Do you ever have those moments when you just don’t know what to do?  I’m tired and I’m starting to get overwhelmed.  I have a lot of decisions to make.  I’m trying to re-connect with people.  I am, but I’m intimidated in some ways and feel too pushy in others.  Two weeks ago I saw The Steel City Knitter and Knitting Mama.  Last weekend I made plans to see my favorite French teach, but they fell through.  This weekend I did get to see the Mademoiselle and offered to go see Knitting Mama, though she wasn’t up to it.  I was supposed to go to F-Cubed.  I didn’t.  I was planning to work, but didn’t.  I was way too tired and overwhelmed.  I guess you could say that’s why I didn’t go to F-Cubed.  I almost didn’t go to see the Mademoiselle.  Frankly, it’s intimidating.   These are all good friends of mine and people I trust, so I’m sure you’re wondering why I would feel intimidated.

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Just when I think things are getting under  control, I realize that I miscalculated things.  At this point I honestly don’t know what to do.  I have to work at least 10 to 12 hours of overtime a week between now and October in order to make ends meet.  It’s not going to happen.  It hit me last night when they put up that there was no need for overtime last night.  There’s also no need for overtime tonight.  That’s 4 hours I’m not going to be able to work.  I should be able to work on Friday although I don’t know about tomorrow night.  So that’s 7.5 hours for the week.  I doubt there will be OT on Sunday either.  Now I have to decide if I sign up for Saturday.  I could work 10 – 4:30 which would give me another 6.5 hours, but it also means I could end up working every day for God only knows how long.  I’m not sure how long my wrist could take that.  As it is right now it’s very painful doing certain things and that’s with me wearing a wrist brace.  My left wrist seems to be doing better than my right one, but again, who knows how long that might last.  So I have to figure out what I need to give up this summer.  No going out, no nails, no shopping, no eating out, no Pirates games, etc.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m used to eating ramen noodles for dinner.  And this isn’t even counting car repairs and doctors visits.  Forget about getting my cavities filled – I’ll just have to let my teeth fall out.  At least my generic medications are free.

Right now I’m saying I’ll never date again.  Every time recently I give too much, get too little, and end up broke when it’s over with.  Who knows? I may end up on the street before this is over.  I saw Mom’s list of rules and since I’m working full time I have to pay rent on time every month.  Which might just mean not paying the minimum payments on my credit cards every month which is just going to ruin my credit even more and increase the already long projected time to pay them off.  And no, I don’t use the damn things and haven’t in over a year.  Well, once, for groceries because I didn’t have my debit card.  So if I decide not to pay her, or not pay her on time only God knows what will happen.  And Tom was telling me yesterday that things are going to get better.  What a load of crap.  Of course he was also telling me that people making minimum wage can manage to live on their own so why can’t I?  Yeah, I wanted to belt him.   If he actually gives me money between now and when we move out I might be able to afford my inspection and car repairs.  I might be able to get the alignment done.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not really sure if I have the time or energy for a second job.  Nor am I sure what I’d be able to do.  And it seems that everyone and everything wants me to donate money to something or the other.  *sigh* As if I didn’t have enough to feel guilty over.  Maybe I can sell some of my books, though I hate to do that.  Yeah, life pretty much sucks and I don’t see it getting better.

For awhile I’ve been drifting and not sure of what to do or where to go.  I’ve made decisions and tried my best, but things have fallen apart.  I think there’s something wrong in just about every area in my life. My health, my transportation, my job, my relationship, my shelter, my finances, etc. it all seems to be falling apart. I’ve gotten away from God and I’m not sure how to get back.  I’m afraid and I’m not sure why.  I’m not sure I can ever go back.

I’ve broken up with Tom.  I haven’t really said anything about it here because I’m not sure what to say.  He stopped acting like he loved me.  I kept having to take responsibility for everything.  He broke promises to me.  We would fight daily, multiple times a day.  I don’t really think we have that much in common.  I feel like I have to do it all with little or no help.  I wasn’t happy in the relationship.  People are shocked that I broke up with him.  Sometimes I am, too.  I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore.  I’m having to train myself not to be quite so concerned, but not calling him has been rather easy.  There are a lot of things I’m not happy with him over.  I’m losing a lot by breaking up with him – my independence, my privacy, my days off.  I’ve worked on 13 of the last 14 days.  I’ve done more than 8 hours of OT during the week along with double time on Sundays.  My wrists are killing me.  The house is a mess and I actually feel like doing something about it, but I don’t have the energy.  I’m planning on working 2 hours post shift every day this week along with 5.5 hours on Friday.  Then I will be work at least 3 hours of double time each Sunday.  Hopefully, this will help with the backlog on the bills and get things straightened out financially.  I’m going to have to work around 10 hours of time and a half in for the next 6 to 8 months to make ends meet and I don’t necessarily know if that when it would end.  I have so many bills and so much responsibility and a lot of it is due to this relationship.  When will I ever learn?

