Stealing from Sarah

4/28 – Well, its kinda over for me. Its 8:55 pm and I’m about to go to bed. Just had work today. It was awful. I felt awful. If I had been able to, I would have gone home at about 10 am. Last 45 minutes of the day sucked horribly. I wish my supervisor would make up her mind. But, clean room, candle lighted, room lighted up, computer and kitty so much better now. If only my stomach would agree….

4/29 – Tuesday. Guess what! I’m going to that joy-filled place known as work. Once again I’ll be racing through my reports trying to get them done early enough. And helping out with wires. I wonder if Kiera will be there. She might have gone into labor this afternoon. Just what I need – my back up to go missing on me. Poor Kiera, though. She’s not due till June.

4/30 – Pay day! I get to go to all my billing websites and pay my bills. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Discover (this month and next month), MBNA (which is really Bank of America, but it was MBNA when I got the card!), and phone. Well, can’t quite pay the phone yet. The bill won’t be ready until after the 4th of May. Silly Verizon. Also find out what my employee discount will get me in the way of car insurance. If it goes like the quotes I got today, I’ll be sticking with what I have, even if it did go up $98 for no apparent reason. Oh yeah, I have therapy today. Joy.

5/1 – Just another day. Maybe getting some laundry done – my bed, I think. Though its a risky thing to do on a short night. Might have to stay up late letting it dry. Must empty the dishwasher. And it’s Thursday – trash day.

5/2 – Friday! One last day at work and I get to go home to my nice clean kitchen and room. Did I mention I cleaned up the kitchen this weekend?

5/3 – Yay! I get to sleep in. Or wake up and go back to sleep, however you want to describe it. Must work on dining room and solve the weekly dilemma – whether or not to go to Seeds. Probably won’t happen. Damn Terry.

5/4 – Maybe this Sunday I’ll wake up early enough to check out St. Stephens. Must find church. So far Mom’s liked Sharon Presby and I like St. Phillip’s. Twill be interesting to see what the service is like. If I can wake up early enough. Laundry day.

So that’s my week. It will also be cold, wet, and, thank God, not snowy. I like all the spring flowers, but ’tis almost time for them to be gone. Petals are falling. The grass in the backyard looks like it has dandruff. And the clock strikes nine o’clock. (Okay, so its a few minutes and an hour off. I won’t tell if you won’t!)

Edit: 5/2 – getting together with Knitting Mama.

No, silly, not for me. But this is the weekend of engagements. My sister is now engaged to her longtime boyfriend (ha! He’s her fiance now!) and Ellen and Justin became engaged at church Saturday night (and I was going to go, too. Darn it!) I guess I’ll have to wait to see both of the rings (maybe I’ll sneak over to small group on Tuesday night!) So happiness and joy to all the affianced!

Sig by Sarah

I wish

a) that I had the time and energy to do a real post about my actual life.
b) that I had the time and energy to write.
c) that I had the time and energy to do my skillpathing (and read the 30 month plan!).
d) that I had real presents for people instead of gift cards.
e) that small group was happening tomorrow night.
f) that I could figure out how to get gifs to save transparently.
g) that I had the energy and the courage to put out my idea for a dolling theme.
h) that it was January.
i) that they weren’t taking my refunds away.
j) that I could have been sent to another team.
k) that I had gotten the job.
l) that I had the time and energy to buy gas and cat food (okay, so that gets done tomorrow night irregardless of whether or not I have energy).
m) that I had more money.
n) that I had less debt.
o) that I had gotten a gift for the grab bag today.
p) that I was pushy enough to go for more money.
q) that I had more time for my family (and for me!).
r) that Seeds of Hope could be transplanted to Coraopolis.
s) that Mom would get a new job.
t) that the puppy was house trained.
u) that I could get upstairs clean and nice.
v) that I could easily upload the new version of WordPress (or better yet, get someone else to do it for me!)
w) that I had the time and energy to do Christmas cards (and the addresses!).
x) that all the pets would get along.
y) that Dad and Kathy would just get married already.
z) that I had places to be and people to be with

Okay, that took about five to seven minutes. How long did it take you to get 26 wishes?

