I haven’t been posting because I’ve been scared.  I don’t have a lot of contact with people in the first place and I’m afraid anything I say will irritate at the least one or more of my friends.  I’m scared, I’m alone, and since lowering the med my depression is getting worse.  No more hot flashes and I no longer feel like I’m dying at work most of the time, but I spend more time wanting to cry.  Just looking at my top posts on my news feed on Facebook was depressing.  So many of them were about my friends and their families and lives.  They all seem to have something going on – some reason to keep going on while I’m wondering why I keep going.  Go to work to pay the bills for expenses incurred I’ll never be reimbursed for then come home, play FarmVille & Mousehunt, and go to sleep.  I’ve read no blogs that aren’t sports blogs for quite a while now.  I haven’t seen anyone all year (other than my parents) and each week it gets harder. I do not want to bring people down and I also know people don’t want to be around someone who feels depressed.  Not to mention that people always want a reason. Even my father who has seen me deal with depression for over 10 years now wants reasons why I’m depressed.  It doesn’t always work that way!  Sometimes (a lot of the time these days) I just feel down then things come along that make the downness worse.  I don’t tend to tell people what those things are because people take it the wrong way.  They seem to think that because I’m down and jealous that I don’t want them to be happy, do things, have lives, or hear about it, which isn’t true.  People don’t understand why it hurts and if I try to explain I’m just wrong.  I get sick of arguing.    Right now I do not have hope. I do not have a great future in store.  I do not see any way in which God could possibly use me.  Once my parents are gone I will not have anyone close to me.  And don’t suggest either of my sisters – I haven’t heard from them in months and I know I won’t hear from D until my birthday unless we happen to run into each other at Mom’s or she needs something from me.  The only thing I can do is type and complain.  I’m doing both those things rather well at times.  Oh yeah, and read.  If I’m reading a book (let’s specify a fictional story) then I’m not feeling or thinking things.  I have very little use or purpose and certainly nothing that someone else couldn’t do, some even a bit better.  I get up and go to work every day because I have to. I have no other choice and I have no reason not to.  *shrug*  My dad was telling me the other day that I shouldn’t be down because I don’t know what might be around the corner.  The last 2 corners I took left me riddled with debt because I was too generous and in some cases badly used.  I guess I should be happy that I have this job which makes it so that I can afford to pay my bills but it’s hard when people don’t want to talk to you but you see them talking to other people on the floor and when you’re cleaning off your car with weak wrists then driving home for over an hour on badly treated roads.  At least I like what I do and get to actually use my problem solving skills – when I’m not grumbling about stupid doctors & their staffs, patients, and fellow employees.

by LiveJournal user xbelladollx

I hate being cold and it being late (or early, depending on your view of the world). The silence is deafening. Well, Kit is eating at the moment. It makes me think about how this is going to be my life. In a time far too short for me, I will have no one who I can truly be myself around. I guess it’s my own fault. Terry and Tom taught me one very important thing – people, men especially, cannot deal with my depression full time. I can still hear the words in my head and I don’t think they’ll ever go away. *shrug* I’m also selfish. One of the reasons I ended things with Tom is that I got sick and tired of taking care of him all the time. I hated being responsible for everything. Paying bills, doing laundry, buying food not only for me but also for him to take on the road, buying clothes for him, and so on. I felt like it was all on me and when it got to the point where I was having to work tons of OT to pay all the bills on my own I was fed up. Especially since I was practically as alone as I am now. No, actually I was more alone. I see Mom a lot more than I ever saw him. Now I’m working to pay all the bills left over from me taking care of him. It hurts. It truly hurts. And I still have to encourage him and tell him he’s not a bad person and tell him not to do things which would be bad for him that he was on the verge of doing. It doesn’t end. At least I’m not afraid of being alone and willing to be in a bad relationship just so that I am with someone like he is. I may not look forward to it, I may dread it, but I’m not going to anything rash to make sure it doesn’t happen. I also don’t want to have to share my nice, comfy bed. Sometimes I think my bed is my haven. My selfishness also one of the reasons I don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I could be a good enough mother because I don’t think I could handle having someone need me all the time. I know the day will come when I have to care for my mother and I think I can handle that. I hope so, anyways.

Today was a busy day. Well, so was yesterday. Yesterday Mom and I went to Tanger Outlets in Washington, PA. I bought some purple (okay, they called it eggplant) Privo Ricegrass by Clarks shoes. Since they went with my outfit I changed shoes after buying them. I got a couple of tank tops for less than 5 bucks each and two of my favorite bras. I also got a 4 oz Spice candle from Bath & Body Works along with a silver snow flake jar candle sleeve. I really hope they do the Spice in the 3 wick. I love the Spice scent. I got a pair of Steelers earrings to wear. I also got two pans (Baker’s Secret non stick, too!). I had to stop at Auntie Anne’s for a pretzel and a frozen Coke. I love frozen Cokes! Then we asked Tracy (my Tom Tom GPS) to take us to Eat’N Park. It didn’t take us to the main one but to one out of the way. I had clam chowder, which is one of my favorites. Then we went home. Construction zones are confusing, though. We were definitely tired and our feet hurt, but we had fun and got some things that worked well. I really helped Mom at the shoe store. She didn’t wear heavy enough socks so she borrow mine to get good fits on her shoes. I also suggested she try not wearing her insoles and that worked as well. Not to mention I stood around forever while she did shoes. I also found the faux leather jacket style that she liked and was able to find in her size hiding away in a different area of the store. I also forced her to try on things again and again and ran out for different sizes and different articles (you have to try on everything at outlet stores) till we got ones that fit. I try to take care of my mom.

