There are days when I don’t really like my life. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that I don’t find it all that impressive. It usually happens around the time I see my sister. She showed up on Thanksgiving and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been cry-y all day. She noticed that I had lost weight, but freaked when she found out I was off of my low carb diet. She asked me if I was engaged yet and then proceeded to tell me that I should wait six years before getting married. I guess she really doesn’t want me to have children. I’ll be 36 by then. That’s a little old for that type of thing. Mom had us when she was 30 and 32 and was the oldest mom at the bus stop. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t want kids. Not that I know when I’ll every get proposed to. Tom is insisting on buying me a diamond even though I’ve told him that I’d be perfectly happy with an Epiphany engagement ring. Then again, I don’t know how I would afford a wedding. I have so much debt. And I never could afford one that could compare to my sister’s. I do have a gorgeous wedding gown that I love with all the trimmings (though I would have to find the shoes), but…I don’t know. She had her’s at Phipp’s Conservatory. I could never afford a place that nice. She had everything so nice. Our CA relatives (and their children from various parts of the US) flew/drove in for her wedding. Including our 92 year old grandfather. I don’t think they’d do that for mine. Debbie flies out and sees all of them all the time. She knows our cousins and our cousins children. I don’t. They would come out if Grandpa was coming because we all know our time is short with him. If he came to this coast for anything (cause most of the cousins are in MA area) they’d come for it. I don’t think he’ll be around in 6 years. Of course, it may be six years before I can afford a wedding. Tom wants a big wedding, too. I’m thinking more of sneaking off to Vegas or Fl or one of the Carolinas and getting married. Maybe on the beach. No pressure. I’d fail, but I wouldn’t fail in front of everyone else.

I feel so lonely these days. I rarely see anyone. People are too busy to see me. They have families and children and lives. I don’t think I have much in common with them anymore. We have memories, but they all are from years gone by (think high school and college). They don’t invite me places (though the Steel City Knitter did invite me for Thanksgiving). Once again I feel like I don’t belong. Tom loves me, but he’s away for most of the week and goes to bed before I get off of work every night. Mom loves me, but she’s an hour away and again, goes to bed before I get off of work. Dad and Kathy love me, but I think they are the busiest of them all. Kit Kit and Jack love me. I get kisses from them. But I’m having a rough day and I don’t feel loved right now.

All through growing up great things were expected of me. I was an honor’s student, in GATE clases and advanced science and math courses. I sang, which I don’t do anymore. I was in musicals. I performed. I took part in things. I was in advanced classes in college as well. It was expected that I would go into math or science and do great things, make money, and make people proud. I didn’t do that. I changed from meteorology to English in college and then dropped out. I started temping and fell in love with data entry. I got a good job at a bank downtown earning a lot of money and I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact. So I went back to data entry. I moved up in my data entry position and am now making more than I did at the bank job, but come on – it’s data freakin’ entry. Not complicated. Not difficult, unless you count reading handwriting as difficult. Although, it’s not. I love my job. I do it ten hours a day, four days a week. I’m fairly good at it, too. But I don’t do anything special, or complicated, or important. Debbie went to college, learned to fly, graduated early, got a job as a pilot, moved up in the ranks, married a pilot, has a house, makes money, is not in debt, and doesn’t have a huge list of failures in her portfolio. The only ones of those that I’ve done is gone to college and moved up in the ranks. Not especially impressive. And apparently I’m bossy, too. And know-it-all. Both Mom and Tom said I was. No wonder the ones who truly want me around are Tom, Mom, Jack, and Kit Kit. I don’t think I would want me around either.

I mentioned in September in this post that I had lost 13 lbs over the summer, which is great. I have continued to lose weight since then. Once I got off of my risperidal I did a search at work to find out about risperdal (something I now know I have access to). I had noticed something odd a few days after I stopped taking the med. I stopped enjoying the salads. (Okay, originally I thought it was the flu I caught. I went home sick my first week out on the floor and missed another day due to it. Luckily the only time I threw up was on the way home from work. And I manged to get out of the car before that happened.). I would take a bite of the salad and couldn’t eat. I tried changing lettuce mixtures and it was no help. I was still eating my apples and the ham from my salads but that was it. I also wasn’t as hungry. The apple and the ham and the second apple I had on my last break would last me for the rest of the night. I wasn’t eating once I got home from work either. Well, when I looked up the risperidal I discovered that it increases your appetite. You could have pushed me over with a feather when I saw that one. These days I’m eating two pieces of Italian bread with butter and an apple for dinner. (Yeah, so much for my low carb diet!) I have had some popcorn on my first break and an apple on my last break and a couple of pieces of candy and that’s about it. I went out to dinner with Mom on Friday and I could finish my steak. And it was only a 7 oz steak. I ate almost none of my fries, although I did eat a bunch of mozzarella sticks. It’s one of the few ways I’ll actually eat cheese. I had been in size 18 jeans over the summer and several weeks back when I was at Mom’s I grabbed some size 16′s and a bunch of nice blouses from my Mellon job which at that point either fit or almost fit me. About a week after that I switch to wearing the size 16′s. They got very baggy very quickly. Also the end of my belt was sticking out very far. Way too long for the first belt loop, but not quite long enough for the second. Friday I put on the size 14 jeans I had grabbed from Mom’s and they fit. Woohoo! I bought a smaller belt (went from a 42” to a 38”) and when I got back to mom’s I weighed myself. Since May (or so) I have lost a grand total of 31 lbs! That’s a not so small dog. Or three + Jack’s:

