There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

Finances are depressing. I got a raise earlier in the summer, but I now get paid less money. Someone figure that out for me, please. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to tithe, pay my bills, get gas, and get groceries. Tom bought me groceries for this week, but I haven’t a clue what to do after that. I have a huge bill due at the beginning of next month and there is no OT to help me gather money to pay it. I’ve just done an estimate of my bills through this time next month and it’s not pretty. I don’t know what to do to change things. I try hard, but there never seems to be enough money. I don’t know what to do. Honestly, it depresses me and makes me want to give up. I don’t like feeling that way.

I have always believed in God and Jesus. I have always believed that He loves me and cares for me. Recently, that belief has been stretched and even broken. I know He came to save us and that he redeemed us. I’ve just been going through a time when I haven’t been able to trust Him.
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Deep down. People always are wondering what they are like deep down. So much can be seen on the surface but who trusts the surface of anything? Surfaces can be painted and glossed over and made pretty for everyone to see. It’s what is below that matters. There are people who are all surface. These people make poor friends. Well, maybe not poor friends, but certainly not true friends. They are not friends who will stick with you through thick and thin. They are not people who will be there when the going gets tough. I’m not a big fan of surface people. Luckily, I don’t know that many. Most surface people get sick of me right away. I’ve always been one to look closely at people and things. I see too much, as one friend told me. I know I look to hard and ask too much. I always have. It’s hard for me to trust people. As I told you in my 101 Things About Me I always feel like I’m pestering people or bothering them when I go to talk to them. There are times, and those times can be quite often, when I have extremely low self esteem. I don’t see why anyone would bother with me. I know I’m nothing special, nothing worth people taking time and energy away from their activities for. So I tend to leave people alone. I don’t call anyone other than my parents and Tom. Tom, for some odd reason, likes to talk to me. I don’t always understand why. I’m so bogged down in money problems that I can’t see straight. I would like to believe that I’m worthwhile, etc. but I just feel like a drain on society. I don’t contribute much; I just take. Or at least that’s all I can see right now. I just want to get in bed and hide under the covers. It makes going to church difficult.

I’ve been having a rough time of it recently. The weather was nice for a while, but has gone bad in the past week. Rainy and coldish. Although the rain wasn’t as bad as I hoped. I’ve been very depressed. I’m thinking of starting to take the Welbutrin again, but I’m afraid to bring it up to Tom. He wants me off of the meds as much as I do. I’m still not off the Risperdal. I tried and it was just a mess. I missed my last appt with my psychiatrist. *sigh* That’s what I get for not listening to my messages. I worked 12 hours on Monday which sucked. I was exhausted for most of the day. Right up until it became time for me to go to sleep. *sigh* Today was tiring, but went much faster. I’m worried that Tom won’t be home for our anniversary. Mom’s having surgery. Small surgery, but surgery none the less. Debbie’s being a bitch. She upset me when I was feeling suicidal so I had a rough trip home last Thursday. I got the invitation for her bridal shower today. *sigh* I don’t have the money to buy her a gift. Somebody shoot me. I’m feeling very discouraged, unloved, unwanted, unlovable, unwantable, and like a failure. I suck.

There are two children in our family – my sister and me. One of us is a success and one of us is a failure. One of us has a house, is getting married, has a well paying position doing our dream job, is planning on raising a family, is a regular church goer, is being baptized soon, has no debt (other than the house), travels regularly, has maintained her weight, and is loved and adored by just about everyone she meets. The other is thousands of dollars in debt, renting, has a failed engagement, is being paid peanuts, dropped out of college, has cost her mother thousands of dollars, has gained 80lbs, and generally has no plans for the future. My sister would be the first and I would be the second. When it comes to the major things in life I can’t do anything right.

Good afternoon everyone! Its been a while since I’ve done an actual update and for that I apologize. I keep trying to get going on Blog 365, but failing. Monday and Tuesday sucked. (more…)

Do you see the egg on my face?  And where’s that crow I’m going to have to eat? There are days when I just think that I shouldn’t bother getting excited about something. It always seems to either be too good to be true or falls apart.  Maybe not everything, but it feels that way tonight.  *sigh*

Mom (who doesn’t work on Mondays) was doing some research and listening to the news.  I had told her about my plan for paying off my debts and she had been doubtful.  Isn’t there a clause somewhere that says the truth of the cliche “mother’s always right” runs out?  I was not happy, but I had been relieved.  I was doing something about my debt and was on my way out of debt in the next 33 months.  *sigh*  I should have known it was too good to be true.

