You probably won’t believe this, but there are days when I wish I could end this life.  Days like today when I’m left feeling empty, old, weary, and sad.  Mornings when the anger comes on so thick, so dark, so violent I scare myself.  When it circles around and gets worse and worse and I’m doing things which I despise.  And to ease that tension, to deal with that level of emotion, I do something despicable - I turn on myself.  Hitting, punching, scratching, biting - it takes away the tension when it becomes too much.  I’ve been getting worse as the days go on.  I’m not sure what to do.  There is a part of me that is wishing that I was moving out right away, so I could be alone with my pain.  So that there would be the possibility of getting treatment soon.  I’m trapped here, for now.  Or at least that’s the way I feel.  Trapped.  I long for freedom.  Freedom from my job - the freedom to write.  That just gets me irritated.  I didn’t have extra time today, though I did steal some.  I have a story that I’ve been working on.  I haven’t shared it - I want to work on the beginning.  It started out one way and I don’t like the way it goes.  I’m creating a world.  A world with daemons and fey, as I call them.  A world with people both good and bad.  I love that.  I love having the words just flow from my brain into the computer.  I don’t know where it comes from, but I love it.  I hate to take away from that.  There’s a certain beauty in creating something new.  Except for the life of me I cannot remember my main character’s last name!  There’s a part of me that wants to take a lower paying job at a position I may or may not like as much which is much closer to the new place.  But I wouldn’t want to start that until I moved there.  And I don’t move there for another month.  Its so frustrating.  There’s a part of me that wants out of the city desperately - I don’t want to try and find my way there in the event of a strike.  I have a plan for getting there from here, but not from Baldwin.  I don’t think I can afford it.  I’m pretty sure that I cannot afford it.  Co-pays are always going to be there.  I’ll have to pay at least once a week and on some weeks, twice a week.  If I go into physical therapy then there will be co-pays for that three times a week, if I remember my doctor’s orders correctly.  If I leave I might have to go COBRA which could be up to $500 a month.  It can take up to three months to get health benefits, sometimes longer than that if you’re doing a temp to hire.  *sigh*

I don’t want to find myself in a hole I can’t get out of.  At the prompting of my mother I wonder if I’m moving from depression to bipolar.  I don’t want to find myself in a place where dying is more desirable than living.  I was there once.  I don’t want to go back.  I just don’t see a way out.

Well, I’m really not all that excited.  I got yelled at at work today in front of the whole floor.  That made me sad and angry, which you know if you Plurk.  But I’m home now, talking to my guy, installing programs, and contemplating dinner.  (Tom’s having Chinese.  Sarah’s having mac’n cheese and hot dogs.  I want!) I got some good pictures today of the dog, but I don’t think I’m going to upload them tonight.  Maybe later.  Bad news: Tom’s truck looks like it has a broken head (since when did trucks have heads?) and its going to take about a week to repair.  That means no miles, which means no paycheck.  :(  That is very bad.  But, there is some good news - the company put Tom up at a hotel (motel?  What’s the difference?) which means not only can he take showers every day, he can even take baths! (Trust me, this is cause for excitement.  Tom loves his showers.)  I have Tom all signed up with Plurk, now to get him on Facebook.  And maybe LJ.  I definitely want him to see my sites.  Which reminds me, I need to track down the login page for my website.  I don’t have it bookmarked on this computer.  And I must check on Techievampire.  Darn, no update.  I’m worried about them.  Maybe I’ll call them later.  Yeah, when I get off the phone with Tom!  But I’m talking to Tom!  And that makes me happy!  Yay!

Well, here’s what’s been going on.  I had my gall bladder out on Monday.  I don’t have to go back to work till next Wednesday.  I was approved for Short Term Disability.

I’m pretty sure Tom’s gotten his dream back.  I don’t want to say anything more because I don’t want to jinx it.  But it is amazing how God moves in people’s lives.

Mom had a tooth crack and it was removed.  That was giving her a lot of pain.  This is her first day bak at work since Thursday. She had to stay home with me Monday and yesterday which gave her two more days to recover.

Dad and Kathy came to the hospital with me.  I wasn’t sure I wanted them there, but got scared and called them Monday morning and they still came.  I wish Tom would have been able to have been there, but I know what he was doing was important.  I can’t wait to talk to him later.

