Yeah. I know. I posted about that. I think I’m in the wedding, but I’m not positive. I asked her to let me know, but have gotten no response to that email. *sigh* Since I’m going to be in it I have to look good, right? The only problem is that I don’t. I know I can’t outshine my sister (and that would be very hard to do so I won’t even try), but I would like to look good in my own right. Bridesmaid dresses aren’t very forgiving. My face is slowing getting worse (I haven’t been taking care of it like I should) and I weigh way too much. And I don’t want to hear a lot of people saying that I look fine and that its all in my head. I have approximately 30 to 40 lbs to lose. Can you tell by looking at me straight on? Not really. Sideways? Oh yes. My stomach sticks out farther than my boobs. That’s called being overweight. Heck, with the tight restrictions they now have on weight and height, I might even qualify as obese. I’m up to a size 16 pant (okay, so its a little loose - I have to wear a belt, but you try finding pants that come between a 14 and a 16. I dare you) and an extra large aka 1X top. I’ve picked good tops - its hard to tell when I’m in them that I’m overweight. I know the deal - eat right, exercise, etc. I am getting more exercise than I was when I was working at Coventry. Unfortunately I’ve just gained weight. I’m not good at eating right. Its linked to the depression thing. I get the urge to eat, sometimes when I’m not even hungry. And I get very hungry. I’ve been trying to cut back on food intake, at least, but its hard. I’m still hungry. I eat breakfast between 8 and 8:15. I’m hungry by 10:30. I eat lunch between 1 and 1:30. I’m hungry by five. And I’m not talking about a little hunger either. I’m talking about huge hunger - sometimes so much so that I get short tempered and have trouble concentrating. I’m hungry now, but I’ve already gotten ready for bed tonight so no more food for me. The only way I’ve ever lost weight was to stop eating food at work. I did that for Lent one year. I fasted while I was at work. I don’t know if I should do that again this year. But not eating is not the proper way to lose weight. I know that. Yet I’m so exhausted when I get home from work and so dang hungry that I don’t have what it takes to make meals. I don’t even have an recipies. I suppose I should buck up and just do it. I suppose that I should look forward to the point in time when I do lose weight and do feel better about myself. And I should find the time to exercise. I could do it. If I had the energy. The answers seem so simple, but the task are monumental. I don’t know if I can do it. Maybe I’ll fast while I’m at work for Lent again and try to pick up with healthy eating habits at work and at home. *sigh* I’m so tired of it all. Its lines of thinking like this that make me not want to go on. Okay, so what’s the plan - Wednesday starts Lent, right? I’ll eat breakfast, either at home or at work. But not both. I’ll drink water instead of eating morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. I’ll come home and make one of our dinners and maybe both Mom and I will eat something better than what we have been. No more cookies. No more pie. No more cake. No more milkshakes. No more of any of the stuff that makes me feel better. Tell me again, what’s the point of living if you’re miserable? Cause I’m going to spend probably the next two to three years being miserable. Then again, does it really matter anyways?

Its been over ten days since I posted. That’s a long time. What have I been up to? Well, the truth is not much. I get up at 5/530 every day and don’t get home from work until about six. On Tuesdays I have to drive back across town for small group and on Wednesdays I go straight to the chiropracter. *sigh* I just don’t have that much energy when I get home. I’m so tired. I have no idea if I’m going to adjust to this or spend the next unknown amount of years feeling tired every weekday. I’m hoping for the former. Really hoping for the former. As you all know my sister got engaged less than a month than a month ago. So I’ve resolved to lose 30 to 40 lbs by 6/6/09. I’m not doing so well with this so far. I’ve actually gained weight since I started working. Since I’m doing a lot more walking I am more than a little confused. Does sitting on a bus cause weight gain? Maybe I’m just not walking fast enough. I don’t know about that one - I end up with sore shins everytime and I’m sure as heck trying to get out of the cold! The cold is bearable (I’m good at bundling up) but I’m definately not looking forward to the summer. It can get so hot.

I’ve gotten my finances all worked out. For the next five years. And I’ve already done my taxes. I want that refund. With that I should be able to pay off one card by May. Well, that’s if I can keep my personal expenses down to $250 a month. *sigh* Not going to be easy. And its going to be that way for the next two and a half years. *double sigh* That’s everything - gas, prescriptions, food, etc. I’m not going to have any play money. And I probably won’t have any for the next two and a half years. Are we getting the theme here? I may have to stop my chiro appts. I’m not sure if I can afford them. I already owe them something like $78. I still don’t have my health cards for insurance that was supposed to start on January 2. I’m still waiting for my new debit card and pin number. Yes, I changed banks. Again. Citizen has ATMs in the lobby. Its that easy. Anyways, I went to pay all my bills yesterday but I was only able to hit one of the three. Changing bank accounts has caused trouble. Bank of America wants confirmation. Yes, they want me to type in the stupid little deposits they’ve made on my account. Easy enough to do, right? Just hop on the bank’s web site and look them up. Sorry folks, its not that easy. I have to have my atm card number in order to sign up for my online banking. I haven’t received the atm card. So I have to remember to do all that next week after I get the atm card. I have to change my pay pal account, though I’m not sure why. I’m not going to be buying anything on ebay or at my fave sites. Anyways, I try to pay my verizon bill - they don’t have it ready. I just wanted to get them all done in one fell swoop. Apparently I have delusions of grandeur. I probably won’t be able to keep to my payment schedule which will extend the amount of time and money I have to pay on the second credit card. I will pay one of the two off this year.

Okay, so there’s your update. I’m exhausted so I’m off to bed.