My boyfriend is a trucker and I love him dearly. I work as an order entry tech and I love it. But there are downfalls to these things. I now work 2 to 12:30. It’s a shift that I like and I like only working Monday through Thursday, but there are downfalls. I rarely get to talk to anyone. People are usually in bed by the time I get home. I can’t go out and do things on those days. I can’t call someone up after work to chat. It just doesn’t work. Tom’s away all week most of the time and recently he’s been gone on the weekends, too. When I switched shifts he said that he’d be able to work nights as well, but that just hasn’t happened. I talk to him on my breaks at work and on my way to work, but it’s just not the same. Plus he’s usually asleep for my last break. My Christmas tree isn’t up yet. My Christmas shopping isn’t really done. I’m doing Tom’s Christmas shopping for him. Since he’s only shopping for me right now, I know exactly what I’m getting and how much it costs. I have a better idea of when it’s going to get here as well. I really don’t think I’ll get them wrapped. I managed to save him a lot of money (I got three gifts for less than the cost of one on Amazon – eBay for the win!). He doesn’t know what I’m going to get him (though I did get outbid on what I was going to buy). It’s frustrating. I see posts about how this person is doing that with their SO or that person is doing this with their kids and I just feel lonely. I don’t know if Tom will be home for Christmas Eve or Christmas nor do I know if he’ll be home for New Year’s Eve or the banquet. Heck, I don’t even know if we’re going to go to the banquet because Terry’s been invited (knew that one) and apparently Desiree’s been invited. I’m lonely. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think there is anything that I can do about it. *sigh*

There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk.

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

The answer is yes. I think. It’s been busy around here. I’ve been working, but not working OT. I did get my bonus which means we’ll be able to pay rent this month. All my bills are paid for June and though July is started, I have to pay some more. I did see my finish my physical therapy. Yes, I’m finally done with the neck tortue. I start therapy next week. This is good, I think. I saw my phychiatrist and she yelled at me, of course. She wouldn’t let me stop the risperidol, which is what I want to do. I was told that after two to three months symptoms come back. It’s been three months, though, and my symptoms are pretty much not here. Read the rest of this entry »

I worked today and Tom is home. That’s difficult to deal with. I want to be home with him. *sigh* And I work tomorrow. And I do OT on Sunday. *sigh* I really do need to do OT because a) we need the money and b) I never know if VTO is going to come up. It’s a lot easier taking VTO when I have the hours to cover it.

Tom made a candlelight dinner tonight. He’s so good to me. We had chicken and buttered noodles. Then we walked to Rita’s for some Italian ice. I had custard and it was good. He had a wild cherry gelato which he liked. It looks like I may have some form of exercise induced asthma. I certainly hope not. But when I exhale when I’m breathing heavily it feels like my throat is closing up. *sigh*

Sunday we’re going to go see Clayton. I know Tom really wanted to see him and when I suggested he call Ian and see if we could come up, he went for it. So we’re going to call when we leave on Sunday. Tom’s going to drive me to work so we’ll leave right from there. He’s also driving me to work tomorrow so we can go to church. I’m always feeling too tired to drive after getting up so early. He can go home and rest.

I have to go. I want to watch the Pens game. We’re winning at the moment. I can only hope it continues. I can’t stay up for the whole game. I would have to work the weekend of the Stanley Cup finals. Go Pens!

I went to a party tonight! It was Mary Kay and they had some nice stuff, but I didn’t have to buy anything. Yippee!! I also got to talk some with Barbi and her mom. I helped them with some insights into stuff that had gone on while Barbi’s mom was in the hospital. I had an ice cream sundae and some tea. Just got home and I’m barely making this blog in on time. Glad I don’t have to wait another year!

Today I slept late (having something to do with the fact that I was up till 2 am last night) and after getting up I drove out to Johnstown to see Ian, Megan, and Clayton. I went to two different places before I found the right one. *sigh* Megan was asleep when I got there, but not long after I got there she was up and going to see the baby. I got to go back into the NICU and meet Clayton. He’s adorable – blond hair and blue eyes. I got to see his first bath and the first time he put on clothes. He looked so cute! After that, Ian came back to watch videos with Megan while she fed him so I sat out and talked with the grandparents and great grandparents. I got to see the Belmont Stakes, too. Summer Bird one, just in case you were wondering. They finished the vidoes and came out. It was getting rather late, so I gave them the presents. They really liked them, I believe. Then I went home. Now I’m heading for bed because I’m working OT tomorrow morning and must awaken at 430 am. I just wish I was more tired! Night all!

I have always believed in God and Jesus. I have always believed that He loves me and cares for me. Recently, that belief has been stretched and even broken. I know He came to save us and that he redeemed us. I’ve just been going through a time when I haven’t been able to trust Him.
Read the rest of this entry »

Deep down. People always are wondering what they are like deep down. So much can be seen on the surface but who trusts the surface of anything? Surfaces can be painted and glossed over and made pretty for everyone to see. It’s what is below that matters. There are people who are all surface. These people make poor friends. Well, maybe not poor friends, but certainly not true friends. They are not friends who will stick with you through thick and thin. They are not people who will be there when the going gets tough. I’m not a big fan of surface people. Luckily, I don’t know that many. Most surface people get sick of me right away. I’ve always been one to look closely at people and things. I see too much, as one friend told me. I know I look to hard and ask too much. I always have. It’s hard for me to trust people. As I told you in my 101 Things About Me I always feel like I’m pestering people or bothering them when I go to talk to them. There are times, and those times can be quite often, when I have extremely low self esteem. I don’t see why anyone would bother with me. I know I’m nothing special, nothing worth people taking time and energy away from their activities for. So I tend to leave people alone. I don’t call anyone other than my parents and Tom. Tom, for some odd reason, likes to talk to me. I don’t always understand why. I’m so bogged down in money problems that I can’t see straight. I would like to believe that I’m worthwhile, etc. but I just feel like a drain on society. I don’t contribute much; I just take. Or at least that’s all I can see right now. I just want to get in bed and hide under the covers. It makes going to church difficult.