Now I’ve found out via Facebook that he’s dating someone new.  He’ll be with her until she breaks off the relationship because he never will no matter how bad things are.  He never has broken up with anyone.   I resent the fact that he was so much better off when we broke and I will be paying for it for years and now he has someone new, while I sitting knowing that no one is going to ever want me.  No one will put up with the difficulties.  It will be about three years before I’m out of debt and I’m not going to date someone before that.  It ends up being to damn expensive.  Maybe if I was happy or joyful or content, but I’m not.  I live on a roller coaster that I wish I could get off but don’t think I ever will.  I live with pain that I am told has no cause but oftentimes limits what I can and cannot do.  I have to learn how to live with it and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

I got down to one medication, and that medication is one that was increasingly my appetite and one that I did not want to be on. I was unable to go straight off of that medication due to the fact that it appeared the depression symptoms were increasing as that medication was decreasing. So as I discontinued that medication we began to put me on Zoloft. Unfortunately, Zoloft made me extremely carsick. At that point we decide to try me on Celexa. After initial starting dose of 20 mg we increased it to 40 since it did not appear that the initial dose was working. After the increase in medication my depression increased exponentially. We immediately lower the medication back to 20 mg and began Wellbutrin. One of the things that irritates me the most is that my previous psychiatrist had me taking 60 mg of Celexa along with the many other medications so that it was impossible tell that the Celexa was making me much worse.

As we stepped up the Wellbutrin over time I began getting a benefit to my mood. Around the time of my birthday we made one last increase in the medication. Around the same time I began having hot flashes, stomach irritation, headaches, and a general feeling of bad health. Several months later I saw my psychiatrist again and she told me that my reaction matched one of her other patients who had been on the same medication. As instructed, I lowered the medication and immediately began to feel better. This too was frustrating because it was also one of the many medications that I have been on with the previous psychiatrist.

At my next appointment we decided that SSRI antidepressants were not good for me. We decided that I would discontinue the Wellbutrin and begin a medication known as Lamictal. This medication was slightly dangerous and needed to slowly be built up in the system. I was started on a non-therapeutic dose of 25 mg and instructed to start taking it once a day. After about a week or so I was to begin taking it twice a day. Lamictal has an extremely long half-life and takes a long while to drain out of your system as well as to build up in it. Wellbutrin, on the other hand, has a short half-life and leaves the system fairly quickly. I stop the Wellbutrin with little effect. Increasing the Lamictal, however, presented a problem.

After about a week, I was feeling extremely drowsy, but on the other hand my mood was was fairly good. I decided that since I was still not taking a therapeutic level dose to do something that most would consider slightly reckless. I decided to step down on the Lamictal and see what type of difference it would make. I began on a weekend to try and make it so that any withdrawal symptoms be worse on the weekend. In less than a week, I was no longer taking the Lamictal. I started keeping track in Facebook for the first several days and how my mood was doing and how the day went. The days actually went fairly well; better than I expected. I mood state fairly consistent for most the day. Only at points when I was having what I considered withdrawal symptoms i.e. a headache and some achiness and grogginess,space did I have any mood problems. Also, these new problems were nothing compared to the mood things I was having on the medication. One of the side effects of the medication was mood swings. It also occurred during times when it was especially stressful due to my work. Since my work week ended, I’ve only had increased irritability when I was in pain. For the most part, my mood has been good, I have been happy, and I have had a lots of energy. I know I still have a couple of weeks before I am sure that the medication is out of my system, the Lamictal is more of an anti-seizure medication and less of an antidepressant. In fact, it is usually prescribed for seizures and bipolar disorder, not depression. Because of that, I am torn between being irritated that was on medication that it’s looking like I did not need, and being glad that I don’t seem to need it anymore.

I know that this story is not typical. I also know that I did need to be on medication 10 years ago when this all began. There is no doubt in my mind that I have suffered from major depressive disorder. Unfortunately, there is also no doubt in my mind I was on medication that I did not need to be on for no good reason. There was no reason to put me on anti-anxiety medication. I certainly don’t recommend going off medication without doctor supervision. However, I also recommend being with a psychiatrist to only continually adds medications without questioning their efficacy the reason for taking them. The only sign of anxiety I ever showed was a night that I was checking myself into the hospital. I think is quite natural for the 21-year-old young woman to be nervous going into a psychiatric ward of a hospital for the first time. I may have needed to be on the medication that night, but there is no reason to continue me on it. Before that night I have had no symptoms of anxiety, only symptoms of depression. I also disagree now with the decision of the psychiatrist before my current one to put me on multiple medications at once and so discontinue one that did not appear to be working. In fact, the only time we ever discontinue the medication was on my insurance discontinued its coverage of that medication. And even then, we switch to what was considered to be the equivalent medication that was covered. Once the cover switch back we switch back to the first medication which is happened to be the medication Celexa.

