My view of the world is a very negative one.

I don’t like my job – its too ambiguous and I’m constantly interrupted and shifted from task to task.  I have to do mail next week.  And I have to learn to do mail this week.  More interruptions.  Nobody really talks to me.  I sit at my desk all day and basically have little to no communication with anyone, including my “partner” and my supervisor.  I get horrible stomach aches.  Horrible.  Every. Stinking. Day.  I get pains in the middle of my right side right under my right breast.  Every. Stinking. Day.  I have huge bills to pay for and I’ve had to restructure my payments several times.  Something always seems to come up to change them.  But if I can just get Mom through the next three or four months….  My sister wants to be closer to me, but never calls me.  I’m always calling her.  I can’t get a hold of my father for weeks at a time.  He has no idea I have horrible stomach aches and have missed work due to them.  That happened over two weeks ago.  I have nothing to look forward to – at least nothing that seems reachable.  I’ll have my credit card bills paid off in 2010.  It’ll take me the next year or so to pay Mom back.  So by the middle of 2011 I should actually have some money to do something with.  Woopie.  That might as well be forever and a day away.  I’ve basically left one group of friends because of my ex-fiance and his new girl.  Not that I’m missing much – they all live on the other side of Pittsburgh and are very close.  Not one of them has called me.  I guess when I said I wasn’t coming to Tuesday nights for awhile in January, they all gave up on me.  *sigh*  That’s probably my negativity speaking again.  So I have no one to do things with. (And I have tried.  Barbi just got sick, I think.  Heck, I don’t even know for sure.)  I have new clothes to wear, but no one will notice.  No one ever notices me.  (More negativity?)  Not to mention that my pants are getting increasingly harder to fit into.  *sigh*

Let’s see, what can I look forward to?  Good weather?  Nah, its supposed to rain and thunderstorm all week.  A Pirates game?  Nah, expensive and I can’t get anyone to go with me.  Not to mention the problem of getting back in town for a seven oh five game when I don’t reach the park and ride till six.  I have some jewelry coming.  That will be nice – a new sparkley.  I have the trip down to see the place where my sister is getting married in June.  Let’s not go there.  Right now I’m not even sure I’m well enough to go to the wedding, let alone be in it!  And I don’t know if I can get the day off of work.  I don’t know how on earth I’m going to fit in a doctor’s appointment in the daytime in the next three months – most days already have three people off on them!  Not to mention that it could be months before I get in to see the GI doc.  And he’ll probably send me for tests then find out nothing is wrong with me and once again I’ll be labeled as a hypochondriac, stuck with horrible stomach aches, and feel like crap.  (Notice the negativity.  But I’ve seen this happen before. To me.  Breathing problems and pains in my chest and arm.)  I want something to break free of this ever increasing, mostly self defeating cycle but I can’t find it.  I just want it all to stop.  And I could.  I’ll be the first to tell you that I have a way out.  I’ve got the meds to do.  Sometimes I even have the desire.  But I won’t go through with it.  Why? Because God said no to suicide.  For some reason (and that there is a reason is all that keeps me going some days) He wants me to live in this mess I call a life.  I’m very sad.  I’m very depressed.  I’m very scared.  And the best part?  I can’t tell anybody.  Nobody ever understands.  Heck, I’m not sure I even understand sometimes.  I’ve backslid a whole lot since breaking up with my ex-fiance.  I’m a mess, a wreck, and someone no one should have to deal with.  So I don’t force myself on anyone.  But I’m so lonely.  Its a devastating circle with no way out.  I’m getting deeper and deeper in and I have to find a way out.  I guess I’ll read the book the therapist gave me to read and pray some more.  I don’t know what else to do.