I have always believed in God and Jesus. I have always believed that He loves me and cares for me. Recently, that belief has been stretched and even broken. I know He came to save us and that he redeemed us. I’ve just been going through a time when I haven’t been able to trust Him.

As we all know, I have trouble when it comes to money. I always have but until now I’ve always been able to cover all my bills. I’ve gotten into a bad place. I love my job and wouldn’t trade it, but I took a major pay cut for it. I’ll get a small raise at the end of June and I should (I think) be getting a larger one at the end of December, but getting to there will be difficult. I’m going to try from now on to pay everything on time, which will make things easier, though I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it. I may have to borrow money from Tom. I hate to do that because it will keep him out on the road longer. However being late really raises the amounts you have to pay. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not being late because I’m careless. I’m being late because I don’t have the money at the right time. Now that we have that straightened out, let me tell you that at the moment things are very tight. We have two weeks to get rent money in and it all depends on how many miles Tom gets this week and next week.

God has promised to take care of us. He knows us all. He counts every hair on our head and knew us before we formed in the womb. He takes care of the sparrows and tells us we are more important than the sparrows. He tells us not to worry what we are to eat or what we are to wear – he clothes the grass of the fields spledidly and feeds the birds of the air. How much more will he take care of us. If we have faith in him he will provide. My trouble has been having faith. He has not let me down. Every month there has been enough. I just get so scared that this time there won’t be.

I’ve been feeling like I’m not a part of this world, but I’m not a part of the world of the believers. Part of this as to do with the fact that I haven’t been to church in about a year. I went tonight and I feel like I’m connecting with them again. I don’t feel so alone. I had a great time talking with Amanda. I trust her. She is definitely one of God’s chosen. She has that glow.

One of the things that really got to me tonight was that God is trying to protect me and will, if I let him. I’ve been listening to the cries of the worries and not to the reassurances of my God. I got a picture, as I often do, of me being surrounded by a forcefield of God’s protection and the worries standing outside of it shouting. They couldn’t touch it without being destroyed; all they could do was yell and scream. They were very loud, but I knew that God was there whispering His reassurances and love and all I had to do was to focus on Him. Tonight I could. I don’t think it will be easy. I’m trying to figure out things that I can do to listen better. I *need* to listen. I need to hear my Father’s love for me. It’s the only thing that can get me through this dark time. Now that I know He’s there and I have that picture to hold on to, I think I can. But I’ll be going in baby steps. One baby step at a time. I think God will honor that.