by LiveJournal user xbelladollx

Today didn’t go so well. Mom had a visitor so I ended up staying upstairs longer than I wanted to. When he was finally gone I went downstairs, but my sugar was really low. Mom was worried and took my sugar with her glucometer and it was 79. That’s the lowest my sugar’s been that I know of. So I had some juice and a small piece of cheesecake. Once I was done with my shower I felt much better…except that my stomach isn’t a big fan of a lot of juice so it ended up quite upset. We skipped going to dinner, went grocery shopping, and came home to watch the CMA Music Festival on GAC. I stayed downstairs with them for a couple hours. I had some Italian bread which helped to calm my stomach. I came upstairs and fixed (hopefully!) my stink bug problem. Mom found some weather stripping and I stuffed into the gap. I did have to vacuum up some stink bugs first. I was going to bake a cake, but I’m not feeling well so it’s not going to happen. I did make some shells in the Pasta Boat. Unfortunately, the lid came off and the first batch ended up in the sink so I had to make a second batch. *sigh*
Tomorrow is the Steelers vs the Browns with Big Ben back in the lineup. It’s also the day we’re going to try out the crock pot and make some pot roast. We got the ingredients tonight since we’ll have to start it early. I’m hoping to get the cake done as well. Since grocery shopping is done all I have to do is vacuuming and laundry. I guess I should do some other cleaning as well. That was the weekend so far. And I have a blog post! Good night!

Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore.  Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard.  Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave.  I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long.  Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy.   The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful.  It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!).  But still – Jim was my last single RL friend.  Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant.  *shrug*  She’ll find someone.  She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom.  I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more.  It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end.  I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.

I’m not normal.  Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird.  I love to read sci fi and fantasy.  I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS.  I hate the majority of the reality TV shows.  I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game.  I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games.  I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m not comfortable in large groups.  Okay, certain types  of large groups.  Baseball games yes, parties no.  I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it.  It tends to lose something when you have to explain it.  I have a schedule that most people don’t follow.  I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.).  I like spice scented and apple scented candles.  It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty.  I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish.  I do wish.  But I don’t see it happening.  Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared.  The last two I thought were serious.  I ended up with nothing at the end of both.  In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on.  The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state.  Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified.  Not to mention that dating is too expensive.  Don’t try to tell me it isn’t.  I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.

So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will.  I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change.  I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me.  I’m not going to beg.  Fear will keep me from large groups.  Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal.  Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.

I don’t normally have problems with the power company.  We don’t have many outages and the ones we do have don’t usually last long.  I’m not counting the outages during the great snow storms of February 2010, though.  That’s nowhere near normal for us.  Not to mention that I was only without power for about an hour, though I was without heat for much longer.  But that was Leland Pointe’s fault.  I digress.  I’m not too happy that rates will be going up soon, but I can live with it.

So why, you wonder, am I upset?  (And yes, I’m upset.  I’ve been fuming, panicking, and grumbling off and on, though rarely all at the same time.)  Duquesne Light has decided that they are going to upgrade the power system in Cantebury Commons.  Great! Wonderful for Cantebury Commons people.  Well, except for those who are furious that they will now have boxes in their yards.  They are also going to do some upgrading to Castlewood.  Wonderful! Why am I upset?  Because not only will I be without power during the day between the hours of 8:00 am and 4:30 pm M-R next week (though they said at the meeting that they would probably not shut the power off till Tuesday or Wednesday since they had to bring all the equipment in and junk), the power will be on and off intermittently for the next 6 weeks.   Yes, you read that right. 6 freaking weeks.

Mom went to the meeting they held on Tuesday and found out several things.  The representative (who retired from DL and now consults for them) said that the cables and equipment were 30 to 40 years old.  Um…we moved in in 2001 and Castlewood (the plan I live in) was only about 5 years old, if that, at that time.  So that makes our plan 14 years old.  Cantebury is that old, but now us.  The issue is that Castlewood is behind Cantebury.  You have to go through Cantebury to get to Castlewood.  So all the power goes through Cantebury to get to Castelwood.  So the entire time they will be working on the main part of the project (Cantebury) we (Castlewood) will have power interruptions.  It will take six weeks or so to get through it all.  They need to put three types of boxes in.  Castlewood has 2 of the 3 in spots around the neighborhood already.  All we need is the mini coffin one (the reps description, not mine).  Cantebury has no boxes – they all have underground sewer-type access.  As they progress through Cantebury the people there will stop having power outages.  The people closest to the beginning will be out the shortest amount of time.  Those of us who are practically up to date will be with power the most amount of time.