Tom has Verizon on one of his phones. I have Verizon.  This means we can talk to each other on these phones at any hour of the day and not have to worry about going over minutes.  This is a good thing.  I know we used over a thousand peak minutes last month.  But I did have to get a texting plan.  So if you want to text me, you can!

Yes, I’ll probably be spammy this week as I get feeling better.  Its been a long time since I’ve had time to sit at the computer for any length of time.  Tom and I usually stay out too late!

I think tis time for me to go lie down and think about my sin of eating something too complicated too soon.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be back.

Got my new glasses.  I’ll have to take a pic to show you guys.  Stomach ache this morning and today I stayed home.  Did a lot of sleeping.  Except for picking up my glasses and working on the dining room table.  And, of course, keeping up with the kitchy.  I will help get this house clean.  Did some work on the blog - got my Blog Log set up over there.  Don’t tell anybody, but I’m stealing ideas from Sarah

I am planning on going to work tomorrow.  I was able to get an appt with my doc, but not until Thursday night at 630.  Guess that changes those nice weekly plans I drew up last night, eh?  lol.  Tomorrow I face work and therapy.  Not the happiest of combinations, but it is supposed to be a little warmer.  Now if I could only figure out how to get a weather plug in to work, I’d show you all the weather here.  Maybe I can find someone to help me.  *sigh*  Its so complicated!

Time for sleep.  Good night all!

Stealing from Sarah

4/28 - Well, its kinda over for me. Its 8:55 pm and I’m about to go to bed. Just had work today. It was awful. I felt awful. If I had been able to, I would have gone home at about 10 am. Last 45 minutes of the day sucked horribly. I wish my supervisor would make up her mind. But, clean room, candle lighted, room lighted up, computer and kitty so much better now. If only my stomach would agree….

4/29 - Tuesday. Guess what! I’m going to that joy-filled place known as work. Once again I’ll be racing through my reports trying to get them done early enough. And helping out with wires. I wonder if Kiera will be there. She might have gone into labor this afternoon. Just what I need - my back up to go missing on me. Poor Kiera, though. She’s not due till June.

4/30 - Pay day! I get to go to all my billing websites and pay my bills. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Discover (this month and next month), MBNA (which is really Bank of America, but it was MBNA when I got the card!), and phone. Well, can’t quite pay the phone yet. The bill won’t be ready until after the 4th of May. Silly Verizon. Also find out what my employee discount will get me in the way of car insurance. If it goes like the quotes I got today, I’ll be sticking with what I have, even if it did go up $98 for no apparent reason. Oh yeah, I have therapy today. Joy.

5/1 - Just another day. Maybe getting some laundry done - my bed, I think. Though its a risky thing to do on a short night. Might have to stay up late letting it dry. Must empty the dishwasher. And it’s Thursday - trash day.

5/2 - Friday! One last day at work and I get to go home to my nice clean kitchen and room. Did I mention I cleaned up the kitchen this weekend?

5/3 - Yay! I get to sleep in. Or wake up and go back to sleep, however you want to describe it. Must work on dining room and solve the weekly dilemma - whether or not to go to Seeds. Probably won’t happen. Damn Terry.

5/4 - Maybe this Sunday I’ll wake up early enough to check out St. Stephens. Must find church. So far Mom’s liked Sharon Presby and I like St. Phillip’s. Twill be interesting to see what the service is like. If I can wake up early enough. Laundry day.

So that’s my week. It will also be cold, wet, and, thank God, not snowy. I like all the spring flowers, but ’tis almost time for them to be gone. Petals are falling. The grass in the backyard looks like it has dandruff. And the clock strikes nine o’clock. (Okay, so its a few minutes and an hour off. I won’t tell if you won’t!)

Edit: 5/2 - getting together with Knitting Mama.

