There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk.

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

I’ve spent time today thinking about the past and now I’m pretty depressed. I also have no hot water and no one to talk to. That doesn’t help. I’m thinking about just going to bed. I feel fat, ugly, and old. Did you ever have days like that? I was listening to the ACF worship cd and the COTS worship cd this afternoon. I wish I could sing. I’ve been told that I can, but I’m just not sure I believe it right now. I remember when I was involved with stuff, when I had places to go and people to see. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t listen to Godspell. That would have really depressed me. Time for something more upbeat, I think.

I start physical therapy tomorrow. I drove over there tonight so I would know where it is. It’s not that hard to find and I’ll be able to make it in time – if all goes well. I just hope it does. Mom called to tell me that she’s okay. The doctor got all of the cells out of her. So that’s good news.

Eh, forget it. I’m taking my pills and going to bed. Night.

I’ve been having a rough time of it recently. The weather was nice for a while, but has gone bad in the past week. Rainy and coldish. Although the rain wasn’t as bad as I hoped. I’ve been very depressed. I’m thinking of starting to take the Welbutrin again, but I’m afraid to bring it up to Tom. He wants me off of the meds as much as I do. I’m still not off the Risperdal. I tried and it was just a mess. I missed my last appt with my psychiatrist. *sigh* That’s what I get for not listening to my messages. I worked 12 hours on Monday which sucked. I was exhausted for most of the day. Right up until it became time for me to go to sleep. *sigh* Today was tiring, but went much faster. I’m worried that Tom won’t be home for our anniversary. Mom’s having surgery. Small surgery, but surgery none the less. Debbie’s being a bitch. She upset me when I was feeling suicidal so I had a rough trip home last Thursday. I got the invitation for her bridal shower today. *sigh* I don’t have the money to buy her a gift. Somebody shoot me. I’m feeling very discouraged, unloved, unwanted, unlovable, unwantable, and like a failure. I suck.

There are two children in our family – my sister and me. One of us is a success and one of us is a failure. One of us has a house, is getting married, has a well paying position doing our dream job, is planning on raising a family, is a regular church goer, is being baptized soon, has no debt (other than the house), travels regularly, has maintained her weight, and is loved and adored by just about everyone she meets. The other is thousands of dollars in debt, renting, has a failed engagement, is being paid peanuts, dropped out of college, has cost her mother thousands of dollars, has gained 80lbs, and generally has no plans for the future. My sister would be the first and I would be the second. When it comes to the major things in life I can’t do anything right.

Do you see the egg on my face?  And where’s that crow I’m going to have to eat? There are days when I just think that I shouldn’t bother getting excited about something. It always seems to either be too good to be true or falls apart.  Maybe not everything, but it feels that way tonight.  *sigh*

Mom (who doesn’t work on Mondays) was doing some research and listening to the news.  I had told her about my plan for paying off my debts and she had been doubtful.  Isn’t there a clause somewhere that says the truth of the cliche “mother’s always right” runs out?  I was not happy, but I had been relieved.  I was doing something about my debt and was on my way out of debt in the next 33 months.  *sigh*  I should have known it was too good to be true.

Mom watched the news and saw a report on debt and the ways out there to settle it.  She had me watch the six o’clock news to see if they would re-run the report that they had run during the five o’clock  news (they did not) but I did check their web page and found this.  The news station is KDKA channel 2 in Pittsburgh, PA, related to the first broadcast radio station KDKA 1020.  That was disheartening, but it got worse when I went over to ConsumerReport.org.  This article was the most helpful to me.

This quote made me think (once I had read it and not heard just heard it from Mom):

“It’s possible to negotiate down the debt that you owe to a fraction of what it was before. In fact, bank officials that we talked to said they don’t give any better deals to the debt companies than they do to individuals that call them up personally,” said Tiernan.