The most amazing thing is that I have done nothing except get off my meds. I have exercised exactly twice (and one of those the hot water went off during so I got to take a cold shower that night). Exercising is not one of my strong points. I have not been following my low carb diet very well at all. (I’m hoping that the weight loss with help with the triglycerides.) I have just stopped taking the meds. I also have not gained any weight since starting the Celexa, so that wasn’t the drug that was causing the problems with my weight. It’s so exciting. My face has thinned out and I can wear clothes I have worn in over a year. My face is no longer round! Getting off of the meds wasn’t easy for me or my family. Tom bore the brunt of it and he held up remarkably well. No, it was most certainly not easy. But it paid off. It was worth it.

On to update number two, my health. As I’m sure most of you know, I was going off of my meds. Remember this quote from an earlier blog post?

Warning: This may not apply to everyone. This is just what happened to me. Every person is different and due to severe reactions which may occur (which did happen to my friend Leslie) consult with a doctor before discontinuing any form of your medication. When I ran out of the clonopin before I was able to refill it I went through withdrawal. I was stupid (yes, I’ll admit it. It was very stupid.) and did not refill it right away. Once I got through the withdrawal I decided to see if I really needed the anti anxiety medication after all. I live five minutes from the pharmacy and could go there at any point to get them filled if I had an attack, so I decided to wait. And you won’t believe what I noticed – all my symptoms disappeared. All the problems I’d been having with depression and anxiety went away. To this day, I have not had a single problem with anxiety. So I compounded my stupidity and since the doctors in the hospital had decided to cut most of my meds with no slow down, so did I. Of course, I weaned myself off of the pills. I cut down what I was taking week by week until I was taking nothing. I watched carefully and not once did I have a problem that wasn’t related directly to finances. I had missed an appt with my psychiatrist but I wasn’t worried. The only pill that stopping made me really sick and unable to complete was the risperdal. So I went back on it.

Well, I saw my psychiatrist again and she agreed to let me off the risperidal. I went down to one-half of a pill, then one-quarter, then none. As I was doing this my irritation level was increasing and so was my anger. I was always irritated and often angry. My Mom’s therapist told her that anger is often a sign of depression. The day I went off the last of the risperdal, I called VBHA and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. The following Thursday I got up at the crack of dawn and went to see her. I’m currently taking 20 mg of Celexa, which is one of the mildest antidepressants and known for having the least amount of side affects. My irritation is gone. I have more normal anger now. I get easily irritated when I’m over heated, for the most part. And Melissa said that the meds would make no difference with my anger. Ha! My dry mouth is back (although that does seem to be fading somewhat) and I’m having trouble staying asleep in the morning. I do have a little bit of trouble falling asleep, but between the hours of 9 am and 11:30 am I get very poor sleep and I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t think I want to go on sleeping meds again. I’m hoping it will get better.

I will say this for those of you who are confused.  I didn’t get off of my medications simply because I no longer wanted to be on them.  It was much more complicated than that.  I was put on anti-anxiety medications when I was placed in the hospital in 2001 because I was shaking in the ER when I was admitted.  I was scared.  I think most people with a modicom of sense would have been in my position.  I was never taken off of it.  When I ran out in March and stopped taking it on my own, my breakthrough anxiety and depression simply disappeared.  Since taking me off most of my meds cold turkey in December (when I went in the hospital the second time) had little affect on me and since I had no breakthrough symptoms I decided to go off of them as well.  I didn’t want to be on what I didn’t need to be on.  I had been having breakthrough symptoms ever since I left the hospital the first time.  We kept increasing dosages and adding medications.  It always broke through.  Since, in March, I was convinced it was the anti-anxiety drugs which were causing the breakthrough symptoms, I wanted to see if I truly needed all of those meds.  Turns out, in my case, I did not.  I was always willing to go back on the medications if I needed them.  I wanted to see if I did and to see what symptoms were truly mine and what were the by-products of the medications.  It’s not for everyone.  It’s not something to do rashly.  There are many, many people in the world who need these medications and need many different medications to get through the depression.  My situation is not typical.  That’s that.

