Someone on Facebook made a comment about friendship and it’s got me thinking about the subject.  What makes a friend?

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My self esteem isn’t always the best. It never has been. There have been times in the past when it has been better than others, but you know what? Right now isn’t one of them. Last week’s counseling session really torpedoed it. I feel like I’m fighting against everyone. Well, almost everyone. I wasn’t feeling very strong due to illness. Nausea is hard to deal with and I had been going through it on both Wednesday and Thursday. Being told that I was too rough…just hurt. I don’t know how I was too rough. He forced the issue. I told him things that were troubling me. I’d been telling him things that bothered me. He didn’t listen. He didn’t remember. He doesn’t. We argued basically every time we were on the phone and every time he was at home. I’d tell him specific things he could do, and he didn’t do them. *sigh* Then to have her tell me that she didn’t think that “the fat lady had sung” on our relationship. What about it makes it salvageable? Just because he’s a nice guy and didn’t physically abuse me doesn’t mean that I need to be with him. I’m completely drained. Physically, emotionally, and financially. I need someone I can depend on. I want someone to be strong for me. I don’t want someone who deals with something that he knows bothers me by avoiding it and ignoring it. Anyways, the result of that Friday is that I have been feeling like a horrible person. Like someone who is mean and cruel. I like to think I’m a good person, or at least an okay person, but that. That doesn’t.
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Do you ever have those moments when you just don’t know what to do?  I’m tired and I’m starting to get overwhelmed.  I have a lot of decisions to make.  I’m trying to re-connect with people.  I am, but I’m intimidated in some ways and feel too pushy in others.  Two weeks ago I saw The Steel City Knitter and Knitting Mama.  Last weekend I made plans to see my favorite French teach, but they fell through.  This weekend I did get to see the Mademoiselle and offered to go see Knitting Mama, though she wasn’t up to it.  I was supposed to go to F-Cubed.  I didn’t.  I was planning to work, but didn’t.  I was way too tired and overwhelmed.  I guess you could say that’s why I didn’t go to F-Cubed.  I almost didn’t go to see the Mademoiselle.  Frankly, it’s intimidating.   These are all good friends of mine and people I trust, so I’m sure you’re wondering why I would feel intimidated.

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Well, I worked today. And I went to church. And I had steak. And we went to Rita’s for frozen ice. And Tom diagnosed me as having a fever. I’m going to bed. I’m sorry I don’t have more today. Tomorrow I work and we’re going to Johnstown to see the baby as long as our freinds are up for it.

I have always believed in God and Jesus. I have always believed that He loves me and cares for me. Recently, that belief has been stretched and even broken. I know He came to save us and that he redeemed us. I’ve just been going through a time when I haven’t been able to trust Him.
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Deep down. People always are wondering what they are like deep down. So much can be seen on the surface but who trusts the surface of anything? Surfaces can be painted and glossed over and made pretty for everyone to see. It’s what is below that matters. There are people who are all surface. These people make poor friends. Well, maybe not poor friends, but certainly not true friends. They are not friends who will stick with you through thick and thin. They are not people who will be there when the going gets tough. I’m not a big fan of surface people. Luckily, I don’t know that many. Most surface people get sick of me right away. I’ve always been one to look closely at people and things. I see too much, as one friend told me. I know I look to hard and ask too much. I always have. It’s hard for me to trust people. As I told you in my 101 Things About Me I always feel like I’m pestering people or bothering them when I go to talk to them. There are times, and those times can be quite often, when I have extremely low self esteem. I don’t see why anyone would bother with me. I know I’m nothing special, nothing worth people taking time and energy away from their activities for. So I tend to leave people alone. I don’t call anyone other than my parents and Tom. Tom, for some odd reason, likes to talk to me. I don’t always understand why. I’m so bogged down in money problems that I can’t see straight. I would like to believe that I’m worthwhile, etc. but I just feel like a drain on society. I don’t contribute much; I just take. Or at least that’s all I can see right now. I just want to get in bed and hide under the covers. It makes going to church difficult.

Tom wasn’t going to get any freight this weekend so he came home. Yippee! I went straight (okay, almost straight. I stopped to eat) from work to pick him up in Columbus. We didn’t get home till after 2 am, though we did stop to share a scallop dinner (yum!). He stayed up all night cleaning the apartment – the yucky stuff I didn’t want to do like the refrigerator, toilet, bathtub, carpets (kitty puke yay – not!), and the ucky chicken pans I didn’t do on Thursday. He also took all of the trash out. And cleaned the rest of the bathroom as well. Does a guy get much better than that? He came to bed at that point (he did all of that while I was sleeping – I told you he was awesome!) and we slept for most of the morning. He’s now dealing with the gas shut off notice we got from Equitable last night. Since we’re not responsible for paying the gas bill according to the lease, I didn’t think we should have gotten the notice. We’re also going to go to Seeds of Hope tonight (especially since Ian and Megan will be there – yay!), though he does need to get some more sleep before doing that. I also need to get a copy of his SS card and driver’s license so we can send away for his DAC report (commercial driving report) to see how long we have to wait until we can find him another job. I’m hopeful; he’s not. I think the plan is to see our mothers tomorrow and he’ll be heading back on a bus on Monday. That will be sad, but its been wonderful having him home! His next scheduled home time isn’t till June or July so it’s nice to get the chance to see him. Needless to say, I did not go in for OT today. Yay! I really didn’t want to go. LOL. I hope you guys are having as great of a time as we are.

Stolen from nancypaynter who stole it from someone else. I don’t know who that someone else is, but here are my answers.

You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, “Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???” And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.

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Good evening everyone.  Its once again time for me to inform you of the wonderful plans I have for the week.  Don’t worry, this won’t take long.

5/19 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/20 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/21 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep. (Nope, no therapy appointment this week.)

5/22 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/23 – Go to work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Go to sleep.

5/24 – Sleep in.  Relax.

5/25 – Go to church, hopefully.  Laundry. Clean.

I will be doing various activities such as talking on the phone to my friend, finding three positive things for each day (therapy homework), spending time on the internet, etc. 

My view of the world is a very negative one.

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