Alright, I’ll warn you that I’m very irritated and pissed off right off the bat and going to rant. I don’t want to hear about “best friends” and how wonderful they are – I don’t have one and haven’t had one for years. There is no one I would “share everything with” because people wouldn’t understand and/or I’d get judged. I’m sick of hearing about wonderful husbands and partners cause I’m never going to have one and I’m sick of being told that there’s someone for everyone because it’s rather obvious that my so-called someone doesn’t exist. I’m sick of hearing about people “close as sisters” cause guess what – not all sisters are close. Mine isn’t, never has been, and I highly doubt she ever will be. I’m sick of all your photoshopped biased political BS cause it’s NEVER going to change my mind, same with your biased “news” stories. My life is what it is and I’m trying to make as good as a pretty much solo journey can be. I will never fit in, will never be a people person, and will never be someone that people flock to. I’ll always be the one on the sidelines caring but never knowing what’s truly going on. I’ll always be people’s third or fourth choice. I look at my news feed and see all the things I’m never going to have and tonight I’m in too much physical pain and too damn irritated to just pass it by. Almost no one will see this, which is fine, but at least I know I will have expressed myself and maybe I’ll calm down. This week sucks and makes everything worse. I’m going to eat and go to bed and to hell with everything else I’m supposed to do.

I was on vacation this week and made meals (almost) every night. Here’s a quick rundown:

Monday

• Hamburgers w/bacon and cheese (mozz for mom and gouda for me)

Tuesday

• chicken thighs marinated in Italian dressing on spaghetti squash with Ragu meat dressing (Mom actually likes spaghetti squash better than regular pasta! Woot!)

Wednesday

• Balsamic and Brown Sugar pork chops
• steamed asparagus
• Uncle Ben’s butter and garlic rice
• strawberries with Sweet and Low (mom) or Cool Whip (me)

Thursday is going to be leftovers and I’m not sure about the rest of the week. It’s been fun making food every night. I also did a bacon and egg sandwich as well as grilled cheese with bacon this week. I’m going to look forward to doing this in October.

It’s been awhile since i’ve blogged. I go through ups and some downs. Even with the Godsend that finding out about the non-Celiac gluten sensitivity or gluten intolerance has been, I still struggle with health issues, whether it be from eating something I didn’t realize was contaminated (because these days I’m pretty good about checking ingredients) or discovering that there is something in many gluten free foods (especially baked goods) which really upsets my system (which I believe to be tapioca starch or flour). I have spent time arguing my general worthiness with some friends (I’m still not 100% sure I agree with them) and worrying about my sister and her son.  I have also been giving a lot of thought to what happiness is and what makes me happy. My newest friends told me that I need to tell myself that I’m a good person and that I deserve to be happy. The problem is I have to figure out what makes me happy. You would think that I would know something so simple, but I don’t. My emotional health hasn’t always been strong and in many ways I don’t really feel as though I know who I am very well.  I’m working on it. But back to happiness.

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In some ways I know why I’m the way I am, why I do the things I do but not how to change them.  Sometimes I can even tell you why I think the things I think that make me do the things I do. (Did ya follow that? Good for you!)  I know I like to plan for all contingencies (even slight ones) because I want to feel like I have control, that I have a plan, that I know what to do because if I don’t, I’ll worry about it.  I can even obsess on it.   I want the control, the plan because I don’t trust that things will work out on their own or by trusting others. And yes, that includes God.

I feel like I’m just an afterthought because history shows that I am often treated like an afterthought.  In my life people have forgotten about me, overlooked me, told me that they want to make plans but never do, blown me off, or walked right by me.  Life long problem done by many people.  I deserve it in many ways because I don’t stick up for myself, I don’t push, I try to fade into the background.  I even have figured out why I do it. People scare me.  I’m afraid of them.  I’m terrified of doing one small thing wrong and being ridiculed, judged, made fun of, scorned, and even hated.  One of the things people in the community around my church do is drop by other people’s places. I can’t do that.   Cannot.  I figured out tonight that I know that I won’t be welcome so I have to be sure I will be.  It dovetails with the fact that I don’t want to be a burden or bother to people or interrupt their lives.  They just might decide that I’m not worth it because I’m too much of a bother, burden or interruption.  I also think it’s rude to just show up places – you’re not taking into account other people’s thoughts and feelings. I’ve had mine trampled on so often that I try to always consider those of others.

