Making changes

In some ways I know why I’m the way I am, why I do the things I do but not how to change them.  Sometimes I can even tell you why I think the things I think that make me do the things I do. (Did ya follow that? Good for you!)  I know I like to plan for all contingencies (even slight ones) because I want to feel like I have control, that I have a plan, that I know what to do because if I don’t, I’ll worry about it.  I can even obsess on it.   I want the control, the plan because I don’t trust that things will work out on their own or by trusting others. And yes, that includes God.

I feel like I’m just an afterthought because history shows that I am often treated like an afterthought.  In my life people have forgotten about me, overlooked me, told me that they want to make plans but never do, blown me off, or walked right by me.  Life long problem done by many people.  I deserve it in many ways because I don’t stick up for myself, I don’t push, I try to fade into the background.  I even have figured out why I do it. People scare me.  I’m afraid of them.  I’m terrified of doing one small thing wrong and being ridiculed, judged, made fun of, scorned, and even hated.  One of the things people in the community around my church do is drop by other people’s places. I can’t do that.   Cannot.  I figured out tonight that I know that I won’t be welcome so I have to be sure I will be.  It dovetails with the fact that I don’t want to be a burden or bother to people or interrupt their lives.  They just might decide that I’m not worth it because I’m too much of a bother, burden or interruption.  I also think it’s rude to just show up places – you’re not taking into account other people’s thoughts and feelings. I’ve had mine trampled on so often that I try to always consider those of others.

I’m also afraid of being judged and found lacking. There is someone who I believe does that in regards to me.  I try hard, but I know I’m not good enough and because I’m not good enough  I shouldn’t ask for anything because it will be a burden on people and they won’t want me around.  (Why yes, that was a run on sentence. Thank you so very much.)  Nothing I do is good enough so why should I try?  Why put yourself out there where people can stomp on you for being a disappointment or a failure.  I don’t think people realize that it’s as much fear and my health that keeps me out of church.  I’m not good enough. I’ve even been told I’m not a good enough Christian.  I have a lot of pressure on me not only from others, but also from myself.

It’s taken years for me to figure these things out.  The bad thing is that I don’t know what to do about them.  I don’t know how to change them, to fix them, to find the courage and security to overcome so much fear and insecurity.  And it doesn’t help to know that I don’t matter much.  Nor does it help to know that I’m not enough.  I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, charismatic enough, trustworthy enough, around enough, kind enough, understanding enough, strong enough, healthy enough, anything enough to be worth something.  Part of finding a solution is defining the problem and at least I’ve done at least a good portion of that.  But fixing it is a different matter, especially when you’re afraid that trying to fix it will end up with the situation being worse.  And I hate change. Change usually means things get worse for me.  Been that way for about 25 years.  Why can’t things ever be simple?


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One Response to “Making changes”

  1. Ian says:

    So… with the disclaimer that I can relate to where you’re coming from to an extent (if you read my most recent entry, you’ll see why I say that)… first of all, people in the community (if you mean the SOH community) don’t just drop by. At least, they don’t just drop by to us. On the other hand, others outside the community do just drop by, and we welcome it. Miranda comes and just walks in all the time, and our neighbors do too, in the summer. You are welcome to do the same. A text ahead of time can’t hurt, but if we are here, you are welcome to come see us… but I don’t know of just dropping by being commonplace in the Seeds circle. If it is, it must be among the SAHMs. Secondly, to at least some of us, you are neither an afterthought nor someone who is forgotten. And I’m not at all surprised that fear keeps you from church, but I do think it’s sad that you aren’t there more, and I, for one—and I’m sure there are others, would enjoy seeing you there more. And I think if you were around more, you would discover that there are more people than you realize who can relate to where you come from in life and have similar struggles and won’t judge you. I can think of several such people (and if it would help can tell you who some of them are or point you to them, or them to you), but to my knowledge, they are people who you probably haven’t connected with much, partly because there’s only so many people each of us can really connect with on one night, and it’s harder with the people who are only there sporadically. As for people who tell you you aren’t a good enough Christian, screw ‘em. Christianity is fundamentally about the fact that we are unable to be good enough. Anyone who says that is completely and totally confused about the very heart of the Christian faith. And this: “I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, charismatic enough, trustworthy enough, around enough, kind enough, understanding enough, strong enough, healthy enough, anything enough to be worth something” is completely and totally false. You are worth a ton to me because you’ve been one of my most faithful friends. And you are worth a lot to begin with because every person has value. And you were worth enough for Jesus to go to the cross for you. You are plenty funny, as trustworthy and understanding as anyone I know, stronger than most and kind. It’s not my place to comment on whether you are pretty enough, but I will tell you that Pastor Don was concerned enough on Saturday that you could be a distraction from my wife that he had words with me about it. So… all of that to say… BS to all of that. You deserve better than to be writing lies about yourself! I know from my own experience that it’s hard to know how to handle the judgment of rejection of others and not internalize it to judgment about oneself… but I don’t allow myself to say and write things about myself which are in contradiction to what scripture teaches me to be true… that I am loved and valued and chosen by God and called worthy by Him. That’s a hard and fast rule that I stick to, regardless of whether I feel like those things are true. You should try the same rule for yourself :) . You deserve better than to be telling yourself lies that tear you down and writing them as if they are facts. Hope I’m not sounding too preachy… again, you know I can relate at least to an extent… and I’m just trying to help.

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