I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

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There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

On to update number two, my health. As I’m sure most of you know, I was going off of my meds. Remember this quote from an earlier blog post?

Warning: This may not apply to everyone. This is just what happened to me. Every person is different and due to severe reactions which may occur (which did happen to my friend Leslie) consult with a doctor before discontinuing any form of your medication. When I ran out of the clonopin before I was able to refill it I went through withdrawal. I was stupid (yes, I’ll admit it. It was very stupid.) and did not refill it right away. Once I got through the withdrawal I decided to see if I really needed the anti anxiety medication after all. I live five minutes from the pharmacy and could go there at any point to get them filled if I had an attack, so I decided to wait. And you won’t believe what I noticed – all my symptoms disappeared. All the problems I’d been having with depression and anxiety went away. To this day, I have not had a single problem with anxiety. So I compounded my stupidity and since the doctors in the hospital had decided to cut most of my meds with no slow down, so did I. Of course, I weaned myself off of the pills. I cut down what I was taking week by week until I was taking nothing. I watched carefully and not once did I have a problem that wasn’t related directly to finances. I had missed an appt with my psychiatrist but I wasn’t worried. The only pill that stopping made me really sick and unable to complete was the risperdal. So I went back on it.

Well, I saw my psychiatrist again and she agreed to let me off the risperidal. I went down to one-half of a pill, then one-quarter, then none. As I was doing this my irritation level was increasing and so was my anger. I was always irritated and often angry. My Mom’s therapist told her that anger is often a sign of depression. The day I went off the last of the risperdal, I called VBHA and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. The following Thursday I got up at the crack of dawn and went to see her. I’m currently taking 20 mg of Celexa, which is one of the mildest antidepressants and known for having the least amount of side affects. My irritation is gone. I have more normal anger now. I get easily irritated when I’m over heated, for the most part. And Melissa said that the meds would make no difference with my anger. Ha! My dry mouth is back (although that does seem to be fading somewhat) and I’m having trouble staying asleep in the morning. I do have a little bit of trouble falling asleep, but between the hours of 9 am and 11:30 am I get very poor sleep and I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t think I want to go on sleeping meds again. I’m hoping it will get better.

I will say this for those of you who are confused.  I didn’t get off of my medications simply because I no longer wanted to be on them.  It was much more complicated than that.  I was put on anti-anxiety medications when I was placed in the hospital in 2001 because I was shaking in the ER when I was admitted.  I was scared.  I think most people with a modicom of sense would have been in my position.  I was never taken off of it.  When I ran out in March and stopped taking it on my own, my breakthrough anxiety and depression simply disappeared.  Since taking me off most of my meds cold turkey in December (when I went in the hospital the second time) had little affect on me and since I had no breakthrough symptoms I decided to go off of them as well.  I didn’t want to be on what I didn’t need to be on.  I had been having breakthrough symptoms ever since I left the hospital the first time.  We kept increasing dosages and adding medications.  It always broke through.  Since, in March, I was convinced it was the anti-anxiety drugs which were causing the breakthrough symptoms, I wanted to see if I truly needed all of those meds.  Turns out, in my case, I did not.  I was always willing to go back on the medications if I needed them.  I wanted to see if I did and to see what symptoms were truly mine and what were the by-products of the medications.  It’s not for everyone.  It’s not something to do rashly.  There are many, many people in the world who need these medications and need many different medications to get through the depression.  My situation is not typical.  That’s that.

In my last post I mentioned the tooth incident. Well, one day during training I was eating my salad for lunch when I started chewing on something hard. It was a couple of pieces of stuff in my mouth. Part of it was metal attached to part of a tooth and the other chunk was pure metal. My tooth had broken in half and the root canal had fallen out. *sigh* I had a sharp edge and went to see my dentist. He said the other half had to come out and drilled down the sharp edge. A month later I went to see the oral surgeon. It was amusing. He walks in and asks me what hurts. My response? Nothing. Oh, the look on his face! He then asked me why I was there and I said I had half a tooth that needed to come out. He put me out (my decision and much easier on my TMJ), numbed me up, and Tom took me home. Tom couldn’t stay with me (idiot trucking company) so Mom came over and stayed with me the rest of the day. It was Friday the thirteenth. My cheek hurt the most. I hurt for about a week. My teeth in front of that tooth hurt some as well. But my TMJ never acted up. Woohoo!! Now to see whether Delta will cover the iv sedation. I’m not too hopeful on that score.

Well, I’m just about finished with my second bout of physical therapy and feel well enough to try and exercise.  I did the 1 mile Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds Express this morning.  I debating doing it again later today. I was able to do it with the stretchy band which gave a real workout to my arms.  It took about 20 minutes – 15 min workout and about 5 min cool down.  I worked up a sweat, which is a good sign for a work out.  I’m trying to lose weight and inches.  Of course, baking cookies isn’t helping, but I’ll mainly eat them with my lunches. I’ve stopped all snacking at work (which can be rough during those first six hours!) and I’m working on smaller portions.  I’m eating healthier foods (ham and potato chip sandwiches vs canned ravioli and meatballs).  I have to move furniture around to work out, which is a little extra exercise in my corner.  If I get up at 4 or 4:15, I should be able to walk the mile before work.  That would be good.  I just recently bought new walking shoes (they have sparklies on them!).  I want to try to get in shape, not only for me but for Tom as well.  He never criticizes me for being over weight and says I’m perfect, but according to For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn (I love her book and feel it’s essential to understanding guys.  I know it helps me in my relationship with Tom.  I’d recommend it to any woman, as I would recommend For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn to any man.) how a woman looks is important to a man.  Not that a woman needs to be skinny, but that they need to take care of themselves.  I haven’t been taking very good care of myself and I’m trying to do better.  He deserves it, even if I don’t.

