I’m starting to get sick of feeling pressured by people telling me I need to or should get my degree.  First thing, it’s expensive and I’m broke.  I have to pay off bills before I could consider that it and that will take years.  By then finishing my education will be even more expensive!  The thing is I’m not really sure why I need it.  I’ve never not had a job, other than the two or three weeks after Team went out of business.  I’ve had jobs where you need a degree and multiple of years in the industry (neither of which I had).  I will (eventually) make more at the job I have (which I don’t need a degree for) than I have at any other job.  2 years and 2 and a half months.  The only degree I’m close to getting is an English degree.  What on earth am I going to do with that?  I don’t know what else I would do.  Medical transcriptionist has been suggested.  Do they really have degrees for that?  I thought that was a certificate thing.  *shrug*  Melissa says to get a degree to move up in my job.  Um…I don’t know what degrees you need to become a pharmacist, but I bet it’s expensive.  Not to mention that I don’t really want to be a pharmacist.  They have to talk to people.  Melissa thinks I should go into management.   I don’t understand why.  I don’t really want to.  I don’t really want to have to deal with all the things that managers have to deal with.  I like what I do now.  I guess there’s something wrong with me because I’m not that ambitious.  I don’t understand why I have to be.  Can’t my goals just be to be better at the job I have?  I have room for improvement.

Another thing I don’t understand is the pressure on me to date.  Why can’t I just not date?  Melissa spent 20 minutes telling me I should date.  I should find someone at work.  I should meet guy’s eyes at coffee shops and bookstore cafes.  I should join eHarmony and find someone online.  There are difficulties with that.  Most of the people at work are in relationships or are married.  Not to mention that they don’t talk to me.  And the fact that most of them like to go out and drink and I don’t.  I don’t like coffee.  When I go somewhere with a book I’m basically focused on the book.  I get lost in it unless I have to be aware of the time.  I don’t look at the people there with me.  Meeting people online isn’t exactly the most safe of things to do.  I know plenty of people who have done it, but I’m very wary.  Melissa pushed eHarmony on me, but I know that’s expensive.  She said look for a free weekend.  She doesn’t want me to “waste my cuteness”.  I didn’t know it was wasted because I wasn’t going out with anyone. *rolls eyes*

Why do I need to date in the first place?  I don’t want children so I don’t really have to worry about a biological clock or anything.  I have depression which can be quite difficult and most people, especially men, don’t understand.  Even some of those who claim to understand have negative prejudices about depression.  I also don’t tend to trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships.  I’ve dated 6 guys.   2 of the relationships were extremely short.  1 of them was okay, but we just weren’t right for each other.  2 of them were very unhealthy.  2 of them drained me completely financially.  (1 of them was both unhealthy and draining.  That’s why the numbers don’t add up.)  The later ones seem to be worse than the earlier ones.  5 out of 6 is not a good record.  I’m sick of going through it.  I seem to end up giving too much and getting too little.  I don’t want to do it any more.  I also don’t go anywhere where I would meet people.  Melissa suggested I ask my friends if they know any single guys.  Yeah, so not me.  Not going to happen.  Oh yeah, it’s only been about 4 months since I broke up with the last guy.

I know these leaves me in a bad place for the future.  I know it will end up with me alone with no one constant in a few years.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.  I’m focusing more on what I’m doing now.  I don’t understand why that’s not good enough for people.  I’m content where I am, for the most part.  I’m not thrillingly happy, but I’m not horribly depressed.  I can stand the former and I love the latter.  People who don’t have depression don’t understand how wonderful the absence of sadness can be.

I look at my future and it’s not so bright.  I don’t have a kid, fiance, boyfriend, or husband.  I have Mom, Dad, and Kathy.  I’m not close to my sister or my step sister.  And by not close I mean we don’t speak for months at at time.  My sister is married and my step sister is engaged.  The rest of my family is states away.  Many states, in some cases.  My parents (with the exception of Kathy – I’m not sure how old she is, but my step sister is 9-10 years younger than I am) are in their 60′s.  Since my father’s father is 93 and still living mostly on his own (see my post My Grandfather is Amazing) so he’ll be around for a long time, I think.  My mother on the other hand is a different story.  Diabetes and colon cancer are the legacies of her parents.  She doesn’t want life saving procedures done.  She’s not even sure she wants blood transfusions.  I know she doesn’t want to have a long life.  I’m not sure how long of a life she wants, but I know she doesn’t want a long one.  It makes me sad.  I don’t like to think about losing my parents.  I’ll be basically completely alone at that point.

