Yeah. I know. I posted about that. I think I’m in the wedding, but I’m not positive. I asked her to let me know, but have gotten no response to that email. *sigh* Since I’m going to be in it I have to look good, right? The only problem is that I don’t. I know I can’t outshine my sister (and that would be very hard to do so I won’t even try), but I would like to look good in my own right. Bridesmaid dresses aren’t very forgiving. My face is slowing getting worse (I haven’t been taking care of it like I should) and I weigh way too much. And I don’t want to hear a lot of people saying that I look fine and that its all in my head. I have approximately 30 to 40 lbs to lose. Can you tell by looking at me straight on? Not really. Sideways? Oh yes. My stomach sticks out farther than my boobs. That’s called being overweight. Heck, with the tight restrictions they now have on weight and height, I might even qualify as obese. I’m up to a size 16 pant (okay, so its a little loose – I have to wear a belt, but you try finding pants that come between a 14 and a 16. I dare you) and an extra large aka 1X top. I’ve picked good tops – its hard to tell when I’m in them that I’m overweight. I know the deal – eat right, exercise, etc. I am getting more exercise than I was when I was working at Coventry. Unfortunately I’ve just gained weight. I’m not good at eating right. Its linked to the depression thing. I get the urge to eat, sometimes when I’m not even hungry. And I get very hungry. I’ve been trying to cut back on food intake, at least, but its hard. I’m still hungry. I eat breakfast between 8 and 8:15. I’m hungry by 10:30. I eat lunch between 1 and 1:30. I’m hungry by five. And I’m not talking about a little hunger either. I’m talking about huge hunger – sometimes so much so that I get short tempered and have trouble concentrating. I’m hungry now, but I’ve already gotten ready for bed tonight so no more food for me. The only way I’ve ever lost weight was to stop eating food at work. I did that for Lent one year. I fasted while I was at work. I don’t know if I should do that again this year. But not eating is not the proper way to lose weight. I know that. Yet I’m so exhausted when I get home from work and so dang hungry that I don’t have what it takes to make meals. I don’t even have an recipies. I suppose I should buck up and just do it. I suppose that I should look forward to the point in time when I do lose weight and do feel better about myself. And I should find the time to exercise. I could do it. If I had the energy. The answers seem so simple, but the task are monumental. I don’t know if I can do it. Maybe I’ll fast while I’m at work for Lent again and try to pick up with healthy eating habits at work and at home. *sigh* I’m so tired of it all. Its lines of thinking like this that make me not want to go on. Okay, so what’s the plan – Wednesday starts Lent, right? I’ll eat breakfast, either at home or at work. But not both. I’ll drink water instead of eating morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. I’ll come home and make one of our dinners and maybe both Mom and I will eat something better than what we have been. No more cookies. No more pie. No more cake. No more milkshakes. No more of any of the stuff that makes me feel better. Tell me again, what’s the point of living if you’re miserable? Cause I’m going to spend probably the next two to three years being miserable. Then again, does it really matter anyways?