My jaw hurts.  It’s been hurting for several days now.  Monday?  Tuesday?  I’m really not sure.  It’s the TMJ and it’s on both sides right now.  I can talk without pain, but not eat.  Taking pills is not easy either.  I don’t know what to do to make it better.  I guess I deserve it.

My stomach’s not happy.  Since Wednesday I’ve been having on and off nausea, normally accompanied by sweating.  I was so sick when I got home from work Wednesday night that I just went to sleep.  I took Zofran to get through Thursday but I was still sick when I got home.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep.  I was starving.  I ate a hot dog (something which actually did not turn my stomach, strangely enough), but I was still starving and had a very hard time going to sleep.  I had to go to therapy today and went grocery shopping.  I was able to eat a hot dog this morning, but not the donut I tried.  Even now, I’m fighting it.  And of course, I was so depressed after therapy that I went and had lunch at Long John Silvers.  Not something my digestive system tolerates very well now that I do not have a gall bladder.  I didn’t go out to see people, even though I wanted to.  I don’t know that I’ll go see Mom tomorrow and F Cubed…well, I just don’t know about that.  It’s more than sickness that would keep me away.

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Do you ever have those moments when you just don’t know what to do?  I’m tired and I’m starting to get overwhelmed.  I have a lot of decisions to make.  I’m trying to re-connect with people.  I am, but I’m intimidated in some ways and feel too pushy in others.  Two weeks ago I saw The Steel City Knitter and Knitting Mama.  Last weekend I made plans to see my favorite French teach, but they fell through.  This weekend I did get to see the Mademoiselle and offered to go see Knitting Mama, though she wasn’t up to it.  I was supposed to go to F-Cubed.  I didn’t.  I was planning to work, but didn’t.  I was way too tired and overwhelmed.  I guess you could say that’s why I didn’t go to F-Cubed.  I almost didn’t go to see the Mademoiselle.  Frankly, it’s intimidating.   These are all good friends of mine and people I trust, so I’m sure you’re wondering why I would feel intimidated.

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Well, my last post was different than this post will be.  I haven’t posted yet so far because I’ve been busy.  I’ve been doing a lot of overtime.  A lot.  I will be doing a lot of overtime until at least October.  Yeah, one of the advantages of having a spreadsheet forecasting out expenses and income is that you can tell when you’re just not going to be able to make ends meet.  *sigh*  My wrists are killing me.  I worked on 16 out of the last 19 days (including today and two of the days on which I didn’t work were yesterday and today).  I have my wrist braces and have been wearing them for the most part.  Because I have been doing so much OT the leads decided to teach me how to do singles one night when Alpha was down.  (And no, I don’t expect you to know what Alpha or singles are.)   Twice last week there was VTO and not only did I not take it, I worked 2 hours of OT on those nights.  One of the nice things (for me) is that if they offer OT they can’t cancel it.  But I did have work both nights I stayed when there was VTO so it all worked out.

I was actually totally off meds for almost two weeks, but between everything in my life falling apart and the depression, I decided to start taking Wellbutrin.  Unlike the last two it hasn’t (yet) made me more depressed or motion sick.  Nor has it increased my appetite.  I’m actually eating less now than I was before.  I’m thinking that once I get to Mom’s I might start the Couch to 5K program. Although, since I’ll be working at least 50 hours a week, I might not have the time or the energy.  It’s not well lit at night so I don’t know that I can run after work.  I could try doing it before work. Now that I’m not getting up at 4:30 am I have energy in the morning.  Yeah, I do a lot better on a 2pm to 12:30 am schedule.  I could do a video before work then.  Mom won’t be home so I won’t be disturbing her.

