You probably won’t believe this, but there are days when I wish I could end this life.  Days like today when I’m left feeling empty, old, weary, and sad.  Mornings when the anger comes on so thick, so dark, so violent I scare myself.  When it circles around and gets worse and worse and I’m doing things which I despise.  And to ease that tension, to deal with that level of emotion, I do something despicable - I turn on myself.  Hitting, punching, scratching, biting - it takes away the tension when it becomes too much.  I’ve been getting worse as the days go on.  I’m not sure what to do.  There is a part of me that is wishing that I was moving out right away, so I could be alone with my pain.  So that there would be the possibility of getting treatment soon.  I’m trapped here, for now.  Or at least that’s the way I feel.  Trapped.  I long for freedom.  Freedom from my job - the freedom to write.  That just gets me irritated.  I didn’t have extra time today, though I did steal some.  I have a story that I’ve been working on.  I haven’t shared it - I want to work on the beginning.  It started out one way and I don’t like the way it goes.  I’m creating a world.  A world with daemons and fey, as I call them.  A world with people both good and bad.  I love that.  I love having the words just flow from my brain into the computer.  I don’t know where it comes from, but I love it.  I hate to take away from that.  There’s a certain beauty in creating something new.  Except for the life of me I cannot remember my main character’s last name!  There’s a part of me that wants to take a lower paying job at a position I may or may not like as much which is much closer to the new place.  But I wouldn’t want to start that until I moved there.  And I don’t move there for another month.  Its so frustrating.  There’s a part of me that wants out of the city desperately - I don’t want to try and find my way there in the event of a strike.  I have a plan for getting there from here, but not from Baldwin.  I don’t think I can afford it.  I’m pretty sure that I cannot afford it.  Co-pays are always going to be there.  I’ll have to pay at least once a week and on some weeks, twice a week.  If I go into physical therapy then there will be co-pays for that three times a week, if I remember my doctor’s orders correctly.  If I leave I might have to go COBRA which could be up to $500 a month.  It can take up to three months to get health benefits, sometimes longer than that if you’re doing a temp to hire.  *sigh*

I don’t want to find myself in a hole I can’t get out of.  At the prompting of my mother I wonder if I’m moving from depression to bipolar.  I don’t want to find myself in a place where dying is more desirable than living.  I was there once.  I don’t want to go back.  I just don’t see a way out.

Well, here’s what’s been going on.  I had my gall bladder out on Monday.  I don’t have to go back to work till next Wednesday.  I was approved for Short Term Disability.

I’m pretty sure Tom’s gotten his dream back.  I don’t want to say anything more because I don’t want to jinx it.  But it is amazing how God moves in people’s lives.

Mom had a tooth crack and it was removed.  That was giving her a lot of pain.  This is her first day bak at work since Thursday. She had to stay home with me Monday and yesterday which gave her two more days to recover.

Dad and Kathy came to the hospital with me.  I wasn’t sure I wanted them there, but got scared and called them Monday morning and they still came.  I wish Tom would have been able to have been there, but I know what he was doing was important.  I can’t wait to talk to him later.

Tom has Verizon on one of his phones. I have Verizon.  This means we can talk to each other on these phones at any hour of the day and not have to worry about going over minutes.  This is a good thing.  I know we used over a thousand peak minutes last month.  But I did have to get a texting plan.  So if you want to text me, you can!

Yes, I’ll probably be spammy this week as I get feeling better.  Its been a long time since I’ve had time to sit at the computer for any length of time.  Tom and I usually stay out too late!

I think tis time for me to go lie down and think about my sin of eating something too complicated too soon.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be back.

Stolen from nancypaynter who stole it from someone else. I don’t know who that someone else is, but here are my answers.

You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, “Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???” And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.

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A few good things.  I’m dating someone.  That makes me happy.  The puppy is slowing getting the whole house breaking thing.  That makes me happy.  I still have a job.  That kinda sorta makes me happy.  The bus was on time and got me back to Moon in time for me to make it to my appointment with the surgeon.  I guess that makes me happy.

