1. Finish email to Aunt Jo
2. Call Keystone about taxes
3. Grocery shop
4. sign up for OT
5. Call Dr Coleman for appointment or referral to someone who has appointments on Friday

I also have several troubling things going on.

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I don’t know what to do anymore.  There are moments when I hate my life, but most of the time I just get no pleasure from it.  I know we’re not put on this earth to have fun, but sometimes I wish I could have more of it.  I’m plodding through life.  I go to work and I go grocery shopping.  I get gas and take my car to the shop.  Occasionally, I see my father.  I work to pay the bills. I work OT to pay the bills.  I work to put gas in the car so I can get to work.  I come home, play Facebook games and read about other people’s lives on Livejournal and their blogs.  I request blinkies and such because they can actually make me smile.  On the weekends I spend most of my time reading which is the same as hiding from my life.  *shrug*  Why wouldn’t I want to?  The people around are either busy or don’t talk to me.  Goodness, if I didn’t have work related questions I could the entire day from the moment I leave the house until the minute I wake up the next morning and go downstairs without talking to anyone.  And I’m not exaggerating.  I talk more on weekends to my Mom, which is good.  That wasn’t the case in the last week, but I’m not sure in that case it was worth it.  I ended up more aggravated, but that was due to the person I was talking to.  And even then it was only after work.  I guess I’m too picky.

Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore.  Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard.  Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave.  I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long.  Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy.   The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful.  It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!).  But still – Jim was my last single RL friend.  Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant.  *shrug*  She’ll find someone.  She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom.  I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more.  It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end.  I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.

I’m not normal.  Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird.  I love to read sci fi and fantasy.  I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS.  I hate the majority of the reality TV shows.  I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game.  I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games.  I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m not comfortable in large groups.  Okay, certain types  of large groups.  Baseball games yes, parties no.  I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it.  It tends to lose something when you have to explain it.  I have a schedule that most people don’t follow.  I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.).  I like spice scented and apple scented candles.  It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty.  I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish.  I do wish.  But I don’t see it happening.  Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared.  The last two I thought were serious.  I ended up with nothing at the end of both.  In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on.  The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state.  Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified.  Not to mention that dating is too expensive.  Don’t try to tell me it isn’t.  I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.

So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will.  I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change.  I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me.  I’m not going to beg.  Fear will keep me from large groups.  Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal.  Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.

Next week is going to suck.  I most likely will not be around from Sunday night through sometime on Friday.  It’s not my fault, either.  The fault lies with Duquesne Light.

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I’ve had a couple people ask me what happened today and its not just one thing. Its been a day long event. Here we go!

I got up a half hour early due to a closed bridge on my route. I was so happy. Its amazing how things can change. I walked out my door and closed it not stopping in enough time to keep it from closing. Why did I need to keep the door from closing you ask? Well, the door was locked and my keys were still inside. Its now 430 in the morning and my day was just beginning.

Remembering that Tom had told me that it was “easy” to break into our apartment, I tried. With his help and without his help. All I got was a damaged card and some blisters. Oh, and all hot and sweaty. Really sweaty. He said call you mom; she has a key to your car and you can still go into work. I’d be late and half to leave early to get back in the aparment to keep from paying $200+ to get back in. So I call Mom, get her out of bed and she heads up here. We’re having a horrible time staying connected. But she comes.

We knew it was going to set the car alarm off, but having been assured that yes the car would start we went for it. Well, the alarm did go off but the car did not start. *sigh* At this point Mom and I head for McDonald’s to get something to eat. We stay there till 745. Mom says JC Penny’s is opening early so we head over there so she can show me the dress she likes. Its not open. So we go shopping. And finally head over to the office to get the door unlocked.

Mr Maintenance Man had to come from his house so it looked like I was going to have to stay even longer. Luckily I got my first break of the day. One of the nice ladies who work in the office goes over to my apartment with me and lets me in. Mom gets her cup and I head for work.

I made it to work okay, but then the trouble started up again. They had me crossed off the list. I had called and told them I was going to be late and possibly not be there at all but that I was going to try to make it in. I go to the seat that they have to be in and someone’s sitting there. There is an open seat, but there’s no chair. I steal a chair and log in. I should mention at this point that I’m in one of the new dual stations and unlike everybody else the never trained me to use it. But the girls next to me said they would help. I log in and try to get into Enterprise. It won’t let me. I try again. Still no luck. They say shut down and restart so I do. The say what are you going into. I say Citrix and they say no, you have to go into alpha gateway. *sigh* So I go in there and it lets me in. However it is running like frozen mollasses. So I restart. Again. Still running slow.