I will be carefully monitoring my mood next several weeks. It looks like things are getting worse than I will go back on the Lamictal or I will call my psychiatrist for advice on a different medication. I am not against being on medication. I never have been. However, I don’t want to be a medication that I don’t need to be on. I was certainly prefer not need medication, however I need to be on it I will be.

by LJ user velociraptorx at the wickpixgraphics community

by LiveJournal user xbelladollx

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore.  Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard.  Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave.  I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long.  Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy.   The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful.  It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!).  But still – Jim was my last single RL friend.  Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant.  *shrug*  She’ll find someone.  She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom.  I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more.  It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end.  I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.

I’m not normal.  Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird.  I love to read sci fi and fantasy.  I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS.  I hate the majority of the reality TV shows.  I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game.  I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games.  I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m not comfortable in large groups.  Okay, certain types  of large groups.  Baseball games yes, parties no.  I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it.  It tends to lose something when you have to explain it.  I have a schedule that most people don’t follow.  I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.).  I like spice scented and apple scented candles.  It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty.  I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish.  I do wish.  But I don’t see it happening.  Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared.  The last two I thought were serious.  I ended up with nothing at the end of both.  In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on.  The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state.  Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified.  Not to mention that dating is too expensive.  Don’t try to tell me it isn’t.  I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.

So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will.  I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change.  I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me.  I’m not going to beg.  Fear will keep me from large groups.  Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal.  Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.

I know part of it depends on what you have in common with someone.  That’s a big problem for me that I’m really not sure how to change.  I don’t have a whole lot in common with the people in my life right now.  Most of them are married with (young) children.  The others are in a relationship or have children.  I read a lot.  I probably spend a lot of my free time reading.  Some of that has to do with the fact that I don’t have much to do outside of the house.  I also have unusual reading choices, at least in my circle.  I enjoy sci fi, fantasy, and romances.  I do like watching football and hockey and going to baseball games, but that seems to be hard to plan.  Another problem is my hours.  My life rarely includes mornings.  I work until either 12:30 am or 2:30 am and I try to avoid varying that on the weekends.  It just makes my life easier.  I don’t go to church on Sundays.  I usually sleep till about 1 pm on the weekends which cuts out morning services.  Not to mention that I have a hard time fitting in at churches on my own.  Sometimes friendships grow because of the people you live around.  I live in a neighborhood of retirees and senior citizens.  Sometimes friendship grow at work.  The people on my shift who I work with do not talk to me.  I only talk to leads and supervisors and only when I have questions.  Sometimes I go to people who know about the protocol I’m working in if the lead doesn’t know.  I’m completely isolated there.  I spend more time talking to the van drivers who I see for less than 10 minutes a day.  *shrug*  Not much I can do about that.

A lot of the problem, however, is me.  I’ve spent most of my life on the outskirts, not fitting in.  It didn’t start by choice, but it lasted throughout my public school career.  It got better in high school, but my choices were rarely the popular ones.  I’ve always been grateful that I have always enjoyed learning and excelled at it as well.  Although that was, in some instances, was the problem.  I’m quiet.  I shy.  I’m not terribly fond of large groups of people. I don’t know how to break into groups.  I don’t tend to interrupt people.  I will wait and if the conversation turns so that what I have to say is no longer relevant, I don’t say it.  I don’t invite myself places and I don’t feel comfortable just dropping by to see someone.

Of course, I couldn’t fairly go through my thoughts on friendship without bringing up the depression.  I’ve noticed that these days my depression makes me feel even more isolated, unloved, and unwanted.  It’s incredibly hard to impossible for me to set up plans.  I just give up.  It can make me an erratic friend.  I’ve had people tell me that they can’t handle being around me.  We’ve talked and worked through things, but I’d be lying if I said that it hadn’t scarred me.  For one thing it’s made me even more cautious with what I tell people.  I don’t believe that people will listen when I’m negatively emotional so the closer to sadness it is, the less I talk about it.  I might post about it, but people won’t comment.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to people starting conversations with me online and just disappearing whether it be by going offline, saying that they need to leave for a minute and never come back, or just stop talking altogether.  It’s frustrating.  But people are busy.  So I get used to it and accept it.

I don’t know how I would need to change or if changing would make a difference.  I don’t really want the things the people I know have.  There are some aspects, of course, that I envy, but I wouldn’t want to be any of them.  I tend to think I’m destined or meant to be alone.  *shrug*

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