I know I haven’t been around. I’ve been feeling quite ill for last quarter last year and all this year so far.  It may be the medication that I raised just before I started feeling ill, so I’m stepping back down.  I really hope this does it. My doctor said she had another patient who had similar reaction to the same medication.  It’s not going to be easy – it’s my depression medication.  Not only may my depression increase, but I’ll be paranoid about it and may even withdraw even more, if that’s possible.  You have no idea how afraid I am of being condemned and/or hated.

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!

I don’t know what to do anymore.  There are moments when I hate my life, but most of the time I just get no pleasure from it.  I know we’re not put on this earth to have fun, but sometimes I wish I could have more of it.  I’m plodding through life.  I go to work and I go grocery shopping.  I get gas and take my car to the shop.  Occasionally, I see my father.  I work to pay the bills. I work OT to pay the bills.  I work to put gas in the car so I can get to work.  I come home, play Facebook games and read about other people’s lives on Livejournal and their blogs.  I request blinkies and such because they can actually make me smile.  On the weekends I spend most of my time reading which is the same as hiding from my life.  *shrug*  Why wouldn’t I want to?  The people around are either busy or don’t talk to me.  Goodness, if I didn’t have work related questions I could the entire day from the moment I leave the house until the minute I wake up the next morning and go downstairs without talking to anyone.  And I’m not exaggerating.  I talk more on weekends to my Mom, which is good.  That wasn’t the case in the last week, but I’m not sure in that case it was worth it.  I ended up more aggravated, but that was due to the person I was talking to.  And even then it was only after work.  I guess I’m too picky.

Despite getting slammed (for me) with offers this month, romance is not something I’m looking for nor is it something I even expect anymore.  Going to weddings, no matter how much I love or like the people involved is awesome, but always a little bit hard.  Jim is one of my favorite people – he always has been ever since The Beave.  I truly regret not getting to see him recently – it’s been way too long.  Stephany is awesome and I’m thrilled that they’re together and happy.   The wedding was beautiful. Stephany was beautiful.  It was great to see Jim doing one of those dances (thanks for that Stephany!).  But still – Jim was my last single RL friend.  Oh, I know the Knitting Mama doesn’t have someone right now, but that’s not exactly what I meant.  *shrug*  She’ll find someone.  She’s a wonderful woman and a wonderful mom.  I don’t think I know anyone who cares more or loves more.  It will be a struggle, I’m sure, but it will happen in the end.  I highly doubt it’s going to happen to me.

I’m not normal.  Leaving aside the whole depression complication, I’m just weird.  I love to read sci fi and fantasy.  I love Star Trek: TNG and NCIS.  I hate the majority of the reality TV shows.  I love Steeler football but have no desire to go to a game.  I love Pirates baseball and love going to the games.  I’m very literal – too literal according to my mother.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m not comfortable in large groups.  Okay, certain types  of large groups.  Baseball games yes, parties no.  I find word usage funny and a lot of times people don’t get it.  It tends to lose something when you have to explain it.  I have a schedule that most people don’t follow.  I like weather disaster movies that most people think are cheesy (Twister, Volcano, Dante’s Peak, etc.).  I like spice scented and apple scented candles.  It doesn’t help that I’m overweight and not all that pretty.  I watch “Say Yes to the Dress”, “4 Weddings”, read romance novels, watch my married and dating friends’ lives on Facebook and in journals and I wish.  I do wish.  But I don’t see it happening.  Not only do I have all the things listed above, but I’m not used to romantic situations and I’m scared.  The last two I thought were serious.  I ended up with nothing at the end of both.  In fact, I had to end the last one even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  Now I don’t really talk to him because I know he has a tendency to hold on.  The one before – well, I heard he moved out of state.  Despite that, I thought I saw him the other day and I was almost terrified.  Not to mention that dating is too expensive.  Don’t try to tell me it isn’t.  I wouldn’t have to do OT if it wasn’t.