I cleaned my room.  Its the cleanest its been for literally years.  I just have some laundry to do and the two window seats to clean out (mostly not even my stuff). But the floor’s are clean (well, you can see them.  I still have to get the vacuum up here) and the bed is made (mostly).  My desk (formerly known as the kitchen table) has both chairs in and room to read and write.  My printer is set up (but I haven’t moved everything to the new surge protector [my old one is in the computer room downstairs]) and my coffee table has no junk on it.  I still have to get out the great number pad Dad bought me for my computer and maybe set up my web cam (though I don’t know why.  I don’t have anyone to web cam with or for).  I’ve got a little light on the coffee table, a light on the end table, a light on my desk, a light on my dresser (and a cat *glare*), and a light on my nightstand.  I have two alarm clocks (yes, I need two).  My A/C is on (it gets really hot and stuffy up here and its already in the 70s - and you don’t even want to know about the sun I get!) and my room is nice and cool.  I have to hang up some clothes - well, sorta. I’m one pant hanger short.  Anyone have a spare pant hanger? Oh wait!  I have Huggable Hangers TM - I can make one. *bounce*  I forgot about that!  I have my laundry bags set up (although they are FULL of laundry).  My kitchen area is looking better, though I’m still missing a bunch of pots and pans.  I wonder where they ran off to.  I think I might be able to fit a small book case up here - one from Ikea, once I’ve saved up some money (very hard to do.  I have a lot of expenses - but that’s another post).  Light wood.  Well, I best be off to bed, while I’m still feeling accomplished.

Its been over ten days since I posted. That’s a long time. What have I been up to? Well, the truth is not much. I get up at 5/530 every day and don’t get home from work until about six. On Tuesdays I have to drive back across town for small group and on Wednesdays I go straight to the chiropracter. *sigh* I just don’t have that much energy when I get home. I’m so tired. I have no idea if I’m going to adjust to this or spend the next unknown amount of years feeling tired every weekday. I’m hoping for the former. Really hoping for the former. As you all know my sister got engaged less than a month than a month ago. So I’ve resolved to lose 30 to 40 lbs by 6/6/09. I’m not doing so well with this so far. I’ve actually gained weight since I started working. Since I’m doing a lot more walking I am more than a little confused. Does sitting on a bus cause weight gain? Maybe I’m just not walking fast enough. I don’t know about that one - I end up with sore shins everytime and I’m sure as heck trying to get out of the cold! The cold is bearable (I’m good at bundling up) but I’m definately not looking forward to the summer. It can get so hot.

I’ve gotten my finances all worked out. For the next five years. And I’ve already done my taxes. I want that refund. With that I should be able to pay off one card by May. Well, that’s if I can keep my personal expenses down to $250 a month. *sigh* Not going to be easy. And its going to be that way for the next two and a half years. *double sigh* That’s everything - gas, prescriptions, food, etc. I’m not going to have any play money. And I probably won’t have any for the next two and a half years. Are we getting the theme here? I may have to stop my chiro appts. I’m not sure if I can afford them. I already owe them something like $78. I still don’t have my health cards for insurance that was supposed to start on January 2. I’m still waiting for my new debit card and pin number. Yes, I changed banks. Again. Citizen has ATMs in the lobby. Its that easy. Anyways, I went to pay all my bills yesterday but I was only able to hit one of the three. Changing bank accounts has caused trouble. Bank of America wants confirmation. Yes, they want me to type in the stupid little deposits they’ve made on my account. Easy enough to do, right? Just hop on the bank’s web site and look them up. Sorry folks, its not that easy. I have to have my atm card number in order to sign up for my online banking. I haven’t received the atm card. So I have to remember to do all that next week after I get the atm card. I have to change my pay pal account, though I’m not sure why. I’m not going to be buying anything on ebay or at my fave sites. Anyways, I try to pay my verizon bill - they don’t have it ready. I just wanted to get them all done in one fell swoop. Apparently I have delusions of grandeur. I probably won’t be able to keep to my payment schedule which will extend the amount of time and money I have to pay on the second credit card. I will pay one of the two off this year.

Okay, so there’s your update. I’m exhausted so I’m off to bed.

I’ve updated my site, I’ve updated my site! Well, not too much updated as much as changed the layout. I’d had the old layout for years. The new one’s from Faery Ink.

Sig by Sarah.

Well, tonight I added my two new wordpress themes. *bounce* I love themes! I figured out how to connect to my ftp server and upload things quickly. *bounce* I like it much better. *nods* I wasn’t, however, able to figure out how to load the weather plug-in correctly. I tried playing around with the codes, but nothing worked. I got a bunch of errors and I don’t know enough php (wait a minute - what do I mean enough? I know nothing about php!) to get it to work. I managed to figure out how to fix the problems with the domestic princess theme and get it working, but that’s about it for fixing things tonight.

Make note - this is a multiple post day (as they often are)!