Back to God, I kinda feel like He wants me to suffer.  I don’t know where or how to find the peace that everyone seems to think Christians should have.  I don’t hurt on the inside as much as I thought I would, but I feel empty.  I feel lonely and isolated.  There’s a part of me that just wants to be left alone and there’s a part of me that just wants to connect with people.  It’s hard, though. So many of my friends are moving forwards with with their lives and are such strong Christians.  I feel like such a failure next to them.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself, but I don’t know how not to.  I’m not satisfied with me.  Heck, I’m not even sure who me is.  It’s been a long journey since last March and it has changed me.  I’m still searching for answers and I don’t know where to find them.

I’m debating moving my vacation and moving back in with Mom sooner.  Tom wants to continue on as roommates, but I don’t really think I want to do that.  I don’t want to be his convenience.  I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore, although I know Mom will do that as well, to some extent.  Of course, she’ll love me.  There aren’t clearly defined roles between Tom and me.  So much has changed and I don’t know where it’s going.  There’s so much of my life that I’ve lost, so much of myself that I’ve lost.  I want to get back to God, but I don’t exactly know how.

Can I just say that I’m scared?  Life has sucked recently.  Tom was hit by a car on Saturday night. So far he’s lost almost an entire week’s of work.  His knee and shoulder are injured. I found out today that tomorrow he’s being sent for a MRI of his knee and won’t be able to go back until after we get the results from the doctor.  She didn’t like how his knee sounded.  So my prediction is, if there’s nothing wrong with the knee, is that the earliest he can go back is Thursday and the earliest he can get a load is Friday.  *sigh* Without tom working we start running out of money fairly quickly, especially at this point since he hasn’t been keeping up with his payments to me for various reasons.  So yeah, we’re low on money.  Due to this I’ve signed up for 14.5 hours of OT (time and a half and double time) this weekend.  Plus the 1.5 to 2 hours I’ve already done this week.  It’ll be hell, I think, but it needs to be done.  I’ve already gone through once and figured out what bills aren’t going to be paid this month and it looks like I’ll have to search for some hard numbers to figure it at this point.  I don’t know how long I’ll have to work crazy OT, but it could be a while.  Unless, of course, some untoward things happen tomorrow.

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Tom was hit by a car Saturday night while walking around the complex.  He hurt his shoulder and his knee and is out from work until at least Thursday.  I thought that since he was trapped home and couldn’t work that I might get to spend some time with him even though I have to work.  The only think I can say is that I get to see him.  I can’t find my bluetooth at the moment so I can’t talk to him while I’m driving.  So I talked to him on all of my breaks yesterday.  After my 11 pm break he went to sleep.  It’s 11:39 am and he’s still sleeping.  I went grocery shopping last night and got him a bunch of stuff – clothes (his only fitting pair of jeans had to be cut due to the accident), food, flowers, Bengay, and cherry Crush.  He doesn’t even know it because he’s not awake.  He’s sleeping on the couch in the living room and didn’t wake when I brought groceries in, did dishes, and made myself something to eat.  I almost completely cleaned my room Sunday night and he didn’t even comment on it.  I felt so horrible yesterday and I still went to get him things at the store.  I was literally shaking when I got home and I had no help.  I know he’s hurt and that he needs to sleep in order to heal, but you know what?  I still resent it.  I was exhausted yesterday and had to work for 10+ hours.  I was shaking, feeling nauseated, having hot flashes, had back pain, etc.  I had to remind him to take the pain medication.  I’m trying to figure out how to afford everything and what to pay and not pay.  After I finish this I’m going to get dressed, eat breakfast, make lunch, call work and let them know I’m coming in early, and go to work to do some OT.  I have to cancel getting my car repaired on Friday.  I’m finishing up going through withdrawal and I’m just waiting for the back and abdominal cramps to start.  Not to mention the blood.  I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m hurting.  I know I hurt him on Sunday.  My emotions were out of control and things were going straight from my brain out my mouth.  I found out this weekend that not only has he been patronizing me, he’s also been lying to me.  He keeps telling me that it’s okay and that we’ll get through my medication trial and error and not to worry about cleaning if I just couldn’t do it.  On Friday (or was it Saturday?) he blew up about the fact that I hadn’t been cleaning things (which is incredibly hard to do when you’re depressed because you don’t give a shit about yourself, let alone the kitchen) and told me that I was a different person every weekend and he was sick of it.  If I’m a different person all the time, how can he know whether or not he loves me?  You can’t love someone if you don’t know who they are.  And will he love me when I’m finally through this?  I don’t know who I’ll be.  I’m not the co-dependent person I was when we met.  I wasn’t strong then and I depended on him for a whole lot.  I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again.  How am I supposed to know if he really loves me?  How am I supposed to know if he’ll love me a month from now?  I don’t know how to handle it all.  I’m scared and I’m alone.  I’m jealous of my friends who have people in their lives to talk to and do things with.  I don’t know where to go from here.  (He did get up at some point – the Bengay is open.)  I’m alone even when I’m with someone.  Sometimes I think I’ll always be alone.

