I have already been feeling like there’s something wrong with me. People at work do not talk to me. Not unless they have to. When I was in training, the other two trainees ignored me. Only the leads and supervisors talk to me most days. Sometimes people nod at me or will say hi as they pass me in the hall way. The van drivers talk to me more than my co-workers. I spend usually less than 15 minutes with them. I keep wondering why they don’t like me. I wonder why I’m beneath their notice.
It doesn’t stop there. My friends. My RL friends rarely talk with me. I’m on Facebook with many of them. It’s rare that they respond to anything I say. I comment on their posts and they’re basically ignored. I try to talk with people and get ignored. I ask if things are okay and I can see that they’re online, but they don’t bother answering till the next day, often when I’m asleep or at work. I try. I try to cut back on my depressive posts. It’s hard, but I really don’t say anywhere near as much as I could. There are a lot of times when I don’t say what I think about things because I don’t want to upset them. I try to interact. I was making plans. I did last weekend. I went to F Cubed. That’s hard for me considering the spiritual and emotional place I’m in right now. I expect them all to be angry with me for what I did to Tom. Especially after my appointment only two days earlier. I don’t know that they’re not. Whether or not it’s necessarily factual, I *know* I’m less important than he is. I *know* I’m less important than everyone. I *know* I don’t matter. Emotions aren’t rational. I want to be there for people, but I’m not good enough. I’m only good enough when there’s absolutely no one else.

It’s hard. My jaw hurts most of the day every day. It’s extremely hard to eat and last night it made it extremely difficult to sleep. That constant pain can be difficult. It’s draining. Only reading and listening to my audiobooks seem to block it. I also had bouts of nausea on Thursday. I’m going to have to work next Friday. That’s depressing. At least my shift doesn’t normally work on Fridays and those that do tend to work in the morning. Why, I don’t know. Of course, they don’t normally work till 230 the same morning. *shrug* I’m wearing myself out and I know it. I know I’m pulling in. I can feel it. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know that it matters that I do. I just keep asking myself and God what’s wrong with me?

I feel like I’m in a spiritual wasteland.  I don’t know which way to go – I feel paralyzed.  I feel empty.  I feel afraid.  I feel ashamed.  I want so much, probably too much.  Everything has fallen apart and I don’t know how to get it together again.  I know God needs to be an essential part of that, but I don’t feel like I know how to reach Him anymore.  I’m not sure He wants to be there.  I know He loves me, but He must be awfully disappointed.  Intellectually I know that there is forgiveness and the He’ll accept me back, but emotionally I feel like I have to do something to earn it.  I don’t know how to reconcile the two.  One step would be to go back to church, but again, I am afraid.  I have trouble with groups.  I never feel like I do or can fit in.  There are two churches I might go to – Church of the Savior (COTS) in Ambridge, PA and Seeds of Hope (Seeds) in Pittsburgh, PA.  I don’t feel comfortable at either of them.  COTS would be harder to go to since it is in the morning.  I don’t do mornings very well.  Knitting Mama and her son go there along with her niece, who was recently baptized there.  Seeds is more casual and has a greater sense of community, IMHO.  There are more people my age who are willing to talk to me, something I’ve never found at COTS.  However, I feel like an outsider.  I feel like I have black marks against me there.  Terry, for one.  Another would be that kids intimidate me and I don’t know how to deal with them.  Kids and youth are the main focus of a lot of Seeds ministries.  There’s also the fact that a lot of them, including all the ones I was close to, are paired up and many have kids.  Multiple kids, in some cases.  I don’t have a problem with kids; they just scare me.  I feel awkward around them and am not sure how to relate to them.  Those are some of the reasons why I don’t want them.   I guess I almost feel like I don’t belong because of that.  Also, I’m afraid the people at Seeds are angry at me for disappearing.  There are other reasons why I don’t exactly feel right going.  I don’t feel like I have the money to give.  I know I should trust Him and let go, but if there’s one thing that scares me most, it’s running out of money.  I also cannot be involved during the week.  Most church activities are in the evenings on weekdays.  I can’t do that.  I work in the evenings on 4 weekdays and recently for part of the 5th as well.  I know I need to breach my comfort zone and just go.

