In some ways I know why I’m the way I am, why I do the things I do but not how to change them. Sometimes I can even tell you why I think the things I think that make me do the things I do. (Did ya follow that? Good for you!) I know I like to plan for all contingencies (even slight ones) because I want to feel like I have control, that I have a plan, that I know what to do because if I don’t, I’ll worry about it. I can even obsess on it. I want the control, the plan because I don’t trust that things will work out on their own or by trusting others. And yes, that includes God.
I feel like I’m just an afterthought because history shows that I am often treated like an afterthought. In my life people have forgotten about me, overlooked me, told me that they want to make plans but never do, blown me off, or walked right by me. Life long problem done by many people. I deserve it in many ways because I don’t stick up for myself, I don’t push, I try to fade into the background. I even have figured out why I do it. People scare me. I’m afraid of them. I’m terrified of doing one small thing wrong and being ridiculed, judged, made fun of, scorned, and even hated. One of the things people in the community around my church do is drop by other people’s places. I can’t do that. Cannot. I figured out tonight that I know that I won’t be welcome so I have to be sure I will be. It dovetails with the fact that I don’t want to be a burden or bother to people or interrupt their lives. They just might decide that I’m not worth it because I’m too much of a bother, burden or interruption. I also think it’s rude to just show up places – you’re not taking into account other people’s thoughts and feelings. I’ve had mine trampled on so often that I try to always consider those of others.
I’m also afraid of being judged and found lacking. There is someone who I believe does that in regards to me. I try hard, but I know I’m not good enough and because I’m not good enough I shouldn’t ask for anything because it will be a burden on people and they won’t want me around. (Why yes, that was a run on sentence. Thank you so very much.) Nothing I do is good enough so why should I try? Why put yourself out there where people can stomp on you for being a disappointment or a failure. I don’t think people realize that it’s as much fear and my health that keeps me out of church. I’m not good enough. I’ve even been told I’m not a good enough Christian. I have a lot of pressure on me not only from others, but also from myself.
It’s taken years for me to figure these things out. The bad thing is that I don’t know what to do about them. I don’t know how to change them, to fix them, to find the courage and security to overcome so much fear and insecurity. And it doesn’t help to know that I don’t matter much. Nor does it help to know that I’m not enough. I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, charismatic enough, trustworthy enough, around enough, kind enough, understanding enough, strong enough, healthy enough, anything enough to be worth something. Part of finding a solution is defining the problem and at least I’ve done at least a good portion of that. But fixing it is a different matter, especially when you’re afraid that trying to fix it will end up with the situation being worse. And I hate change. Change usually means things get worse for me. Been that way for about 25 years. Why can’t things ever be simple?
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