I’m also afraid of being judged and found lacking. There is someone who I believe does that in regards to me.  I try hard, but I know I’m not good enough and because I’m not good enough  I shouldn’t ask for anything because it will be a burden on people and they won’t want me around.  (Why yes, that was a run on sentence. Thank you so very much.)  Nothing I do is good enough so why should I try?  Why put yourself out there where people can stomp on you for being a disappointment or a failure.  I don’t think people realize that it’s as much fear and my health that keeps me out of church.  I’m not good enough. I’ve even been told I’m not a good enough Christian.  I have a lot of pressure on me not only from others, but also from myself.

It’s taken years for me to figure these things out.  The bad thing is that I don’t know what to do about them.  I don’t know how to change them, to fix them, to find the courage and security to overcome so much fear and insecurity.  And it doesn’t help to know that I don’t matter much.  Nor does it help to know that I’m not enough.  I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, charismatic enough, trustworthy enough, around enough, kind enough, understanding enough, strong enough, healthy enough, anything enough to be worth something.  Part of finding a solution is defining the problem and at least I’ve done at least a good portion of that.  But fixing it is a different matter, especially when you’re afraid that trying to fix it will end up with the situation being worse.  And I hate change. Change usually means things get worse for me.  Been that way for about 25 years.  Why can’t things ever be simple?

Well, I’ve decided to work on doing some meal planning, especially on the weekends.  Here is what I have planned so far

Friday, January 4, 2013

• Breakfast
  • Cinnamon Chex with Milk
• Lunch
  • Cinnamon Raisin Toast
  • Scrambled Eggs
  • Maple Sausage (if any is left)
• Dinner
  • Perfect Roast Chicken 
  • Garlic Mashed Sweet Potatoes
  • Steamed Broccoli

Saturday, January 5, 2013

• Breakfast
  • Cinnamon Chex with Milk
• Lunch
  • ?
• Dinner (take to church)
  • Leftover chicken
  • Leftover potatoes
  • Leftover broccoli

Sunday, January 6, 2013

• Breakfast
  • Cinnamon Chex with Milk
• Lunch
  • Various leftovers
• Dinner
  • Meatballs
  • Spaghetti Squash
  • Spaghetti Sauce

I have some missing spots and no clue what to do for the week, but at least I’ve got something, right?

Well, I just posted about my goals for 2013 and in it I mentioned that I wanted to do all of my cooking goals.  This is where I’ll put the list.  I went gluten free in 2012.  It was a big change that had a HUGE positive result – I can now walk and type without pain.  I’m not giving it up and I promise I’ll be very paranoid about what I eat.  If you’d gone through what I have, I bet you would be, too.  Without further delay, here is my (current) list of cooking goals.

2013 Cooking Goals

1. Mark my cook books so I can find the recipes I want to try.
2. Learn to ignore Mom when she makes faces about the recipes I want to try or things I’m going to eat.
3. Make gluten free bread from scratch.
4. Make arepas.
5. Make tamales.
6. Make something from every GF board I have on Pinterest.
7. Cook fish. (and not shellfish)
8. Make something using lamb.
9. Make soup from scratch.
10. Make a gluten free baked good from scratch.

I’ll start with ten for now, and perhaps it will expand and grow.  There is so much I have never done before since I was not one who cooked before I went GF.  People do tend to think I overreact since I am sooo careful about what goes in my mouth.  And what goes on my skin and in my hair. Make up, shower gel, shampoo, etc. are now all GF in my world.  My pain levels are lower than they have been in 2 years or so.  I can walk, jog, run up the stairs – all things I basically had to give up.  So if I come to your party or potluck and don’t eat, please don’t get mad. It’s not you, it’s me.

Happy New Year!  2012 is over and 2013 is here!  Did you make it until midnight?  I did not.  I had to get up at 4:30 am for work.  I called it a night at 11 pm. It was sooo close, but I was incredibly tired.  I decided that I want to make a list of things I’d like to do in 2013, so here it is.