Of course, the things going on at work don’t help.  I really feel like I’m back in 5th grade when all the popular kids decided to hate me and the rest of them either joined in or avoided me to avoid their ire.  I feel like that’s what is going on at work.  People don’t talk to me, especially the people on my shift.  Some of the have been rude or passive aggressive and make me uncomfortable.  Someone, I don’t know who, but someone decided that they didn’t like the fact that I didn’t take my break with them and complained to my supervisor so now I have to.  It’s not like they want me around and I’m not hurting them.  My supervisor knew I did it and said nothing, so why should it bother them?  But no, someone wants to make me miserable.  And it is just me.  The other people who take their breaks late still do, as do the people who take their breaks early.  I just wanted some peace, some time away from them and it was taken away from me.  There is one person who will talk to me, who isn’t upset and doesn’t hate me for typing harder than the average person, but I only sit with her on Thursdays.  Thank the Lord I can just put on my headphones and listen to whatever is on my iPod.   It has gotten easier.  Some people have broken the wall of silence and asked little things about my wrists when I was wearing my braces and one was asking about overtime.  I talk to security on the way up to my car and Thursday night I talked with a pharmacist who was riding up with me.

I know it’s my fault.  I’m awkward.  I’m uneasy around people.  I’m used to being left out or pushed out.  I almost expect it.  I’m not outgoing.  I’m not pushy.  I don’t speak up.   I don’t grab the spotlight or insert myself into conversations. Unless I truly feel what I have to say is vital, if the opening for my snippet passes I don’t bring it up.  I’m quiet.  I think.  I’ve been told I come off as a snob.  I’m not.  A lot of times I’m scared.  I’m not comfortable around loud groups of people.  The better I think the people around me are, the less comfortable I am.  I’m too serious and too literal.  People don’t talk to me and they don’t start conversations unless they want something most of the time.  This includes my mother.  I don’t talk about me unless someone asks most of the time.  People don’t care about me and don’t want to hear about me.  This is where I talk about me the most.  I keep so much inside.

I want what I see my friends have, but I no longer think it could happen to me.  I’m not sure I can ever be a strong Christian.  I’m not sure I’ll ever belong. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone supportive who won’t take more than he gives.  I give too much.  I’m not sure there is someone who is willing to accept me and not take advantage of it.  I don’t know that I’ll ever take that chance again.  I’m sick of starting over.  I’m tired and overwhelmed and I will stay that way for at least the rest of the year. I see no other choice.

God has promised to take care of us. He knows us all. He counts every hair on our head and knew us before we formed in the womb. He takes care of the sparrows and tells us we are more important than the sparrows. He tells us not to worry what we are to eat or what we are to wear – he clothes the grass of the fields spledidly and feeds the birds of the air. How much more will he take care of us. If we have faith in him he will provide. My trouble has been having faith. He has not let me down. Every month there has been enough. I just get so scared that this time there won’t be.

I’ve been feeling like I’m not a part of this world, but I’m not a part of the world of the believers. Part of this as to do with the fact that I haven’t been to church in about a year. I went tonight and I feel like I’m connecting with them again. I don’t feel so alone. I had a great time talking with Amanda. I trust her. She is definitely one of God’s chosen. She has that glow.

One of the things that really got to me tonight was that God is trying to protect me and will, if I let him. I’ve been listening to the cries of the worries and not to the reassurances of my God. I got a picture, as I often do, of me being surrounded by a forcefield of God’s protection and the worries standing outside of it shouting. They couldn’t touch it without being destroyed; all they could do was yell and scream. They were very loud, but I knew that God was there whispering His reassurances and love and all I had to do was to focus on Him. Tonight I could. I don’t think it will be easy. I’m trying to figure out things that I can do to listen better. I *need* to listen. I need to hear my Father’s love for me. It’s the only thing that can get me through this dark time. Now that I know He’s there and I have that picture to hold on to, I think I can. But I’ll be going in baby steps. One baby step at a time. I think God will honor that.

You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, “Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???” And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.