Mom watched the news and saw a report on debt and the ways out there to settle it.  She had me watch the six o’clock news to see if they would re-run the report that they had run during the five o’clock  news (they did not) but I did check their web page and found this.  The news station is KDKA channel 2 in Pittsburgh, PA, related to the first broadcast radio station KDKA 1020.  That was disheartening, but it got worse when I went over to ConsumerReport.org.  This article was the most helpful to me.

This quote made me think (once I had read it and not heard just heard it from Mom):

“It’s possible to negotiate down the debt that you owe to a fraction of what it was before. In fact, bank officials that we talked to said they don’t give any better deals to the debt companies than they do to individuals that call them up personally,” said Tiernan.

Grant it I was very upset when Mom called and told me this. I don’t like to be wrong and once I have a plan settled on in my mind, I really like to stick with it. I’m not very fond of change.  Crying, yelling, swearing – it wasn’t pretty.  I was in my car and alone.  That’s probably the only good thing about it. lol  I’ve been in a pretty poor mood all evening, truth be told, and I’m hoping blogging it out will help.

So what am I going to do now?  I’m going to call the credit card companies.  To be honest, I’m really scared about it.  I don’t like confrontation at all and even more so when I’m feeling desperate.  I’m not sure how much they are going to be willing to help me, but I am going to give it a shot before I take my next step.  I’ll start with Bank of America and go on from there.  I may have to do them one at a time.  I don’t know.  I don’t know how much I can afford to pay.  I should figure that though, shouldn’t I?

The moral of the story? Never go against your mother.  She almost always ends up being right.

One of the things I hate to do is admit that I can’t handle something. One of my biggest depression episode triggers is money/finances.  I hate it with  a passion. I am not a good money handler.  I never have been.  I was engaged to a guy who took advantage of me and my trusting/generous nature and helped me rack up a huge amonth of debt.  Moving out took it up even farther.  I had a job that paid well, but was making my depression and anxiety much much worse.  I quit and started a new job, but lost $400 a month when I did so.  That took me from being able to make my payments into the world of not being able to make them.

Sunday I made a decision.  I was going to do something about my debt.  I did look into credit counseling, but that didn’t do much to lower my monthly payments.  Hey, I need money to be able to eat, don’t I?  That’s when I came across Franklin Debt Relief and debt settlement/negotiation. I was able to talk to someone today about it (a very nice man) and get more information.  Its not the best or easiest thing.  One of the things you have to do is stop paying your creditors.  That may sound nice, but it gives you big black marks on your credit report.  After so many months FDR approaches the creditor and negotiates a settlement, usually for much less than is owed (up to 60% less than you owe now).  FDR gives you a monthly payment (and they’re flexible about the pay date as long as you give them 5 days notice) and you pay that each month up to 33 months.  By then you’re out of debt and on the way to earning back that good credit.

There are some cons about it.  One thing is that you open yourself up to collection calls and collection letters.  They tell you to change the address/phone number to their’s, but creditors are persistant and will most likely call you last known number as well.  Another thing you open yourself up to is lawsuits.  Creditors can take you to court if you don’t pay them. From what I understand its not a common occurrance, but it is out there.  They do charge you – 15% of what you owe.  However, since you now owe only approximately 40% of what you did originally, the 15% raises what you owe to about 55% of what you orginally owed.  Much less, isn’t it?  Another plus is the short term of the payments.  No more thirty years of paying minimum balances and thousands and thousands in interest.

After looking at all my options I decided to pursue this one.  I’m addressing something that I’ve been avoiding an yes, I will be closing ALL of my credit cards once they are paid off.  I am NOT going to get into this mess again.  I will do my best to keep you all up to date on my progress with FDR as well as the credit cards I’m not turning over to them (I don’t owe enough on them to make it worth going after at this point – plus on two of them I haven’t made enough payments to qualify).