post?

Warning: This may not apply to everyone. This is just what happened to me. Every person is different and due to severe reactions which may occur (which did happen to my friend Leslie) consult with a doctor before discontinuing any form of your medication. When I ran out of the clonopin before I was able to refill it I went through withdrawal. I was stupid (yes, I’ll admit it. It was very stupid.) and did not refill it right away. Once I got through the withdrawal I decided to see if I really needed the anti anxiety medication after all. I live five minutes from the pharmacy and could go there at any point to get them filled if I had an attack, so I decided to wait. And you won’t believe what I noticed – all my symptoms disappeared. All the problems I’d been having with depression and anxiety went away. To this day, I have not had a single problem with anxiety. So I compounded my stupidity and since the doctors in the hospital had decided to cut most of my meds with no slow down, so did I. Of course, I weaned myself off of the pills. I cut down what I was taking week by week until I was taking nothing. I watched carefully and not once did I have a problem that wasn’t related directly to finances. I had missed an appt with my psychiatrist but I wasn’t worried. The only pill that stopping made me really sick and unable to complete was the risperdal. So I went back on it.

Well, I saw my psychiatrist again and she agreed to let me off the risperidal. I went down to one-half of a pill, then one-quarter, then none. As I was doing this my irritation level was increasing and so was my anger. I was always irritated and often angry. My Mom’s therapist told her that anger is often a sign of depression. The day I went off the last of the risperdal, I called VBHA and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. The following Thursday I got up at the crack of dawn and went to see her. I’m currently taking 20 mg of Celexa, which is one of the mildest antidepressants and known for having the least amount of side affects. My irritation is gone. I have more normal anger now. I get easily irritated when I’m over heated, for the most part. And Melissa said that the meds would make no difference with my anger. Ha! My dry mouth is back (although that does seem to be fading somewhat) and I’m having trouble staying asleep in the morning. I do have a little bit of trouble falling asleep, but between the hours of 9 am and 11:30 am I get very poor sleep and I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t think I want to go on sleeping meds again. I’m hoping it will get better.

I will say this for those of you who are confused.  I didn’t get off of my medications simply because I no longer wanted to be on them.  It was much more complicated than that.  I was put on anti-anxiety medications when I was placed in the hospital in 2001 because I was shaking in the ER when I was admitted.  I was scared.  I think most people with a modicom of sense would have been in my position.  I was never taken off of it.  When I ran out in March and stopped taking it on my own, my breakthrough anxiety and depression simply disappeared.  Since taking me off most of my meds cold turkey in December (when I went in the hospital the second time) had little affect on me and since I had no breakthrough symptoms I decided to go off of them as well.  I didn’t want to be on what I didn’t need to be on.  I had been having breakthrough symptoms ever since I left the hospital the first time.  We kept increasing dosages and adding medications.  It always broke through.  Since, in March, I was convinced it was the anti-anxiety drugs which were causing the breakthrough symptoms, I wanted to see if I truly needed all of those meds.  Turns out, in my case, I did not.  I was always willing to go back on the medications if I needed them.  I wanted to see if I did and to see what symptoms were truly mine and what were the by-products of the medications.  It’s not for everyone.  It’s not something to do rashly.  There are many, many people in the world who need these medications and need many different medications to get through the depression.  My situation is not typical.  That’s that.

In my last post I mentioned the tooth incident. Well, one day during training I was eating my salad for lunch when I started chewing on something hard. It was a couple of pieces of stuff in my mouth. Part of it was metal attached to part of a tooth and the other chunk was pure metal. My tooth had broken in half and the root canal had fallen out. *sigh* I had a sharp edge and went to see my dentist. He said the other half had to come out and drilled down the sharp edge. A month later I went to see the oral surgeon. It was amusing. He walks in and asks me what hurts. My response? Nothing. Oh, the look on his face! He then asked me why I was there and I said I had half a tooth that needed to come out. He put me out (my decision and much easier on my TMJ), numbed me up, and Tom took me home. Tom couldn’t stay with me (idiot trucking company) so Mom came over and stayed with me the rest of the day. It was Friday the thirteenth. My cheek hurt the most. I hurt for about a week. My teeth in front of that tooth hurt some as well. But my TMJ never acted up. Woohoo!! Now to see whether Delta will cover the iv sedation. I’m not too hopeful on that score.

Last week I had a blood test.  A lipid panel and a fasting blood sugar.  I don’t have diabetes, thank God.  Well, at least not yet.  I do have high triglycerides.  Normal triglycerides are 150-199.  High is 200-499.  Mine was around 416.  Not good.  So I have orders from my doctor.  30 minutes of exercise daily and a low carb diet.  I don’t want to be on a low carb diet.  I like carbs!  My favorite food is pasta.  No more pasta for me.  Chocolate, cakes, cookies – all things I love.  Now against the rules.  So I had to go grocery shopping.  Can’t use the tuna help I got for me.  Ground beef, hamburgers, chicken, asparagus, apples, green peppers, ranch dressing, steamed veggies, and Rubbermaid containers.  Tomorrow I’m going to Giant Eagle and I’ll be buying bags of salad (on sale bogo), strawberries (again, bogo), and ham.  I’m sure I’ll think of it.  I’m going to save up for a water purifier for the tap (cheaper than bottled).  I hate diet stuff.  I can’t stand NutraSweet.  It has a horrible aftertaste. Although I am planning on buying Crystal Light.  Mom gave me a pitcher I can use for that.  I will say that all that exercising will help me to lose weight, which is one of my goals.  I had about 80 lbs I’d like to get rid of.  I lost 13 lbs over the summer (it’s amazing what happens when you get rid of pills that make you gain weight!) so I’m off to a good start.  And that was without exercising.  I’m also going to switch to whole milk.  Mom has a book on a low carb diet and it says no carrots, no grapes, and no low fat milk.  I have a fat/carb guide to restaurants I need to track down. I can keep that in my purse.  Did I mention that I don’t like the taste of water?  I don’t.  I drink it at work, though, so that’s a start.  Now I have to start drinking it at home.  Sometimes life just sucks.