A few bad things.  I just found out I’m having surgery.  My boyfriend is currently in NY and could be in TN come Monday.  My friend’s father is dying.  My depression has been very bad the past several days.  I was hitting myself this morning (Well, my morning - which lasts until 1 pm).  I feel very petty right now, for reasons I’m not going into.  They are unworthy of the situation and my own burden to bear.  Besides, there are more important things than me.

There.  A mini update.  Just for you. 

I’m still talking to a tomato - I’m not sure if it qualifies as talking to a fruit or a vegetable.  *sigh*  The profound questions in my life today.  My stomach aches have been much better (gee, I wonder why?) although I did hurt my toe.  How, I don’t know.  I just know it hurts.

Ha.  My cat is curled up with my shoes.  The slippers, the sneakers, and the black heels.  *shakes head*

I’m going to the game tomorrow night! Woot!  My dad’s even going to drive me back to the park and ride so I don’t have to pay to park in the city.  Yippee!  Hopefully, we’ll make it out before the fireworks go off.  Me+fireworks=panic.  Not fun.  And I love fireworks!

Ha.  There’s a cat behind me on my chair.  I didn’t know that till now.  I’ve got both cats.  And a spiced cider candle.  And I found my little Starbucks espresso mug that I use to catch change in.  It was on a shelf in my closet.  Understandably, since I empty it into a container in my closet.

My worst fear has happened.  Well, not my worst fear every, but one of my worst fears about work.  I’m going to be responsible for doing all three fraud reports.  *sigh*  I think I can get them done, but I don’t know about doing them, the loan checks, and the other reports.  Not to mention rendering statements and prepping sig cards.  Next week shall be interesting.  And hectic.  I guess I’m going to budget for coke icees every day after work.

I need more minutes.  ‘Nuff said.

Watch for the Friday Five!

My view of the world is a very negative one.

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5/5 - Didn’t do the laundry.  Had a stomach ache.  Hardly a surprise at this point.  Watched TV with mom and went to bed.

5/6 - Didn’t do the laundry.  Did not watch NCIS.  Had a stomach ache.  Hardly a surprise at this point.

5/7 - Didn’t do the laundry.  Did go to therapy.  Have a homework assignment and a book to read.  Had a stomach ache.  Hardly a surprise at this point.

5/8- Didn’t do the laundry.  Did go see the psychiatrist.  No med changes.  Going back in a month instead of three months due to my stomach issues.  Had a stomach ache today.  Hardly a surprise at this point.  Did not eat dinner.

5/9 - Didn’t do the laundry.  Had a stomach ache today.  Hardly a surprise at this point.  Did not eat dinner.

5/10 - Didn’t do the laundry.  Slept in, got up, took meds, went back to sleep.  Went out to dinner with mom.  Went clothing shopping with mom.  Bought two tops.  (And they look good on me, too!)

5/11 - Finally did the laundry.  Slept in.  Slept in too late to go to church.  *sigh*  Worked on cleaning the house.  Got the kitchen clean and most of the kitchen hutch clean. Had a stomach ache.  Hardly a surprise at this point.

I’m sure you’ve noticed some recurring themes.  Had a stomach ache today.  I will be calling my doctor on Thursday, probably citing the same thing.  She’ll most likely send me to the GI guy who was no help whatsoever with my side pain (which is back, btw).  Other than telling me my gall bladder is 21% less effective than it should be.  My doc thinks it could be my gall bladder.  What fun.

Good evening one and all.  Its that time yet again.  Time for me to let all of you know my fun and exciting plans for the week.  We shall have to see if this week could possibly be any more exciting than the last one!

5/12 - Monday morning.  Work.  If I’m lucky, it won’t be raining when I’m trying to walk to the building.  We’ll probably go grocery shopping after work.  We didn’t go today.

