Not long after I finally broke up with Tom, he told me basically that his life was over.  He’d never find someone  to love and he’d spend all his life working.  Really, I wanted to smack him.  I knew he was basically full of it.  He wasn’t the one with a mental disorder that most people, especially men, didn’t understand.  He didn’t have something wrong with him that half the world didn’t even accept as being real.  He wasn’t the one who had mutual friends of ours mad at him for breaking the relationship.  He wasn’t the one who was now broke, who had had another guy come along and take all he could get for as long as he could get.  He hadn’t just watched someone become an ex and be better off when they were when the relationship started while he was worse off.  No that was all me.

Now I’ve found out via Facebook that he’s dating someone new.  He’ll be with her until she breaks off the relationship because he never will no matter how bad things are.  He never has broken up with anyone.   I resent the fact that he was so much better off when we broke and I will be paying for it for years and now he has someone new, while I sitting knowing that no one is going to ever want me.  No one will put up with the difficulties.  It will be about three years before I’m out of debt and I’m not going to date someone before that.  It ends up being to damn expensive.  Maybe if I was happy or joyful or content, but I’m not.  I live on a roller coaster that I wish I could get off but don’t think I ever will.  I live with pain that I am told has no cause but oftentimes limits what I can and cannot do.  I have to learn how to live with it and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

As most of you know, I’ve been having a lot of problems with medications. Over the past three years, I have steadily gone off most of the medications I was on. It began one night I ran out of the anti-anxiety medication and since I was already through the withdrawal before was able to renew it, I decided to see how I did without it. When the withdrawal was over with, I no longer had anxiety symptoms. I had no more anxiety attacks and and have not since March 2 years ago. At that point, I decided that it might be worthwhile to see which other medications I may not need to be on. Luckily, I was with the new psychiatrist although when she first found out that I was off of most of my medication on my own she thought I was crazy.  As it turns out, I wasn’t.

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I know I haven’t been around. I’ve been feeling quite ill for last quarter last year and all this year so far.  It may be the medication that I raised just before I started feeling ill, so I’m stepping back down.  I really hope this does it. My doctor said she had another patient who had similar reaction to the same medication.  It’s not going to be easy – it’s my depression medication.  Not only may my depression increase, but I’ll be paranoid about it and may even withdraw even more, if that’s possible.  You have no idea how afraid I am of being condemned and/or hated.

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

Is there some rule somewhere that states when you hit 31 your body goes crazy on you?  I have large dry and flaky areas on the side of my face in front of my ears on both sides, a little higher on my temple on the right side, and down on my neck on one of the sides.  My chin is breaking out – but that’s probably due to the fact that since my skin has been dry I haven’t been using my acne gel as much.  I got sick and have been feeling sick at work on a regular basis for weeks (but the latter might be the heat).  My stomach aches on a regular basis (every Sunday since my birthday). Now I’m having a period I shouldn’t be having at a time when I shouldn’t be having it!  Argh!! Facing definite back and possible abdominal cramps is not high on my agenda, but at least if it gets too bad I have vicodin to take.  Somebody shoot me!  Or turn back the clock!  The only thing that hasn’t been a major problem is my depression (which is odd) although when it gets to be late and I’m tired that tends to rear up as well. (Wednesday night was not good, but that’s another blog post.)

Good evening everyone!  It’s been quite a week!  I worked two 12.5 hour days, one 12 hour day, and one 10.5 hour day.  If it weren’t for traffic and no OT one night, it would have been four 12.5 hour days.  I had a fiasco with my bc prescription.  Luckily, I work for Medco so I was able to talk to someone who was able to figure out how to make it right.  After I called the dr back and they gave me the correct quantity.  *rolls eyes*  Again, luckily, I work for Medco and was able to tell the nurse that it was 4 packs in 3 months.  The first rx she sent only had 3 packs listed on it.  I’ll be getting the first three packs soon, and the my co-worker who can deal with employee rx’s is having the 4th sent as well.  I still have to get one prescription sent to Medco, but that’s a completely different doctor.  I also finally got the one from my PCP in.  They keep trying to use my health insurance number for my prescriptions and always get told that I don’t have prescription coverage.  I do, but you have to use my Medco number.  Medco manages all of my prescriptions.  I’ve only had it for 1 and a half years!

