I really don’t understand.  I don’t.  Why do I have to have what other people think I should have?  What’s wrong with being content with what I have?

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I try not to get down and depressed.  It’s a lot easier these days with my medications.  I try not to think about the things I know worry me.  Today, well really, this past week, one of them keeps haunting me.  I’ve been trying to catch up on Facebook.  Working 12.5 hour days with 45 minute commutes makes it hard to keep up.  I have some people whose profiles I check daily (yeah that’s me – the stalker) and I always look at my top news, but I no longer read every post every day.  I always come home to 300+ new posts.  I do need to sleep sometime people!  Anyways, I’ve been checking up on people’s profiles and pictures.  Most of my friends have families – kids, fiances, husbands, etc.  Some of them I’ve seen get married (or have seen the pictures) and watched their kids grow (in pictures if not in person).  I can imagine their futures, to some extent.  *shrug*  I’m not trying to say I know what’s going to happen or that I’m detailed or anything.  I’m not that stalkerish!

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These are all pictures from our yard (and our neighbor’s).

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I have one grandparent left.  He is absolutely amazing.  3 years ago I gathered with the rest of my family in Las Vegas for his 90th birthday.  He has children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.  We all gathered again for my sister’s wedding last August.

Grandpa is the dapper guy on the left side in front. Those are all pictures of that side of the family from my sister’s wedding.

Yesterday my Aunt in California emailed me to tell me Grandpa was given a Presidential Achievement award on Thursday.  He is 93 and volunteers at an adult daycare in California.  He even made the news: Seal Beach Man, 93, is Super Volunteer.  I am so very proud of him.  He’s been through a lot and he is still a caring, wonderful man.  He danced the foxtrot with my sister at her wedding.  He has macular degeneration and has great difficulty in seeing, but still goes out to help others.  I just hope that I’ll get the chance to see him again.  I love you, Grandpa!

It’s been a while since I’ve knitted so I had to re-teach myself basically everything.  I used my little red book that Squirrel Girl (formerly known as the Steel City Knitter) told me to get, my video, and I asked some questions to my knitting friends on Facebook.  It wasn’t easy.  Once I got it I started working on my scarf.  It came with a kit I got from Jo-Ann’s online with a coupon probably a year ago.  I’ve never really gotten that far on it, but I worked and worked. I ripped things out and re-did them. I counted row after row.  Finally, I got garter stitch pattern 1 done.  The first time.  I have to repeat it twice more.  I haven’t gotten brave enough to do that.  And yes, Kit did “help”.  You can find the details on my project on Ravelry under Super Easy Scarf. Here are my photos:

I was rather proud of myself and posted it everywhere, but alas, I’ve not worked on it since.  I’ve been too tired (hey, you try working 12 and a half hour days and then come home and knit at 3:30 am!), too busy (party and shopping and party and unpacking), or it’s been too hot (with the ac on up here it was 81 degrees!).  I’ll get back to it because I have a goal.  I want to knit socks.

Mom gave me some help in that direction.  I was talking about knitting socks and she knew that I would need some double pointed needles (dpn).  She said she had some, dug them out of her sewing basket, and gave them to me.  They are bone dpns that my great-grandmother used way back when.  Wow!  I don’t remember what size they are and I just packed them away in my knitting bag.  I can’t wait to find a pattern and yarn so I can use them.  After I finish my scarf. *sigh*

Good evening everyone!  It’s been quite a week!  I worked two 12.5 hour days, one 12 hour day, and one 10.5 hour day.  If it weren’t for traffic and no OT one night, it would have been four 12.5 hour days.  I had a fiasco with my bc prescription.  Luckily, I work for Medco so I was able to talk to someone who was able to figure out how to make it right.  After I called the dr back and they gave me the correct quantity.  *rolls eyes*  Again, luckily, I work for Medco and was able to tell the nurse that it was 4 packs in 3 months.  The first rx she sent only had 3 packs listed on it.  I’ll be getting the first three packs soon, and the my co-worker who can deal with employee rx’s is having the 4th sent as well.  I still have to get one prescription sent to Medco, but that’s a completely different doctor.  I also finally got the one from my PCP in.  They keep trying to use my health insurance number for my prescriptions and always get told that I don’t have prescription coverage.  I do, but you have to use my Medco number.  Medco manages all of my prescriptions.  I’ve only had it for 1 and a half years!

Today I did the first day of the first week of the Cool Running Couch-to-5K.  Well, that was the plan.  I only did about half.  I did the 15 minute brisk walk warm up, 5 60-second runs, 4 90-second walks, and the 5 minute cool down walk.  I didn’t understand something.  He said six intervals. I thought it was 6 run/walk sets.  I got to the end of the fifth run and he told me I was halfway done.  At that point I was exhausted, red faced, sweating profusely, unsteady on my legs, and feeling very sick to my stomach so I fast forwarded to the 5 minute cool down walk.  Yeah, somehow I don’t think I’ll be ready to do a 5K in 2 months.  Oh well, I don’t have one scheduled to run so I can work up to it.  I do wonder how long I’ll be doing week one.  Since I am going to be regularly working 12.5 hour days, I’ll be planning on doing 2 runs a week – one on Friday and one on Sunday.  I might be able to squeeze a third one in depending on how much OT is offered during the week.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do on the weekends we have the  June running clinic with the Pittsburgh Charity Runners and Walkers, which is on next Saturday morning.  I might have to not do that, which would suck.  I need to do some type of exercise and I know that running is a good one.  I might do something on my Mom’s XL Glider during the week.