I don’t want children.  I’m not good with children.  In fact young children scare me.  Not to mention that I really don’t want to pass down the problems in my genes.  Then there’s the fact that I would most likely have to go off my antidepressant if I became pregnant and that would definitely not be good.  If I survived that, you can forget about breast feeding.  As much as I’d want to, I know I can’t handle my regular life, let alone a baby and possible postpartum depression, if I’m not on antidepressants.  And yes, I do realize that this will leave no one to take care of me in my old age.  My mother (who doesn’t like children) has already pointed that out numerous times.

I also really don’t expect to find a spouse.  I’m not really sure I want to find one at this point.  People can’t handle being around me because of my depression (not to mention the fact that I really don’t tend to fit in with most of my peer group.  I never have.). It’s even worse for those who live with me.  It’s not going to change.  There’s no magic issue that I can work through that’s going to make my severe depression disappear.  I have to be medicated.  Of course, being medicated properly is important as well, but my life has been a series of everything falling apart that I don’t think people will put up with.  Not to mention that a lot of men (and yes, I know this is a stereotype) have problems understanding emotions.  My illness is emotions.  A lot of the time it’s been out of control emotions.

There are other problems with spouses.  I have bad judgement when it comes to romantic relationships.  The past two major ones (okay, that’s the past two, but who’s counting?) have ended with me totally drained – emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  My other relationship choices (with one exception) haven’t been all that great either.  I don’t trust myself to find someone.   I don’t want to go from relationship to relationship anymore.  I’m not joining dating sites, going to bars, going speed dating, or any of the other find-a-mate things.  My schedule is a mess.  I can’t go to most get-togethers. I tend to be either at work or asleep.  The people I work with do not talk to me.  I don’t fit in with their sex text, drinking lives.  *shrug*  I don’t want to.

The upshot of all of this is in a very short amount of time I will be basically be completely alone.  I’m sure I’ll interact with people on places like Facebook and LJ and occasionally see the people I knew in school and at past work places, but it’s not like that’s going to be often.  I’m a loner and though it’s not always by choice, it’s the way things are.  The way things will be.  I’ve been struggling for 20 or so years to change it.  A lot of that was desperation due to my illness, but I’m going to try not to struggle with it anymore.  What will be, will be and all that jazz.  Still, it’s not always pleasant to contemplate.  I try not to, but the worse my depression is, the worse the obsession with it gets. Also the more morbid the thoughts get.  I start thinking about how I’ll die and no one will notice for days, weeks, months.  *shrug*

Well, enough sadness.  Moving on….

Grandpa is the dapper guy on the left side in front. Those are all pictures of that side of the family from my sister’s wedding.

Yesterday my Aunt in California emailed me to tell me Grandpa was given a Presidential Achievement award on Thursday.  He is 93 and volunteers at an adult daycare in California.  He even made the news: Seal Beach Man, 93, is Super Volunteer.  I am so very proud of him.  He’s been through a lot and he is still a caring, wonderful man.  He danced the foxtrot with my sister at her wedding.  He has macular degeneration and has great difficulty in seeing, but still goes out to help others.  I just hope that I’ll get the chance to see him again.  I love you, Grandpa!

I was rather proud of myself and posted it everywhere, but alas, I’ve not worked on it since.  I’ve been too tired (hey, you try working 12 and a half hour days and then come home and knit at 3:30 am!), too busy (party and shopping and party and unpacking), or it’s been too hot (with the ac on up here it was 81 degrees!).  I’ll get back to it because I have a goal.  I want to knit socks.

Mom gave me some help in that direction.  I was talking about knitting socks and she knew that I would need some double pointed needles (dpn).  She said she had some, dug them out of her sewing basket, and gave them to me.  They are bone dpns that my great-grandmother used way back when.  Wow!  I don’t remember what size they are and I just packed them away in my knitting bag.  I can’t wait to find a pattern and yarn so I can use them.  After I finish my scarf. *sigh*