Today I did the first day of the first week of the Cool Running Couch-to-5K.  Well, that was the plan.  I only did about half.  I did the 15 minute brisk walk warm up, 5 60-second runs, 4 90-second walks, and the 5 minute cool down walk.  I didn’t understand something.  He said six intervals. I thought it was 6 run/walk sets.  I got to the end of the fifth run and he told me I was halfway done.  At that point I was exhausted, red faced, sweating profusely, unsteady on my legs, and feeling very sick to my stomach so I fast forwarded to the 5 minute cool down walk.  Yeah, somehow I don’t think I’ll be ready to do a 5K in 2 months.  Oh well, I don’t have one scheduled to run so I can work up to it.  I do wonder how long I’ll be doing week one.  Since I am going to be regularly working 12.5 hour days, I’ll be planning on doing 2 runs a week – one on Friday and one on Sunday.  I might be able to squeeze a third one in depending on how much OT is offered during the week.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do on the weekends we have the  June running clinic with the Pittsburgh Charity Runners and Walkers, which is on next Saturday morning.  I might have to not do that, which would suck.  I need to do some type of exercise and I know that running is a good one.  I might do something on my Mom’s XL Glider during the week.

I also got my contacts on Monday.  Shocked the heck out of me considering I got 5-7 day shipping and had ordered them on Saturday.  1-800-Contacts used through Wal-Mart rocks!  There wasn’t even a whole business day in between the two!  I got the Acuvue Oasys with Hydraclear Plus that I’ve had before and no problems.  I had tried the Air Optix Night & Day lenses but they irritated my right eye.  I loved being able to wear them all day and all night, but I had at least two areas in my right eye that would swell when I tried to wear them.  I waited months to be sure the eye was totally healed and I haven’t had a problem yet.  I’ve been wearing them more than I haven’t been wearing them.

My self esteem isn’t always the best. It never has been. There have been times in the past when it has been better than others, but you know what? Right now isn’t one of them. Last week’s counseling session really torpedoed it. I feel like I’m fighting against everyone. Well, almost everyone. I wasn’t feeling very strong due to illness. Nausea is hard to deal with and I had been going through it on both Wednesday and Thursday. Being told that I was too rough…just hurt. I don’t know how I was too rough. He forced the issue. I told him things that were troubling me. I’d been telling him things that bothered me. He didn’t listen. He didn’t remember. He doesn’t. We argued basically every time we were on the phone and every time he was at home. I’d tell him specific things he could do, and he didn’t do them. *sigh* Then to have her tell me that she didn’t think that “the fat lady had sung” on our relationship. What about it makes it salvageable? Just because he’s a nice guy and didn’t physically abuse me doesn’t mean that I need to be with him. I’m completely drained. Physically, emotionally, and financially. I need someone I can depend on. I want someone to be strong for me. I don’t want someone who deals with something that he knows bothers me by avoiding it and ignoring it. Anyways, the result of that Friday is that I have been feeling like a horrible person. Like someone who is mean and cruel. I like to think I’m a good person, or at least an okay person, but that. That doesn’t.
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Well, my last post was different than this post will be.  I haven’t posted yet so far because I’ve been busy.  I’ve been doing a lot of overtime.  A lot.  I will be doing a lot of overtime until at least October.  Yeah, one of the advantages of having a spreadsheet forecasting out expenses and income is that you can tell when you’re just not going to be able to make ends meet.  *sigh*  My wrists are killing me.  I worked on 16 out of the last 19 days (including today and two of the days on which I didn’t work were yesterday and today).  I have my wrist braces and have been wearing them for the most part.  Because I have been doing so much OT the leads decided to teach me how to do singles one night when Alpha was down.  (And no, I don’t expect you to know what Alpha or singles are.)   Twice last week there was VTO and not only did I not take it, I worked 2 hours of OT on those nights.  One of the nice things (for me) is that if they offer OT they can’t cancel it.  But I did have work both nights I stayed when there was VTO so it all worked out.