I didn’t talk to anyone on the phone between 3/27 and 4/2.  Unless you count the OT line, but that’s a recording so I don’t.  I didn’t have much interaction with people.  I did next two people and made plans for Saturday.  I worked my tail off.  I was alone, but you know what?  I wasn’t lonely.  I didn’t cry all week.  I didn’t get angry.  I didn’t argue with anyone.  I almost feel guilty, but I didn’t miss Tom.  I must be a cold bitch to feel that way.  Friday I had an appointment with Melissa.  She was shocked that I broke up with Tom.  Shocked.  When I explained she said that she was glad that I was standing up for myself.  I was thinking and this is the first time in years that I’ve done that consistently.  I’m not the person I was a year ago.  Getting rid of the over abundance of meds has made a difference.

I feel like I have to learn who I am again.  I have to find out what I like and what I want to do.  I’m actually interested in doing things.  I made plans this past weekend and saw people.  People said I was different.  I am.  I have to find out where I’m going and what I want to do.  I’ve made changes in my life recently and I think I will be making more changes.  I’m not going to put with what I have in the past.  I’m not going to continually go out of my way for people who won’t help me.  Some of the things that go to me, don’t.  Some of the things I let go by, I no longer do.  I’m going to keep going and see where this takes me.

For awhile I’ve been drifting and not sure of what to do or where to go.  I’ve made decisions and tried my best, but things have fallen apart.  I think there’s something wrong in just about every area in my life. My health, my transportation, my job, my relationship, my shelter, my finances, etc. it all seems to be falling apart. I’ve gotten away from God and I’m not sure how to get back.  I’m afraid and I’m not sure why.  I’m not sure I can ever go back.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.

Tom was hit by a car Saturday night while walking around the complex.  He hurt his shoulder and his knee and is out from work until at least Thursday.  I thought that since he was trapped home and couldn’t work that I might get to spend some time with him even though I have to work.  The only think I can say is that I get to see him.  I can’t find my bluetooth at the moment so I can’t talk to him while I’m driving.  So I talked to him on all of my breaks yesterday.  After my 11 pm break he went to sleep.  It’s 11:39 am and he’s still sleeping.  I went grocery shopping last night and got him a bunch of stuff – clothes (his only fitting pair of jeans had to be cut due to the accident), food, flowers, Bengay, and cherry Crush.  He doesn’t even know it because he’s not awake.  He’s sleeping on the couch in the living room and didn’t wake when I brought groceries in, did dishes, and made myself something to eat.  I almost completely cleaned my room Sunday night and he didn’t even comment on it.  I felt so horrible yesterday and I still went to get him things at the store.  I was literally shaking when I got home and I had no help.  I know he’s hurt and that he needs to sleep in order to heal, but you know what?  I still resent it.  I was exhausted yesterday and had to work for 10+ hours.  I was shaking, feeling nauseated, having hot flashes, had back pain, etc.  I had to remind him to take the pain medication.  I’m trying to figure out how to afford everything and what to pay and not pay.  After I finish this I’m going to get dressed, eat breakfast, make lunch, call work and let them know I’m coming in early, and go to work to do some OT.  I have to cancel getting my car repaired on Friday.  I’m finishing up going through withdrawal and I’m just waiting for the back and abdominal cramps to start.  Not to mention the blood.  I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m hurting.  I know I hurt him on Sunday.  My emotions were out of control and things were going straight from my brain out my mouth.  I found out this weekend that not only has he been patronizing me, he’s also been lying to me.  He keeps telling me that it’s okay and that we’ll get through my medication trial and error and not to worry about cleaning if I just couldn’t do it.  On Friday (or was it Saturday?) he blew up about the fact that I hadn’t been cleaning things (which is incredibly hard to do when you’re depressed because you don’t give a shit about yourself, let alone the kitchen) and told me that I was a different person every weekend and he was sick of it.  If I’m a different person all the time, how can he know whether or not he loves me?  You can’t love someone if you don’t know who they are.  And will he love me when I’m finally through this?  I don’t know who I’ll be.  I’m not the co-dependent person I was when we met.  I wasn’t strong then and I depended on him for a whole lot.  I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again.  How am I supposed to know if he really loves me?  How am I supposed to know if he’ll love me a month from now?  I don’t know how to handle it all.  I’m scared and I’m alone.  I’m jealous of my friends who have people in their lives to talk to and do things with.  I don’t know where to go from here.  (He did get up at some point – the Bengay is open.)  I’m alone even when I’m with someone.  Sometimes I think I’ll always be alone.