Did I mention that they didn’t bother to check the demographics of the people living in these plans?  Cantebury is younger people and middle-aged people.  Castlewood, however, is a patio home community.  The majority of the residents are retirees.  The didn’t have enough room at their meeting because they didn’t expect anyone to show up since the outages would basically be during work hours.  He said that, looked at the group there, then made the remark that they hadn’t bothered to check the demographics.  *sigh*  Now that he’s seen the people at the meeting they will definitely bring a cooling trailer in for next week.   He also said to duct tape the fridge closed so no one opens it.  Yup, duct tape.  To people over 65.  Yeah, I could an 80 year-old grandmother getting out the duct tape for that.  *rolls eyes* Mom’s going to have to unhook the electric garage opener to make it manual.  The family who has someone who needs oxygen will get a generator that will run the oxygen and the fridge.

So why won’t I be around?  Because I will be staying at my father’s house and I’m not sure how I will be able to use the internet.  He has it, but I’m not sure how I would hook it up and all that.  You see, I get up at 10:49 am.  I live upstairs in the loft on the side of the house that faces the sun in the morning.  On an afternoon when the sun was on the other side of the house and was going down, the loft went from 73 degrees to 80 degrees in less than 2 hours with the air off.  The windows do have black out drapes and yes, I have 2 windows.  However, the windows are in dormers which do not provide much air circulation.  You need a fan for that and with no power I have no fan.  Also, I will have no lights to see by.  I will not have an alarm clock to wake me up.  No hot water for my shower, not to mention that the bathrooms (both of them) are in the inside of the house with no windows.  Hard to do hair, brush teeth, put contacts in without being able to see.  I do salads for my lunch with an apple.  I would have to open the fridge to get it (I put ham on my salad for some protein.) I normally make a hot dog in the microwave and eat it as I drive out of the plan. I can do almost none of that with no power!  So I’m removing to my father’s and Kathy’s for the week.

Did I mention that they don’t work on F, S or S?  And that they can’t leave until the power goes on each day no matter how late it takes (though it should never be later than 8 pm)?  And that we should unplug everything so they don’t get fried in power surges when the power goes back on each night?

See, the first week isn’t that difficult.  I’m just going to Dad’s where there will be power even if there’s no a/c.  But at least I’ll be able to use a fan or 2!   The difficult part (for me) is the next 5 weeks.  There is no set schedule as to when the power will be out.  We can call after 5 pm to find out who the power will be out for the next day and when.  Isn’t that nice of them?  Of course, some nights I don’t get home until after 3 am which doesn’t give me much time to figure out what  the hell I’m going to do if they decide to shut the power off between 10:45 am and 12:25 pm.  And since I live in Castlewood, that could happen often.  But only on M-R!  Of course, I only work M-R and I have no time to take off until my vacation at the end of September (which is 7 weeks away, of course) and no time to take off after that until December!  If I did, I would have stayed home sick on Monday! I’m sorry, I have 5 hours.  That’s half a day.   It’s not going to go very far over 5 weeks.  Not  to mention that until I get to the last hour, I have to to take it in 2 hour increments.   So I can use it three times.  *sigh*  I wish I could move somewhere until the end of September.  It would make life so much easier.  Although I would miss Mom, Jack, Gracie, and especially my baby Kit Kit.  Who for some reason feels the need to try and cover his water dish.  I don’t know why, but I was just watching him paw the carpet and table shelf around his water bowl.  And no, I can’t just run over to Dad’s and take a shower on those days after the first week.  He lives 45 minutes or so away from Mom!  Argh!

But if you don’t see me next week, that’s why.  Stupid power company and their stupid upgrades and not upgrading Cantebury when they extended the lines to build Castlewood.

I’m starting to get sick of feeling pressured by people telling me I need to or should get my degree.  First thing, it’s expensive and I’m broke.  I have to pay off bills before I could consider that it and that will take years.  By then finishing my education will be even more expensive!  The thing is I’m not really sure why I need it.  I’ve never not had a job, other than the two or three weeks after Team went out of business.  I’ve had jobs where you need a degree and multiple of years in the industry (neither of which I had).  I will (eventually) make more at the job I have (which I don’t need a degree for) than I have at any other job.  2 years and 2 and a half months.  The only degree I’m close to getting is an English degree.  What on earth am I going to do with that?  I don’t know what else I would do.  Medical transcriptionist has been suggested.  Do they really have degrees for that?  I thought that was a certificate thing.  *shrug*  Melissa says to get a degree to move up in my job.  Um…I don’t know what degrees you need to become a pharmacist, but I bet it’s expensive.  Not to mention that I don’t really want to be a pharmacist.  They have to talk to people.  Melissa thinks I should go into management.   I don’t understand why.  I don’t really want to.  I don’t really want to have to deal with all the things that managers have to deal with.  I like what I do now.  I guess there’s something wrong with me because I’m not that ambitious.  I don’t understand why I have to be.  Can’t my goals just be to be better at the job I have?  I have room for improvement.