I was actually totally off meds for almost two weeks, but between everything in my life falling apart and the depression, I decided to start taking Wellbutrin.  Unlike the last two it hasn’t (yet) made me more depressed or motion sick.  Nor has it increased my appetite.  I’m actually eating less now than I was before.  I’m thinking that once I get to Mom’s I might start the Couch to 5K program. Although, since I’ll be working at least 50 hours a week, I might not have the time or the energy.  It’s not well lit at night so I don’t know that I can run after work.  I could try doing it before work. Now that I’m not getting up at 4:30 am I have energy in the morning.  Yeah, I do a lot better on a 2pm to 12:30 am schedule.  I could do a video before work then.  Mom won’t be home so I won’t be disturbing her.

I didn’t talk to anyone on the phone between 3/27 and 4/2.  Unless you count the OT line, but that’s a recording so I don’t.  I didn’t have much interaction with people.  I did next two people and made plans for Saturday.  I worked my tail off.  I was alone, but you know what?  I wasn’t lonely.  I didn’t cry all week.  I didn’t get angry.  I didn’t argue with anyone.  I almost feel guilty, but I didn’t miss Tom.  I must be a cold bitch to feel that way.  Friday I had an appointment with Melissa.  She was shocked that I broke up with Tom.  Shocked.  When I explained she said that she was glad that I was standing up for myself.  I was thinking and this is the first time in years that I’ve done that consistently.  I’m not the person I was a year ago.  Getting rid of the over abundance of meds has made a difference.

I feel like I have to learn who I am again.  I have to find out what I like and what I want to do.  I’m actually interested in doing things.  I made plans this past weekend and saw people.  People said I was different.  I am.  I have to find out where I’m going and what I want to do.  I’ve made changes in my life recently and I think I will be making more changes.  I’m not going to put with what I have in the past.  I’m not going to continually go out of my way for people who won’t help me.  Some of the things that go to me, don’t.  Some of the things I let go by, I no longer do.  I’m going to keep going and see where this takes me.

For awhile I’ve been drifting and not sure of what to do or where to go.  I’ve made decisions and tried my best, but things have fallen apart.  I think there’s something wrong in just about every area in my life. My health, my transportation, my job, my relationship, my shelter, my finances, etc. it all seems to be falling apart. I’ve gotten away from God and I’m not sure how to get back.  I’m afraid and I’m not sure why.  I’m not sure I can ever go back.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.

Can I just say that I’m scared?  Life has sucked recently.  Tom was hit by a car on Saturday night. So far he’s lost almost an entire week’s of work.  His knee and shoulder are injured. I found out today that tomorrow he’s being sent for a MRI of his knee and won’t be able to go back until after we get the results from the doctor.  She didn’t like how his knee sounded.  So my prediction is, if there’s nothing wrong with the knee, is that the earliest he can go back is Thursday and the earliest he can get a load is Friday.  *sigh* Without tom working we start running out of money fairly quickly, especially at this point since he hasn’t been keeping up with his payments to me for various reasons.  So yeah, we’re low on money.  Due to this I’ve signed up for 14.5 hours of OT (time and a half and double time) this weekend.  Plus the 1.5 to 2 hours I’ve already done this week.  It’ll be hell, I think, but it needs to be done.  I’ve already gone through once and figured out what bills aren’t going to be paid this month and it looks like I’ll have to search for some hard numbers to figure it at this point.  I don’t know how long I’ll have to work crazy OT, but it could be a while.  Unless, of course, some untoward things happen tomorrow.

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I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

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