Things to do in 2013

1. Pay off the debt
2. Work as much OT as possible.
3. Go to church at least twice a month.
4. Reach my cooking goals. (This will be another list.)
5. Start to exercise.
6. Lose some more weight.
7. Learn to at least like who I am if not love who I am.
8. Learn to be okay with not being in control.
9. Get organized.
10. Clean more often!

I’m not very good with meeting goals. Every week I prepare a to do list, beginning with either the one from the week before or copying the old undone stuff to a new list.  I try to do daily list (and I put in some gimmes so I have something to cross off.  I figured out that if you never get to cross things off, you quickly lose interest. Or at least, I do!)  I’ve been doing that steadily for a couple months now.  I’m hoping to get a lot of OT so that I can get the debt paid off ASAP.  (Hey, look at that – two of my items are linked!)  So what are you planning for the new year?  We all know plans can go awry, but setting out some (loose) goals is a good way to at least start the year off.  Here’s to a fabulous 2013!

Well, I said that I was going to go out and do things. I have. I decided to do NaNoWriMo and although I didn’t finish (20,111 is all I got in the 30 days), I did go to all 5 of the write ins in my area, the kick off party, the TGIO party, and Writing Under the Influence.  I’ve been to 2 baby showers and church.  I’ve been to two different friend’s parties.  I’ve taken a lot of snacks with me to a  majority of these to make sure I have something to eat.  Unfortunately, I’ve also been in a lot of pain. I got glutened a couple times and I spent a lot of time being sick. In fact, I’m still sick. For some reason I can’t seem to kick it.  It’s quite annoying. I’ve gotten a couple of migraines.

People don’t agree with me, but it is very hard being GF.  I’ve been told and had it implied to me that it is easy to be GF by many people.  Well, one baby shower there was not one single thing I could eat.  Another there was one thing (and it may have glutened me).  Both parties had 2 things I could safely eat, although I felt like a child eating a hamburger/hot dog cut up with no bun. I got glutened at the kick off party and there was nothing I felt safe eating at the TGIO party and nothing I could eat at the other main event.  I even decided to buy a larger purse so I can bring things to eat.  The nice thing?  The people I talked to at the TGIO party, upon hearing the issues I would have to deal with all agreed that it wasn’t worth it to try the single GF dish since the risk of cross contamination was in our opinions very high.  I know I talk about it too much, but it was really nice to have that validation.

As for this month – well, this week I won’t be going places.  I really don’t have anything scheduled. I might be going to a GF meet up thing next month and I’m planning on going to the Monroeville post nano writing group.  I can’t go to the one closer since they’re only meeting on weekdays. Wednesdays to be exact.  I’m going to ask when Christmas Eve service is for my church and depending on it I may go after work.  The weekend before Christmas Eve is going to be rough since I have to prep myself to work 7 am to 5:3o pm on Christmas Eve.  And considering my paranoia with being late and my travel distance, I will be getting up at about 4:30 am that day.  Some nights I don’t go to sleep until that time or later.  I will be doing the same thing a week later for New Year’s Eve.  At least this year it’s on a Monday.  I’ll  have to juggle and do schedule changes for next year and on when I’ll be scheduled to work 2 pm to 12:30 am then 7 am to 5:30 pm on consecutive days.  But those weekends are going to be rough.  I have no plans for NYE.  I had been going to Coathanger get togethers, but since the Coathangers I know all have small children I’m not sure it’s going to happen. I also haven’t heard a peep on the Annual Banquet which is that time of year. *shrug* I do have church every week, but I’m having issues so that’s being a problem and there is a Christmas play and dinner for the church soon, but it’s a dinner so I don’t know.

Anyways, I think I’ve been doing well. I’ve gone places, met strange people, and carried around a lot of food.  Certainly a lot more than the months prior to the end of October.

I’ve decided to do an experiment.  It’s a personal one and for now I’m trying it through the end of the year.  I don’t know how successful I’ll be, but I am going to try.  I’ve decided that I’m going to endeavor to post nothing negative on FB.  Considering that some days it feels like everything in my life is negative, that isn’t going to be easy.  Especially since this week is my least favorite week of the quarter – my own personal hell week.  But I’m going to try.

