Yeah. I know. I posted about that. I think I’m in the wedding, but I’m not positive. I asked her to let me know, but have gotten no response to that email. *sigh* Since I’m going to be in it I have to look good, right? The only problem is that I don’t. I know I can’t outshine my sister (and that would be very hard to do so I won’t even try), but I would like to look good in my own right. Bridesmaid dresses aren’t very forgiving. My face is slowing getting worse (I haven’t been taking care of it like I should) and I weigh way too much. And I don’t want to hear a lot of people saying that I look fine and that its all in my head. I have approximately 30 to 40 lbs to lose. Can you tell by looking at me straight on? Not really. Sideways? Oh yes. My stomach sticks out farther than my boobs. That’s called being overweight. Heck, with the tight restrictions they now have on weight and height, I might even qualify as obese. I’m up to a size 16 pant (okay, so its a little loose - I have to wear a belt, but you try finding pants that come between a 14 and a 16. I dare you) and an extra large aka 1X top. I’ve picked good tops - its hard to tell when I’m in them that I’m overweight. I know the deal - eat right, exercise, etc. I am getting more exercise than I was when I was working at Coventry. Unfortunately I’ve just gained weight. I’m not good at eating right. Its linked to the depression thing. I get the urge to eat, sometimes when I’m not even hungry. And I get very hungry. I’ve been trying to cut back on food intake, at least, but its hard. I’m still hungry. I eat breakfast between 8 and 8:15. I’m hungry by 10:30. I eat lunch between 1 and 1:30. I’m hungry by five. And I’m not talking about a little hunger either. I’m talking about huge hunger - sometimes so much so that I get short tempered and have trouble concentrating. I’m hungry now, but I’ve already gotten ready for bed tonight so no more food for me. The only way I’ve ever lost weight was to stop eating food at work. I did that for Lent one year. I fasted while I was at work. I don’t know if I should do that again this year. But not eating is not the proper way to lose weight. I know that. Yet I’m so exhausted when I get home from work and so dang hungry that I don’t have what it takes to make meals. I don’t even have an recipies. I suppose I should buck up and just do it. I suppose that I should look forward to the point in time when I do lose weight and do feel better about myself. And I should find the time to exercise. I could do it. If I had the energy. The answers seem so simple, but the task are monumental. I don’t know if I can do it. Maybe I’ll fast while I’m at work for Lent again and try to pick up with healthy eating habits at work and at home. *sigh* I’m so tired of it all. Its lines of thinking like this that make me not want to go on. Okay, so what’s the plan - Wednesday starts Lent, right? I’ll eat breakfast, either at home or at work. But not both. I’ll drink water instead of eating morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. I’ll come home and make one of our dinners and maybe both Mom and I will eat something better than what we have been. No more cookies. No more pie. No more cake. No more milkshakes. No more of any of the stuff that makes me feel better. Tell me again, what’s the point of living if you’re miserable? Cause I’m going to spend probably the next two to three years being miserable. Then again, does it really matter anyways?

So mom and I are counting carbs. Reason? She’s been recently diagnosed with diabetes and we’re trying to regulate it with diet and exercise. Why am I doing it? Because I’m a good daughter. The schedule we are using is for a 1800 calorie day, which is on the lose weight end of the scale. I swear its going to kill me. I’m starving. We just had dinner and half a bag was about 50 carbs so I could technically have something with 10 carbs and not be over the limit - but that would be a chocolate chip cookie and we’re out of them. Mom at the last one a couple of days ago. I’m switching from fruit juice to flavored waters (with Splenda, which means they have no carbs). I’d go water but I can’t stand the stuff. I hate the taste and I hate the way its easily changed to a metallic or chemical taste. I may be investing in a Sam’s Club membership so I can buy it in bulk - its cheaper that way. Unless I can get around to see my father more often and use his membership. But I don’t see that happening. So, no more fruit juice. Well, unless I want to use my carb choices on those and then I get less to eat. So, no more fruit juice. I’m going to have to learn to like diet coke - again, no carbs in the diet but carbs in the regular. *sigh* I’m not a fan of the taste of diet anything. Although I can handle Sierra Mist Free. I wonder if I could drink that. Not that they have it in any restaurants, but I could at least have it at home. Who knows. Maybe I’ll become aclimated to the diet stuff and not miss the real stuff. Yeah, right. I guess anything is possible, though. I just figured out that my milk that I use for my fiber shakes doesn’t count as carbs because you subtract dietary fiber from carbs when you’re counting them - which means they are actually negative carbs, if that’s possible. But that at least is something good. Hmm…I’m hungry. Since protein and fats don’t count when you’re carb counting, I could have something like eggs. Or maybe a hot dog. I think a hot dog roll is only one carb choice so I could have that. I’ll have to take that into consideration. Or I can just suffer. Or have some of that juice. Or since its getting later anyways, have my milk and pills and start prepping for bed. Maybe in a little bit - I’m chatting with howetoknit now. But yes, I know carb count. Fun, isn’t it?