1. Name: I’d bet you’d like to know that…j/k. It’s Krissy P.

2. Age: 28

3. Location: Southwestern Pennsylvania. My hometown is Economy Borough, PA.

4. Occupation: Operations Analyst VI or IV. I don’t remember anymore. But that will be changing as they’ve redone the global base pay structure and changed all the titles that we now have. But that doesn’t really tell you what I do. I check checks for check fraud. Its a preemptive thing and I don’t look at all the checks we get in a day, but I do look at a lot of them. I can also do EFT claims (such as you go to the ATM and it doesn’t give you any money, etc.) and wires.

5. Partner: Hmm…that would be Tom. He’s going back into truck driving (he’s at orientation now – two days down, two days to go) and hopefully will get hired. He’s going for his dream and I’m so proud of him, although I miss him terribly. We’ve been dating since mid-May and boy, has it been a wild ride. But a good one, so far.

6. Kids: Um, does Kit Kit count? He’s my twenty pound cat. Tom’s allergic to cats. I told you it was wild.

7. Brothers/Sisters: One, Debbie – pilot, bride-to-be, and all around wonderful gal. We’re not very close.

8. Pets: Hmm…I guess that’s where Kit would come in. See above.

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
. . . in no particular order. . .
1. I just had my gall bladder out on Monday. Its my first major surgery. Hopefully it will be my last. I hurt.

2. I’m dating again. Haven’t done that since Terry. Terry hurt me in a lot of ways and Tom’s been helping me to get through that. Just as I’ve been helping him get through things that people in his past have done to him.

3. I’m working my way out of debt. I’ve got this big plan and I should be out of debt in the next few years. The sooner, the better.

4. I don’t like my job. Its a good job, but I’m not doing an overly terrific job at it (probably because I’ve been in so much pain!). I would like to get out, but don’t see any way to do it at this point. I’d be much happier back doing data entry or call agenting – but those jobs are gone now and I guess I have to grow up.

5. I like being Christian. God has finally brought a Christian man into my life and I love it. Do relationships get any better than that?

10. What did you go to school for? English. I started out with meteorology but couldn’t get the physics and the calculus to work together. I loved being an English major. I just wish I hadn’t gotten sick before getting the degree. I’m going to go back to school, I just don’t know what for.

11. Parents: Barbara and Stephen (and Kathy): Mom and Dad have been divorced for many, many years and Dad and Kathy have been together for many years. I live with Mom right now, so I see a lot of her, but Dad and Kathy are very busy people and don’t seem to have as much time for me.

12. Who are some of your closest friends? Tom would jump to the top here. Then you have to throw in Barbi and Techie. My Mom and I are pretty good friends, too.

5/19 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/20 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/21 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep. (Nope, no therapy appointment this week.)

5/22 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/23 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/24 – Sleep in.  Relax.

5/25 – Go to church, hopefully.  Laundry. Clean.

I will be doing various activities such as talking on the phone to my friend, finding three positive things for each day (therapy homework), spending time on the internet, etc. 

I don’t like my job – its too ambiguous and I’m constantly interrupted and shifted from task to task.  I have to do mail next week.  And I have to learn to do mail this week.  More interruptions.  Nobody really talks to me.  I sit at my desk all day and basically have little to no communication with anyone, including my “partner” and my supervisor.  I get horrible stomach aches.  Horrible.  Every. Stinking. Day.  I get pains in the middle of my right side right under my right breast.  Every. Stinking. Day.  I have huge bills to pay for and I’ve had to restructure my payments several times.  Something always seems to come up to change them.  But if I can just get Mom through the next three or four months….  My sister wants to be closer to me, but never calls me.  I’m always calling her.  I can’t get a hold of my father for weeks at a time.  He has no idea I have horrible stomach aches and have missed work due to them.  That happened over two weeks ago.  I have nothing to look forward to – at least nothing that seems reachable.  I’ll have my credit card bills paid off in 2010.  It’ll take me the next year or so to pay Mom back.  So by the middle of 2011 I should actually have some money to do something with.  Woopie.  That might as well be forever and a day away.  I’ve basically left one group of friends because of my ex-fiance and his new girl.  Not that I’m missing much – they all live on the other side of Pittsburgh and are very close.  Not one of them has called me.  I guess when I said I wasn’t coming to Tuesday nights for awhile in January, they all gave up on me.  *sigh*  That’s probably my negativity speaking again.  So I have no one to do things with. (And I have tried.  Barbi just got sick, I think.  Heck, I don’t even know for sure.)  I have new clothes to wear, but no one will notice.  No one ever notices me.  (More negativity?)  Not to mention that my pants are getting increasingly harder to fit into.  *sigh*