Thursday we doubled one med and added another.   I really wish I would have had some more time for it to get into my system before Friday morning.   I now go into therapy expecting to be attacked therefore I’m defensive.  When I’m struggling not to cry, my tone gets sharper.  Apparently based upon this she decided that I was that way to everyone all the time.  My perceptions are out of what and a lot of the time I know it, but I can’t get past it.  Not to mention that the worse my emotional level gets the harder it is to remember it.  *shrug*  By Friday evening I was soooo much better.  I’m calm, I haven’t felt like crying since Friday morning.  I had a set back trying to get a different brand of contacts.  I was hoping to get the change at Moon, but they said I had to go to my original Wal-Mart.  So Mom and I went out to Pleasant Hills and got it done.  I didn’t end up in tears and last weekend I would.  I would also had given up and not made the effort to get it done.  I’m making plans with people.  I’m not afraid to see my friends.  I don’t feel like no one wants me.  I don’t feel like I want to die.  I don’t feel like everyone has forgotten me, and when I thought that might have been the case, I wasn’t in tears.  I’m not obsessing.  I’m not looking at Facebook and feeling absolutely lonely and miserable.  It’s like someone flipped a switch.  Or was pushing up on a dimmer switch.  I don’t know how to explain it and I’m not sure any explanation I could come up with would do it justice.  *shrug*  Sometimes it feels like I’m too different people.  It looks like unfortunately I’m one of those people who needs to be on medication.  I don’t like that, but it’s worth it to feel normal.  I hate being this way because people don’t understand.  I’m so worried about people getting the wrong impression (and I know they do) and about offending people.  There’s not much I can do about that.  I definitely feel out of control when my meds aren’t doing right.  I don’t know how this will be once the initial high wears off.  *shrug*  You just have to keep going and take it one day at a time.

Friday was rough.  I moved stuff over to Mom’s.  I left the apartment at around 4:30 pm.  I returned around 8 and got Tom to go and change the phone plans.  I did not go into the apartment.  After changing the phone plans we return.  I walked in and found the lights on.  I got angry.  No one was home so there was no reason for the lights to be on.  I went straight into the bedroom without looking around.  I don’t know why, but I wasn’t feeling very good and I was tired.  Tom said he was going out several hours later and asked me if there was anything I wanted him to do.  I didn’t get up and look.  I was working on the computer.  I said no.  I still had stuff I wanted to do and I planned to get up around midnight and spend an hour to an hour and a half cleaning and packing before I went to sleep.  When I did that Tom was not there.  The living room was a mess.  All of the things which I had not packed for him before he got home were lying around the room.  So I had to pick all of that up.  I put it on the couch.  I was furious.  I could not believe that he went out without finishing his own packing.  He had about 5 hours to do it in and there’s no way it would have taken that long.  he came home while I was doing it.  He yelled at me, telling me it was my fault because I hadn’t told him to pack his stuff.  He also said that it didn’t matter since my dad’s fiance had just said anything that wasn’t packed wasn’t going.  Excuse me, but we had to go through the living room to move stuff and move items that were covered with his stuff.  He didn’t get home until after 1 am and we had to be up early in the morning to get the truck.  Also, I didn’t know I was supposed to tell him to pack his own stuff.  I didn’t realize that it wouldn’t be obvious that the rooms and furniture had to be clear in order to do the move.  I didn’t realize that I had to tell him to do it before he left to go out and have fun.  I didn’t go and one of the reasons I told him that I couldn’t go was that I still had packing left to do.  I didn’t know I had to be his mother.

Saturday was worse.  I set my alarm late because I was so upset the night before that I messed up.  If I hadn’t called Mom we would have been late.  The guy I picked the truck up from told me I could change the drop off, but when I called she said I couldn’t since I had the truck.  Tom and I argued and he told me that if I didn’t stop yelling then he would not help with the move.  I was falling apart and had been since we had gotten the truck.  I was crying.  I told him I didn’t have a lot of control.  I cried for at least two solid hours then I finally took half a xanax.  It took about another half hour but I finally stopped crying.  I was carrying stuff out to cars when I could, but after taking the medicine I was unsteady and the fact that due to an argument with Tom I could not finish the hot dog I tried to eat for breakfast.  I was shaking and exhausted, but I kept going.  I got food for everyone who wanted it because I knew I needed to eat.  The Maracuja called when we were finishing up.  Upon finding out we were finished she offered to come over and help clean. I told her I’d call her when I got over there.  I got Tom in New Brighton and as we’re driving close to Ambridge he asks me to drop him off so he can get pizza.  Instead of going back to help me clean, he decided he wanted to get pizza.  I was completely pissed off at that point.  I left him there and went back to the apartment.  I called the Maracuja, but didn’t get her.  I left a message and started cleaning.  I cleaned the bathroom completely, I vacuumed the entire place, and started sweeping.  The Maracuja called and came over.  She helped me finish up cleaning, took me over to ENP for dinner (for which I will be eternally grateful), listened to me whine and complain (another thing for which I will be eternally grateful), and helped me finish getting stuff out to the car.  I left my key and never went back.