I also got my contacts on Monday.  Shocked the heck out of me considering I got 5-7 day shipping and had ordered them on Saturday.  1-800-Contacts used through Wal-Mart rocks!  There wasn’t even a whole business day in between the two!  I got the Acuvue Oasys with Hydraclear Plus that I’ve had before and no problems.  I had tried the Air Optix Night & Day lenses but they irritated my right eye.  I loved being able to wear them all day and all night, but I had at least two areas in my right eye that would swell when I tried to wear them.  I waited months to be sure the eye was totally healed and I haven’t had a problem yet.  I’ve been wearing them more than I haven’t been wearing them.

I never know what to say when I reach this point.  What I go through I’m not really sure anyone can understand.  Last weekend I was totally depressed, lonely, feeling unloved, unwanted, and feeling completely overwhelmed.  All week I was crying when I went to bed.  I was defensive, irritable (although that could have been increased by the medication that my doc put me on for the week), and just about always on the verge of tears.  No one loved me, no one wanted me, no one even remembered that I was around.  I was afraid to go out and see people because I was fairly certain I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together.  I was absolutely miserable.  I didn’t necessarily want to die, but I certainly didn’t want to go on living.  Except for after my therapy appointment on Friday.  I definitely wanted to die at that point.

Thursday we doubled one med and added another.   I really wish I would have had some more time for it to get into my system before Friday morning.   I now go into therapy expecting to be attacked therefore I’m defensive.  When I’m struggling not to cry, my tone gets sharper.  Apparently based upon this she decided that I was that way to everyone all the time.  My perceptions are out of what and a lot of the time I know it, but I can’t get past it.  Not to mention that the worse my emotional level gets the harder it is to remember it.  *shrug*  By Friday evening I was soooo much better.  I’m calm, I haven’t felt like crying since Friday morning.  I had a set back trying to get a different brand of contacts.  I was hoping to get the change at Moon, but they said I had to go to my original Wal-Mart.  So Mom and I went out to Pleasant Hills and got it done.  I didn’t end up in tears and last weekend I would.  I would also had given up and not made the effort to get it done.  I’m making plans with people.  I’m not afraid to see my friends.  I don’t feel like no one wants me.  I don’t feel like I want to die.  I don’t feel like everyone has forgotten me, and when I thought that might have been the case, I wasn’t in tears.  I’m not obsessing.  I’m not looking at Facebook and feeling absolutely lonely and miserable.  It’s like someone flipped a switch.  Or was pushing up on a dimmer switch.  I don’t know how to explain it and I’m not sure any explanation I could come up with would do it justice.  *shrug*  Sometimes it feels like I’m too different people.  It looks like unfortunately I’m one of those people who needs to be on medication.  I don’t like that, but it’s worth it to feel normal.  I hate being this way because people don’t understand.  I’m so worried about people getting the wrong impression (and I know they do) and about offending people.  There’s not much I can do about that.  I definitely feel out of control when my meds aren’t doing right.  I don’t know how this will be once the initial high wears off.  *shrug*  You just have to keep going and take it one day at a time.

It’s been a rough week and it’s not even over yet. (Warning! This is a long one.)

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My self esteem isn’t always the best. It never has been. There have been times in the past when it has been better than others, but you know what? Right now isn’t one of them. Last week’s counseling session really torpedoed it. I feel like I’m fighting against everyone. Well, almost everyone. I wasn’t feeling very strong due to illness. Nausea is hard to deal with and I had been going through it on both Wednesday and Thursday. Being told that I was too rough…just hurt. I don’t know how I was too rough. He forced the issue. I told him things that were troubling me. I’d been telling him things that bothered me. He didn’t listen. He didn’t remember. He doesn’t. We argued basically every time we were on the phone and every time he was at home. I’d tell him specific things he could do, and he didn’t do them. *sigh* Then to have her tell me that she didn’t think that “the fat lady had sung” on our relationship. What about it makes it salvageable? Just because he’s a nice guy and didn’t physically abuse me doesn’t mean that I need to be with him. I’m completely drained. Physically, emotionally, and financially. I need someone I can depend on. I want someone to be strong for me. I don’t want someone who deals with something that he knows bothers me by avoiding it and ignoring it. Anyways, the result of that Friday is that I have been feeling like a horrible person. Like someone who is mean and cruel. I like to think I’m a good person, or at least an okay person, but that. That doesn’t.
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