A way out
Monday, November 17th, 2008You probably won’t believe this, but there are days when I wish I could end this life. Days like today when I’m left feeling empty, old, weary, and sad. Mornings when the anger comes on so thick, so dark, so violent I scare myself. When it circles around and gets worse and worse and I’m doing things which I despise. And to ease that tension, to deal with that level of emotion, I do something despicable - I turn on myself. Hitting, punching, scratching, biting - it takes away the tension when it becomes too much. I’ve been getting worse as the days go on. I’m not sure what to do. There is a part of me that is wishing that I was moving out right away, so I could be alone with my pain. So that there would be the possibility of getting treatment soon. I’m trapped here, for now. Or at least that’s the way I feel. Trapped. I long for freedom. Freedom from my job - the freedom to write. That just gets me irritated. I didn’t have extra time today, though I did steal some. I have a story that I’ve been working on. I haven’t shared it - I want to work on the beginning. It started out one way and I don’t like the way it goes. I’m creating a world. A world with daemons and fey, as I call them. A world with people both good and bad. I love that. I love having the words just flow from my brain into the computer. I don’t know where it comes from, but I love it. I hate to take away from that. There’s a certain beauty in creating something new. Except for the life of me I cannot remember my main character’s last name! There’s a part of me that wants to take a lower paying job at a position I may or may not like as much which is much closer to the new place. But I wouldn’t want to start that until I moved there. And I don’t move there for another month. Its so frustrating. There’s a part of me that wants out of the city desperately - I don’t want to try and find my way there in the event of a strike. I have a plan for getting there from here, but not from Baldwin. I don’t think I can afford it. I’m pretty sure that I cannot afford it. Co-pays are always going to be there. I’ll have to pay at least once a week and on some weeks, twice a week. If I go into physical therapy then there will be co-pays for that three times a week, if I remember my doctor’s orders correctly. If I leave I might have to go COBRA which could be up to $500 a month. It can take up to three months to get health benefits, sometimes longer than that if you’re doing a temp to hire. *sigh*
I don’t want to find myself in a hole I can’t get out of. At the prompting of my mother I wonder if I’m moving from depression to bipolar. I don’t want to find myself in a place where dying is more desirable than living. I was there once. I don’t want to go back. I just don’t see a way out.