5/13 - Tuesday.  I could call and see if I’m still welcome at the Tuesday night group, but I probably won’t get the courage to do so.  That means NCIS with mom.  Maybe do some cleaning.  *shrug*

5/14 - Wednesday.  Work, again.  Tonight I have therapy.  That should be interesting.  I still don’t have my homework done.  I don’t know when I will get it done.  Probably five minutes before I go in.  Yeah, procrastination combined with no clue as to what answers to provide.

5/15 - Thursday.  PAYDAY!  Nothing to do tonight.  I’m supposed to call my PCP and give her an update on how I’m doing, stomach-wise.  She works late tonight, so even if I forget to call while I’m at work, I’ll have the chance to do it once I get home.

5/16 - FRIDAY!  Last day of work for the week.  Again, nothing exciting.  Story of my life.

5/17 - Saturday.  I get to sleep in!  Probably more cleaning - Mom and I would like to get the house all nice and pretty.  She’s got some work to do in her room and that’s more her stuff, but I do have some stuff in the dining room to clean up.  And I can sweep and vacuum.  Put my books away.  General stuff like that.

5/18 - Sunday.  Yet another attempt to go to church.  I’m kinda scared to go, which isn’t making exactly motivated to go.  Laundry.  Sundays are laundry days.  If we’re lucky we’ll go grocery shopping so we won’t have to do it Monday night.

Weekly expected weather - Rain.  Cooler temps. High sixties as highs, forties as lows.  Chance for thunderstorms on Wednesdays.  That might be cool.  Monday’s high is only 49, but by Wednesday we should be hitting 70.  It gets colder from then on out.  And did I mention the rain?

We’ll see a week from now how the week went.

I don’t know what words to use to convey the way I’m feeling.  Physically, I still am having stomach aches, heart burn, car sickness, and head aches.  I don’t know what to do to get them to go away.  Mentally, I’m doing much worse.  Its hard to think when I’m feeling so poorly.  I don’t like life.  I don’t.  I don’t like my job.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I know I should find something.  Anything.  Right now, I hurt so much that I can’t think of anything.  I have homework from therapy and a book to read.  I’ll buy a copy next week, but this week she lent me the office copy.  The funny thing is that I’ll probably have it read before I buy it next week.  I think I’m just going to take my meds and go to bed.  I don’t have the energy (emotionally or physically) for anything else.

Well, if you’ve been following my updates on Facebook and Twitter, then you know I’m having some problems with my stomach.  Heck, I think I’ve even mentioned it here.  Horrible stomach aches.  Monday I would have left work early if I would have been able to; Tuesday, as we all already know, I stayed home from work because I felt worse than I had on Monday.  I did go to my doctor’s appt on Thursday and we discussed some things.  We changed my medication to one they use for IBS to stop the muscle spasms.  She also told me to take Miralax.  I’ve been having stomach aches all weekend.  I haven’t left the house since Friday night when Mom and I went out (Red Lobster - yum!).  So I have two weeks to see how that goes and then I call Dr. Denise and report.  So far, its not anything good.  I’ve still been getting stomach aches and now have cramping to go along with it.  Of course, its only been since Thursday night so I suppose I have to give it some time.  One of the things she mentioned was the possibility that it could be my gall bladder.  I do not want it to be my gall bladder.  I do not want to have surgery.  I do not want to have my gall bladder removed, even if it is done laproscoptically(sp).  However, it does run in my family.  My mother had her gall bladder removed years ago and my maternal grandfather had his gall bladder removed many, many years ago.  But if things don’t improve, she’s going to send me back to the GI doctors.  I did have a scan that did show that my gall bladder is 27% less effective than it should be.  Not that I know how that relates to anything.  We also talked about diet - how I have to avoid complex carbohydrates and the like.  Diabetes runs in my family on my maternal side.  My mother was recently diagnosed with it and my maternal grandmother had it as well.  Oh yeah, my uncle has it as well.  I’m going to start looking into cooking.  Blech.  Not exactly what I want to do after a long day at work, but it would be better for mom and me.  I am getting more exercise.  I’ve increased my walking distances and added stairs to my walk to and from work.  *sigh*  I need to do more.  I know that.  I just don’t want to do it.