I go back to the lead, Greg, and tell him my problem. He says to go to G9. I log out and grab all my stuff (jacket, purse, lunchbox, backpack, and cup) and head there. I log in and the computer won’t let me in on either side (I was in a multiple station which has two computers). I go back to Greg and he says let me see. He then says go to A. I log out and grab a seat over there. He’s still with me and I try to log in to both sides of the A station (it was a multiple, too). One side I have no luck, the other side I hit paydirt. He says stay in singles and try again in about 15 minutes and leaves me be. I go and sign the board because its taken over 20 minutes to get to a point where I can actually work. This gets my punch changed and prevents my numbers from dropping. I start working. I try the other side – no luck. I wait and try again. Yay! It works! So I punch into multiples and start working. I get one done and look! Its time for lunch.

I go to lunch and find out Gerry’s was fired yesterday, just like I had thought. Becky, Stacey, and Maryanne all know that their probation is being extended. I haven’t heard a thing about mine. Lovely, more to worry about all weekend. We hear that the schedules been changed and head over to check it out.

My seat (B33) is now highlighted and it says to go into Tampa. So I log out of the A station, grab all my stuff (again) and head for B33. I log in there and we’re talking. In the meeting yesterday they had said specifically that if you’re in a new dual station stay in it all day. So Becky goes and asks the supervisor on duty and he says no. Go into Tampa. We then realize that the stations we’re working in won’t go into Tampa. Another girl went and asked and we’re told to go to A or G. So I log out and grab all my stuff and head back to my A station. I log in and another break. They both work. So I head back to the board to log my problems and have my punches corrected again. I work.

I develop a really sore knee, a headache, tension pain in my neck and shourlders. By the end of the day I feel tired and kinda cryey. I decided that this would not be good for me to go to the party with. *sigh* I really wanted to go to the party. My friends already think that a) I’m flakey and B) I can’t be counted on and I don’t want to perpetuate that. But I’m basically done in. I also had told the SCK that there was a good chance that I wouldn’t be there due to the fact that I have to get up at 3 in the morning. That’s right – 3 am. I haven’t been able to get a hold of Tom all day (and I’ve tried three times). He did call me while I was working but I couldn’t answer then. He finally calls and I go home.

Nope, it doesn’t stop there. I get home and go to make macaroni and cheese with hot dog in it. I reach down to pull out the drawer beneath the oven which has all the pots and pans. It won’t open. I get down on the floor (with the sore knee, tension in the neck and shoulders and painful back), practically pull the door front off and can’t figure out why it won’t open. I push it in a little and pull back – voila! It opens. *sigh*

I finish eating. The whole time I’ve been having connection problems with Tom. Then I get diarrhea. I try to take a nap, but it doesn’t work. Tom wakes me (apparently I did fall asleep) and I go to take my pills. I get them out, pick them up, and realize I don’t have anything to drink. I grab it, come out to the living room, grab my computer, and sit down. Firefox crashes. Digsby crashes. I get them both restarted and the connection isn’t very good. Most of the FF pages won’t load and Digsby won’t connect. They finally do start working and that brings me to this point.

That is my bad day, but there were some bright points. I got to spend time with Mom. I got to get some groceries. I found out what happened to Gerry. I got to lie down in my bed. Most importantly – I panicked for 15 seconds or less and that was it. True, I did cry a tiny bit after work, but nothing like my depression and anxiety normally would have had me doing. Being off those pills is awesome! Sometimes I think that God does things like this to me so I know how much I can handle. Thank God.

A lot of it has to do with facebook.  There are people who I never thought I’d see again on it.  And some people who I wish I could see.  And one person who I’ve blocked.  Trust me, he’s not worth listening to.  I wonder how my friends from school are doing, though I’ve caught up with most of them.  There’s on glaring exception, but I don’t think she wants to catch up with me.  I really don’t knoe why.  Maybe it’s stupid, but it bothers me.  *shrug*  Nothing I can do about it.  I remember doing musicals and signing in high school, and trust me, I miss it greatly.  I haven’t found something to replace that.  Although writing is helping.  *sigh*  Its still not the same.  I wonder where my friends from college are.  I found more people from my college circle of friends on facebook, I do believe.  I have two requests that I have no idea who these people are.  So I haven’t approved them, but I haven’t ignored them either.  I’m in a group that goes back to my elementary school days.  Facebook has been great for connecting with people.  There are those with kids who I can’t imagine with kids, those married who I can’t imagine being married.   I wonder if I’ll ever catch up with all the people I want to.    Who knows?  Only time will tell.