You might be wondering why I’m doing this. I’ve been told by several people (with my sister leading the charge) that I’m too negative and all I do is complain.  I’ve also been told that all I do is see the negative and I never see anything positive.  I’ve also been told to basically grow up and that it’s not always about me.  Apparently, none of these people (meaning the people who have said/implied such things) know me very well. And that does include my sister who basically doesn’t know me at all and keeps trying to base her view of me based on who I was when I was a teenager. Or at least what she knew of me then, which wasn’t much.  Sad to say my sister and I are not close.  *shrug* Not a whole lot I can do about that -we’re different people in different time zones on different continents.  I’m contemplating throwing out posts about things I’m thankful for, but a) I’m having trouble coming up with ones that aren’t cheapies and b) it’s hell week.

What I put down on facebook, even the negative, was a very small portion of what was actually going on in my head – and considering how afraid I am of being judged by those I call friend – heavily edited.  Regardless, it’s attempting to go away.  I’m also attempting to grow my hair out and I have a mental bet on which will last longer – no negative or hair growing.  I suck at the whole hair thing. I’ve tried it many times and I almost never succeed.

One of the things I tend to struggle with the most is the fact that I tend to end up solitary. I don’t think I’ve ever been close to someone when it hasn’t coincided with us being in close proximity on a regular basis.  If you asked who my best friend was I couldn’t give you an answer.  Looking back, the people I would have said were my best friend doubtless did not feel the same way about me.  I really wish I knew what was wrong with me. I don’t know if it was all the years when everyone teased me (and yes, I do mean years – and it was both at school and at home from my sister) causing a severe (at times) lack of proper social skills.  The last couple years of elementary school were pure torture and junior high wasn’t much better – though I did  actually have friends in jr high.  I don’t know if it’s a lack of confidence in myself (stemming from years of being told I was bad/worthless/stupid/strange).  I don’t know if it has something to do with the strange curse where people seem to forget about me if they don’t come into contact with me regularly.  I also cannot for the life of me figure out why multiple people will tell me or agree with me multiple times that we should get together or make plans but then fail to do so.  I try to be accommodating since generally these people have spouses and kids and insanely busy schedules and let them come up with the when and where, but it always seems to come to naught. I have people who live within a half hour of me whom I haven’t seen in over a year.  *shrug* I can only do so much, but it hurts – especially when I see them make plans or do things multiple time with others.

Maybe part of the problem is that I’m afraid to bother people. I’m afraid to annoy people. Too many times in the past I’ve been cast aside by those who consider me too much trouble.  I try not to be a bother – I try not to talk about myself too much, my FB posts tend to me shallow and/or vague, I try to take interest in other people’s interests and remember to ask about things in their lives.  I have one person I’ve been talking recently and sometimes it borders on extreme fear that I’m bothering that person way too much.

Maybe part of the problem is that I was raised to be and am way too polite.  I can’t bring myself to just drop on by someone’s place – I have to call and see if it’s okay or must have plans already.  I can’t bring myself to invite myself along somewhere even if people are talking about it in front of me. I never feel right walking up to people who are talking and joining the conversation (though I am getting better at it) and I hate to interrupt people (unless it’s a topic I’m very impassioned about, but then I try not to).

Some people would say go to church. I try. I swear I’m cursed. Or maybe it’s because I’m just not brave enough to drive 45 minutes alone (often through traffic) with recent diarrhea problems, with bad headaches (with sore necks and light sensitivity – entering migraine territory there), with bad joints barely being able to walk, with twitching limbs, with nausea.  Of course, I apparently have several people who don’t understand why any of that would be a problem. I don’t understand why it keeps happening!!  I finally thought I would be healthy, now I have some type of achilles/leg thing (on both legs nonetheless) and a stupid oil change to get! I swear I’m cursed!

Maybe it’s just that I fear rejection too much because of all the times I’ve been rejected.  Maybe it’s that people don’t like me enough that they only want me around or want to talk to me when they need something.  I can’t tell you how many chat starts or emails or conversations have been unreplied to or how many times I’ve had people disappear in the middle with no notice. Maybe it’s all of them or none of them.  They’re just more reasons why I’m trying so hard to be okay with being alone.  But every time I read a book with close sisters or close friends or see statuses about how much people love their sibs and close friends, it hurts.  Sometimes it hurts a little, sometimes it hurts a great deal.  But I haven’t a clue how to change me to make the situation change.  Or at least change me so I don’t get so down about it.