The next day I had was all over achy and had a fever.   Luckily, I was on vacation for the week.  I have felt horrible all week.  I’ve had cramps, especially today.  Dad worked on my car and fixed the rotors and brake pads.  I need to make an appointment for an inspection.  I went to sleep yesterday at after 5 am. I woke up in agony at just after 7 am.  I took pain killers, got Mom’s heating pad to use with mine (I had extreme pain in both front and back), and I have no idea how long it took me to finally get back to sleep.  I don’t even know when I woke up.  I had to unplug my clock to plug in the other heating pad.  When I went downstairs I discovered it was almost 4 pm.  I was in pain on and off for the rest of the day.  Still am.

There’s one more thing else that bothers me.  I have a friend who said she was planning on doing the zoo on Saturday morning.  I was thinking  of going despite the fact that it was in the morning because she’s one of my favorite people.  She decided to change it to the children’s museum.  She said she’d email me her schedule so we could make plans.  That was Monday or Tuesday.  I didn’t hear from here and it was Wednesday.  I saw her making plans with at least one other person.  I messaged her and asked if she was going to send me her schedule or if she just wanted to forget it.  She said no, that she’d send her schedule that night.  That was Wednesday.  I still haven’t received it from her.  I commented on one of her statuses and she commented back saying that she loved me for many reasons.  I have a hard time believing it.  I still haven’t heard from her. Except for that comment.

What’s wrong with me?

My stomach’s not happy.  Since Wednesday I’ve been having on and off nausea, normally accompanied by sweating.  I was so sick when I got home from work Wednesday night that I just went to sleep.  I took Zofran to get through Thursday but I was still sick when I got home.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep.  I was starving.  I ate a hot dog (something which actually did not turn my stomach, strangely enough), but I was still starving and had a very hard time going to sleep.  I had to go to therapy today and went grocery shopping.  I was able to eat a hot dog this morning, but not the donut I tried.  Even now, I’m fighting it.  And of course, I was so depressed after therapy that I went and had lunch at Long John Silvers.  Not something my digestive system tolerates very well now that I do not have a gall bladder.  I didn’t go out to see people, even though I wanted to.  I don’t know that I’ll go see Mom tomorrow and F Cubed…well, I just don’t know about that.  It’s more than sickness that would keep me away.

Therapy was hard.  We talked about me having to take breaks on time at work.  Someone spoke to my supervisor about me specifically so I have to now.  I don’t know why.  No one wants me around there.  Other people take their breaks at off times.  But I’m not allowed to.  People don’t talk to me, and I don’t think they ever will.  Luckily, for the most part, I can do my job with no assistance.  If I have a problem I go to a lead or a supervisor.  Or I throw the order back so I don’t have to approach anyone else.  No one says hi to me or good morning.  The van drivers talk to me more than my co-workers and I see them for approximately 5 minutes a day.  One person congratulated me on getting my yellow belt.  One.  And that’s only because she was walking by after the presentation.  It hurts.  I’ve been spending over 50 hours a week in that building, though it’s been a little less than that in the past two weeks, and no one talks to me unless they absolutely have to.  It hurts.  The few people I did talk to no longer sit with me.

My heart hurts.  People tend to only contact me when they want something.  Even my parents.  Mom called me at work last week because she needed me to figure out how she had to send her resume to someone on the computer while I was on my 15 minute break.   On a computer that I couldn’t see, on a web page that I was not familiar with.  Dad called me today because both of their cars are out of commission and they wanted me to take them to a book sale.  And get my step sister on the way over there.  Raz called tonight because the Maracuja was concerned when I didn’t show up for the presentation tonight.  I appreciate that.  I do.  I really wish I hadn’t been too sick to go.  It was on an interesting subject and I could have seen Mocha and Mango as well.  I know, I know! I expect too much.  I’m not a very good friend.  I talk about myself too much (although considering that this is *my* blog, I feel okay doing it here).  I have to make all of the effort. I have to take the initiative.  I’ve been trying.  I’ve pestered people into seeing me.  Except for the Pens game last Saturday, I’ve driven all over the place to see people.  And yes, I know that all of my friends are busy people with lives of their own and families of their own.  So, I try to suffer in silence (except on here) and realign my thinking so that it’s more in line with reality.  I post my pains and sorrows and triumphs, and try to focus on supporting and encouraging others.  Because they are the ones who matter.