Grant it I was very upset when Mom called and told me this. I don’t like to be wrong and once I have a plan settled on in my mind, I really like to stick with it. I’m not very fond of change.  Crying, yelling, swearing – it wasn’t pretty.  I was in my car and alone.  That’s probably the only good thing about it. lol  I’ve been in a pretty poor mood all evening, truth be told, and I’m hoping blogging it out will help.

So what am I going to do now?  I’m going to call the credit card companies.  To be honest, I’m really scared about it.  I don’t like confrontation at all and even more so when I’m feeling desperate.  I’m not sure how much they are going to be willing to help me, but I am going to give it a shot before I take my next step.  I’ll start with Bank of America and go on from there.  I may have to do them one at a time.  I don’t know.  I don’t know how much I can afford to pay.  I should figure that though, shouldn’t I?

The moral of the story? Never go against your mother.  She almost always ends up being right.

I’ve had a couple people ask me what happened today and its not just one thing. Its been a day long event. Here we go!

I got up a half hour early due to a closed bridge on my route. I was so happy. Its amazing how things can change. I walked out my door and closed it not stopping in enough time to keep it from closing. Why did I need to keep the door from closing you ask? Well, the door was locked and my keys were still inside. Its now 430 in the morning and my day was just beginning.

Remembering that Tom had told me that it was “easy” to break into our apartment, I tried. With his help and without his help. All I got was a damaged card and some blisters. Oh, and all hot and sweaty. Really sweaty. He said call you mom; she has a key to your car and you can still go into work. I’d be late and half to leave early to get back in the aparment to keep from paying $200+ to get back in. So I call Mom, get her out of bed and she heads up here. We’re having a horrible time staying connected. But she comes.

We knew it was going to set the car alarm off, but having been assured that yes the car would start we went for it. Well, the alarm did go off but the car did not start. *sigh* At this point Mom and I head for McDonald’s to get something to eat. We stay there till 745. Mom says JC Penny’s is opening early so we head over there so she can show me the dress she likes. Its not open. So we go shopping. And finally head over to the office to get the door unlocked.

Mr Maintenance Man had to come from his house so it looked like I was going to have to stay even longer. Luckily I got my first break of the day. One of the nice ladies who work in the office goes over to my apartment with me and lets me in. Mom gets her cup and I head for work.

I made it to work okay, but then the trouble started up again. They had me crossed off the list. I had called and told them I was going to be late and possibly not be there at all but that I was going to try to make it in. I go to the seat that they have to be in and someone’s sitting there. There is an open seat, but there’s no chair. I steal a chair and log in. I should mention at this point that I’m in one of the new dual stations and unlike everybody else the never trained me to use it. But the girls next to me said they would help. I log in and try to get into Enterprise. It won’t let me. I try again. Still no luck. They say shut down and restart so I do. The say what are you going into. I say Citrix and they say no, you have to go into alpha gateway. *sigh* So I go in there and it lets me in. However it is running like frozen mollasses. So I restart. Again. Still running slow.

I go back to the lead, Greg, and tell him my problem. He says to go to G9. I log out and grab all my stuff (jacket, purse, lunchbox, backpack, and cup) and head there. I log in and the computer won’t let me in on either side (I was in a multiple station which has two computers). I go back to Greg and he says let me see. He then says go to A. I log out and grab a seat over there. He’s still with me and I try to log in to both sides of the A station (it was a multiple, too). One side I have no luck, the other side I hit paydirt. He says stay in singles and try again in about 15 minutes and leaves me be. I go and sign the board because its taken over 20 minutes to get to a point where I can actually work. This gets my punch changed and prevents my numbers from dropping. I start working. I try the other side – no luck. I wait and try again. Yay! It works! So I punch into multiples and start working. I get one done and look! Its time for lunch.

I go to lunch and find out Gerry’s was fired yesterday, just like I had thought. Becky, Stacey, and Maryanne all know that their probation is being extended. I haven’t heard a thing about mine. Lovely, more to worry about all weekend. We hear that the schedules been changed and head over to check it out.

