My mom had me up late last night. We were looking for tassel dolls, specifically Duck House tassel dolls. We looked both on Ebay and on the web. There are two other companies that produce tassel dolls - Popular Creations and Showstoppers - but mom and I like the faces on the Duck House ones best. But it was almost 2 am when I finally got to bed. Its a good thing we didn’t have work today! I was awoken at 930 by a phone call, but that was okay because I needed to get up and take my pills. Of course I went back to bed and slept till about 3! I couldn’t believe it. And yet I’m still sleepy. *shrug* Sometimes I think I’m always sleepy.

Mom liked her birthday present. It was a tassel doll. When we went down to Treasure Island the weekend before Mother’s day I had her pick out two that I would get for her. She got Harper and Antonie from me and bought Aileen for herself. Yes, I bought some two. I got the snow angel and Olwyne. They have weird names, but they are pretty. We like them, at least.

As I said in the title, I’m back. I moved back in with my mom and I now have a nice cable internet connection. I pay for it, but I also get to use my mom’s brand new computer with the nice 22 inch flat screen LCD moniter. No rent, which is nice and means that I can finally catch up on all of my bills. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that my now ex-fiance is a lying, using jerk. Like a week and a half after we broke up, he comes to me with the story that he’s looking into a trucking job in greensburg and that he didn’t think he had enough gas to get there. Me, being stupid and still loving him, got him directions to the Windgate Inn, which is where he said the job fair was, and gave him gas and sent him on his way. About a week later I get an email from a stranger wanting to know about my relationship with Terry. It turns out that Terry was not going to a truck driving job fair. Turns out the email is from his new girlfriend who works at the windgate inn and who he stayed with from Wednesday to Friday. He told her that we never dated and were certainly never engaged. He also, at another point, said we had broken up in November. So I told her the truth - that we had just broken up and we were engaged. So he lied to her, he lied to me, and he used me. He took advantage of me.

And so much for forever. He was looking for a new girl within a day and had a new one within the week and now says he’s in love with her. It hurts to be so easy to replace. It makes me want to think that I’m not special or important or worth anything, but I’m trying to remember that it has more to do with his shallowness and self centeredness than it does with me. I went through a lot for him. Heck, he gave me two different diseases and is leaving me to deal with the consequences of them. He says he wants to be friends, but I don’t know that I want to do that. It reminds me of how stupid and naive I was and how my parents were right. Well, I guess I should be glad that he’s not stalking me. That was a concern due to pass actions on his part. But I deleted all his emails, got rid of all his presents (well, at least took down the ones I had at work), and deleted him from my YM. If he tries to message me I’ll block him. I wasn’t able to figure out how to block him, but I know I can do it once he tries to im me.

I made some stupid decisions. I let him talk me into things that I wouldn’t have normally done. I let him talk his way out of so much. *sigh* He was so good at making me believe that he loved me. He hasn’t been at church or small group since we broke up. I’m kind of afraid that he’ll show up because I don’t want a confrontation. I’d rather not be around him. He doesn’t seem to get it but it hurts. And until I can forgive him and myself it will continue to hurt. The good thing is that the fear and the depression aren’t taking over. I’m still going to church and small group and healing prayer. And I’m healing. I’m doing better than I have been. And its not all the medication. More later, I need something to drink. I have a lot of catching up to do.