Today didn’t go so well. Mom had a visitor so I ended up staying upstairs longer than I wanted to. When he was finally gone I went downstairs, but my sugar was really low. Mom was worried and took my sugar with her glucometer and it was 79. That’s the lowest my sugar’s been that I know of. So I had some juice and a small piece of cheesecake. Once I was done with my shower I felt much better…except that my stomach isn’t a big fan of a lot of juice so it ended up quite upset. We skipped going to dinner, went grocery shopping, and came home to watch the CMA Music Festival on GAC. I stayed downstairs with them for a couple hours. I had some Italian bread which helped to calm my stomach. I came upstairs and fixed (hopefully!) my stink bug problem. Mom found some weather stripping and I stuffed into the gap. I did have to vacuum up some stink bugs first. I was going to bake a cake, but I’m not feeling well so it’s not going to happen. I did make some shells in the Pasta Boat. Unfortunately, the lid came off and the first batch ended up in the sink so I had to make a second batch. *sigh*
Tomorrow is the Steelers vs the Browns with Big Ben back in the lineup. It’s also the day we’re going to try out the crock pot and make some pot roast. We got the ingredients tonight since we’ll have to start it early. I’m hoping to get the cake done as well. Since grocery shopping is done all I have to do is vacuuming and laundry. I guess I should do some other cleaning as well. That was the weekend so far. And I have a blog post! Good night!

I don’t know what to do anymore.  There are moments when I hate my life, but most of the time I just get no pleasure from it.  I know we’re not put on this earth to have fun, but sometimes I wish I could have more of it.  I’m plodding through life.  I go to work and I go grocery shopping.  I get gas and take my car to the shop.  Occasionally, I see my father.  I work to pay the bills. I work OT to pay the bills.  I work to put gas in the car so I can get to work.  I come home, play Facebook games and read about other people’s lives on Livejournal and their blogs.  I request blinkies and such because they can actually make me smile.  On the weekends I spend most of my time reading which is the same as hiding from my life.  *shrug*  Why wouldn’t I want to?  The people around are either busy or don’t talk to me.  Goodness, if I didn’t have work related questions I could the entire day from the moment I leave the house until the minute I wake up the next morning and go downstairs without talking to anyone.  And I’m not exaggerating.  I talk more on weekends to my Mom, which is good.  That wasn’t the case in the last week, but I’m not sure in that case it was worth it.  I ended up more aggravated, but that was due to the person I was talking to.  And even then it was only after work.  I guess I’m too picky.

Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore.  Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard.  Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave.  I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long.  Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy.   The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful.  It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!).  But still – Jim was my last single RL friend.  Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant.  *shrug*  She’ll find someone.  She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom.  I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more.  It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end.  I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.

I’m not normal.  Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird.  I love to read sci fi and fantasy.  I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS.  I hate the majority of the reality TV shows.  I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game.  I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games.  I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m not comfortable in large groups.  Okay, certain types  of large groups.  Baseball games yes, parties no.  I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it.  It tends to lose something when you have to explain it.  I have a schedule that most people don’t follow.  I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.).  I like spice scented and apple scented candles.  It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty.  I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish.  I do wish.  But I don’t see it happening.  Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared.  The last two I thought were serious.  I ended up with nothing at the end of both.  In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on.  The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state.  Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified.  Not to mention that dating is too expensive.  Don’t try to tell me it isn’t.  I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.

So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will.  I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change.  I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me.  I’m not going to beg.  Fear will keep me from large groups.  Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal.  Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.

Next week is going to suck.  I most likely will not be around from Sunday night through sometime on Friday.  It’s not my fault, either.  The fault lies with Duquesne Light.

Read the rest of this entry »

I really don’t understand.  I don’t.  Why do I have to have what other people think I should have?  What’s wrong with being content with what I have?

Read the rest of this entry »

I try not to get down and depressed.  It’s a lot easier these days with my medications.  I try not to think about the things I know worry me.  Today, well really, this past week, one of them keeps haunting me.  I’ve been trying to catch up on Facebook.  Working 12.5 hour days with 45 minute commutes makes it hard to keep up.  I have some people whose profiles I check daily (yeah that’s me – the stalker) and I always look at my top news, but I no longer read every post every day.  I always come home to 300+ new posts.  I do need to sleep sometime people!  Anyways, I’ve been checking up on people’s profiles and pictures.  Most of my friends have families – kids, fiances, husbands, etc.  Some of them I’ve seen get married (or have seen the pictures) and watched their kids grow (in pictures if not in person).  I can imagine their futures, to some extent.  *shrug*  I’m not trying to say I know what’s going to happen or that I’m detailed or anything.  I’m not that stalkerish!