My seat (B33) is now highlighted and it says to go into Tampa. So I log out of the A station, grab all my stuff (again) and head for B33. I log in there and we’re talking. In the meeting yesterday they had said specifically that if you’re in a new dual station stay in it all day. So Becky goes and asks the supervisor on duty and he says no. Go into Tampa. We then realize that the stations we’re working in won’t go into Tampa. Another girl went and asked and we’re told to go to A or G. So I log out and grab all my stuff and head back to my A station. I log in and another break. They both work. So I head back to the board to log my problems and have my punches corrected again. I work.

I develop a really sore knee, a headache, tension pain in my neck and shourlders. By the end of the day I feel tired and kinda cryey. I decided that this would not be good for me to go to the party with. *sigh* I really wanted to go to the party. My friends already think that a) I’m flakey and B) I can’t be counted on and I don’t want to perpetuate that. But I’m basically done in. I also had told the SCK that there was a good chance that I wouldn’t be there due to the fact that I have to get up at 3 in the morning. That’s right – 3 am. I haven’t been able to get a hold of Tom all day (and I’ve tried three times). He did call me while I was working but I couldn’t answer then. He finally calls and I go home.

Nope, it doesn’t stop there. I get home and go to make macaroni and cheese with hot dog in it. I reach down to pull out the drawer beneath the oven which has all the pots and pans. It won’t open. I get down on the floor (with the sore knee, tension in the neck and shoulders and painful back), practically pull the door front off and can’t figure out why it won’t open. I push it in a little and pull back – voila! It opens. *sigh*

I finish eating. The whole time I’ve been having connection problems with Tom. Then I get diarrhea. I try to take a nap, but it doesn’t work. Tom wakes me (apparently I did fall asleep) and I go to take my pills. I get them out, pick them up, and realize I don’t have anything to drink. I grab it, come out to the living room, grab my computer, and sit down. Firefox crashes. Digsby crashes. I get them both restarted and the connection isn’t very good. Most of the FF pages won’t load and Digsby won’t connect. They finally do start working and that brings me to this point.

That is my bad day, but there were some bright points. I got to spend time with Mom. I got to get some groceries. I found out what happened to Gerry. I got to lie down in my bed. Most importantly – I panicked for 15 seconds or less and that was it. True, I did cry a tiny bit after work, but nothing like my depression and anxiety normally would have had me doing. Being off those pills is awesome! Sometimes I think that God does things like this to me so I know how much I can handle. Thank God.

Well, here’s what’s been going on.  I had my gall bladder out on Monday.  I don’t have to go back to work till next Wednesday.  I was approved for Short Term Disability.

I’m pretty sure Tom’s gotten his dream back.  I don’t want to say anything more because I don’t want to jinx it.  But it is amazing how God moves in people’s lives.

Mom had a tooth crack and it was removed.  That was giving her a lot of pain.  This is her first day bak at work since Thursday. She had to stay home with me Monday and yesterday which gave her two more days to recover.

Dad and Kathy came to the hospital with me.  I wasn’t sure I wanted them there, but got scared and called them Monday morning and they still came.  I wish Tom would have been able to have been there, but I know what he was doing was important.  I can’t wait to talk to him later.

Tom has Verizon on one of his phones. I have Verizon.  This means we can talk to each other on these phones at any hour of the day and not have to worry about going over minutes.  This is a good thing.  I know we used over a thousand peak minutes last month.  But I did have to get a texting plan.  So if you want to text me, you can!

Yes, I’ll probably be spammy this week as I get feeling better.  Its been a long time since I’ve had time to sit at the computer for any length of time.  Tom and I usually stay out too late!

I think tis time for me to go lie down and think about my sin of eating something too complicated too soon.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be back.

Stolen from nancypaynter who stole it from someone else. I don’t know who that someone else is, but here are my answers.

You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, “Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???” And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.

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My view of the world is a very negative one.

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