The other reason my heart hurts today is that I was told I was too rough on Tom.  That I should not have been at all irritated with him asking me questions over and over that I didn’t want him to ask because things weren’t going to change and I didn’t want to think about it while I was on my break (ie how the people at work are treating me or if they are talking to me) and that I specifically asked him not to ask me.  That he listened.  Of course his way of listening was being completely silent while I’m talking so that I start feeling stupid for saying anything or feel like I’m giving a monologue or a lecture, despite the fact that I explained it to him several times.  But he was kind, caring, and did listen so he’s not a bad person.  I never said he was a bad person. But I was too rough on him.  And apparently I’m lying to myself.  It may make me a cold-hearted bitch, but I don’t really miss Tom.  I don’t.  I’m not broken hearted about this.  But M tells me that I’m lying to myself.  Another one of her gems was that the fat lady hadn’t sung on the relationship and that there was no period at the end of it.  Um, excuse me?  You think I’m going back with someone who makes me carry all the weight for the finances, all the burden in conversations going beyond the typical how is work going, who says he loves me but does nothing to show it even when I ask, who can’t remember to do anything that I ask of him that matters to me?  But hey, I’m a bitch so what’s it matter how I feel?

So now I’m hurting all over, basically.  And wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I miss high school and college.  They sheer fact that I was constantly in the same place as people for often extended periods of time made me feel like I actually belonged.  At least from time to time.  But that’s gone now and I’m alone.  I’ll be staying that way, too.  I’ll fill my free hours with books and Facebook games, reading LJ post’s and Plurks.  Maybe I’ll start writing again.  And I’ll work on making that enough to make me happy.

Right now I’m saying I’ll never date again.  Every time recently I give too much, get too little, and end up broke when it’s over with.  Who knows? I may end up on the street before this is over.  I saw Mom’s list of rules and since I’m working full time I have to pay rent on time every month.  Which might just mean not paying the minimum payments on my credit cards every month which is just going to ruin my credit even more and increase the already long projected time to pay them off.  And no, I don’t use the damn things and haven’t in over a year.  Well, once, for groceries because I didn’t have my debit card.  So if I decide not to pay her, or not pay her on time only God knows what will happen.  And Tom was telling me yesterday that things are going to get better.  What a load of crap.  Of course he was also telling me that people making minimum wage can manage to live on their own so why can’t I?  Yeah, I wanted to belt him.   If he actually gives me money between now and when we move out I might be able to afford my inspection and car repairs.  I might be able to get the alignment done.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not really sure if I have the time or energy for a second job.  Nor am I sure what I’d be able to do.  And it seems that everyone and everything wants me to donate money to something or the other.  *sigh* As if I didn’t have enough to feel guilty over.  Maybe I can sell some of my books, though I hate to do that.  Yeah, life pretty much sucks and I don’t see it getting better.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.

Remember September 11, 2001?  Did you know that the majority of the employees of Morgan Stanley got out alive?  We’re talking over 80%.  Why did they get out when so many people didn’t?  Experts say that it was due to the fact that over the past three years the gentleman in charge of security put his colleagues through a consistent and fairly rigorous series of fire drills.  The employees, especially the long time employees, knew where the exits were, where the stairs were, what it was like to go down the stairs, and where to meet after they got out of the building.  That man, who’s name I do not know, is credited with saving many lives.  Does your employer do drills?  When was the last time you had one?  Do you know the emergency plans for your company?  They should have them.  You should know them.  I encourage you to talk to the people you work for and encourage them to get this knowledge out.  It may just save your life.

It’s the first day of the new year.  Many of you have new homes, new family members, etc. Make plans. Check your escapes. Check you fire alarms.  It’s a proven fact that having some sort of plan and having practiced that plan can make the difference between life and death in a serious situation.  It’s a pain and can take time away from other things, but if you ever have to use it, it could save your life or the life of someone you love. Do you really want to deal with the possible consequences of not knowing what to do?

Have a healthy, happy, and safe new year!!