Well, it’s time for another edition of “An Update”  using Michelle’s famous +/- rating system.

+I survived my sister’s wedding. It was beautiful and went well (except for the helicoptors).  She had a wonderfully choreographed first dance, a perfect cake cutting, and wonderful food.  And my 92 year-old grandfather has some great moves!

-I ended up in the er afterwards with pains in my side.  Diagnosis – musculoskeletal pain.  Go see your doctor.

+/-We were over an hour early for the wedding.  We saw both my mother and my sister arrive, along with my mother’s family.  But we did get to talk.

-I had a breakdown after the wedding (at 3 am) and was crying for an hour.  I upset Tom, too.  I also forgot to take one of my pills.

+I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I skipped work and went to my sister’s picnic on Friday and got to see a bunch of people.

-I got sick at the picnic on Sunday.

-I didn’t feel very good for dinner at Cooky’s.

-Tom hasn’t gotten many miles this week.

+I survived two days of work and we didn’t have VTO.

+We get a bonus this week which should make up for the VTO that was called last week.

-I’ve had reviewer access at work for three weeks and have yet to be trained in it.

+I got a dress from my mother that I wore to the wedding.

+We got Tom an outfit cheaply.

+I got to slow dance with Tom.

-We were both feeling too poorly to dance otherwise.

-I don’t know how I’ll ever have a wedding that can compare to my sister’s wedding.

-I don’t think I do anything anymore to make someone proud.  Unless you count going to work, and, well really, I don’t.

-I had to get up early on my day off for my appt with Melissa.

+I had a good appt with Melissa.

-Tom’s not planning on coming home this weekend.

+I don’t have to work tomorrow.

-I have to work on Saturday and have to get up at 3:30 am to do so.

+I love Mouse Hunt on Facebook.

+I’m planning on taking part in NaNoWriMo in November.

-I have to come up with a new story.

Finances are depressing. I got a raise earlier in the summer, but I now get paid less money. Someone figure that out for me, please. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to tithe, pay my bills, get gas, and get groceries. Tom bought me groceries for this week, but I haven’t a clue what to do after that. I have a huge bill due at the beginning of next month and there is no OT to help me gather money to pay it. I’ve just done an estimate of my bills through this time next month and it’s not pretty. I don’t know what to do to change things. I try hard, but there never seems to be enough money. I don’t know what to do. Honestly, it depresses me and makes me want to give up. I don’t like feeling that way.

Tom is on a night run. Well, several night runs. He’s on his way to Laredo, Texas and he had a 2 am pick up this morning. So I can only talk to him at night. Luckily, I don’t work tomorrow. He slept today from 2 till 11 but woke up around 9:30 to call and tell me some good news. He finally got the regional position that he had applied for earlier in the year. It’s so awesome because it means that he’ll be home every week for 36 hours and he should be home on the weekends. He’ll be taking a pay cut to take the position but it guarantees 2500 miles a week which is much more than he’s currently getting which means he will have more money in his weekly pay check. So that’s more money and more time home. It’s such a blessing. We’ve gone for such long periods of time without seeing each other. Thank God for cell phones and free in network calling!

There’s only one problem. I’m having problems with it. I’ve seen the struggle he’s had with getting miles over the past year. He can run up to 4200 miles a week legally but has been making between 500 and 1700 miles a week. Once he’s made roughly 2000. I have a hard time believing that the Lord will bless us with 2500 miles a week, let alone more than that. It would be a great blessing. We both have bills we need to pay. But I’m afraid to be happy about it; I’m afraid to believe it. I have no problem believing bad things will happen. But good things are a different story. I’ve heard it said that you have to believe that good things will happen in order to have them happen so I’m going to work on believing it. God can do all things – even bring miles into our lives.

The answer is yes. I think. It’s been busy around here. I’ve been working, but not working OT. I did get my bonus which means we’ll be able to pay rent this month. All my bills are paid for June and though July is started, I have to pay some more. I did see my finish my physical therapy. Yes, I’m finally done with the neck tortue. I start therapy next week. This is good, I think. I saw my phychiatrist and she yelled at me, of course. She wouldn’t let me stop the risperidol, which is what I want to do. I was told that after two to three months symptoms come back. It’s been three months, though, and my symptoms are pretty much not here. Read the rest of this entry »

I didn’t work OT today. I was sick this morning so I stayed home. We didn’t go to Johnstown either. We didn’t want to get the baby sick. I lost my bluetooth. The house is a mess and I didn’t get a bath tonight. I want to cry. We went and saw my dad and Kathy. The food was good, the talking was good, and it was good to see them. I just wish we hadn’t been there so late. They gave me bubble bath and I would have liked to have used it. Life sucks.

I’ve spent time today thinking about the past and now I’m pretty depressed. I also have no hot water and no one to talk to. That doesn’t help. I’m thinking about just going to bed. I feel fat, ugly, and old. Did you ever have days like that? I was listening to the ACF worship cd and the COTS worship cd this afternoon. I wish I could sing. I’ve been told that I can, but I’m just not sure I believe it right now. I remember when I was involved with stuff, when I had places to go and people to see. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t listen to Godspell. That would have really depressed me. Time for something more upbeat, I think.

I start physical therapy tomorrow. I drove over there tonight so I would know where it is. It’s not that hard to find and I’ll be able to make it in time – if all goes well. I just hope it does. Mom called to tell me that she’s okay. The doctor got all of the cells out of her. So that’s good news.

Eh, forget it. I’m taking my pills and going to bed. Night.