You probably won’t believe this, but there are days when I wish I could end this life.  Days like today when I’m left feeling empty, old, weary, and sad.  Mornings when the anger comes on so thick, so dark, so violent I scare myself.  When it circles around and gets worse and worse and I’m doing things which I despise.  And to ease that tension, to deal with that level of emotion, I do something despicable – I turn on myself.  Hitting, punching, scratching, biting – it takes away the tension when it becomes too much.  I’ve been getting worse as the days go on.  I’m not sure what to do.  There is a part of me that is wishing that I was moving out right away, so I could be alone with my pain.  So that there would be the possibility of getting treatment soon.  I’m trapped here, for now.  Or at least that’s the way I feel.  Trapped.  I long for freedom.  Freedom from my job – the freedom to write.  That just gets me irritated.  I didn’t have extra time today, though I did steal some.  I have a story that I’ve been working on.  I haven’t shared it – I want to work on the beginning.  It started out one way and I don’t like the way it goes.  I’m creating a world.  A world with daemons and fey, as I call them.  A world with people both good and bad.  I love that.  I love having the words just flow from my brain into the computer.  I don’t know where it comes from, but I love it.  I hate to take away from that.  There’s a certain beauty in creating something new.  Except for the life of me I cannot remember my main character’s last name!  There’s a part of me that wants to take a lower paying job at a position I may or may not like as much which is much closer to the new place.  But I wouldn’t want to start that until I moved there.  And I don’t move there for another month.  Its so frustrating.  There’s a part of me that wants out of the city desperately – I don’t want to try and find my way there in the event of a strike.  I have a plan for getting there from here, but not from Baldwin.  I don’t think I can afford it.  I’m pretty sure that I cannot afford it.  Co-pays are always going to be there.  I’ll have to pay at least once a week and on some weeks, twice a week.  If I go into physical therapy then there will be co-pays for that three times a week, if I remember my doctor’s orders correctly.  If I leave I might have to go COBRA which could be up to $500 a month.  It can take up to three months to get health benefits, sometimes longer than that if you’re doing a temp to hire.  *sigh*

I don’t want to find myself in a hole I can’t get out of.  At the prompting of my mother I wonder if I’m moving from depression to bipolar.  I don’t want to find myself in a place where dying is more desirable than living.  I was there once.  I don’t want to go back.  I just don’t see a way out.

Well, I’m really not all that excited.  I got yelled at at work today in front of the whole floor.  That made me sad and angry, which you know if you Plurk.  But I’m home now, talking to my guy, installing programs, and contemplating dinner.  (Tom’s having Chinese.  Sarah’s having mac’n cheese and hot dogs.  I want!) I got some good pictures today of the dog, but I don’t think I’m going to upload them tonight.  Maybe later.  Bad news: Tom’s truck looks like it has a broken head (since when did trucks have heads?) and its going to take about a week to repair.  That means no miles, which means no paycheck.    That is very bad.  But, there is some good news – the company put Tom up at a hotel (motel?  What’s the difference?) which means not only can he take showers every day, he can even take baths! (Trust me, this is cause for excitement.  Tom loves his showers.)  I have Tom all signed up with Plurk, now to get him on Facebook.  And maybe LJ.  I definitely want him to see my sites.  Which reminds me, I need to track down the login page for my website.  I don’t have it bookmarked on this computer.  And I must check on Techievampire.  Darn, no update.  I’m worried about them.  Maybe I’ll call them later.  Yeah, when I get off the phone with Tom!  But I’m talking to Tom!  And that makes me happy!  Yay!

Well, here’s what’s been going on.  I had my gall bladder out on Monday.  I don’t have to go back to work till next Wednesday.  I was approved for Short Term Disability.

I’m pretty sure Tom’s gotten his dream back.  I don’t want to say anything more because I don’t want to jinx it.  But it is amazing how God moves in people’s lives.

Mom had a tooth crack and it was removed.  That was giving her a lot of pain.  This is her first day bak at work since Thursday. She had to stay home with me Monday and yesterday which gave her two more days to recover.

Dad and Kathy came to the hospital with me.  I wasn’t sure I wanted them there, but got scared and called them Monday morning and they still came.  I wish Tom would have been able to have been there, but I know what he was doing was important.  I can’t wait to talk to him later.

Tom has Verizon on one of his phones. I have Verizon.  This means we can talk to each other on these phones at any hour of the day and not have to worry about going over minutes.  This is a good thing.  I know we used over a thousand peak minutes last month.  But I did have to get a texting plan.  So if you want to text me, you can!

Yes, I’ll probably be spammy this week as I get feeling better.  Its been a long time since I’ve had time to sit at the computer for any length of time.  Tom and I usually stay out too late!

I think tis time for me to go lie down and think about my sin of eating something too complicated too soon.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be back.

Got my new glasses.  I’ll have to take a pic to show you guys.  Stomach ache this morning and today I stayed home.  Did a lot of sleeping.  Except for picking up my glasses and working on the dining room table.  And, of course, keeping up with the kitchy.  I will help get this house clean.  Did some work on the blog – got my Blog Log set up over there.  Don’t tell anybody, but I’m stealing ideas from Sarah

I am planning on going to work tomorrow.  I was able to get an appt with my doc, but not until Thursday night at 630.  Guess that changes those nice weekly plans I drew up last night, eh?  lol.  Tomorrow I face work and therapy.  Not the happiest of combinations, but it is supposed to be a little warmer.  Now if I could only figure out how to get a weather plug in to work, I’d show you all the weather here.  Maybe I can find someone to help me.  *sigh*  Its so complicated!

Time for sleep.  Good night all!