Another thing I don’t understand is the pressure on me to date.  Why can’t I just not date?  Melissa spent 20 minutes telling me I should date.  I should find someone at work.  I should meet guy’s eyes at coffee shops and bookstore cafes.  I should join eHarmony and find someone online.  There are difficulties with that.  Most of the people at work are in relationships or are married.  Not to mention that they don’t talk to me.  And the fact that most of them like to go out and drink and I don’t.  I don’t like coffee.  When I go somewhere with a book I’m basically focused on the book.  I get lost in it unless I have to be aware of the time.  I don’t look at the people there with me.  Meeting people online isn’t exactly the most safe of things to do.  I know plenty of people who have done it, but I’m very wary.  Melissa pushed eHarmony on me, but I know that’s expensive.  She said look for a free weekend.  She doesn’t want me to “waste my cuteness”.  I didn’t know it was wasted because I wasn’t going out with anyone. *rolls eyes*

Why do I need to date in the first place?  I don’t want children so I don’t really have to worry about a biological clock or anything.  I have depression which can be quite difficult and most people, especially men, don’t understand.  Even some of those who claim to understand have negative prejudices about depression.  I also don’t tend to trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships.  I’ve dated 6 guys.   2 of the relationships were extremely short.  1 of them was okay, but we just weren’t right for each other.  2 of them were very unhealthy.  2 of them drained me completely financially.  (1 of them was both unhealthy and draining.  That’s why the numbers don’t add up.)  The later ones seem to be worse than the earlier ones.  5 out of 6 is not a good record.  I’m sick of going through it.  I seem to end up giving too much and getting too little.  I don’t want to do it any more.  I also don’t go anywhere where I would meet people.  Melissa suggested I ask my friends if they know any single guys.  Yeah, so not me.  Not going to happen.  Oh yeah, it’s only been about 4 months since I broke up with the last guy.

I know these leaves me in a bad place for the future.  I know it will end up with me alone with no one constant in a few years.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.  I’m focusing more on what I’m doing now.  I don’t understand why that’s not good enough for people.  I’m content where I am, for the most part.  I’m not thrillingly happy, but I’m not horribly depressed.  I can stand the former and I love the latter.  People who don’t have depression don’t understand how wonderful the absence of sadness can be.

I look at my future and it’s not so bright.  I don’t have a kid, fiance, boyfriend, or husband.  I have Mom, Dad, and Kathy.  I’m not close to my sister or my step sister.  And by not close I mean we don’t speak for months at at time.  My sister is married and my step sister is engaged.  The rest of my family is states away.  Many states, in some cases.  My parents (with the exception of Kathy – I’m not sure how old she is, but my step sister is 9-10 years younger than I am) are in their 60′s.  Since my father’s father is 93 and still living mostly on his own (see my post My Grandfather is Amazing) so he’ll be around for a long time, I think.  My mother on the other hand is a different story.  Diabetes and colon cancer are the legacies of her parents.  She doesn’t want life saving procedures done.  She’s not even sure she wants blood transfusions.  I know she doesn’t want to have a long life.  I’m not sure how long of a life she wants, but I know she doesn’t want a long one.  It makes me sad.  I don’t like to think about losing my parents.  I’ll be basically completely alone at that point.

I don’t want children.  I’m not good with children.  In fact young children scare me.  Not to mention that I really don’t want to pass down the problems in my genes.  Then there’s the fact that I would most likely have to go off my antidepressant if I became pregnant and that would definitely not be good.  If I survived that, you can forget about breast feeding.  As much as I’d want to, I know I can’t handle my regular life, let alone a baby and possible postpartum depression, if I’m not on antidepressants.  And yes, I do realize that this will leave no one to take care of me in my old age.  My mother (who doesn’t like children) has already pointed that out numerous times.

I also really don’t expect to find a spouse.  I’m not really sure I want to find one at this point.  People can’t handle being around me because of my depression (not to mention the fact that I really don’t tend to fit in with most of my peer group.  I never have.). It’s even worse for those who live with me.  It’s not going to change.  There’s no magic issue that I can work through that’s going to make my severe depression disappear.  I have to be medicated.  Of course, being medicated properly is important as well, but my life has been a series of everything falling apart that I don’t think people will put up with.  Not to mention that a lot of men (and yes, I know this is a stereotype) have problems understanding emotions.  My illness is emotions.  A lot of the time it’s been out of control emotions.