So I will go back to my unsatisfying life and hope that some day I will find people that I fit in with and who want me around and have the time and inclination to do things with me but doubting that I ever will.  I’m in the next thing to complete isolation here and it seems no matter how much I try it doesn’t change.  I’m not about to become someone who badgers people to get them to make and carry through with plans with me.  I’m not going to beg.  Fear will keep me from large groups.  Nothing will change because I don’t know how to change it and I will go on being not happy but not suicidal.  Just hoping that life won’t go on too long because, as my mother likes to tell me, I have no one to take care of me when I’m old.

I’m trying to figure out what to do with my graphics.  I’m thinking of trying to use wordpress to do it simply because I think it would be easier to update.  I’m also not sure what I would use as a theme.  I’ll have to see what I have and what I can find.  I also have a couple of posts that I’m debating on doing.  I’m also trying to work on my wish list and I know I have to update 101 things about me.  Work, work, work.  I also want to vacuum and grocery shop.  Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep well, I have cramps, and I feel like crap.  The Vicodin is looking good.  I’m also feeling over-heated.  I don’t really know what to do next.  *shrug*

I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I haven’t been on as much recently.  I haven’t been on Plurk, Twitter (through Brizzly), or Facebook.  Well, I’ve been on Facebook mostly playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, Castle Age, and Mouse Hunt.  I haven’t been posting through Ping.fm or commenting much or even chatting on Trillian Astra.  I haven’t been reading blogs (though if you post of LiveJournal on my friends page I do read that) or posting on my own.  So what happened?  No, I didn’t just lose interest in the people I care about.  I went on a downward spiral and it was not fun.

Read the rest of this entry »

I have been struggling all year to work on Blog 365 and for the past two or so weeks I’ve been doing a really good job. I decided last night to take a nap before posting. This is not a bad thing. I was very tired and I had just gotten off the phone with Tom. What could a short nap hurt? A lot, as it turns out. Imagine my anger and dismay as I wake up at 6 in the morning and realize that I never posted last night. *sigh* I feel like kicking myself. I was doing so well! Now, once again, I’m in the position of starting over. This is getting very frustrating. Very frustrating. I can’t even blog right. *sigh*

Good morning everyone, it’s time for another shout out! This morning it is one of my good friends from the dolling world, Yvie! Yvie was a blogger in the past, but just yesterday she started her new blogging site Serendipulous. Stop on over and say hi! She’s a really sweet lady who lives in Hawaii (lucky, ain’t she?) with her family. She was one of the founders (if not *the* founder) of Tickled Pink which used to be one of my favorite dolling forums. Sadly, it no longer exists. Then again, I no longer doll so I guess its not as bad as I think. LOL! Yvie loves all things pink and all things Twilight. Stop on by and say hi!

I was going over an old LJ today and found this.  Note that it is from 2004 so all of the prices have only gone up!

A Gallon is a Gallon!

To keep things in perspective, even though it still hurts. For those who have forgotten their measurements and prices:

1 cup = 8 ounces
2 cups = 1 pint = 16 ounces
2 pints = 1 quart = 32 ounces
4 quarts = 1 gallon = 128 ounces

You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?

It makes one think and puts things in perspective.
Check out these prices:

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ….. $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ….. $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ….. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ….. $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ….. $33.60 per gallon
Vicks Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ….. $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ….. $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ….. $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ….. $84.48 per gallon

This is the REAL KICKER:
Evian Water 9 oz $1.49 ….. $21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER! And the buyers don’t even know the source.

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, Whiteout, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL.

Hi everyone!  I’m here to welcome my newest reader, Barbara of Barbara’s 365.  Barbara found me as a link in the comments of one of her friends.  She is a good photographer and participating in Project 365.   Check out her blog to discover her friends, family, and quirky things going on in her photo stories.

Are you a new reader to Aribitrary Elucidation?  Comment and let me know – you could get your own shout out!  Have a great day!