How prepared are you for an emergency?  How often does your place of work have fire drills? Tornado drills? Do you know what to do in a flood? How would you get out of your house in an emergency?  Do you know the fastest ways to get to the exits?  What would happen if you couldn’t get out that way?  Do you have any way of marking your children’s rooms so that emergency responders know where to go first?  Do you have Mr. Yuck stickers, cabinet locks, and baby gates?  Do your children know what to do if there’s a fire?  Do you have a fire drill at home?  Where would your family meet if you got separated?  Do you have a contact person if there’s an emergency and you can’t be reached?

Remember September 11, 2001?  Did you know that the majority of the employees of Morgan Stanley got out alive?  We’re talking over 80%.  Why did they get out when so many people didn’t?  Experts say that it was due to the fact that over the past three years the gentleman in charge of security put his colleagues through a consistent and fairly rigorous series of fire drills.  The employees, especially the long time employees, knew where the exits were, where the stairs were, what it was like to go down the stairs, and where to meet after they got out of the building.  That man, who’s name I do not know, is credited with saving many lives.  Does your employer do drills?  When was the last time you had one?  Do you know the emergency plans for your company?  They should have them.  You should know them.  I encourage you to talk to the people you work for and encourage them to get this knowledge out.  It may just save your life.

It’s the first day of the new year.  Many of you have new homes, new family members, etc. Make plans. Check your escapes. Check you fire alarms.  It’s a proven fact that having some sort of plan and having practiced that plan can make the difference between life and death in a serious situation.  It’s a pain and can take time away from other things, but if you ever have to use it, it could save your life or the life of someone you love. Do you really want to deal with the possible consequences of not knowing what to do?

Have a healthy, happy, and safe new year!!

My boyfriend is a trucker and I love him dearly. I work as an order entry tech and I love it. But there are downfalls to these things. I now work 2 to 12:30. It’s a shift that I like and I like only working Monday through Thursday, but there are downfalls. I rarely get to talk to anyone. People are usually in bed by the time I get home. I can’t go out and do things on those days. I can’t call someone up after work to chat. It just doesn’t work. Tom’s away all week most of the time and recently he’s been gone on the weekends, too. When I switched shifts he said that he’d be able to work nights as well, but that just hasn’t happened. I talk to him on my breaks at work and on my way to work, but it’s just not the same. Plus he’s usually asleep for my last break. My Christmas tree isn’t up yet. My Christmas shopping isn’t really done. I’m doing Tom’s Christmas shopping for him. Since he’s only shopping for me right now, I know exactly what I’m getting and how much it costs. I have a better idea of when it’s going to get here as well. I really don’t think I’ll get them wrapped. I managed to save him a lot of money (I got three gifts for less than the cost of one on Amazon – eBay for the win!). He doesn’t know what I’m going to get him (though I did get outbid on what I was going to buy). It’s frustrating. I see posts about how this person is doing that with their SO or that person is doing this with their kids and I just feel lonely. I don’t know if Tom will be home for Christmas Eve or Christmas nor do I know if he’ll be home for New Year’s Eve or the banquet. Heck, I don’t even know if we’re going to go to the banquet because Terry’s been invited (knew that one) and apparently Desiree’s been invited. I’m lonely. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think there is anything that I can do about it. *sigh*

There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk.

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

The answer is yes. I think. It’s been busy around here. I’ve been working, but not working OT. I did get my bonus which means we’ll be able to pay rent this month. All my bills are paid for June and though July is started, I have to pay some more. I did see my finish my physical therapy. Yes, I’m finally done with the neck tortue. I start therapy next week. This is good, I think. I saw my phychiatrist and she yelled at me, of course. She wouldn’t let me stop the risperidol, which is what I want to do. I was told that after two to three months symptoms come back. It’s been three months, though, and my symptoms are pretty much not here. Read the rest of this entry »