I’m not having kids. I won’t have any cute pictures to show off to anyone. I won’t have anyone to kiss the booboo for. No one to watch change and grow. No one to raise. Then again I’m likely to be the old spinster aunt. I guess I just can’t see myself with anyone or having children. The past two years have taken a real toll on me. Being at this point in my life is taking a toll on me, too. I have friends. Friends who are married or on their way to being married. Friends with kids. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel like I fit in because of that. *sigh* I’m very sensitive about fitting in. I always have been. I’ve been so traumatized so it makes sense, but it makes me sad. I’m a lot better than I used to be about it. But I know there are friends that I have that I can’t really connect with because I don’t have kids. *shrug* I do try. But I don’t have the experience to share with them. I don’t think I could handle kids. I certainly can’t handle having a guy. The dynamics of relationships change upon the addition of a significant other or child. I don’t really care for change and I tend to have trouble adjusting. I get awkward and shy. People don’t understand. I feel like I try so hard sometimes and it just doesn’t work. Right now, it still stings to see happy couples – and I know a lot of happy couples. Maybe I’m swinging to the extreme, but I don’t see any guy sticking around with all the problems that I have.

But I am never alone. I have Jesus. I do have people who love and care for me. Or at least the parts of me that they see. I work hard to conceal certain things – like my depression. I’ve been told since I was young that people don’t like to have unhappy people around. And its proven out in life. So people like to have me around, but not too often – I can’t always keep up the face of calmness or happiness. So maybe its a good thing they’re so far away. *shrug* I don’t know.

Last night. I went to Angela’s after work to have dinner with her and Kevin. We went shopping for the party and made dinner. We got ready for the party. I did the brownies, the cookies, and the cheese and pepperoni platter. Oh yeah, I did the cracker plate, too. It was a lot of fun. There were about 9 or 10 people there and we played mafia and werewolf. Well, they played mafia and I narrated. Then they played werewolf and I watched. There was a lot of laughter and a lot of fun. I got to see a bunch of people that I haven’t been able to since I can’t go to church there. I really like those people. I wish I could see them more, but they live on the other side of the city. But the important thing is that I had fun and I stayed to the end.

I hate playing waiting games. That good ole saying “Good things come to those who wait”? I’m not a big fan. I guess I can wait on little things, just not humongous things. And this is a humongous thing. Hopefully, I’ll here tomorrow (preferably before noon) as to whether or not I got it. S and I emailed C in code (it took here two emails to realize it was in code, but she got it) and asked if E had heard anything. He hadn’t. So here I am, still waiting.

I had a bad morning and I called mom at lunch. She, of course, immediately thought that I had heard something back from them. Oops. I told her I might not go to the meeting tonight and I’m not. Oh well, maybe I’ll go Saturday.

Well, he emailed me again. He wanted to get together and talk. He thought it was time. He also sent me a song. Its one of my favorites, though he has no idea about that. It was Tears in Heaven done by the Gregorian chant people. Its a little weird, but it was cool. He wanted me to email him back with what I thought of it. I thought about it. I prayed about it. I deleted it. Its not for me to help Terry. That’s for God to do. With the help of someone else. He also tried to have me add his new im name to my messenger. I rejected his request. I do wish he would leave me alone. This is why I can’t risk going to the church. Though I’m coming close to doing so. I miss it. A lot. COTS just isn’t the same. I’m going to keep going, but I miss the people and the preaching at Seeds. I suppose I’ll get used to it. *shrug* I’m trying. Hopefully, he’ll not try again. I don’t know. I kinda expect an angry email from him demanding that I talk to him. He’s not tried to call me again which is a good thing. I just have to trust that God will bring me through this. And He will. He always does.

I’d say I’ve been busy, but that wouldn’t exactly be true. I have been working and watching tv with mom. I’ve started to go back to small group since they asked Terry not to attend. One of the things that I’ve been trying to do is get Terry to leave me alone. I hadn’t heard from him for about a month but yesterday I got an email with an update of his email account status. Blech. At least he hasn’t tried to contact me. I was going to go to Seeds but with an email from Terry, I got scared. So I didn’t go there. That was disappointing. Maybe next week.

Well, I tried to get to church today. I got all showered and did my hair and make up. I wore one of my new dresses. I left early. Yet it was all in vain because when the service started I was still sitting on the parkway West, at least an hour away from my goal. Well, it would have been at least an hour because of the traffic. See, its a busy weekend here in town. There is a huge country concert (one I would have loved to see), the annual arts festival, and a major highway closure. It took me 45 minutes to get from my house to the top of Greentree hill, which is about 10 to 15 minutes away normally (depending on traffic, that is). At that point I gave up, took the exit and turned around to go home. I was not a happy camper. I haven’t been in church lately thanks to this whole Terry mess and my stupid nerves and I was really looking forward to seeing people. Although, it would have been crazy with the new interns in for the summer camp. I think that starts the 18th, but they have training for two weeks before that. So that’s an extra half dozen or so people added on with the craziness that normally is there. So yes, I’m disappointed. I’m not going next week because I’m going to the baseball game with my father and his fiance next weekend. Good seats, too. And I need to find out if we’re having Bible study this week. I hope so. It would be good to see people.