There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

Finances are depressing. I got a raise earlier in the summer, but I now get paid less money. Someone figure that out for me, please. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to tithe, pay my bills, get gas, and get groceries. Tom bought me groceries for this week, but I haven’t a clue what to do after that. I have a huge bill due at the beginning of next month and there is no OT to help me gather money to pay it. I’ve just done an estimate of my bills through this time next month and it’s not pretty. I don’t know what to do to change things. I try hard, but there never seems to be enough money. I don’t know what to do. Honestly, it depresses me and makes me want to give up. I don’t like feeling that way.

I have always believed in God and Jesus. I have always believed that He loves me and cares for me. Recently, that belief has been stretched and even broken. I know He came to save us and that he redeemed us. I’ve just been going through a time when I haven’t been able to trust Him.
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Deep down. People always are wondering what they are like deep down. So much can be seen on the surface but who trusts the surface of anything? Surfaces can be painted and glossed over and made pretty for everyone to see. It’s what is below that matters. There are people who are all surface. These people make poor friends. Well, maybe not poor friends, but certainly not true friends. They are not friends who will stick with you through thick and thin. They are not people who will be there when the going gets tough. I’m not a big fan of surface people. Luckily, I don’t know that many. Most surface people get sick of me right away. I’ve always been one to look closely at people and things. I see too much, as one friend told me. I know I look to hard and ask too much. I always have. It’s hard for me to trust people. As I told you in my 101 Things About Me I always feel like I’m pestering people or bothering them when I go to talk to them. There are times, and those times can be quite often, when I have extremely low self esteem. I don’t see why anyone would bother with me. I know I’m nothing special, nothing worth people taking time and energy away from their activities for. So I tend to leave people alone. I don’t call anyone other than my parents and Tom. Tom, for some odd reason, likes to talk to me. I don’t always understand why. I’m so bogged down in money problems that I can’t see straight. I would like to believe that I’m worthwhile, etc. but I just feel like a drain on society. I don’t contribute much; I just take. Or at least that’s all I can see right now. I just want to get in bed and hide under the covers. It makes going to church difficult.

I’ve been having a rough time of it recently. The weather was nice for a while, but has gone bad in the past week. Rainy and coldish. Although the rain wasn’t as bad as I hoped. I’ve been very depressed. I’m thinking of starting to take the Welbutrin again, but I’m afraid to bring it up to Tom. He wants me off of the meds as much as I do. I’m still not off the Risperdal. I tried and it was just a mess. I missed my last appt with my psychiatrist. *sigh* That’s what I get for not listening to my messages. I worked 12 hours on Monday which sucked. I was exhausted for most of the day. Right up until it became time for me to go to sleep. *sigh* Today was tiring, but went much faster. I’m worried that Tom won’t be home for our anniversary. Mom’s having surgery. Small surgery, but surgery none the less. Debbie’s being a bitch. She upset me when I was feeling suicidal so I had a rough trip home last Thursday. I got the invitation for her bridal shower today. *sigh* I don’t have the money to buy her a gift. Somebody shoot me. I’m feeling very discouraged, unloved, unwanted, unlovable, unwantable, and like a failure. I suck.