In my last post I mentioned the tooth incident. Well, one day during training I was eating my salad for lunch when I started chewing on something hard. It was a couple of pieces of stuff in my mouth. Part of it was metal attached to part of a tooth and the other chunk was pure metal. My tooth had broken in half and the root canal had fallen out. *sigh* I had a sharp edge and went to see my dentist. He said the other half had to come out and drilled down the sharp edge. A month later I went to see the oral surgeon. It was amusing. He walks in and asks me what hurts. My response? Nothing. Oh, the look on his face! He then asked me why I was there and I said I had half a tooth that needed to come out. He put me out (my decision and much easier on my TMJ), numbed me up, and Tom took me home. Tom couldn’t stay with me (idiot trucking company) so Mom came over and stayed with me the rest of the day. It was Friday the thirteenth. My cheek hurt the most. I hurt for about a week. My teeth in front of that tooth hurt some as well. But my TMJ never acted up. Woohoo!! Now to see whether Delta will cover the iv sedation. I’m not too hopeful on that score.

I’m sure the first thing y’all are wondering about is my (not-so) new job. Well, my vacation was great and I had a great birthday. Yes, I am now the big 3-0. Not so bad, IMHO. Tom was even home that week, although he didn’t get paid for it. *shakes fist at trucking company* He got me Bath and Body Works items – candles, etc. I *love* their candles. Especially Cinnamon Stick and Spice. (BTW, Spice candles are available in select stores! Yippee!)

Now, where was I? Hmm…oh yeah. The job!

I am now an order entry technician or an order completion technician, depending on who you ask and who’s doing the talking. *rolls eyes* I work 2 pm to 12:30 am EST (or EDT, depending on the time of the year). I really like. I’m more awake during work. Much more awake. I’m much more awake driving to and from work as well. I stay up to anywhere between 2 am and 4 am-ish most nights, so if you’re up late (or early, depending on your view of the world) feel free to plurk, lj, fb, tweet, im, etc. me. Training was great. Well, except for the tooth incident, but that’s another post. I started with another header tech and that was it. After two weeks of formal training, we were put out on the floor with buddies. After two weeks with the buddies, we were thrown to the wolves. Well, not really. We do have leads to ask questions to and supervisors, although there was a week when H was on vacation, RW went home sick, and that Thursday N didn’t come in either. Trying times. We did get rid of some of the stupider HE rules. We don’t have to shelf things unless we have a question and can’t find someone one. We’re allowed to return things (though we’re not allowed to cherry pick). And at the end of the work day we can return and leave. Since C (my fellow HE Tech) and I were on probation for the job but not initial probation for the company, we’re still allowed to start 5 minutes early and leave 5 minutes early, which is essential if you want a fast van trip. (Yes, I still ride the van but it’s not as much of a hassle) It strikes me as funny. When I worked 7-530, the first van was always filled up with HE techs. Very few OE techs made it into the first van, despite the fact that they are closer to the exit. Now that I’m on the late shift, OE techs get the first van (and we squish in if needed – the other van driver [if he's there at all] doesn’t leave until after 12:30, so you end up sitting in the van waiting which sucks) and I don’t see hide nor hair of the he techs. Of course, they often get VTO, so they might just not be there.

One of the things I was worried about was my speed. I know that one HE tech who tried to go to OE was sent back because she wasn’t fast enough. Well, it’s better than losing the job, it still sucks. Well, I need to have no worries. At two months after starting I’m well past the point where I would need to be as a regular employee. I’m in the seventies and they’re expected to be about 65. Now I just have to get my errors under control. I’m at 7+ thousand parts per million and I need to be between 3 and 4 thousand parts per million. My major problem is directions so I’m endeavoring to pay more attention to that aspect of the prescriptions.

I guess the most important thing is that I love it. I love it a lot more than HE and I loved HE. OE is more challenging, more complicated and a lot more fun. At least, IMHO. Now we just need to stop running out of work. We keep getting VTO, and although we’ve had enough work to enable me to work till the end of the shift, I keep getting nervous that we will run out. Another good thing – we get bonuses this week, which I should get because I did work for the company last quarter when it was earned. It is a 2.31% bonus (the highest I’ve ever seen) and it should be paid out based on my OE salary. Woohoo! Another perk? I work M-R, which means every week I have Friday off. This week I get Thanksgiving off as well. Four day weekend FTW! Although I will be working for a half hour on Thanksgiving since my shift doesn’t end until 12:30 am. Hmmm….I wonder if I get OT for working on the holiday? Somehow I doubt it. Oh well. It still rocks!

Ack! September 23! Wow, it’s been quite a long time and there is so much that I want to blog about. I’m not sure what to update you on first, but I know it will take a series of blog posts, so bear with me. I’m not excactly sure how I’m going to do this. I might type them all up tonight and schedule them to post a day at a time or a couple a day or I might just spam you. But trust me, they’re coming.