Let’s see, what can I look forward to?  Good weather?  Nah, its supposed to rain and thunderstorm all week.  A Pirates game?  Nah, expensive and I can’t get anyone to go with me.  Not to mention the problem of getting back in town for a seven oh five game when I don’t reach the park and ride till six.  I have some jewelry coming.  That will be nice – a new sparkley.  I have the trip down to see the place where my sister is getting married in June.  Let’s not go there.  Right now I’m not even sure I’m well enough to go to the wedding, let alone be in it!  And I don’t know if I can get the day off of work.  I don’t know how on earth I’m going to fit in a doctor’s appointment in the daytime in the next three months – most days already have three people off on them!  Not to mention that it could be months before I get in to see the GI doc.  And he’ll probably send me for tests then find out nothing is wrong with me and once again I’ll be labeled as a hypochondriac, stuck with horrible stomach aches, and feel like crap.  (Notice the negativity.  But I’ve seen this happen before. To me.  Breathing problems and pains in my chest and arm.)  I want something to break free of this ever increasing, mostly self defeating cycle but I can’t find it.  I just want it all to stop.  And I could.  I’ll be the first to tell you that I have a way out.  I’ve got the meds to do.  Sometimes I even have the desire.  But I won’t go through with it.  Why? Because God said no to suicide.  For some reason (and that there is a reason is all that keeps me going some days) He wants me to live in this mess I call a life.  I’m very sad.  I’m very depressed.  I’m very scared.  And the best part?  I can’t tell anybody.  Nobody ever understands.  Heck, I’m not sure I even understand sometimes.  I’ve backslid a whole lot since breaking up with my ex-fiance.  I’m a mess, a wreck, and someone no one should have to deal with.  So I don’t force myself on anyone.  But I’m so lonely.  Its a devastating circle with no way out.  I’m getting deeper and deeper in and I have to find a way out.  I guess I’ll read the book the therapist gave me to read and pray some more.  I don’t know what else to do.

5/12 – Monday morning.  Work.  If I’m lucky, it won’t be raining when I’m trying to walk to the building.  We’ll probably go grocery shopping after work.  We didn’t go today.

5/13 – Tuesday.  I could call and see if I’m still welcome at the Tuesday night group, but I probably won’t get the courage to do so.  That means NCIS with mom.  Maybe do some cleaning.  *shrug*

5/14 – Wednesday.  Work, again.  Tonight I have therapy.  That should be interesting.  I still don’t have my homework done.  I don’t know when I will get it done.  Probably five minutes before I go in.  Yeah, procrastination combined with no clue as to what answers to provide.

5/15 – Thursday.  PAYDAY!  Nothing to do tonight.  I’m supposed to call my PCP and give her an update on how I’m doing, stomach-wise.  She works late tonight, so even if I forget to call while I’m at work, I’ll have the chance to do it once I get home.

5/16 – FRIDAY!  Last day of work for the week.  Again, nothing exciting.  Story of my life.

5/17 – Saturday.  I get to sleep in!  Probably more cleaning – Mom and I would like to get the house all nice and pretty.  She’s got some work to do in her room and that’s more her stuff, but I do have some stuff in the dining room to clean up.  And I can sweep and vacuum.  Put my books away.  General stuff like that.

5/18 – Sunday.  Yet another attempt to go to church.  I’m kinda scared to go, which isn’t making exactly motivated to go.  Laundry.  Sundays are laundry days.  If we’re lucky we’ll go grocery shopping so we won’t have to do it Monday night.

Weekly expected weather – Rain.  Cooler temps. High sixties as highs, forties as lows.  Chance for thunderstorms on Wednesdays.  That might be cool.  Monday’s high is only 49, but by Wednesday we should be hitting 70.  It gets colder from then on out.  And did I mention the rain?

We’ll see a week from now how the week went.