There are other problems with spouses.  I have bad judgement when it comes to romantic relationships.  The past two major ones (okay, that’s the past two, but who’s counting?) have ended with me totally drained – emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  My other relationship choices (with one exception) haven’t been all that great either.  I don’t trust myself to find someone.   I don’t want to go from relationship to relationship anymore.  I’m not joining dating sites, going to bars, going speed dating, or any of the other find-a-mate things.  My schedule is a mess.  I can’t go to most get-togethers. I tend to be either at work or asleep.  The people I work with do not talk to me.  I don’t fit in with their sex text, drinking lives.  *shrug*  I don’t want to.

The upshot of all of this is in a very short amount of time I will be basically be completely alone.  I’m sure I’ll interact with people on places like Facebook and LJ and occasionally see the people I knew in school and at past work places, but it’s not like that’s going to be often.  I’m a loner and though it’s not always by choice, it’s the way things are.  The way things will be.  I’ve been struggling for 20 or so years to change it.  A lot of that was desperation due to my illness, but I’m going to try not to struggle with it anymore.  What will be, will be and all that jazz.  Still, it’s not always pleasant to contemplate.  I try not to, but the worse my depression is, the worse the obsession with it gets. Also the more morbid the thoughts get.  I start thinking about how I’ll die and no one will notice for days, weeks, months.  *shrug*

Well, enough sadness.  Moving on….

Grandpa is the dapper guy on the left side in front. Those are all pictures of that side of the family from my sister’s wedding.

Yesterday my Aunt in California emailed me to tell me Grandpa was given a Presidential Achievement award on Thursday.  He is 93 and volunteers at an adult daycare in California.  He even made the news: Seal Beach Man, 93, is Super Volunteer.  I am so very proud of him.  He’s been through a lot and he is still a caring, wonderful man.  He danced the foxtrot with my sister at her wedding.  He has macular degeneration and has great difficulty in seeing, but still goes out to help others.  I just hope that I’ll get the chance to see him again.  I love you, Grandpa!

I was rather proud of myself and posted it everywhere, but alas, I’ve not worked on it since.  I’ve been too tired (hey, you try working 12 and a half hour days and then come home and knit at 3:30 am!), too busy (party and shopping and party and unpacking), or it’s been too hot (with the ac on up here it was 81 degrees!).  I’ll get back to it because I have a goal.  I want to knit socks.

Mom gave me some help in that direction.  I was talking about knitting socks and she knew that I would need some double pointed needles (dpn).  She said she had some, dug them out of her sewing basket, and gave them to me.  They are bone dpns that my great-grandmother used way back when.  Wow!  I don’t remember what size they are and I just packed them away in my knitting bag.  I can’t wait to find a pattern and yarn so I can use them.  After I finish my scarf. *sigh*

Thursday we doubled one med and added another.   I really wish I would have had some more time for it to get into my system before Friday morning.   I now go into therapy expecting to be attacked therefore I’m defensive.  When I’m struggling not to cry, my tone gets sharper.  Apparently based upon this she decided that I was that way to everyone all the time.  My perceptions are out of what and a lot of the time I know it, but I can’t get past it.  Not to mention that the worse my emotional level gets the harder it is to remember it.  *shrug*  By Friday evening I was soooo much better.  I’m calm, I haven’t felt like crying since Friday morning.  I had a set back trying to get a different brand of contacts.  I was hoping to get the change at Moon, but they said I had to go to my original Wal-Mart.  So Mom and I went out to Pleasant Hills and got it done.  I didn’t end up in tears and last weekend I would.  I would also had given up and not made the effort to get it done.  I’m making plans with people.  I’m not afraid to see my friends.  I don’t feel like no one wants me.  I don’t feel like I want to die.  I don’t feel like everyone has forgotten me, and when I thought that might have been the case, I wasn’t in tears.  I’m not obsessing.  I’m not looking at Facebook and feeling absolutely lonely and miserable.  It’s like someone flipped a switch.  Or was pushing up on a dimmer switch.  I don’t know how to explain it and I’m not sure any explanation I could come up with would do it justice.  *shrug*  Sometimes it feels like I’m too different people.  It looks like unfortunately I’m one of those people who needs to be on medication.  I don’t like that, but it’s worth it to feel normal.  I hate being this way because people don’t understand.  I’m so worried about people getting the wrong impression (and I know they do) and about offending people.  There’s not much I can do about that.  I definitely feel out of control when my meds aren’t doing right.  I don’t know how this will be once the initial high wears off.  *shrug*  You just have to keep going and take it one day at a time.