Read the rest of this entry »

I have one grandparent left.  He is absolutely amazing.  3 years ago I gathered with the rest of my family in Las Vegas for his 90th birthday.  He has children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.  We all gathered again for my sister’s wedding last August.

Grandpa is the dapper guy on the left side in front. Those are all pictures of that side of the family from my sister’s wedding.

Yesterday my Aunt in California emailed me to tell me Grandpa was given a Presidential Achievement award on Thursday.  He is 93 and volunteers at an adult daycare in California.  He even made the news: Seal Beach Man, 93, is Super Volunteer.  I am so very proud of him.  He’s been through a lot and he is still a caring, wonderful man.  He danced the foxtrot with my sister at her wedding.  He has macular degeneration and has great difficulty in seeing, but still goes out to help others.  I just hope that I’ll get the chance to see him again.  I love you, Grandpa!

It’s been a while since I’ve knitted so I had to re-teach myself basically everything.  I used my little red book that Squirrel Girl (formerly known as the Steel City Knitter) told me to get, my video, and I asked some questions to my knitting friends on Facebook.  It wasn’t easy.  Once I got it I started working on my scarf.  It came with a kit I got from Jo-Ann’s online with a coupon probably a year ago.  I’ve never really gotten that far on it, but I worked and worked. I ripped things out and re-did them. I counted row after row.  Finally, I got garter stitch pattern 1 done.  The first time.  I have to repeat it twice more.  I haven’t gotten brave enough to do that.  And yes, Kit did “help”.  You can find the details on my project on Ravelry under Super Easy Scarf. Here are my photos:

I was rather proud of myself and posted it everywhere, but alas, I’ve not worked on it since.  I’ve been too tired (hey, you try working 12 and a half hour days and then come home and knit at 3:30 am!), too busy (party and shopping and party and unpacking), or it’s been too hot (with the ac on up here it was 81 degrees!).  I’ll get back to it because I have a goal.  I want to knit socks.

Mom gave me some help in that direction.  I was talking about knitting socks and she knew that I would need some double pointed needles (dpn).  She said she had some, dug them out of her sewing basket, and gave them to me.  They are bone dpns that my great-grandmother used way back when.  Wow!  I don’t remember what size they are and I just packed them away in my knitting bag.  I can’t wait to find a pattern and yarn so I can use them.  After I finish my scarf. *sigh*

I never know what to say when I reach this point.  What I go through I’m not really sure anyone can understand.  Last weekend I was totally depressed, lonely, feeling unloved, unwanted, and feeling completely overwhelmed.  All week I was crying when I went to bed.  I was defensive, irritable (although that could have been increased by the medication that my doc put me on for the week), and just about always on the verge of tears.  No one loved me, no one wanted me, no one even remembered that I was around.  I was afraid to go out and see people because I was fairly certain I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together.  I was absolutely miserable.  I didn’t necessarily want to die, but I certainly didn’t want to go on living.  Except for after my therapy appointment on Friday.  I definitely wanted to die at that point.

Thursday we doubled one med and added another.   I really wish I would have had some more time for it to get into my system before Friday morning.   I now go into therapy expecting to be attacked therefore I’m defensive.  When I’m struggling not to cry, my tone gets sharper.  Apparently based upon this she decided that I was that way to everyone all the time.  My perceptions are out of what and a lot of the time I know it, but I can’t get past it.  Not to mention that the worse my emotional level gets the harder it is to remember it.  *shrug*  By Friday evening I was soooo much better.  I’m calm, I haven’t felt like crying since Friday morning.  I had a set back trying to get a different brand of contacts.  I was hoping to get the change at Moon, but they said I had to go to my original Wal-Mart.  So Mom and I went out to Pleasant Hills and got it done.  I didn’t end up in tears and last weekend I would.  I would also had given up and not made the effort to get it done.  I’m making plans with people.  I’m not afraid to see my friends.  I don’t feel like no one wants me.  I don’t feel like I want to die.  I don’t feel like everyone has forgotten me, and when I thought that might have been the case, I wasn’t in tears.  I’m not obsessing.  I’m not looking at Facebook and feeling absolutely lonely and miserable.  It’s like someone flipped a switch.  Or was pushing up on a dimmer switch.  I don’t know how to explain it and I’m not sure any explanation I could come up with would do it justice.  *shrug*  Sometimes it feels like I’m too different people.  It looks like unfortunately I’m one of those people who needs to be on medication.  I don’t like that, but it’s worth it to feel normal.  I hate being this way because people don’t understand.  I’m so worried about people getting the wrong impression (and I know they do) and about offending people.  There’s not much I can do about that.  I definitely feel out of control when my meds aren’t doing right.  I don’t know how this will be once the initial high wears off.  *shrug*  You just have to keep going and take it one day at a time.